28th October 2005
An Enigmatic Hunt
Tutahunter gave a strange hunting cry and, nose down, led the way along the trail of the beast. Bluebeard and Fluffy, after pushing through the jungle until they rediscovered the path, took up second place, the rest of the party following behind.
The trek was long and arduous. The hot sun beat down upon everyone's backs, the ground offered roots and scrub to trip up feet and stub toes, vines to entangle limbs and thorns to cut and scrape tender skin. Tutahunter was following the spore like a hound on the trail, hunched over in his customary hunting crouch, spear always at the ready. Bluebeard would try to keep everyone's flagging spirits up with the odd sea shanty, which he sang with a remarkably sweet baritone. The coconut shells of water being passed around to sooth parched throats were growing ever more shallow in their contents, and tempers were starting to fray.
The sound of waves in the distance was noticed, and eventually became clearer, indicating that the hunt was leading back towards the beach, although to what part of the beach, or even if to the same beach that was so familiar, nobody was sure. Glimpses of sand and surf were caught occasionally through the trees, the tantalising coolness offered by the ocean serving to accentuate the heat glaring down on everyone. By this time, the last of the water was drained from the final coconut shell, and everyone was in a bad mood, with the exception of Tutahunter, intent on the hunt, and Doctor Keir, happily whistling a familiar Barry Manilow tune.
Bluebeard was no exception; the relentless heat was getting even to him. "Argh, Keir," he called, "get ye over here!" Doctor Keir merrily fell in next to Bluebeard, a skip in his step.
"Argh, Keir. I know ye be the doctor and all, but if ye don't stop that accursed whistling, I'll keelhaul ye, ye sea dog!"
"Now, now, Bluebeard," said Doctor Keir, a smile upon his face, "there's no need for that! This animosity you are exhibiting towards me is simply misplacement of your anger acquired from trudging through this heat for so long. I know, and you know, that you are simply annoyed at seeing someone else cheerful because you are feeling quite the opposite, and you have a need to force your feelings of misery onto all those around you, in order to try and compensate for your own lack of good humour."
"Argh, I don't like the tone of your voice, lad. Are you suggesting I'm trying to make the others miserable?"
"Well, what do you think about it?"
"Don't ye go tryin' to psychologicalise me, you scurvy dog, else me and me constant dear companion Fluffy will have bones to pick with ye!"
"That's another thing I often wonder about," returned Doctor Keir. "Your relationship with that rhinoceros seems to be unhealthy. You put too much trust in her. Tell me, Bluebeard, just how well did you get on with your mother?"
"Aright! That's it!" cried Bluebeard, alighting from Fluffy's back, with an affectionate scratch for her ear.
"Do you mean to engage in fisticuffs, sir?" said Doctor Keir, angry now as well while he shaped up in the traditional manner, one foot forward, fists up.
Before this could go any further, Larry stooped down and picked up some small soft nuts. He loaded them into his slingshot, and in quick succession let off two shots, each one splattering into Doctor Keir and Bluebeard's rumps.
"Ouch!" yelled Doctor Keir, turning. "What was that for?"
"To try and get your attention and tell you to settle down," said Larry.
"But they stung!" protested Bluebeard.
"Well, we've been calling out to you two and you didn't notice."
"Argh, but there be honour at stake," said Bluebeard, "we must finish the business."
"Yes, we. . ." began Doctor Keir.
He was interrupted by a shout ahead. "Water! Water!" Tutahunter was shouting. Everyone ran up to find Tutahunter standing waist deep in a cool, clear stream. Almost as one, the castaways dived in. Laughter and good times were had by all in that glorious sensation that can only be felt after the relief by coolness of oppressive heat.
"Argh, lad," said Bluebeard to Keir, proffering his hand. "I be offering ye my apologies for before. I don't know what came over me. I think it was the tropical fever had me in its grasp."
Doctor Keir took his hand, shaking it heartily. "It's alright, I understand, and I apologise also for my snappish nature. Lots of heat and no water can do strange things to a man."
After this wonderful cool respite, the coconut shells refilled to overflowing with water, everybody's hair and clothing dripping wet, the castaways set forth again on their beast hunt, a happy mood upon them.
After a short while Tutahunter stood straight and held up his hand, indicating a halt. The party stopped. "There's something up ahead," he said.
Cautiously the group crept forward. They parted some bushes and entered into a clearing under the canopy, the golden beach visible through the tress on the opposite side. In the middle of the clearing, crouched over a rock and tapping away at its surface, something grasped in its left hand, was a lone figure, mumbling to itself.
"It's Andrew!" said Keir.
Everyone rushed forward to surround Andrew. He was in a bad way - his hair was messy, his beard was entangled with leaves. Dirt was smeared over his face. In his left hand he held a half coconut shell with a thin vine sticking out of one end of it, which he was constantly pushing around and tapping with his forefinger, saying, "left click" each time, occasionally using his middle finger accompanied by a, "right click." With his right hand he was tapping away at the rock, as if at a keyboard.
"Andrew, good to see you!" beamed the Captain. "We didn't know what had happened to you. Where have you been, what have you been doing?"
Andrew turned half crazed eyes towards him. "Must. . . administer. . . the. . . webboard," he muttered. "Out. . . of. . . control. . . without. . . me."
"This doesn't look good," said Doctor Keir.
"I think he's gone into webboard withdrawals," said Aimi sympathetically.
"Andrew," said Jenn, "it's alright, we're all right here. You can administer us again."
"Must. . . get to. . . webboard," said Andrew. "Worried. . . it's turned into. . . Star Trek. . . site."
"This is worse than I thought," said Doctor Keir worriedly. "We need to get him back to the beach and to our shelters. Some of the Jungle Juice would help, too."
"Connection speed. . . really. . . slow," mumbled Andrew. "Must. . . ring. . . service provider. . . complain."
Suddenly the drums began again. The party all looked around nervously at each other. This time they seemed much closer. Music could also be discerned with the beat, forming an almost familiar tune.
"I think I know that song," mused Fredster, frowning. "It's almost like. . . like. . ."
"Copa Cabana!" said Wendoline.
As if her words were a cue, the music of Copa Cabana flooded the clearing. Suddenly, Keith leapt out of a bush, dressed in bright clothing and carrying a pair of maracas. Strangely, he looked more like Peter Allen than Barry Manilow. As the music's introduction reached its climax, Keith started to sing.
His name was Ke-ir,
He was a doctor,
With not a tussle in his hair,
And his dress taken with care,
He would give counsel,
And do therapy,
And while he tried to be a star,
Josh and Andrew tended bar,
Across the sandy beach,
He looked like such a peach,
He was young and far too good looking,
For his PhD,
At the Island, Red Dwarf Island,
It's hot enough to melt your nylon,
At the Island, Red Dwarf I-I-Island,
Myst'ry and tension are all the pretension,
At the Island,
He had patients,
A band had risen seemingly out of the island floor, as is wont to happen in any film musical. Keith rattled his maracas and launched into the second verse.
His name was Bluebeard,
He wore a parrot,
He was escorted by Fluffy,
And he loved her tenderly,
When he heard Ke-ir.
He called him over,
But Bluebeard went a bit too far,
Keir wanted to have a spar,
And then the punches flew,
Coconuts smashed in two,
There were nuts and a double slingshot,
Only who shot who,
At the Island, Red Dwarf Island,
It's hot enough to melt your nylon,
At the Island, Red Dwarf I-I-Island,
Myst'ry and tension are all the pretension,
At the Island,
They had a tiff,
As the band launched into the instrumental break, a group of backing singers, previously heard but unseen, appeared, and joined in with Keith in a lovely, well choreographed dance routine. As the instrumental drew to a close, they retreated behind their microphones next to the band, to back up Keith for the final verse.
His name was Andrew,
He's the GNA,
But he's been several weeks abroad,
No more ministering the board,
Now it's a Trek site,
But not for Andrew,
Still with his mouse within his hand,
And still missing his broadband,
He sits there so refined,
And scratches his behind,
He lost his board and he lost his Flibble,
Now he's lost his mind,
For the final chorus, all the castaways joined in, amazingly being able to all sing well and know the words and the rather complex choreography.
At the Island, Red Dwarf Island,
It's hot enough to melt your nylon,
At the Island, Red Dwarf I-I-Island,
Myst'ry and tension are all the pretension,
At the Island,
All cast away,
All castaways,
All cast away,
There was a big flourish from the brass and the drums as the song reached its peroration, and a final large beat accompanied by a bloom of fireworks, then the musical number was over. In the next instant, the band was gone, Keith was back in his normal clothes, and everything was the way it was before the song started - as is wont to happen in any film musical.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Later that evening, Andrew tucked up asleep in his hut, and with most of the castaways also abed, a few people were left sitting around the fire under the stars. The Captain and Doctor Keir were enjoying some companionable silence near the jungle's edge, when a worried looking Tutahunter came and sat with them. For a while no one said anything, yet Tutahunter kept fidgeting. Something was preying on his mind.
"What's the matter, Tutahunter?" asked the Captain.
"It's very strange," he replied. "After we found Andrew, the hunt for the beast sort of lost its emphasis, and in the surprise of discovering the prodigal GNA, it slipped my mind."
"What slipped your mind?" asked Doctor Keir.
"I'd been tracking the beast all that way. Its spore is unique, webbed feet and feathers. In fact, I was surprised how easy it was to follow. It seemed to be much heavier than its size would suggest. An interesting hunt."
"Come on, Tutahunter," said the Captain, "something's on your mind. Out with it!"
"Well, as I said, the spore was easy to follow. It led obviously into the clearing, and kept going. It went all the way to Andrew, and then completely disappeared! Vanished! I looked around, but it didn't reappear anywhere else. Almost as if Andrew had picked the thing up and was concealing it."
"He definitely didn't have the thing on him," said Doctor Keir.
"And I don't think he would have eaten it," said the Captain.
"No, I thought about both those possibilities," said Tutahunter. "He didn't have it hidden on him, and besides, he wouldn't have had time to eat it. It was no more than a few minutes ahead of us."
"This is very strange indeed," said Doctor Keir. "No matter how much I try and work out about this place, more mysteries crop up. I don't like the sensation. It's almost as if someone's trying to make me look stupid."
"Doctor, you talk as if something is controlling our destiny here," said Tutahunter.
"I often get the same feeling myself," said the Captain.
They lapsed into silence. Doctor Keir laid back, looking at the full moon. There was something deeper going on on this island, he was sure of it. There have been too many strange coincidences. People developing special skills, notes left for them all to find, the three way vote, those recurring numbers, 737 and 1937. Strange people turning up. The Captain's dreams, which he'd asked him to read about in his diary, seemed to be trying to tell them all something. All these clues, so tantalisingly familiar, yet so far out of reach. And now this strange mystery of Andrew and the disappearing beast. He watched a meteor shoot past the moon. The moon never looked so large and so bright to him before. The full moon. The full moon. . . Something about the full moon was working at his imagination.
Suddenly there was an awful noise from the direction of Andrew's hut, like a cross between a howl and a pig's squeal. Everyone left awake on the beach froze. It was followed by a large, noisy commotion, the sounds of ripping and tearing, something falling, and the howl-squeal again.
He was on his feet now, running towards Andrew's hut, the Captain and Tutahunter on his heels. Andrew's hut was torn in pieces. It looked as if some wild, crazed thing had smashed it apart from inside. Worried about Andrew's welfare, the three of them starting hurling the debris away, searching for his bed. Other castaways, startled out of restless sleeps, were pitching in. However, Andrew was not to be found.
"Where's Andrew?" cried the Captain.
"Look! Here," said Tutahunter. "The beast's tracks. It's been back."
"Where?" asked Doctor Keir, urgently.
"Here. And here," said Tutahunter, pointing to the ground. "They come out of Andrew's hut and go off into the jungle."
"Is that all?" questioned Doctor Keir, still with a sense of urgency. "What about tracks coming into the hut?"
"No," replied Tutahunter, looking around, "none going in, only one set coming out. The ground is too messed up inside the hut itself to tell what happened. Very strange tracks, like nothing I've ever seen before."
"We'd better organise a search and rescue party," said the Captain, and busied himself about setting it up. Doctor Keir walked a little away and sat down, a frown on his face. Eventually the Captain noticed him, and walked over.
"Are you coming Doctor Keir, or are you going to wait here in case he comes back?"
The face Doctor Keir turned towards him made him take a step backwards. It was a haunted look.
"Call off the search party, Captain," he said. "It would be too dangerous."
"But we must go and find him, man!" protested the Captain.
"No. We can't."
"Why ever not?"
"It didn't occur to me at first. After Tutahunter told us about the tracks stopping at Andrew. As I was staring at the moon, it was just starting to form in my mind when all the commotion began."
He paused, and the Captain waited, something in Doctor Keir's voice making him hesitate.
"Andrew is a sphenisthrope," he said, heavily.
"A what?"
"A werepenguin!"
A howl-squeal in the near distance split the air.
Doctor Keir noticed the other castaways standing around him, all looking shocked at this announcement. He stood up. "It's clear what we have to do. If Andrew is to be saved, we have to find the original wereflibble and destroy it."
"But how do we do that?" asked Aimi.
"Don't we need a silver bullet or something?" asked Fabi.
"That's the usual case with most werecreatures," replied Doctor Keir. "However, there is an oddity with werepenguins. A silver bullet, a stake through the heart, even holy water will have no effect on it. By coincidence, to destroy a sphenisthrope, one must beat it over the head with a coconut shell."
"But where do we look for it?" asked Liz.
"Yes," said Kay, "this island is pretty big, and the wereflibble was small."
"I'm not sure," replied Doctor Keir. "Has anyone got any suggestions?"
"What about the source of those drums we heard?" suggested Liam. "Maybe the drums were being played to try and appease the beast."
"That's one possibility," said Doctor Keir.
"Aimi's Cave might give us a clue," said Aimi. "That place was creepy!"
"Aimi's Cave? What's that?"
"The big round cave we entered not long ago, when we were on the treasure hunt," replied Aimi.
"When did it start being called Aimi's Cave?" asked Drumjay.
"Silly! Everyone's been calling it Aimi's Cave!" she said.
Everyone looked around at each other with blank faces, as if no one recalled it being called by this name. Doctor Keir glanced at Aimi. Well, if she was trying to get a place named for her, she would probably succeed this way. He felt sure that henceforth the place would be known as Aimi's Cave.
"And speaking of namesakes," said Robert, " we still haven't visited Wendoline's Volcano. If something was hiding there, we wouldn't have known about it."
"Well, another few thousand words, another three way decision," said the Captain.
"Why do you keep talking about our adventures in word counts?" asked Stu.
"I'm not sure," replied the Captain. "It just feels right."
"I tend to agree with you, Captain," said Doctor Keir. "I'm also not sure yet if there's been any clues over our recent adventuring."
"Anyway," said the Captain, "the choice is upon us. Do we find the drummers, do we visit Wendoline's Volcano, or do we explore Aimi's Cave more thoroughly?"
A howl-squeal came out of the jungle.
Where will the castaways search for the original wereflibble?
A - Follow the drums.
B - Climb Wendoline's Volcano.
C - Search Aimi's Cave.
Vote now, A, B or C!
A