18th September 2005
Exploration
The castaways seemed to be settling well into island life. Along the line where the beach became the jungle a few dozen crude huts had sprung up. While most were used as a form of accommodation, several had been devoted to business, and a thriving trade in shells, coconuts, bananas, kippers and other island produce was being conducted.
Fabienne thought the hut at the nearest end of the row was by far the best looking. Keir had built it, and above the front which opened onto the sand was a sign which read, �Keir�s Chip Emporium and Psychology While U Wait.� Keir, who had remarkably managed to stay clean shaven and well groomed, was sitting with a look of condescending concentration, listening to Jenn, who was laid out on a makeshift couch in front of him.
Right next door and in direct competition was Cloud�s Caf� Restaurant. It came as a surprise to everyone, except Cloud, that he was a very good chef. He had been toying with the idea of a restaurant, but what decided him was when he stumbled across a crop of wild peas. He�d had peas b�fo. Beck was munching on something in front of the shop, listening to Cloud discuss recipes with Simon and Beth.
Next along the beach was the biggest of all the huts, and the most frequented, the Brewery. Josh and Andrew had taken the running of this essential establishment onto themselves. Liam and Josh had recently built a pair of bongos out of some fallen palm tree trunks, and were involved at the moment in an argument with Sparky. The trouble had started when Liam said that they needed a sheepskin to stretch over the bongos.
Drumjay and Cappsy had collaborated in starting a Red Dwarf Memorabilia shop. Somehow, they had found all sorts of items related to Red Dwarf in and around the deserted beach. Some remained sceptical, however, about just whether or not all those coconut shells had been used in a single episode.
Penny was having the time of her life. She had established a theme park. The theme being slides. Half a dozen tracks snaked away down the beach, and dwarfers lined up with a palm leaf to take their turn sliding down them. The most frequent user was, of course, Penny herself, who claimed when asked that she had to make sure all the tracks were in good working order. She had also been ignoring Keir�s constant pleas to come and have few sessions with him.
Fabienne�s musings were interrupted as the Captain walked into her view.
�Okay, everyone, I�m calling a meeting,� he cried.
�You can�t, you haven�t got the conch,� was Tuta�s reply, ignored now after such repeated utterings. He sat cradling the gleaming white thing in his hands, possessively, jealously. He had recently started painting his face in ghastly combinations of red, grey and green. He was stripped down to his shorts, carried a sharpened stick around with him and insisted on being called the leader of the hunters, guaranteeing to bring home the bacon. Yet he still hadn�t returned with a pig. So far, everyone else found this amusing. Tuta watched them all laugh and decided things would be different when he started his own tribe down at the fortress rock. . .
�We�ve had plenty of time to prepare, and hopefully now we�re ready to go exploring Wendoline�s volcano,� said the Captain.
Bluebell trotted into the middle of the gathering astride his beloved Fluffy. Remarkably, his growing beard was blue in colour. On reflection, most people weren�t surprised about this, but were becoming more and more disturbed at Bluebell�s new eye patch, and his constant mutterings of �arrgh,� and �avast, me hearties.� The dead parrot he had pinned onto his shoulder completed the strange picture. Keir was doing a thriving business.
�Arrgh, I shall assist ye in your exploring, you landlubbers,� he said. �Me and Fluffy will be of great use to ye, if ye walk into the jungle and find here there be monsters.�
�Right, Bluebeard�s in,� said the Captain, taking a few surreptitious steps backwards. �Who else will volunteer for this intrepid party?�
�Well, since it was my suggestion, I�m coming,� said Wendoline. �Especially after it�s taken you all so long to get ready! I want to make sure you actually make it to the volcano!�
�That�s two,� said the Captain. �Who else?�
Many people put themselves forward to join the group. Supplies were wrapped up in packs made of palm leaves, coconut shells were filled with equal amounts of water and the strange, volatile liquid the brewery was churning out in copious quantities, clothes were put on or taken off according to the fancy of the wearer, (or in many cases, to the fancy of the observer,) Bluebeard had gathered a large pile of grass for Fluffy, (to make sure he didn�t eat anyone, he said with an arrgh,) and the party finally seemed prepared to make a start.
�We�d better keep an eye on the time,� said the Captain. �Everyone who�s got a watch, front and centre!� About a dozen people stepped forward. �Okay, by my watch it�s 7:37pm. Hmm, I know it�s early morning, but I�m still on English time. I don�t suppose anyone thought to reset their watches from their time zones?� There was a general murmuring of �no.�
�Um, that�s strange,� said Fredster, �my watch also says 7:37! But I didn�t change it from Canada time.�
�And mine reads 19:37!� exclaimed Jen ze Bobcat. �It should be ten hours ahead of the Captain�s!�
Everyone nervously looked at their watches, to find that all their timepieces were set to twenty three minutes to eight PM. Even worse, although second hands were sweeping and digital cursors were blinking, after several minutes nobody�s watches had moved on from this mysterious time.
�Hey, wasn�t the plane we were on a Boeing 737?� asked Sparky. �And last night, I managed to count exactly seven hundred and thirty seven sheep before I went to sleep.�
�I don�t think you should have mentioned that out loud, Sparky,� said Keith. �I was in the same hut as you last night. I was quite happy when you cuddled up to me in your sleep, but when you started asking if the farmer was away and if I�d like a good shearing, I was getting very worried!�
�We�re still on for our lunch time appointment, Keith,� said Keir.
�Arrgh, away we go, then,� cried Bluebeard, and set off first into the jungle, Fluffy breaking a trail for everyone else.
* * * * * * *
No one was quite sure how long the exploration party had been on their expedition. Some thought it was a few hours, others claimed several weeks. The fact that everyone's watches were still displaying 7:37 only confused everyone and made matters worse.
However, the volcano loomed ever closer, until everyone seemed certain that they should reach it soon. Well, not everyone. Aimi was not sure if the volcano could be reached in under a month. She said that the sheer size of it made judging the distance to it almost impossible. Kelly wasn't sure how long it would take to reach it, as she had no way of estimating time in this island's temporal paradoxes. Nina was unsure if the volcano even existed, and FX was unsure if he himself even existed, or whether he was just a figment of his own imagination. JMC replied to FX's worries that maybe FX was merely a figment of JMC's imagination, which only made things worse, as half the group started down this path towards Zen nihilism.
"We'll definitely be there very soon," said Wendoline confidently.
"I agree with Wend," said Liam.
"Of course you do," said Wendoline.
"What do you think we'll find when we get there?" asked Keith.
"Sulphuric fumes," said Beck.
"I hope I find Wilson," came the reply from behind her.
"Who's Wilson?" asked Beck, turning around. "Wait a moment, who are you?"
She faced a man wearing little more than rags around his waist. His hair and beard were very long, he carried an old, beat up FedEx package under his arm, and there was a strange look in his eyes, a look that almost gave the impression that he was reading a script.
"Wilson's my friend," he said. "Have you seen him?"
"Um, I don't think so," replied Beck. "What does he look like?"
"He's small. Round. White. He had green hair, but it's sort of brown now."
"We haven't seen anyone since we got. Except you, that is. How long have you been here?"
"Here? I'm not sure. I spent some time in World War 2. I was looking for something. . . someone. . . I can't remember now. Then I remember walking miles and miles, green miles. I think I was on my way down a road to perdition, but somehow I ended up delivered here."
"Is there anyone else here with you?"
"Just Wilson. There was a mermaid once, but I'm hoping everyone forgets about that. Anyway, I have to find Wilson. Then I've got to check if I've got mail."
"Mail?" asked Beck. "Hey, wait!" But it was too late. The castaway had disappeared into the thick, steamy jungle.
"I just hope we don't run into any beasts," said Keith.
"If we do, my hunters and I will take care of it!" yelled Tuta, beating his chest.
"Tuta," said the Captain, "you don't have any hunters. It's just you by yourself, dancing around half naked and waving your spear about. So far you haven't actually hunted anything."
Tuta subsided. "But I will," he said. "And when I do. . ." he finished quietly.
"Ahoy, ye sea dogs!" yelled Bluebeard from up ahead. "Land ho!"
The jungle ended suddenly. Before them was the volcano. A vast mountain stretching up and up, sheer rocky faces and beetling crags. Smoke oozed sluggishly from the summit, far away.
"Will you look at the size of it!" exclaimed Keith. "I don't think there's any way up."
"Look," said Andrew, pointing, "there's an entrance over there. And a path up."
"It's a funny thing, Mr Captain," said Ghostie, "but I keep smelling this horrible stench."
"I know, Ghostie," replied the Captain ominously. "We're not alone."
"Of course we're not alone!" said Beck. "There's a whole group of us!"
"Everyone! Over here! Look at this!" yelled Tuta excitedly. Everyone ran over to where he was squatting on the ground, in front of several large indentations that disappeared around a fold in the mountainside. "What sort of footprints are these?"
"I hope it's not a fast thief," said Keir.
"A what?" asked Jen ze Bobcat.
"Whatever it is," began Tuta, "my hunters and I will. . ."
"Shut up!" cried a dozen voices. Tuta's look was black, but again he subsided, quietly muttering to himself.
"I think we should turn back," said Keir. "I have a feeling I don't want to bump into that fast thief. A lizard like that would be terrible."
"Keir," said Keith, "I have no idea what you're babbling on about."
"Then you should have studied the classics more," was his cryptic reply.
"I don't think we should turn back!" said Wendoline. "This is my volcano! I got you all out here, and I want to climb the damn thing and claim it!"
"Well, I want to follow these tracks," said Tuta. "I want to know what kind of creature makes surfboard size footprints like those."
"Well, here we are again," said the Captain, "arrived at yet another three way decision. This is becoming very strange. I get the feeling as if someone is manipulating our very lives. I was reading back through my diary and the events of the recent days, or weeks, or months, or however long it's been, and it left me feeling very existential."
"Don't go there again!" cried FX. "I'm too worried that of I keep wondering whether or not I actually exist, I might question my existence too much and actually cease to exist!"
"Alright, sorry, Fox," said the Captain apologetically. "However, if anyone wants to read my diary they're most welcome to.
"Anyway, as I was saying, we have again arrived at another decision, although this time I get the feeling for some strange reason that it has something to do with two thousand words instead of one." FX looked imploringly at him. "Um, sorry.
"OK, so, do we follow Andrew's trail up to the entrance to Mount Wendoline. . ."
"Could you please rephrase that, Captain?" said Wendoline, in that sweet way which said 'you'd better.'
"Sorry again. Do we climb Andrew's path to the entrance to Wendoline's Volcano, do we follow Tuta's footprints to the, er, fast thief, or do we take Keir's advice and turn back while we can, and get him to cook us all up a nice batch of chips. Actually, Keir, just how do you fry the chips on this island, anyway?"
What should the explorers do next? YOU DECIDE!
A - Climb Andrew's path up Wendoline's Volcano.
B - Follow Tuta's tracks to the fast thief.
C - Turn back to Keir's Chip Emporium and Psychology While U Wait.
Vote now, A, B or C!
A - 6
B - 9
C - 1