5th September 2005
Castaway
"Maybe, but doesn't it seem a little strange to you?" asked Beck.
"A little strange? An anonymous letter arrives inviting me on a free, all expenses paid trip. The letter says they have invited all the members of the Red Dwarf Webboard and that they are a friend. A few days later, a limo comes and picks me up, drives me to the airport and drops me off right at the stairs boarding a private black aeroplane. I climb up to find it filled with webboard members from all over the world, and a note on my seat from our benefactor apologising for not being able to be with us for the trip, but that he'll be meeting us at our destination, which also remains a mystery. Quite commonplace, really."
"Hmm. You could be right. Even so, I will remain a little guarded until we meet our 'benefactor.'"
They had been flying now for several hours, and the view out the window showed the endless ocean. The Captain looked around. The cabin was filled with members from the Red Dwarf webboard from all over the globe, and was utter chaos. Sparky was trying to chat up a sheep that wandered on board during the Australian stop over. Keir had Cloud lying on a couch and was attempting analysis, but Cloud was too busy scrawling recipes around and telling all around him that he'd had peas b'fo. Simon and Beth, snuggled together on a chair, had to duck as Penny went sliding past down the aisle on a drink tray. FX was telling Fredster how he'd soup up the engines on the plane, while Fredster was busy trying to tweak the audiovisual system in the back of the seat in front of him. Paper planes and cups were flying around the cabin, voices were raised in laughter and song, crude drawings of Rimmer and the Cat were appearing on the walls. It was a merry cacophony.
Jen ze Bobcat sat down in front of Beck and the Captain. "I think this is great," she said. "Look, even Andrew has been invited along. here he comes now."
"To be honest," said Andrew, sitting down, "I though this might be a nice, peaceful trip where I could get away from administering you lot on the webboard for a while. But administering you lot in the flesh is much worse!"
"I don't like this plane," said Bluebell from the seat behind. "It's not remotely funny, and certainly not as good as the previous one."
"And I hate the evil corporation that made this plane!" yelled Josh, next to Bluebell. "Do you realise the sort of corruption that they perpetrate in order to build one of these things? Of course, they are in league with the government. I'll tell you something else. . ."
Suddenly there was a horrid noise, and the plane lurched sideways. Just as the sudden silence started to turn into bemused whispering, there was a crunch and a loud explosion, and the plane tilted violently forward. The engines were screaming and someone shouted they could see flames out the window. The lights in the cabin went out.
One would imagine that in such a situation there would be mass hysteria and screaming, however, there seemed to be only silence after the sounds of the engines stopped, the only noise the rushing of wind and the creaking of metal. Someone shouted, "what do we do now?" To which someone replied, "follow the Rimmer shaped blur!"
There was an incredible jolt and a hard impact. The last thing the Captain remembered was the sound of splashing.
The Captain opened his eyes to find himself on a beach. Around him the other webboarders were slowly walking around, dazed. At the waterline he could see bits and pieces of the wrecked plane. Behind him was a jungle, and in the distance he could perceive a mountain. Actually, he thought, it looks more like a volcano, especially with that black smoke pouring out of the top of it. Beck crawled over next to him.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Don't you remember?" replied Beck. "We've been having a wonderful vacation, and at the moment we're at Disneyland enjoying one of the theme rides."
"Um. . . I don't remember any of this. . ."
"Of course not, you dolt! We were in a plane crash!"
Slowly everyone came together. Sparky, living up to his name, lit a bonfire, and all the castaways gathered around it.
"Okay," said the Captain, "here we all are. The first rule of survival in the wild is to build a canoe. Um, no, that's not it. To build a shelter! Well, it's getting dark, so let's all get to it!"
"I don't like this island," said Bluebell. "It's not in the least entertaining, and it certainly wasn't as good as the first six."
"You know who built this island, man?" said Josh. "Big evil corporations!"
"I wonder if there's any sheep on here?" mused Sparky.
Suddenly Cappsy came running towards the group. "There's something out there!" he said shakily. "I was gathering palm leaves to start a Red Dwarf Fan Book, and I heard rustling in the jungle!"
"What was it?" asked the Captain urgently.
"I don't know! That's why I said something instead of describing what it was! But I know it was big, I ain't no idiot."
"So you're saying you are an idiot?" put in Simon.
"What?"
"Well, you used a double negative - you are not no idiot. They cancel each other out, so your an in actual fact stating that you are an idiot. I just hope you didn't say that sentence in TXT speak."
"Simon, you've already spent too long in the sun here!"
Before this discourse on the variances of grammar could progress any further, there was a loud roar, followed by the sounds of something very large smashing through the jungle towards the group.
"Aaaaagghhhh! What is it?" yelled Tuta.
The thing parted the trees and moved into the light thrown from the campfire.
"Oh my God!" said the Captain. "It's. . . it's. . ."
What happens next? YOU DECIDE!
A - Cappsy gets attacked by a mutant rhesus monkey.
B - Bluebell befriends a giant rhino.
C - Sparky falls in love with an 8 foot tall sheep.
Vote now, A, B or C!!
A - 1
B - 14
C - 3