| THE COMPLETE REVIEW ON POLITICAL PARTIES |
| We here at the Matt Conroy Homepage always seek to better identify with our viewers and aim to help them out whenever possible. Because of this, the Matt Conroy Homepage often does random, extensive surveying of visitors to better understand how they think, what they know, and what they would like to learn. These surveys showed us one very clear fact, the average visitor to the Matt Conroy website desperately desires a greater understanding of the complex and confusing political party system that makes up our American government. (since the average visitor to the Matt Conroy Homepage is Matt Conroy, this is true). As a response to this - the Matt Conroy Homepage has decided to do something about it. What follows is a complete and unbiased explanation of the major political parties and what they represent. We sincerely hope that this explanation is helpful to you. |
 |
 |
|
 |
 |
| REPUBLICAN |
| One of the major political parties in the United States today, the Republican Party is represented by the elephant. Like many US political parties, Republicans are steadfastly in favor of cannibalism, eating babies, and stealing from the elderly. For various reasons, Republicans believe in a smaller, less controlling government. Chief among these reasons is their worship of the spacegod "Republica", whom they believe will descend from the heavens and conquer the world - making Republicans her chosen and honored servants. Republicans are generally pro-life, except in the cases of males, children, hippies, and small furry animals. The main diet of a Republican is freeze dried food - a tradition that was started in the early 1700s, when the Republican party migrated from the Artic Circle. The Republican Party was founded by PT Barnum, who supposedly was inspired by a super-intelligent elephant he was training. (hence the symbol). Republicans are extreme gun advocates, supporting guns whenever possible. As the Republican Platform clearly states - "the Republican Party believes in a gun in every criminal's hand, baby's bottle, and nuclear reactor." Republican's tend to support oil companies, having passed bills which built oil refineries in the Jefferson Monument, Mt. Rushmore, and Yellowstone National Park. Past High-Profile Republicans include Dumbo (of Disney fame), Stephen Hawking, and Cher. Current Issues of debate which Republican's support strongly include the breakup of the public school monopoly, Girl Scout cookie finance reform, and the nationwide buildup of pizza delivery automobiles. |
| DEMOCRAT |
| Another example of a major US political party, the Democratic Party is represented by the donkey. Like the Republican Party, Democrats also steadfastly approve of cannibalism and stealing from the elderly. Their view on baby eating, however, varies depending on the annual income of the baby-eater. Democrats tend to favor larger, more controlling government programs. This is because they absolutely hate personal freedom - as their motto implies - "Death to Democracy." A strong supporter of tax funded programs, Democrats emphatically push for tax-funded hamster juggling, psychological screening of traffic lights, and increased security at McDonald's restauraunts. The Democratic party was founded by boxing promoter Don King in 200 BC. Followers of Don King were often referred to as "Donkings" - a phrase that was shortened over time to the current symbol "donkey". Founded on the unviersal right to swimming after meals even if 30 minutes have not passed - the Democratic party expanded its mission statment to include cross country running, football, and basketball. Democrats tend to be slightly feminist, as evidinced by their support for the 1997 Equality E-4 Bill - which supported the "destruction of all male species and other lesser life forms" among other things. Current Issues of debate which Democrats strongly support include the introduction of a postage stamp tariff, the desegregation of male restrooms, and the institution of the Seal Clubbing Act. |
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
| THE REST |
| Contrary to popular belief in major American society, other parties do exist outside the realm of Democrats and Republicans. These "Third Parties" often have ridiculous and completely unrealistic viewpoints and ideas. Such proposterous theories as "Equal Rights", "Health Care", and "Democracy" are often pushed for by such groups (really cults). Only an insanely small amount of people support such parties, and they consist mainly of insane inmates in remote sections of rural counties. A popular phrase that is often used in relation to third parties is the concept of "throwing your vote away." Although seen by most people as merely an analogy - what few people realize is that the US government actually does throw votes for third parites away. After all, if you arent voting for the Republican or Democratic party - you obviously are an uninformed voter - making your vote completely worthless to the deomcratic process. |