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Matt Conroy was born on May 28th, 1642 to a peasant family in rural North America (current day Minnesota). At a relatively young age, Matt became leader of the prestigous Blanco Indian Tribe and took the name of He Who Walks Sideways. As leader of the Blanco Indians he succesfully crushed the neighboring tribes of the Nodefense and Easyconquer peoples. In 1670, on a hunting expedition in present day New England, Matt was kidnapped by Portuguese pirates and sold to an Italian philosopher. In Italy, Matt served as apprentice to the great Mephistopheles, where he invented such noble things as the fireproof kindling and the first floating anchor. After 200 years of learning in Italy, Matt returned to his homeland in 1870. There he learned that the people he once led where gone and that the land had been colonized and renamed Vadnais Heights. Not deterred by this unfortunate fact, Matt became involved in local politics and became mayor of Vadnais Heights in 1900. After a 3 month term, he was thrown out of office, however, when the local townspeople realized he didn't know what he was doing. Conroy moved to Detroit, and was offered a co-ownership role in Ford Motors by Henry Ford. But, Matt was lazy, and chose rather to go into a 60-year coma. Matt awakened from his coma in Havana, Cuba and played first base for the Cuban National Team - winning two olympic gold medals and setting numerous records for errors and strikeouts. After many years as a succesful player in Cuba, Conroy was hired by the New York Mets to impersonate Boston Red Sox player Bill Buckner for one play in the 1986 World Series. Conroy did so masterfully, bobbling a ground ball to give the Mets the championship. From 1986 to 1996 Conroy meditated along with Elvis Presley and Franklin Delano Roosevelt in the Pyrenees of Europe. After making a brief appearance on "Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell" (Conroy's favorite radio program), Matt again dissapeared into obscurity. In 2001, Matt unsuccesfully petititioned the 80s rock band "Spinal Tap" to go on a reunion tour. He currently resides in Eastern Atlantis where he owns a part time barber shop*.
*Recent Reports indicate that Matt Conroy has dissappeared. After the strange dissappearance in February, Conroy has been sighted in numerous places - including on Capitol Hill during a speech by George Bush, playing Center for the Sacramento Kings, "meditating" in a Minneapolis Arby's on prom night, and brushing his teeth at a 24 hour truck stop in New Jersey. If you have sighted Matt Conroy recently, please call 1-900-NO1-CARE.
** Please stop calling the 1-900-NO1-CARE hotline with reports of snowmen, lighthouses, and ghosts - all of these are not (NOT) Matt Conroy. |
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