| If Only By guest playwright Lyda Scapin |
| Speaker is a girl, age 15 to 19. She has just returned home from the funeral of a male friend who has committed suicide. She reflects back, over their relationship, and over all the "if only's." She regrets some of the things she has said and done in the past, and the things she should have said. The boy is just barely younger than her and is not her best friend, but a close one. She has liked (A crush) him for a while, but he never knew. *Emotion should match that of the story. (Softly and reflectively, with sadness, she speaks as though she's talking to him.) I never though you'd really do it. I mean, I know you said you would, but I just didn't think you would... I miss you already. (Pause) I just don't understand why. If life was that bad, why didn't you tell me, why couldn't you have told someone? (Pause. Starting to blame herself for what happened, almost in tears.) Why didn't I see it? I knew you were upset, but I never knew... If only I had paid more attention when you said you would, but I scarcely listened. You always said things like that, but you always assured me you were just joking. If only I could have... I wish I could see you just one more time, I'd tell you how sorry I am for not taking you more seriously. I would tell you the truth about everything, about me. If only I had seen it, if only I had listened! (Almost not rational, too upset to think straight.) You are such a good person, how did this happen? If only I had called then, it might have changed something... Or everything. What made you do it? I can't handle this, I think... I need you here again. I miss you. Why, why? How did I miss this? (Not talking sensibly at all, completely blaming herself now.) It's all my fault, I let you die! I want you back! I'm sorry, I should have listened! If only I had, you'd still be here. (Crying now.) I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please forgive me for not listening, please forgive me for not paying attention. Why? Why? I always cared, I swear. (Voice trails off.) I miss you... I miss you so much, I can't... I need you here. I didn't know it was so bad. You never told me it was this bad, you never said it was like this. You can't be gone. How did I miss this? You can't be dead! I'm sorry... I should have listened. If only I had... |