| Part XVII |
Alex sat in the bedroom with Leah, RIP, LaShana, Ice, and Storm who had flown in that morning. They�d been there most of the afternoon. Each had taken turns in telling Alex stories of having broken up with someone. Most were amicable, some were hard, and one or two were even funny. Alex felt better, her sister�s experiences were sort of similar to her own and she didn�t feel as alone anymore. �I guess it was just vanity to think that I was alone in this. I mean I know that people break up, and relationships don�t work out. But for some reason it just wouldn�t register. Like I�d heard it somewhere as some sort of statistic and it wasn�t reality.� She laughed. �It�s usually never easy, but sometimes it�s necessary. People change, their goals change, they mature, or revert, whichever the case may be.� RIP added. �Sometimes, it�s just as simple as you don�t love that person anymore. It has nothing to do with anything, and it�s no one�s fault.� Ice suggested. Alex looked over at LaShana who was sitting next to her. Alex noticed she had been unusually quiet for a while. She didn�t have her empathic abilities but Alex could still tell something was bothering her. �What�s wrong hun?� Alex asked her. LaShana shook her head, and tried to smile, �Nothing I was just thinking about something.� Alex shook her head and raised an eyebrow to her; �Don�t try that with me. Come on, what�s up?� she asked again. �I thought . . .� LaShana started. �I don�t have to be empathic to know something�s bothering you. You�ve been quiet for a little while, your face is easy to read, least to me anyway.� Alex stated smiling. LaShana smiled then, �This doesn�t have to do with breaking up. This is selfish actually.� She stated. �Alex . . .you�ve been a bride only a short time, but we�ve all been friends for a little while. I thought we were close. I guess I just feel slighted that you couldn�t come to me or one of us with what you were feeling.� LaShana stated. �Alex, you shut us out completely. The only person you were talking to was Matt!. You turned to Matt before one of us.� She exclaimed the hurt evident in her voice. �You�re entitled to your feelings and yes everyone needs time alone. � LaShana started. �But when it became too much for you . . .I�m just trying to ask if you felt you had to keep it to yourself for your reasons . . .or because you felt you couldn�t come to one of us?� Alex sat back, slightly shocked. Looking around the room she realized that all of them felt the same way. �You screwed this one up good, didn�t you?� Alex thought to herself. Alex sighed, as she took LaShana�s hand. �No, sweetie. It wasn�t you guys. I can tell you guys anything. This was so much about me. It didn�t even have a whole lot to do with Paul. Or breaking up with him.� Alex explained. �The reason I didn�t come to you guys . . .I honestly don�t know.� Alex whispered. �But it most certainly wasn�t because you guys weren�t there!� she assured them. �Every time I turned around you guys were there. I think it had mostly to do with the fact that I felt stupid.� She whispered. �Alex! That�s ridiculous!� Storm explained. She shrugged; �It was like I had failed a test I had studied really hard for.� �I don�t understand.� LaShana replied. �Paul was the first guy that paid that kind of attention to me. He was too many 1st�s for me. I gave him my heart and he betrayed it. I felt SO stupid. So instead of dealing with it, I just ignored it. I pretended like it didn�t effect me at all.� Alex remembered. �I thought if I didn�t think about it, it would just go away.� She laughed. �Around you guys I was me . . .attitude and all.� She laughed lightly. �But around Paul I got submissive and mousy.� Alex replied. �I could hear the real me in the back of my head screaming at myself for it. I had allowed myself to become someone I wasn�t.� she explained. �Alex you weren�t any different.� Ice replied. �Not exactly,� she stated, getting frustrated that she couldn�t explain what she meant. �I was bending too much to Paul�s insecurities. I knew he was incredibly jealous . . .and possessive. He didn�t understand Kane and 'Taker�s place in my life. He didn�t understand your,� pointing around to them, �place in my life or why I spent so much time with you guys. He didn�t understand that I was friends� with the guys. I just assumed it was just normal for him to feel that way. After we discussed my jealous streak I thought everything was okay. I mean, I finally understood how to deal with the overzealous fans. I just assumed he wasn�t jealous anymore. Then when I was around the guys or Kane and 'Taker I would see how he would sit and fume. And I�d pull back and turn quiet. Jesse even asked me about it once but I blew him off.� She remembered. �Looking back I realized I was withdrawing from the guys because he asked me to. I was changing the way I dealt with people because my first thought was always �I hope Paul doesn�t get mad.� Then I�d spend 10 minutes yelling at myself because I reacted that way. In the end I just couldn�t� do it anymore. I understand compromises are part of any relationship, but what was going on wasn�t a compromise. I was allowing . . .or almost allowing myself to be changed into someone I wasn�t. Which is why we argued so much toward the end. A little bit of me would come out and question why he was being so jealous. I thought it was all the tension from the angle. And in a way it was, he thought I was defending Kane and taking sides.� Alex mood changed in a blink, her temper starting to rise, anger burning the tears in her eyes. �Until that night � I didn�t realize HOW jealous he could get, or what lengths he would go to. That night it just snapped. When he grabbed me after the match and pulled me into that dressing room . . .listening to him say that he WANTED to hurt Kane. That he�d asked Tori to help him. I lost it!� she exclaimed as she rose to pace the room. As she paced she clench and unclenched her hands, �I got so mad. I�d never felt that kind of anger in myself. I realized he didn�t want the real me.� �He couldn�t handle the real you.� RIP stated. Alex grinned wickedly as she glanced at her, �Apparently not. I went off that night. Yelling and screaming and for the most part he didn�t even argue back.� Alex informed them. �You probably scared him senseless.� Ice stated, as the girls laughed. Alex grinned as she continued, �He couldn�t come up with ONE decent reason for what he�d done. Just that he knew I �loved� Kane. Which is true just not the way he thought. He thought I was �in love� with Kane. He thought I was �in love� with the whole damn roster.� She exclaimed sarcastically. �He thought I was �in love� with everyone but him. He couldn�t see the line � that line between friendship and love.� She explained, then stopped and looked at Storm. �And Paul was obviously out of his mind if he thinks Kane loves anyone but YOU.� She continued, as Storm smiled. Alex sat down and turned to LaShana, resting her head on her shoulder. �The reason I didn�t come to you guys is too many years of not having anyone to go to. I didn�t remember how. I�d spent too many years of not having anyone to talk things out with. Then being only comfortable with 'Taker and Kane. I didn�t want to talk to them about this. They�re angry with Paul. They�re looking for any indication from me to hurt him. Besides you know how they get when they�re protecting us. Or they think we�re in need of protection.� Alex had to giggle at the collective groan that went around the room. �As interesting as it would be,� Alex stated grinning wickedly, �to let them do that. It really wouldn�t change or solve anything. And of course you now how easy it is for me to ask for help � with anything.� She stated sarcastically laughing. �I forgot what it is to have sisters.� Alex informed them, lifting her head looking around the room. �But you have a sister.� Storm pointed out. Alex nodded, �Yeah, but we weren�t terribly close when I was around. We�re closer now that we almost never see each other.� Alex informed them shrugging. �But you have sisters now.� LaShana started. �Take advantage of it. Now you know you can talk to us about anything.� �You can�t get sick like that again.� Leah explained. Alex nodded, �I know. It�s not the most pleasant feeling in the world. I thought my head was going to fall off last night. I was so horrible to the guys and to you guys.� She groaned, her head in her hand. Alex lifted her head after a minute and continued, �I was angry and trying not to be. I was distraught with how I�d let Kane down. I was beside myself with the way I was treating 'Taker. I was angry with myself for . . .� seeing the look the girls were giving her, �no good reason.� She stated quickly. �I really didn�t turn to Matt. He was just the only one not asking any questions. 'Taker, Kane, you guys all wanted to know what was wrong. Jesse would start out neutral but the conversations would eventually turn. I didn�t want to talk about it, cause then I would have to remember. And I would have to deal with it. Matt talked about . . .work, movies, music or even made jokes. I wasn�t under any �pressure� with him.� Alex smiled. �He�s a good friend. He knew what I needed and what I didn�t.� Alex sighed deeply as she continued, �I was busy burying what I was thinking. I didn�t want to think about it anymore.� The tears she�d been holding before falling now. �I mean it was one thing after it happened; to say he�d hurt me. Then he was gone and I didn�t have to think about it. But when he came back; it hurt to see him. I mean physically hurt.� She stated; her hand on her chest. �Every time I looked at him it was just a constant reminder of how I had put my trust in someone and they�d betrayed me.� she sighed, staring down at the floor. �I tried to push it away. I just didn�t want to feel. I told myself I was above it. Someone like him couldn�t hurt me. But I was wrong.� Alex lifted her head and LaShana brushed her tears away. �It just hurt too much.� She admitted. �FINALLY!� Ice exclaimed. Alex couldn�t help but laugh, �Happy now?� she asked grinning, through her tears. �Alex, it�s NOT a weakness to admit something or someone has hurt you.� Leah explained. �I know . . .sort of.� She sighed. �We�re all human.� RIP stated, then looked at LaShana. �Well most of us anyway.� The ladies giggled, as LaShana stuck her tongue out at RIP. �It�s NORMAL to feel whatever it was you were feeling.� �Excuse me, miss �feels everyone else�s emotions�.� LaShana interceded grinning. �Just because you have the gift of feeling everyone else�s emotions doesn�t mean you get to shut yours off. If anything else, it means you need to deal with yours more.� �Exactly!� Storm stated. �You can�t help or understand other people emotions if you aren�t healthy.� She stated, tapping her head. Alex groaned and fell back on the bed. �When did this turn into a �let�s pick on Alex� session?� she asked laughing. �Hey! We�ve been waiting for months to yell at you about this, you�re not going to deny us.� Ice informed her. Alex giggled as she sat up. �Fine. Mark this day down on your calendar ladies. I was wrong.� Alex stated solemnly her hand over her heart. The girls gasp and squealed in mock horror. �Yes, I know its shock,� she continued trying to keep a straight face. �I realized this may be hard for you to accept,� she explained, as the ladies started laughing,� but I�m not perfect . . .� Whatever else Alex was going to say was lost in the barrage of pillows thrown at her from around the room. Alex laughed as she sat up and pushed the pillows away, then turned serious; �I did make a mistake. But I�m not talking about Paul. I forgot I had a family, one that loves me. One that was more than willing to put up with me while I fell apart. I promise to never forget that again.� She assured them. �Now if I could just put my fuzzy memory back together again, everything would be fine.� Alex mentioned. �Are you still having problems?� Leah asked. �Yeah . . .between the attack and the way I�ve been lately.� Alex paused, trying to think straight. �I keep getting the feeling that I�ve forgotten something. And that it was really important.� |