| The pill bottle, the razor and the gun were in front of me. I was sitting there, and then he came out of hiding. 'Hey, do you know what you are doing?" he said. "I came here to die tonight" as those words were uttered I recalled all the other times I had died. It had been a long time since his last visit; he had been in the dark. "You cannot keep coming here. This is not where you are supposed to be," he said. I was puzzled, but I knew what he was saying. Then I replied. "Do you know what this is doing to me?" That is when the sobbing began. There was quiet between us for a long while. The room around us had no character at all. Plain grey walls. There was a small table in the middle of the room. The door that he entered through was very heavy and hard to open. We were both similar in appearances. We both had short hair, his brown, and mine was white. I was wearing jeans and a tee-shirt. He was dressed to impress, whom I don't know. His name was Alex and my name is Will. In the depth of the silence he brightly smiled. I did not know what he wanted. It reminded me of another time when he looked away and destroyed me. Some memories fluttered like Icarus when he got to close to the sun. Burnt up before you can understand what is going on. I was thinking that I was unnoticed, but hopefully when I left they would see. I didn't know what to say, never did, silence was so much easier sometimes but I lost myself in it. I finally spoke up again. "Am I just the fool on the hill, blindly stumbling to my death or is there a chance for me?" He was silent. I knew he didn't have an answer for me, I guess it was my choice. "Why can't you take care of me? Learn how to love?" I said. "You should know you cannot rely on me. I'm experienced, does it push you away?" I guess I saw the gap again that day. That is what set the whole thing off. There are nights when I feel I'm losing my head and losing what sanity I have left. "In the end, you're always by yourself. You're all you've got." I told him that I pushed him away. He said, "Can you find sweet bliss with that razor in your hands? I know you can find your way out of this, dig deep to find the truth." There was no truth, no hope. "I guess the joke's on me," I said. "Hey, bring the wife and kiddies. Come see the show. He's going to break soon." That was the point when I lost it, "I feel I cannot breath some times. It is really sick that I cannot see clearly. I always feel that I am in the way. I wish that I could feel something besides this dull ache in my head. I feel I am getting worse everyday like my body wants to kill itself. I feel as though I have lost my voice. I feel like I am a big lie and maybe people just see want they want to see. I don't know if in time I will get better because I think time deadens us. I lie to myself..." "Are you finished?" he said. Then suddenly the room fell away. And with that I awakened. I realized it was all in my head, it was another nightmare. |
