How am I doing? I can't move. My eyelids will barely stay open. If only I could turn my head to see me... if only I knew how close I was.
I can't imagine what Andy and Kathleen think of me now. I've never left them behind before. Kathleen... she's been here, but Andy's probably scared right now. I could barely hear Paul say not to look at me... I wish I had the time to tell him what happened.
I hope Paul can help them out... I was so prepared to be of service. I was so stupid... how could I just let him manipulate me like this? Why was I so weak? It was just a momentary outburst, wasn't it? Damn, I wish I could move. I feel so incomplete.
Incomplete. That's the whole point, isn't it? Isn't that what I was telling Greg during his first time -- that while you're here, you're supposed to be reminded how incomplete you are without life to support you? Isolated from the world, stuck in a quiet, green room... how can anyone hope to live on their own? You might as well write a death sentence.
I prayed so hard after David left. I wanted to get someone who would be true to... helping out. But I guess, more than that I wanted someone else who knew what they were doing. Kathleen was so lost... she still is... she needs someone out there at all times to guide her. That's what I was hoping. Whoever it would be, that person... that Angel... would know what I knew and help out as I had helped out.
But no... no, instead we get a new guy. First assignment, and here he is looking to me for advice. How does this happen? How do I get the exact opposite of what I want? What purpose was there saddling me with this novice? I don't need to know how to lead someone -- I have Kathleen to remind me of the basics!
I don't know what he thinks of me now. He's probably wondering why I looked so faded. I didn't have time to explain to him -- didn't have time to let him know, it's all right, things are all right, I'm going to be fine, but you've gotta pick up the slack. And Paul... what does Paul have in mind? He doesn't know my history. He doesn't know what I used to do.
What we used to do... Terry and I. This place is full of memories. Hiding back here as everyone else tried to fix the messes we were creating. Just wanting to be two people in love. How did we go so wrong? How did we let our emotions -- our human emotions -- get the better of us?
I'll never understand. I survived; he died. He was gone... he is gone. I never got to see it happen, but I know someone, somewhere, heard him scream. That piercing sound... why do we have to go there and be reminded? It's the worst feeling I know, watching someone get destroyed like that... and I caused it. Why am I still here?
I can move now... I can get up. I need to stand up, to walk around... not that there's much room. The whole place is like a prison cell. I've done a crime -- I let him control me. And now I must serve. Let me pick that up... always felt better being able to see where I'm going.
I wonder what Andy would think if he saw me this way. If he knew how I died. I wonder what he looks like with the hole in the head. We'd both be freaks. We are freaks... nature wasn't created for people like us. The rules don't apply.
Andy... he's a smart kid, I can sense it. He must've been a bright guy in the classroom. At any rate, he's a quick learner. "You can be replaced." Yeah... yeah I can be replaced. Just like David was. And Terry. And Theresa. And Christopher... the guy who helped me when I was first here on that bizarre day in late April. That day when I learned what I was, and why I was...
I wonder where he is now. Next time we go to Heaven, I'll have to check in on him.
Heaven... Heaven seems so far away inside here. And look at me -- I don't look like a saint. Do I? No, not in this outfit. Not with the way I've been disfigured. I look like some extra in a Halloween children's special. Oh, if they only knew what Halloween was like. If only I could warn them.
I sure wish I had a chance to tell Mom and Dad about where I am. I especially wish I could talk to Mom. I only ever get to see her a few times now. I can't even bear to look at her sometimes. The way she... she just... how could she do that? I wasn't worth it! No one is! But she did it all the same, and now she's stuck. Why can't I ever tell people the truth? Where in the Bible does it say I can't do that?
Oh, right... Lazarus and the rich man... "If your brothers could not accept the laws of the prophets, a man from the dead will not be enough." The Word is there... it was there for Mom, and for Terry, and for me, and for that bastard McVeigh. He put me here! I should be back at home, married, with kids, planning a trip to the farm to see my family, not stuck in some green bottle like I Dream of Jeannie waiting for a Monday to...
...listen to me. I'm still angry. I'm still under the influence of anger. I've gotta stop. I feel weak. I look weak. I can still see through me to the walls. I've been here before. Anger's just a step on the road to Recovery. God will take care of the rest.
Father, forgive me. I don't know what I do.