I don't own GW or the rights to this song. Don't sue. I'm hoping I got the timeline right from Episode Zero. This is one of my darker songfics, I consider this sad. "Sober" by Tool on their Undertow album. This is dedicated to all those people who think they know what suffering is.
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Sober by Nikita

[there's a shadow just behind me
shrouding every step I take
making every promise empty
pointing every finger at me
waiting like a stalking butler
who upon the finger rests
murder now the path called "must we"
just because the son has come]

Duo woke in the middle of the night, knowing something was there. 'Not again.' He dreaded what he might see if he flipped on the light. But he knew he had to confront the demon haunting him. Luckily, he wasn't sharing a room with anyone. Slowly, he reached for the desk-lamp beside him, but it turned on by itself.

"Sorry to wake you." The voice was like a hiss with a metallic undertone. Duo shivered at the sound. He looked up to see a mirror image of himself but in reverse, white priest clothing, grayish hair, pure black skin and flame green eyes.

'Oh God' "Go away."

"Can't do that."

Duo was beyond scared, where you'll expect anything to happen. "What do you want from me?" he finally got out.

"I need a favor..." 'Oh God'

[jesus, won't you fucking whistle
something but the past and done?
jesus, won't you fucking whistle
something but the past and done?]

A.C. 189
Duo ran into the little church and the explosion happened. One minute he was in reality, the next he was in a dream-like state. There were no floors but he felt solid ground. All around him was in shadow, only he was lighted. 'Is this heaven?'

"No," Shinigami answered.

"Where am I?" Duo asked with child-like wonder.

"With me."

"What's going on?"

"You're dead."

[why can't we not be sober?
just want to start this over
why can't we drink forever?
just want to start this over]

He tried to drink himself sober, like his life now was just a mad hallucination. It didn't work, now he drank to numb himself, kill his fear. He stole whatever was available, a trait he picked up when he was younger. His life as a street urchin taught him a thing or two. One: don't trust anyone. Two: you see a cop, start walking. Three: don't listen to what a demon says.

For awhile he thought that Shinigami would drive him insane but no such luck. He stayed perfectly in reality. The constant reminder that he should be dead kept him looking for danger and that's how he acquired his Gundam.

Sometimes he prayed at night for God to let him start it over. Let him choose a different fate...to die. If he tried suicide, Shinigami would fix him, he couldn't die now. For what Shinigami had planned, Duo didn't know. He dreaded the future, it held no sparkling glory for him.

[I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
trust in me and fall as well]

Duo knew that Heero loved him. But Heero only knew half the story. Duo couldn't even bear to have sex with Heero. He morbidly hoped that he wouldn't love Heero, he would only bring Heero down. Heero was this perfect thing, like a piece of art. So beautiful to look at, yet forbidden to touch. Duo silently begged Heero to forgive him for not returning his feelings. Duo wanted to love Heero.

"The dead can't love," he would say to himself, to keep in check.

[I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down]

Shinigami smiled at his sleeping son. He closed his eyes and took on Duo's visage. He wanted pleasures of the flesh. He warmed himself and became solid. He opened Heero's door, Heero woke immediately.

"Hi," Shinigami said using Duo's voice and he shut the door.

"I was wondering when you'd visit me again, Duo," Heero answered.

"I've missed you," Shinigami whispered and leaned over Heero.

"I was thin--"

"Shhh...don't speak."

[mother mary won't you whisper
something but what's past and done
mother mary won't you whisper
something but what's past and done]

Duo tossed and turned, his dreams flashing before him. He woke up with a start to see the sun just breaking over the horizon. He slowly slid out of bed and tumbled to the cold floor. He drug the small razor from underneath the mattress. For a moment he stared at the razor, contemplating the fear that must go through a mortal's head. Quickly he brought the razor down his wrist towards his elbow, then did the other one. The blood dribbled out the the gapping wounds. Slowly, his vision grayed out.

[why can't we not be sober?
just want to start this over
why can't we sleep forever?
just want to start this over]

He woke up with a jolt. His joints were stiff from being on the floor too long. He sat up with a groan.

"You almost got away this time," Shinigami said, appearing from thin air. Duo looked around the him to find all the blood gone. His skin was barely stained with it. His underwear was stiff with it.

"I don't know why you bother...it never works. And I'm sure it hurts like hell."

"Why don't you give it a try," Duo said caustically.

"Temper temper, my son."

"Go to hell."

"I only go there for vacation. It really is a lovely place."

[I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave]

Duo's mind started working fast, he noticed Shinigami looked exactly like him. It was like talking to a twin. "You did him again, didn't you, Shinigami," Duo accused.

"It's not like Heero didn't want it."

"You're a fucking demon!"

"He doesn't know that...he thinks I'm you."

Duo cringed at the thought of Shinigami and Heero having sex. Heero thought it meant something, to Shinigami it was just a release.

"Leave him alone," Duo demanded.

"You want him don't you? I don't blame you, he's a good *fuck*."

Duo threw himself at his twin and Shinigami disappeared.

"Boy, you can never catch me," Shinigami hissed.

[trust me trust me trust me trust me]

"I hate you."

"Ooooh, hate, what a strong word. How can you hate me? I gave you life!?" Shinigami said in sarcastically.

"Don't touch Heero ever again."

"Or what, you'll try to kill yourself again?" Shinigami laughed and his presence faded.

[why can't we not be sober?
just want to start things over
why can't we sleep forever?
just want to start this over]

Duo threw out the bloodied underwear and changed into his usual clothes. A knock at the door startled him.

"Come in," he said. Heero walked in with a faint smile on his face.

"We don't have a mission today, I was thinking we could spend all day together...alone."

[I want what I want
I want what I want
I want what I want
I want what I want]

Shinigami laughed in Duo's head as Duo let Heero down...again.
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