Fighting Temptations
By Blimbey73
MSTed by
Queen Aragorn
[Queen
Aragorn and Girl Tree enter the theater dragging several large, kicking sacks.]
GIRL TREE: Maybe it WOULD have been simpler to kill then
resurrect them.
QUEEN ARAGORN: You never listen to my ideas, and who turns
out to be right?
LEGOLAS: *cuts
himself out of bag* Villains!
GIMLI: *joining
him* If you hadn’t caught us in
such a vulnerable position, you would never have taken this Dwarf alive!
QUEEN ARAGORN: I doubt it.
Put some clothes on, please.
GIRL TREE: *giggles
and whispers* If there are Dwarf women, I
envy them! Look at his huge –
QUEEN ARAGORN: You disgust me.
GIRL TREE: - clothes! His huge clothes! That way, if they’re cross dressers, their
clothes will be extra baggy.
QUEEN ARAGORN: And the sad thing is,
I believe that’s what you were going to say.
*pauses* I
knew Legolas was a woman.
LEGOLAS: It’s THERE!
You just need a magnifying glass!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Yeah, yeah, go find Viggo and start a support
group. Right now, we’re reading the mother of all badfics.
LEGOLAS: What’s it called?
QUEEN ARAGORN: Fighting Temptations.
LEGOLAS: Like the football team?
QUEEN ARAGORN: Precisely.
GIRL TREE: It’s powered by . . . SOUL POWER!
ALL: (sing)
Sooooooul power!
A/N: This is kinda my first Fanfict.
GIRL TREE: Isn’t this the same freak who wrote the
half-eyeball half-Elf girl?
QUEEN ARAGORN: Yup . . . main character even has the same
name.
LEGOLAS: *shuddering*
Ro? You’re
telling me I have to face it again?
QUEEN ARAGORN: Yes, but I think in this one she might be
ostensibly female.
LEGOLAS: Are you kidding me? This gets worse and worse.
I started another one..but
it sucked so I stopped.
ALL: *cheer*
QUEEN ARAGORN: It also got taken down. I wonder who could have reported it for abuse?
(She,
Girl Tree, Legolas, and Gimli all look guilty)
Read and Review but try to be nice!
GIRL TREE: *reading
QA’s review* I notice you used the F
word eight times.
QUEEN ARAGORN: *gulps*
F – f - for shame?
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters that are in any of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy.simple as
that .lol
LEGOLAS: Wait, there’s more than one Lord of the Rings
trilogy? Why didn’t someone alert me?
QUEEN ARAGORN: You’re not important.simple
as that .lol
GIMLI: Not another one!
Chapter 1- Love
GIRL TREE: Creative.
Inspiring.
We have a Nobel Prize Winner!
ALL: *applaud
politely*
GIRL TREE: No no no! You’re not supposed to clap, you nits!
ALL: *throw
cabbage at GT*
GIRL TREE: No no no! Not at me, you idiots! At that! *points to monstrosity*
"Rose, (short for
Rosemary) another dress already?"
LEGOLAS: Oh, Ilúvatar.
Who speaks like that? And . . .
GIMLI: Leggy, (short for Legolas) try to calm
yourself.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Legolas (who was a gay lemur with a lollipop
fetish) died one day, and there was much rejoicing.
LEGOLAS: It’s – it’s not a fetish! Call it . . . exploring! Er . . .
LEGOLAS: Ah, the famed while gems. They’re shinier than the Silmarils, WHILE
being uglier than Ungoliant.
GIRL TREE: Sort of like Orlando Bloom. Except for the shiny part.
GIMLI: Shiny?
Who saw something shiny? *picks up pick*
It looked lovely and showed
Rose's perfect elfish figure.
TOLKIEN: *rolls
over in grave*
QUEEN ARAGORN: Her shoulders were broad, and her penis
protruded only slightly. Except around
Legolas, that is.
"Have you honestly not
heard the news?" Rose asked, turning around to face her sister in
disbelief.
GIMLI: (as
Rose) The sun rose this morning, some
little man lost his ring, and I have herpes!
GIRL TREE: Not too bad for an amateur.
GIMLI: *Puffs
out chest* I was axing Sues before you
were conceived.
GIRL TREE: *shudders*
I like to pretend that said conception was asexual.
"What news?"
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
Rose shook her head,
"Prince Legolas is
GIRL TREE: Pregnant.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Ah, there’s nothing like little lemurs
running around the house.
returning from his journey of destroying the ring.
He is a hero.
LEGOLAS: Yes!
Yes! Take that! *does
victory dance*
QUEEN ARAGORN: *sigh*
And I thought we were making progress with the whole
‘keeping his clothes on’.
Tonight, his father is
holding a ball in honor of him and the fellowship for succeeding in saving
Middle Earth."
GIRL TREE: (as
Rose) And you can’t go, Cinderella
. . . I mean, I MAKE UP MY OWN PLOTS!
"Sister, he is a prince, you must be noble blood to even get his attention,
LEGOLAS: (outraged)
She impugns my honor!
I am an Elf, and we live by no such standards!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Aren’t you disappointed? In the last fic, she was showing you her
nipples and everything.
GIRL TREE: Sure you’re remembering that correctly?
GIMLI: *nods*
I was there.
Things got pretty . . . see-through.
LEGOLAS: (thoughtfully)
At least Gandalf seemed to enjoy it.
why don't you ever realize he is not interested in nothing
less?"
LEGOLAS: (as
GIMLI: Hello, Pot?
This is Gimli. Legolas is smoking
you.
(Queen
Aragorn is writhing on the floor)
GIRL TREE: Whoa, are you okay?
QUEEN ARAGORN: Can’t . . . take . . . bad . . . grammar . .
. *dons Stormtrooper
helmet* This will protect me.
LEGOLAS: Should we run?
"Just because I have found
someone to love and work for
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
Legolas) Wash the dishes, Cinderelly, braid my hair, Cinderelly,
on your knees, Cinderelly -
does not mean you have to bring me or him
down.
GIRL TREE: Oh, no, she’ll be bringing him down, all
right.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Literally.
GIMLI: Ahem – that’s MY job!
Plus, he isn't like that, he talks to everyone,"
GIMLI: (as
Legolas) I’m prettier than you. I’m prettier than you, too. And you, and you, and you
with tentacles . . .
LEGOLAS: Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!
QUEEN ARAGORN: I wouldn’t worry about that.
"Oh, then why hasn't he
talked to you?"
GIMLI: (as
Rose) Duh . . . I’m prettier!
LEGOLAS: (outraged)
Slander! At
least I don’t need while gems to look halfway decent!
"You really hate thinking
for a second of me being happy,"
"No, I just find it
pitiful that you indulge yourself in such childish manners.
QUEEN ARAGORN: It’s like the author is talking to herself.
GIRL TREE: (as the
author) We is childish, precioussss . . . no we isn’t!
You're my older sister and yet you act like a younger one,"
"Since when is love
childish? Someday you will learn what love is like.
ALL: (to
Legolas) Soooomeday
your Prince will come . . .
LEGOLAS: Shut up!
You will learn that you will need a family, that you can't always
depend on yourself,"
GIRL TREE: I thought this was her sister!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Obviously, she’s an adopted half-Elf half-eyeball.
"I need no one and love is
a childish thing,"
QUEEN ARAGORN: *throws
a bag of commas at author* AUGHHHHHHHHH!
GIRL TREE: (as
Rosemary as Christian) Love lifts us up where we
belong! Where eagles fly! On the mountain high!
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
LEGOLAS AND GIMLI: *writhing
on floor* ENOUGH!
"Someday, you'll see what
it's like to be lonely. That day, you'll feel differently about love,"
GIMLI: (as
Rose) And the love you provide
for yourself will be quite sufficient.
LEGOLAS: For you, maybe.
Rose screamed, doubting her sister heard, or cared what she was
saying.
GIRL TREE: Did anyone hear or care what that last line
was?
OTHERS: Nope.
**
QUEEN ARAGORN: It’s looking at us, precious!
LEGOLAS: (as
Their parents were in front of them, laughing as usual.
GIRL TREE: (as
their parents) Hehehe
. . . our daughters are bitchy Mary-Sues . . . THE HILARITY!
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
their parents) Hahaha
. . . they have no idea we’re going to kill them . . .
"Girls, cheer up, tonight
is meant to be fun,"
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
LEGOLAS: (as
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
"She's right, I'm sorry
about early,
GIRL TREE: (as
you can have your own view on love," Rose apologized.
"Yeah, I'm sorry
too,"
"Ok, good. I have to say
though, that you look absolutely stunning in that gown," Rose tried to be
nice.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Brace yourselves!
(Everyone
dives under their seats and starts humming loudly)
Aurora was wearing a silver dress, with black borders. It also had
black flowers. It was low cut and just off the shoulders.
GIRL TREE: *resurfacing*
Is it over?
LEGOLAS: I think that’s the worst of it.
GIMLI: Thank Aulë. (mutters) Slut.
"Thanks, you too,"
"Thanks," Rose
giggled, while swaying it in front of her.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
Rose) *doing
the hula* Voulez-vouz
coucher avec moi, ce soir?
GIRL TREE: In the name of the French language, I beg you
to cease!
Their dresses were complete
opposites. Rose's was very puffy, while
GIMLI: If Mary-Sue hates Legolas so much, why is she
even going to the ball?
QA and GT: (sing)
So she can do a little dance! Make a little love! Get down tonight! Get down tonight!
They reached the palace
TOLKIEN: *rocks
grave violently*
and journeyed up the steps.
GIRL TREE: It was long and perilous, but the concrete
finally surrendered and they reached the top safely.
First, their parents, as
respect entered,
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
Thranduil) Ah, Respect! How lovely to see you!
LEGOLAS: (as
Respect) *heads for the bar*
holding
their heads high and then
GT AND QA: Run for your lives! It’s . . . PREPS! AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
LEGOLAS AND GIMLI: *shrug*
GT AND QA: *gallop
away a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail*
She examined the room.
"Looking for someone in
particular?" She heard a voice question behind her.
LEGOLAS: Please, please, don’t let it be me! Ai, Elbereth . . .
QUEEN ARAGORN: Relax.
It’s Gary-Stu.
"No one that
matters," Aurora laughed and turned to see her best friend, Gabriel.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Gabriel was mentioned in the other one,
too. The one where
LEGOLAS: *goes
into attack mode* Gabriel – is – not – Elven!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Down, boy.
Save the rage for –
GIRL TREE: - BATTLE.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Spoilsport.
She and Gabriel had been best friends their whole lives, always
protecting one another and being there. Aurora thought that if love was true in
any way, that it was in the form of friendship, meaning she knew she loved
Gabriel, but only as a friend.
GIRL TREE: And you KNOW that Gabriel will fall in love
with her, creating a Legolas love triangle.
LEGOLAS: He can have her! Really!
They hugged and then they both
heard the sounds of horns.
"Pronouncing, Gimli son of.." The announcer began to introduce a dwarf, before
GIMLI: NOOOOOOOO!
I’m IMPORTANT, and so is my father!
It’s entirely disrespectful of her to leave him out!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Well, she probably didn’t know his name.
GIMLI: But he spoke at the council!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Well, he wasn’t in the movie.
GIRL TREE: Poor old Glóin. Survive a dragon adventure and what credit do
you get? None!
It wasn't until he brought
out Legolas
GIRL TREE: He BROUGHT OUT Legolas? (as Herald) Hi,
this is a LEGOLAS. I OWN him.
that she zoned back in.
GT AND QA: And the beeeeells
of loooooooooove were ringing in her eeeeeeeears!
LEGOLAS: SHUT UP!
"And now, Prince Legolas, son of
Thranduil."
LEGOLAS: *does
victory dance* Boo-yah! Take that, plebeians!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Perfect for a LEMUR is what she meant to say.
GIMLI: *grumbles*
But she’ll put in YOUR father . . .
She watched as he went down, he
greeted the other members of the fellowship and together they proceeded into
the center of the floor up to Legolas' father.
LEGOLAS: Wait, the rest of the Fellowship is
here? Why weren’t they announced? WHY DIDN’T THEY HAVE TO WATCH?
QUEEN ARAGORN: They’re not mentioned again. Stupid Mary-Sue.
"The part of balls I hate
the most,"
GIRL TREE: The meet-and-greet?
LEGOLAS: The meat course? *sharpens
knives innocently*
"Wish, to take a walk in
the gardens," Gabriel suggested reading her mind. Delighted by his
proposal
LEGOLAS: Of marriage!
Oh, let it be of marriage!
GIMLI: No such luck, Elf-boy.
to
leave, they ventured through the hallways and out.
"No matter how many times
we come here, it always feels extremely new and fresh,"
GIRL TREE: I thought she hated it there.
QUEEN ARAGORN: No, she just hates
LEGOLAS: I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!
"It sounds as if you would
fit in just fine," Gabriel proclaimed.
"Why is that,"
GIRL TREE: (as
Gabriel) You’re hated, you’re
non-existent, and you’re a bitch.
QUEEN ARAGORN: How is the ‘palace’ a bitch?
GIRL TREE: *blinks*
I don’t know.
But Mary-Sue is.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Good point.
"You said yourself this is
a beautiful place filled with beautiful
QUEEN ARAGORN: Mole people.
creatures, so you being yourself being a beautiful
QUEEN ARAGORN: Mole person.
creature would fit in just fine," Gabriel
QUEEN ARAGORN: The Mole
explained.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Mole person.
OTHERS: CUT IT OUT!
thing."
LEGOLAS: How does she know he has the sweetest thing?
GIMLI: IS, Leggy, IS. Well, we know where YOUR mind is.
Gabriel nodded, "One of my
few gifts I was born with. The other would be
GIRL TREE: Nancing.
OTHERS: *nod*
dancing,
GIRL TREE: Hey, I was pretty close!
I hear the music has
started, so let me prove this to you,"
"Great, I love this song
too,"
QUEEN ARAGORN: Ten guesses says it’s Britney Spears.
GIMLI: Who?
QUEEN ARAGORN: Er . . . picture a Nazgûl without any clothes on.
LEGOLAS: Better consult Haldir on that one.
They went into the ballroom and
Gabriel spun her onto the floor. He put his hands on her waist, as she placed
hers on his shoulders. Across the floor they began.
LEGOLAS: That’s it!
Nance, nance, LEAP! Nance, nance,
LEAP! Spin – twist – NANCE! – Dip –
nance – leap – nance – bourre - spin – FALL! AAAAAND . . . JAZZ HANDS!
GIMLI: Now imagine it in the
midst of Helms Deep.
LEGOLAS: Hey – a fight badly choreographed is a fight
badly fought! *beams* Pick up ‘Legolas’ Seven
Steps to Successful Nancing’ at a bookstore near you!
(GT
and QA snicker at the Biology class memories)
"And you call this a
gift?"
GIRL TREE: (confused)
Are mourning shoes uncomfortable?
QUEEN ARAGORN: I think she means ‘morning’. You know, from all the headboard banging.
LEGOLAS: *twitch*
With Gabriel, RIGHT?
QUEEN ARAGORN: *smirks*
LEGOLAS: AIEEEEEE!
"You never are
satisfied," Gabriel laughed
GIRL TREE: Hem, hem!
and spun her away and then back in close.
Meanwhile.
"And that is why dwarves,
King, are better then elves," Gimli concluded to Thranduil.
ALL: *twitch*
QUEEN ARAGORN: I would have liked to hear the argument. (as Gimli) We have
scraggly facial hair, we unearth demons of fire, we never have sex, and we
can’t ride horses.
GIMLI: *twitches
dangerously*
QUEEN ARAGORN: *gulp*
I mean, ah, we mine.
Mining is good, yes. Pretty things.
The whole table busted out laughing.
"Son, did you have to deal
with him the whole journey?" Thranduil managed to say in-between breaths.
LEGOLAS: If Gimli had said that,
GIRL TREE: *snort*
I would.
GIMLI: I find this very offensive, you know. *sighs*
Just because I’m not pretty is no reason to make me
into something like . . . THAT.
"Day and night,"
Legolas explained.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Ohhhh . . . night
too, huh?
LEGOLAS: Shut up!
It wasn’t like that! We were . .
. COLD!
GT AND QA: *exchange
amused glances*
GIMLI: Now look what you’ve done!
The whole table continued
on, when Legolas' eyes caught sight of something.
GIRL TREE: (as
Legolas’ eyes) It’s a bird, it’s a plane,
it’s a . . . MOLE PERSON?
"Father,
who is that elf right there," Legolas whispered to his father, pointing
the elf that had caught his attention.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
Thranduil) Your mother!
GIRL TREE: . . . Helen.
"Ahh...that
is Gabriel, son of Galistine,
LEGOLAS: WTF?
Do they know ANYTHING about Elven names?
QUEEN ARAGORN: You’re asking this AFTER Aurora, Rosemary,
and Gabriel?
GIRL TREE: I knew it!
Legolas and Gabe are getting together!
GIMLI: *growls*
Not on my watch!
he
is very noble young elf, he in fact," Thranduil began.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
Thranduil) He . . . er . . . well, son, remember that night when you walked
into
LEGOLAS: How do you know about that?!?!
"No, father, the she-elf
he is with,"
LEGOLAS: *crows*
I called her a she-Elf! Wow, I’m in character!
GIRL TREE: (whispers
to QA) Huh?
QUEEN ARAGORN: It’s like saying bitch. You know, derogatory.
GIRL TREE: *Pippin
voice* What’s derogatory?
"Ahh...that would be Aurora, daughter of Andro
and Lily.
GIMLI: First she’s a half-Elf half-Eyeball and now
she’s the daughter of two hobbits? What
in Dúrin’s name is going on with her?
I believe that her sister, Rosemary is around here somewhere, what
me to send someone to find her?"
GIRL TREE: (as
Thranduil) The three of you should
have . . . fun together.
QUEEN ARAGORN: *snerk* Just like Haldir and the
Ringwraiths. *clutches hand to heart* The greatest fanfic of all
time.
LEGOLAS: Not wanting to know.
QUEEN ARAGORN: It’s a
. . .
GIMLI: I’m not sure that’s legal.
Thranduil stopped when he
realized his son was already half way across the dance floor, on his way
towards Aurora and Gabriel.
LEGOLAS: Okay, I might be hard to get along with at
times, but I’m not half as pompous as she makes me out to be! *struggles
to turn around* Help! Help!
She’s got me in her Mary-Sue tractor beam!
GIRL TREE: Did you let him watch Star Wars again???
LEGOLAS: (still
shouting at
"So, you mean to tell me,
that your ancestor invented dancing,
ALL: Nancing.
that's
why you're so good?"
GIRL TREE: What kind of stupid pick-up line is that?
GIMLI: (as
Gabriel) Is that a Ring of Power in your
pocket or are you just into that kind of thing?
"That's what I've
said," Gabriel explained.
LEGOLAS: And they fell in love and disgustingly ugly
babies together. The end!
QUEEN ARAGORN: At least they weren’t part lemur.
"May I cut in,"
GT AND QA: (sing)
And when I see you standing there –
LEGOLAS: *sharpens
knives dangerously*
GIRL TREE: Fine. *sings
softly, hiding behind Gimli* And then he saw her
face . . .
QUEEN ARAGORN: *frolics
with Maximus*
Gabriel looked at
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
GIMLI: Funny, that’s just what my father said to me
. . .
"Yes, you may,"
Gabriel accepted bowing his head towards
"I am Legolas, if you did
not know," Legolas introduced himself.
LEGOLAS: I’m a Taurus, and I enjoy long walks through
the woods . . . particularly those infested with giant spiders. *winks*
It’s a chick magnet.
GIRL TREE: SWF ISO SCGB.
GIMLI: What?
GIRL TREE: Aren’t we doing personals?
QUEEN ARAGORN: . . . no Single
Chewy Granola Bars around here.
"For a lady to not know
who her future king is, would be against all rules.
ALL: WTF?
LEGOLAS: What rules?
We don’t have rules like that in Mirkwood!
GT AND QA: (sing
to the tune of the Dulac song from Shrek) Welcome to Mirkwood, such a
perfect town! Here we have some rules,
let us lay them down! Please don’t pet
any beasts, bring absinthe to our feasts . . . Mirkwood is a perfect place!
I was aware of who you are, though do you know who I am?"
"Yes, you are
LEGOLAS: Mary-Sue, and for that you must DIE!
GT AND QA: (still
singing) Mirkwood is, Mirkwood is,
Mirkwood is a –
LEGOLAS AND GIMLI: SHUT UP!!!!
Lady Aurora, daughter of Andro and
Lilly, sister of Rosemary,"
GIMLI: (as
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
Legolas) . . . niece of Filangee, great-granddaughter of Faloola,
mailman of Flaramir, uncle’s cousin’s nephew’s former
roommate of . . .
A light bulb suddenly went off
in
GIRL TREE: (as
GIMLI: (as
"My prince, if you are using me to get to my sister, it is a
waste of time. See, you can just go talk to her, trust me, you do not need me
in any way,"
LEGOLAS: (as
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
Legolas twisted his head a
little to show he was confused,
QUEEN ARAGORN: . . . one of
the five facial expressions of Orlando Bloom.
GIMLI: (as
Legolas) *twisting head* AUGH!
It’s stuck!
"My lady, I am dancing
with you, because you caught my attention. Your grace and beauty is something I
could not stay away from."
ALL: *narf*
LEGOLAS: TRACTOR BEAM! TRACTOR BEAM!
AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
QUEEN ARAGORN: That’s it, no more cupcakes for you.
GIRL TREE: Can I have ‘em?
Aurora looked at him,
"Thanks?"
Silence sub stained them.
GIRL TREE: Now, how does that work?
Then Legolas spoke up, "So, you and Gabriel are you two
friends?"
QUEEN ARAGORN: Friends.
GIRL TREE: Yeeees, FRIENDS.
GIMLI: *chuckle*
Just like Sam and Frodo are friends.
LEGOLAS: Or Boromir and Théoden. What?
It could happen!
QUEEN ARAGORN: In your fantasies, maybe.
GIRL TREE: *twitch*
"Oh, Gabe and I, yeah,
he's more of a brother really,"
LEGOLAS: Isn’t he the one who abandoned her in the
first place?
QUEEN ARAGORN: *rocks
back and forth* Must . . . ignore . . .
spelling . . . mistakes . . .
but
could not find him in the crowd. She was so busy looking for him that she did
not see or hear Legolas breath out a sigh of relief.
QUEEN ARAGORN: *rocks
more fervently*
LEGOLAS: (as
himself) She’s trying to get rid of
me . . . this is all going according to plan.
Instead however, she saw
her sister staring at her in amazement and beaming with joy.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
Rosemary) Ohhh,
my sister stole the guy I liked! YAY!
GIRL TREE: Not exactly the
brightest crayon, is she?
LEGOLAS: AUGHHH!
It’s the tractor beam of joy! RUN
AWAY!!!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Definitely no more cupcakes.
Aurora saw this and motioned her sister over, which her sister
happily took the invitation.
"Oh, Rosemary,"
GIRL TREE: (as
QUEEN ARAGORN: Actually, she was, but she walked in on a
scientist with no shirt and a granola boy doing something really kinky with a
hot glue gun.
GIRL TREE: *turns
beet red* Shut. UP.
"Would you like to dance with the prince?"
GIMLI: (imitating
the Argentinean) His love goes to the
highest bidder!
LEGOLAS: Oh, please, don’t make this more excruciating
that it already is.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Going one, twice, SOLD! To the little lemur in the pink garden hat!
"That is most generous, do
you mind?" Rosemary asked Legolas.
"Not at all," Legolas
said, but inside he was screaming for Rosemary to leave.
LEGOLAS: Not as hard as I was screaming for
QUEEN ARAGORN: (randomly)
She should be CASTRATED.
GIRL TREE: (by way
of explanation) Randomness is the essence
of hilarity. Hilarity is the essence of MSTs.
"Farewell Prince
Legolas,"
"Until next time,"
Legolas chimed in.
LEGOLAS: Bitch!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Ahhhh, one chapter
down . . . another excruciating one to go.
GIRL TREE: Why does she write such looooong
chapters?
QUEEN ARAGORN: Maybe she’s compensating for something.
A/N: Thanks for all the great reviews...sorry it took me FOREVER
to get my chapter up... but here it is! Btw- all suggestions are welcome!
QUEEN ARAGORN: You know, it’s funny,
my suggestions were not received with such welcome.
GIRL TREE: You suggested that she take the story down
and drown herself in hot grease.
QUEEN ARAGORN: I did not say anything about hot grease.
GIRL TREE: But you were thinking it.
QUEEN ARAGORN: *shakes
head* No respect.
Disclaimer- I do not own any of the characters featured in any of Tolkien’s
books!
GIMLI: That’s nice to know . . . but then again, she
doesn’t USE any of the characters featured in Tolkien’s books.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Except Dane the Tree.
GT AND QA: *dance
foppishly like Dane the Tree*
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
Dane) Good Lord, where is my
washcloth? I cannot go onstage without
it!
Chapter 2 –
Aurora had hung around the ball
for a little while, looking for Gabe, who seemed to have disappeared.
GIMLI: (as
Gabe) At last, I’m free from her
evil clutches!
“Great, now not only do I have
to walk home alone,
GIRL TREE: And get raped.
QUEEN ARAGORN: . . . by
SAURON!
I have to wait until tomorrow to yell at him,”
LEGOLAS: Oh, he’s in for some punishment, all
right. (as
GIMLI: *pulls
handcuffs from pocket* They’re right where you
left them.
She headed up the stairs, got
her cloak and was about to exit out of the doors when she heard a familiar
voice, “walking home alone in the dark, is not a very wise decision for a young
elf.”
ALL: RAPE!
RAPE!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Naked on the floor with roses.
GT AND QA: *Narf*
LEGOLAS AND GIMLI: Eh?
QUEEN ARAGORN: It’s a British thing.
GIRL TREE: Apparently.
I just thought it was us being sick and weird.
leaning against a wall.
“My chaperone seems to have
deserted me,” Ro glared.
GIMLI: What, now she’s Ro again?
GIRL TREE: Ro, Ro, Ro your boat, gently down the stream!
“Don’t worry I’m here,” Gabe laughed. “I take it your ready to leave; hold up
let me get my coat.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,”
Ro continued to glare. Gabe turned around and looked at her confused.
LEGOLAS: Oh . . . saucy.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as Ro
as Katrina) You left my bed cold
tonight! BAD lover! BAD!
“Why did you just leave me to
dance...with...with HIM!”
GIRL TREE: (as Ro)
At least, I THINK it’s a him. (as self) But we
think differently.
“Oh....that...come on Ro, it
wasn’t that big of a deal, I mean seriously,” Gabe started to bite the bottom
of his lip, a bad habit he had picked up from Ro.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Then he started to scratch his balls, another
bad habit he had picked up from Ro.
LEGOLAS: Or Gimli.
GIMLI: HEY!
“Yes it was! I can’t stand
being around the man that killed...” tears were forming in Ro’s eyes from anger
and sadness.
LEGOLAS: Orcs? Uruks? Haradhrim? Out with it, beeyotch! Who did I
kill?
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
GIRL TREE: Makes more sense than (as Helen and QA doing subliminal messaging) Your
name is Inigo Montoya. He killed you father. Prepare to die!
QUEEN ARAGORN: (mysteriously)
Peter Bacon is your lover. There is
a gerbil in your rectum. Peter Bacon is your lover. There is a gerbil in your rectum.
Gabe looked at her and realized
that he had caused her pain.
GIMLI: (as
Gabe) I told you to say stop if
it started to hurts!
He let her lean on his chest, while he embraced her in a hug, “sshhh....don’t cry, I’m sorry.”
Aurora just looked down, one thing was for certain. He would never be like Carden.
LEGOLAS: (solemnly)
None of us will ever be like Carden.
GIMLI: Who the hell is Carden?
LEGOLAS: Beats me.
QUEEN ARAGORN: It’s . . . the Bourne Identity!
GILR TREE: (as Carden as Henry) Do – you –
have – any – idea – who – I – am?
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as Ro
as Lucy) *builds dramatic tension* .
. . No.
~Flashback~
Aurora sat up straight on her
chair, in front of her mirror as Rosemary, standing behind her, clipped on her
pendant.
GIRL TREE: (as Ro
as Aragorn) I cannot take this!
LEGOLAS: (as
Rosemary as Arwen) It is mine to give to whom
I will. Like my heart.
“So, tonight’s the big night,”
Rosemary giggled as she looked at her sister through the mirror.
QUEEN ARAGORN: So we were right all along!
INCEST ALERT: *beeps
red* It’s incest time!
“It’s not for sure, I’m not
even sure he’s ready to settle down,”
Rosemary looked at her sister
in disbelief, “Trust me, tonight is a night you will
remember forever.”
INCEST ALERT: *breaks
from overload*
GIMLI: Now THIS is my kind of flashback.
Just then a knock on the door echoed through the house. Half
running, half flying
LEGOLAS: Gandalf.
GIRL TREE: Naked on the floor with roses.
QUEEN ARAGORN: . . . and
yams.
her lover, her man, Carden.
“My lady, you
look.....beautiful,” Carden exclaimed.
“As do you,”
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
LEGOLAS: *raises
bow* Take that back!
QUEEN ARAGORN: *gulp*
Ah, except, ah, for Legolas’ stunning creation at Aragorn’s
coronation.
LEGOLAS: Go on . . .
QUEEN ARAGORN: And, ah, his, ah, little velvet number at the
council . . . and his very gay leggings and skirt during the Quest . . .
LEGOLAS AND GT: THERE’S NOTHING GAY ABOUT CROSS DRESSING!
“Ready?” he asked, offering his
arm out.
“Yes, um,”
GIMLI: Well, that was pointless to include.
“Will you do me a favor,” Carden asked.
LEGOLAS: (as
They were in the middle of the ball, having a great time dancing.
ALL: Nancing.
LEGOLAS: And one, and –
QUEEN ARAGORN: Do
not go there, Elf-boy.
“Anything,
what?”
“My younger brother, Gabe looks
rather lonely over there, would you mind accumping
him in a dance?”
GIRL TREE: Accumping?
GIMLI: I’m sure THAT isn’t legal.
Ro laughed, “I’d be honored,
where will you be?”
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as Carden) Er
. . . doing something that does not at all involve Legolas, a can of whipped
cream, and some light bondage.
GIMLI: Legolas!
Is this true?
LEGOLAS: . . . could be.
“Since, this is the ball to
honor Prince Legolas before he sits out on his journey to Rivendell, I feel
that I must go and
QUEEN ARAGORN: Take my –
GIRL TREE: If you even TRY to finish that sentence, I
will disembowel you.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Take my . . . bubble bath. Alone.
GIRL TREE: *glares*
QUEEN ARAGORN: . . . wearing
a swimsuit.
GIRL TREE: But why are they
holding a ball in his honor if he’s SITTING OUT his journey to Rivendell? What,
all Elves have a “gay-and-wimpy” fetish or something?
speak a few words to him,” Ro nodded and the
two parted.
Aurora ventured over to Gabe,
“You look like you’re having fun.”
LEGOLAS: Gabe gulped and retied his breeches, trying
to think of an appropriate excuse for what he had been doing to himself.
GIRL TREE: *goes
off the research the possibility of contagious Heleness*
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
Gabe) I love my solitary bubble
baths!
Gabe sighed, “Ever since you
and my brother became, you know, a thing, I have lost my dancing
ALL: Nancing,
partner.”
ALL: *cry at
the terrible injustice*
GIMLI: (as
Gabe) And also my life
partner. Oh, Carden!
“I thought you weren’t very
good at dancing,”
ALL: Nancing,
Ro teased.
“Haven’t I always told you, my
ancestors were the ones who invented dancing,”
ALL: Nancing.
Gabe smiled.
GIRL TREE: A stupid one.
LEGOLAS: How does one invent dancing? I suppose you could invent a form, like jazz
or interpretive or nancing, but how do you invent DANCING?
QUEEN ARAGORN: Well, you just take that up with the
copyright officials.
Gabe offered his hand, “May I have this dance
ALL: Nance.
my
lady?”
“That you may,”
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as Ro)
If you weren’t, I’d have to report you for incest.
you for sure did not inherit any dancing genes.” Carden
just snickered, while
LEGOLAS: Wait, didn’t the two ‘part’? What’s Carden doing
there?
GT AND QA: (sing)
He’s maaaaagic!
They waltzed and talked for the song, not really caring about how
sloppy they looked. The song was just about to end, when
LEGOLAS: . . . yes.
GIMLI: He’s stealthy, that one.
LEGOLAS: Or Gimli naked.
GIMLI: You seem to tolerate it fairly well.
“I’m sorry Gabe, I need to talk
to Lady Aurora,” Gabe nodded and handed
“Ya est raika?”
(What is wrong?)
ALL: *throw
up*
LEGOLAS: Is that supposed to be ELVISH?
QUEEN ARAGORN: (darkly)
Black Speech of Mary-Sue.
placing her hand on his
ALL: *wait
with bated breath*
cheek.
GIRL TREE: Oh damn, so close.
“Come outside to the balcony,”
Ro nodded and the two ventured outside. Aurora stood their staring at Carden confused, while he looked off into the distance,
deep in thought.
GIRL TREE: (as Carden) What’s the right way to
tell her I’m leaving her for Gabe?
QUEEN ARAGORN: A quick slap to the head would clear things
up nicely.
“Ya est it?” (What is it?)
QUEEN ARAGORN: First of all, ‘ya’
means nothing in the Elvish language. The prefix for ‘what’ is ‘man’.
‘Est’ means ‘is’ in Latin. And ‘it’ . . . is just ‘it’.
GIRL TREE: Thank you for that. I’m sure that some lonely goat farmer in
QUEEN ARAGORN: (sings)
Yodelay, yodelay,
yodelay hee-hoo.
Carden turned to her and saw that her eyes were
gleaming and beginning to moisten.
GIMLI: Why, exactly?
LEGOLAS: Did you not HEAR that yodeling?
“I have just talked to the
prince. He has told me why he plans to go to Rivendell.
LEGOLAS: To bring news of Gollum’s escape?
QUEEN ARAGORN: $10 says that’s not so.
Aurora, you must tell no one what I am about to share with you,” Carden begged.
“Not a soul,”
“Prince Legolas is
GIMLI: (as Carden)
Pregnant.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as Carden) With my child.
going
to destroy the ring, the ring of power. The one ring that can bring the ulka mine (evil one) back, the one ring that....” Carden was going off in a million directions.
LEGOLAS: And none of them were actually correct.
“I do not understand why this
is of any importance to you,”
LEGOLAS: *does
victory dance*
GIRL TREE: In the name of decency, I ask you to cease.
“He has asked me to go with
him, to Rivendell, who knows maybe even further,”
ALL: Ooooooooh.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Saucy.
GIRL TREE: All the way to Rivendell . . . that means
you’re married.
GIMLI: But this was not enough for our dear
prince. No, he wanted to take their
relationship FURTHER.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as Carden) Ohhh,
look! A line of ants! They’re working as a team!
“This is your chance, you have
longed for an opportunity like this. Why does your
LEGOLAS: -wet-
GIRL TREE: What have you been
teaching him???
dream cause you so much pain?”
GIMLI: (as Carden) Well, I’m into that sort of
thing.
GT AND QA: . . . Helen.
Aurora asked, lifting his head, so he was looking into her eyes.
LEGOLAS: AUGH!
She’s got him in her tractor beam!
GIRL TREE: (Mutters) Damn, I thought he forgot
about that…
“That was my dream, until,
until I met you.
ALL: *snicker*
Aurora do you not
understand, I will not be back for months, maybe years, and that would be if I
return,” Carden looked at her.
LEGOLAS: (as Carden) Someday I’ll come back.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as
LEGOLAS: (as Carden) Well, I was thinking we
could . . . you know . . .
“This was going to be the
night, I ask you to be my one for all the rest of the eternities.
GIRL TREE: Is that redundant in any way?
This would be the night I was going to give my heart to you and
you alone, hoping you in return would give me yours.
GIRL TREE: (as Carden) Give my heart . . . and
something else.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as Carden) My . . . my . . . WOODEN
SPATULA! Congratulations, you’re a
winner!
Though, now I feel like I
can not make you give that up,”
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as Carden) I know that my spatula is
very important to you. And I know that
no matter what, I can’t keep you from sautéing.
“My heart is yours; you already
have it, I...”
“No, do not say it, or you will
be bound to it the rest of your life. All the rest of the eternities you have
to live.
GIRL TREE: … again with the redundancy.
GIMLI: I think he’s trying to break up with her.
GIRL TREE: Gee, I wonder why?
If I do not return, I would
want to know, you still had a chance to find happiness. Happiness can not be
achieved alone;
ALL: *snort*
you
will need to have someone,”
GIRL TREE: (as Carden) . . . every night.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Just like the pillow slut!
ALL: *scared
jazz hands*
“There will never be any
substitute,”
GIRL TREE: Does that make any sense? What is she, in a maze?
QUEEN ARAGORN: . . . of LOVE!
LEGOLAS: If there’s never to be any substitute, WHY
THE HELL IS SHE FALLING FOR ME?
“I know, just tell him you
do not wish to go. You said it was your dream, we can run away and never come
back.”
LEGOLAS: *mutters*
What a controlling bitch.
Aurora knew what she spoke
of was silly, but she could care less.
“I can not just desert the
kingdom, the prince, and every lovely creature in it,”
GIMLI: LEGOLAS!
WHAT does he mean by that?
LEGOLAS: Nothing!
Nothing, I swear!
he gently slid his hand down her check and rested it on her
shoulder. “I will do everything I can to return, just promise me that you will
find someone, something,”
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as Carden)
And they may not sauté
like I do, baby, but you’ll always have my spatula to show them who’s boss.
“I...I...I do not feel that I
am able to make such a promise,”
“Make the promise to me,
please, so I can say I fulfilled my promise to you, to never cause you pain,
please I beg of you,”
“I promise,” Aurora whispered,
but knew her heart did not mean either of the two words she had just said.
GIRL TREE: SO the words came out of her heart rather
than her mouth?
QUEEN ARAGORN: CORONARY COMBUSTION!
“Thank you,” Carden pulled her toward her and the two just stood there
in the moonlight not saying a thing, for there was nothing to be said.
ALL: *snort*
GIRL TREE: *odd grunting noise*
~End of Flashback~
“Come on, lets go,” Gabe
explained and led her out the door. “While you were enjoying your dance, I
heard many different stories about the hero that has returned.”
QUEEN ARAGORN: The wooden spatula?
“You mean the sword, after all
that’s what killed the enemy, not the man holding it,”
ALL: o_0
GIRL TREE: Yes, because the sword floats around,
chopping people’s heads off.
QUEEN ARAGORN: LIKE THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN! Or Headless Aragorn, if you
prefer.
GIRL TREE: Run, Johnny Depp, run!
Gabe laughed, “You know that
made about zero sense.”
GIMLI: I concur.
Aurora laughed back, “It wasn’t
supposed to. It was just to make me feel better and never have to call him a
hero of mine.”
QUEEN ARAGORN: *sings* I need a hero!
OTHERS: *cover
ears* AUGHHHHHHHH!
Gabe just rolled his eyes as
they reached the gate to the front yard of Aurora’s house, “You going to be
okay. I am truly sorry about tonight,”
“Yes, I’ll be fine, but I
shouldn’t be the one your worried about. Come tomorrow I shall get my revenge
upon you,”
LEGOLAS: Saucy.
GIRL TREE: (as
QUEEN ARAGORN: *ponces* Nobody curses like I do!
“I guess I do deserve it,” Gabe
came closer to her, for a hug good bye, but
GIRL TREE: And he followed. And they were kept busy for a long time to
come.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Hey, it takes a strong girl to say no to sex!
LEGOLAS: Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve
had to –
GIMLI: HRM!
LEGOLAS: Had to . . . bathe. It’s how I keep so squeaky clean.
Gabe just laughed, shook his head, turned and left. Watching him
walk away through the window,
QUEEN ARAGORN: Yeah, *that’s* justified.
GIRL TREE: Because the horribleness was passed down
through their bloodline or something? (as
Gabe seemed the only person
that understood her and visa versa. Aurora had never told him about her promise
to Carden, to find someone new, but Gabe had known
about the one, about Carden never hurting her. Gabe
decided that as one of the last things he’d do for his brother,
would be to follow through with the promise.
Aurora was about to leave the
window, when she saw a hooded cloak figure
QUEEN ARAGORN: Cloak figures, buy em
today! We have hooded, nancing, and
wearing-white-shawls-and-baying-to-the-moon!
open
her gate and enter her yard. In the dark she could not make out the figure, but
saw he was carrying something, someone. Rushing the door and opening it, she
looked up into the deep, blue eyes and knew who it was, Legolas. Looking down,
she gasped to see Rosaline’s face ghost white.
GIMLI: You killed her! I must say, I’m impressed.
GIRL TREE: I concur.
LEGOLAS: *does
victory dance* Go me!
QUEEN ARAGORN: All right, that’s finally over. I think I scared this author off fanfiction
for good.
GIRL TREE: Thank god.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Anyway, let’s hear it for Gimli and Legolas,
who somehow survived to tell the tale.
LEGOLAS: Believe me, I will tell NO ONE this
tale. And if you do –
QUEEN ARAGORN: Hush.
Another hand for Girl Tree, whose personality I . . . er . . .
commandeered, and also for lending her actual personality to the second half.
AUDIENCE: *throws
cabbages*
QUEEN ARAGORN: And finally, lackluster applause
and death threats to Blimbey73, author of what I’m sure is the worst fic
ever.
GIRL TREE: No no no, that would be the half-Elf, half-eyeball monstrosity.
QUEEN ARAGORN: *blink*
That’s what I was talking about. Oh, well – and finally, a HUGE hand to ME,
for finding and MSTing this sorry excuse for
fanfiction.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO USED TO
BE INNOCENT: *throw cabbages…and
tomatoes!*