THE LARD OF THE RINGS
CHARACTER EQIVALENTS:
Frodo = Chewy (just because it’s
funny)
Sam = Brian (gay lovers complex)
Merry = Jason (because they’re
dumb!)
Pippin = Justin (ditto)
Boromir = Courtney (unnatural
hobbit obsession much?)
Legolas = Jenna (obviously)
Gimli = Kellie (how much dirtier
can you get?)
Aragorn = My Perfect Aragorn
(hands off)
Arwen = Beautiful Me (durrrrrh)
Sauron = Mr. Patzkowski (big
evil eye sees all)
Saruman = Mrs. Matesa (a more
active evil)
Elrond = Mrs. Cavanaugh (she
can’t silence me, let alone ship me off to the Undying Lands!)
Bilbo = Mr. Bowmaster (annoying
singing much?)
Eowyn = Homa (couldn’t include
Bob without it this way)
Grima Wormtongue = Bob the
Iranian Stalker (of course)
Faramir = Harold Hill (creative
license!)
Treebeard = Peter Bacon (goes on
. . . and on . . . what? Me? Asleep?)
Galadriel = Beth (well, she
likes Haldir, he’s Celeborn’s twin!)
Celeborn = Eye Candy (durrrh,
strong and silent type . . . )
Rosie = Steven (rotation/love
triangle, heehee!)
Act 1: The Fellowship of that
Thing
Beth: Dulaney is changing . . .
I can feel it in dirty water fountains . . . I can smell it in the bathrooms .
. . all that once was is gone, like people passing Biology . . . there is a new
evil rising in the East Wing . . . The dark lord Mr. Patzkowski forged twenty
class rings of power. Three were given to the elves, ME! Haha,
and seven to the dwarf kings (arrogant bastar – BLEEP!) OK! OK! AND THE RACE OF
MEN BOUGHT NINE RINGS! . . . But they were all of them deceived, for another
ring was made. Mr. Patzkowski poured his strictness, his boring speeches, and
his WILL TO DOMINATE ALL GRADES into its forging. Ooo, this is getting spooky .
. . (uses spooky voice) Who is spooked?
Random Orc: Please tell the
story, wacko elf!
Beth: Whatever . . . okay, once
upon a time, three thousand years ago, Mr. Patzkowski took control of all
grades. He had the evil biology teacher, Mrs. Matesa, as his right-hand minion.
She failed everyone and gave ridiculous tests.
Courtney: Blah, blah, blah, who
gives a shit?
Beth: Shut up! This is three
thousand years ago! You’re not born! Only the teachers have been around that
long! Anyway, moving on. (resumes
creepy voice) But there were those who resisted. A last study group of men
and elves appealed to the school board. Mr. Patzkowski challenged them, the
Free Students of Dulaney High, to a final exam. War was waged, and when the
last hope was failing, Isildur, son of the principal, took up his father’s
pencil. He chopped the Class Ring right off. In that moment Mr. Patzkowski was defeated,
and the Students had won. But the hearts of educators are easily corrupted. The
Ring betrayed Isildur, and went off to find a new victim.
Gollum: My preciousssssss . . .
oh, ach! Anyone have throat lozenges?
Beth: The Ring soon grew tired
of Gollum, as any sane piece of jewelry would, and went off on its own again.
Ring: ON MY OWN! NO ONE HERE
BESIDE ME!
Mr. Bowmaster: Shut up. This is
not Les Mis. Here, I’ll take you!
Beth: It was picked up by the
dumbest creature of all – a hobbit. And, thank god, this is where our story
begins.
(Chewy is under a tree
reading Trig for Stupid Hobbits. Enter Gandalf, driving a cart)
Chewy: Gandalf! You’re here!
Hip, hip, hooray!
Gandalf: Oh no, not you!
Chewy: What’s that, Gandalf?
Gandalf: (Tries to blow Chewy
up with fireworks. Doesn’t work) Er, nothing.
Chewy: I’ve missed you . . .
Gandalf: For the last time,
we’re over! I thought you had a new boyfriend!
Chewy: (pouting) I do!
And I’m off to see him! (leaves)
Gandalf: Good luck with that.
Ho, hum, Mr. Bowmaster! Anybody home?
Mr. Bowmaster: For the last
time, Chewy, you’re not welcome here! Lose that creepy gardener and you can
come in!
Gandalf: What about very old
exes?
Mr. Bowmaster: (opening door)
Old is right! Why don’t you get a Class Ring of Power? No wrinkles, see? Want
some Irish tea?
Gandalf: Sure, sure. Excited for
your party?
Mr. Bowmaster: I’m old. I don’t
get excited.
Gandalf: Leaving the house to
Chewy?
Mr. Bowmaster: S’long’s he
doesn’t bring that gardener, yeah.
(Cut to Mr. Bowmaster’s
party)
Chewy: Brian, why don’t you ask
Steven for a dance? We must keep up appearances!
Brian: Oh, Mr. Chewy, I could
never! It’s you I love!
Chewy: Well, shut up about it!
Oh great, everyone is looking at us! Um, speech! Speech from Bowmaster!
Mr. Bowmaster: All right, then.
Frankly, I don’t like any of you. That’s why I’m leaving. (disappears)
Crowd: Huh? Hey, look – ale!
Mr. Bowmaster: Heehee, I’m
invisible, no one can see me!
Random Hobbit: Augh! The voices!
They’re back! (jumps in the lake)
Mr. Bowmaster: Ooops. Anyway . .
. (enter Bow End) Honey, I’m home! (takes
off Class Ring)
Gandalf: There are many class
rings in this school, Mr. Bowmaster, and none of them should be used lightly.
Mr. Bowmaster: Who cares? I’m
off, ta-ta!
Gandalf: I thought you were
leaving the Class Ring to Chewy.
Mr. Bowmaster: Why should I,
punk? Huh? Huh?
Gandalf: Mr. Bowmaster! Do not
mistake me for some cheap conjurer of tricks!
Mr. Bowmaster: Gulp. Here’s the
Class Ring then. Don’t wait up. (leaves)
Seventeen Years Later . . .
Gandalf: (arrives at Bow End)
Chewy! Still held back, I see?
Chewy: (glumly) For seventeen years now. I thought I was a genius.
Gandalf: Well, that may be part
of the problem. Hey, can I see your Class Ring?
Chewy: Sure, sure. Hey, listen,
I have a math test tomorrow, and you’re wise and all that –
Gandalf: No. Hey, look! Read
what it says on the Class Ring! ‘One Ring to rule them all . . .’
Chewy: Hey, and if you turn it
upside down there’s instructions to build a spaceship!
Gandalf: Gimme that! (snatches Class Ring) By golly, you’re right! But you
need some sort of crystal . . . Oh, I know this guy in Bree who might be able
to get us one on the black market. Meet ya there, OK? And don’t show anyone! I
want to drive the spaceship myself!
Chewy: Sure. So about that math
test . . . (they hear a thump)
Gandalf: Get down!
Chewy: Oh, that’s just Bri. I
told him to climb out the window so you wouldn’t see us together. Hey, Brian!
Got your clothes on?
Gandalf: You idiot, now he knows
about the spaceship!
Chewy: Naw, I bet he wasn’t
listening.
Brian: (climbs in the window)
Was too!
Chewy: Well, he’s real dumb.
Brian: That’s not what you said
last night!
Chewy: Idiot, I DID say that
last night.
Brian: Oh. Hey, can I go with
you to Bree? I’d be AWFUL lonely without you . . .
Gandalf: Enough! I do not care
to hear of the sex lives of hobbits!
Brian: So can I go?
Gandalf: Sure, sure. Now scram.
(Chewy and Brian are walking
in a cornfield)
Chewy: What is it, Bri?
Brian: If I take another step,
it’ll be the farthest away from home I’ve ever been.
Chewy: Brian, we’re still in my
backyard.
Brian: Oh.
Justin and Jason: (rolling
out of the corn) Hiya!
Chewy: Great. We NEVER get any
privacy.
Jason: Baaaaaaaaaah.
Justin: Don’t mind him; we just
passed a flock of sheep.
Brian: Ah. Hey, come to Bree
with us?
Justin: Sure. Whoa, dude, what’s
that?
Black Teacher No. 3: Rahhhhhhhh!
Hobbits: Aughhhhhhhh!
BT No. 3: Aughhhhhhhhh!
Hobbits: Aughhhhhhhh!
Chewy: Hey, lookit the pretty
ring! I shall put it on!
Brian: Noooooooooo! Don’t cross
to the Dark Side!
Chewy: (shrugs) OK.
BT No. 3: Tag, you’re it!
Hobbits: (run)
Aughhhhhhhhh!
(Bree)
Jason: What’s that?
Justin: A pint.
Jason: Of what?
Justin: Water.
Jason: I’m getting one!
Justin: He just doesn’t like me
having something he doesn’t.
Chewy: Hey, lookit the pretty
ring!
Jason: Chewy Baggins? Yeah, I
know him. Why? He has a boyfriend, you know.
Chewy: It’s shiny. (puts on ring)
Aragorn: Gah! You stupid Bulgarian
hobbit!
Chewy: Aughhhhhhhhhh!
Brian: I‘ll save you, Mr. Dipps!
Aragorn: Nice viola.
Brian: (looks at viola,
exchanges it for bass) Hey guys, I learned a catchy tune on the bass! Wanna
hear?
Aragorn: No thanks. Go to bed.
Hobbits: Yay!
Aragorn: Not the SAME bed . . .
AUGHHHHHHH! Eyes . . . burned . . . must . . . forget . . . image . . .
(Hobbits snore. Black
Teachers stab ‘them’)
BT No. 8: Tastes like chicken!
BT No. 6: Mmmmmm, chicken.
Aragorn: Let’s scram! Come on,
freaks!
Justin: I want breakfast.
Aragorn: You’re too fat.
Justin: Fooey. (pouts)
Witch King: Heehee! Lookit the
cute little hobbits! (stabs Chewy) Eeeew! You
got blood on my sword! It’s VINTAGE!
Brian: Want some bacon?
Witch King: Sure. (sits and eats with them)
Aragorn: (charges) Gah!
My bacon!
Witch King: Whoa, don’t get all
wonky and possessive on me!
Aragorn: I’ll cook you for that!
(throws fire) Yuck, you’re worse than turkey
bacon.
Witch King: Oh, that hurts. (storms off)
Brian: Oh, no! Chewy’s sick!
Aragorn: Great.
Me: Hi, sweetie.
Aragorn: My love! (*kiss*kiss*kiss*kiss*kiss*)
Can you fix this hobbit? I think I broke it.
Me: Do you have a Phillips head
screwdriver?
Aragorn: Sorry, just a flathead.
Me: Better take him to my dad.
He has a whole tool set.
Aragorn: Okay. (*kiss*kiss*kiss*kiss*kiss*kiss*)
(Chewys wakes up to see
something big and gray looming over him)
Chewy: Gandalf?
Ms. Cavanaugh: Sorry. (lifts screwdriver away)
Gandalf: Here I am, Chewy.
Chewy: Where’s Brian?
Gandalf: Check under your
covers.
Brian: Hi. Jason and Justin are
here too.
Chewy: Hi, everybody.
Brian: I wanna go home.
Chewy: I thought you always
wanted to do it with a elf.
Brian: (gleeful) You don’t mind?
Chewy: Nah, you should probably
get it out of your system.
Brian: Oh, boy! (jumps out and runs off) Hey! Glorfindel!
(The next day, at a very
SECRET council meeting . . .)
Ms. Cavanaugh: I suppose you all
know why you have been called to gather here. To discuss the
fate of the One Class Ring.
Courtney: Oops. I thought this
was a Biology study group.
Ms. Cavanaugh: It is! In a manner of speaking, of course.
Gandalf: Mrs. Matesa is evil
now.
Courtney: Durrrh, like we didn’t
know THAT already. (notices the Class Ring)
Shiny! Can I have it?
Ms. Cavanaugh: No. It’s part of my personal collection – I mean, it must be
destroyed!
Kellie: Okay, I’ll do that. (tries to bite Class Ring) Wait, it’s not working. (examines it) My doctor told me to watch what I eat . . .
Jenna: Can I ride my pretty pony
and take it to Mordor? (gloats) My pony’s hair
is almost as shiny as mine!
Aragorn: Is your pony Bill?
Jenna: His name is William!
William Turner!
Aragorn: Oh.
Courtney: Why wasn’t I invited
to your party?
Chewy: (sensing hostility)
I’ll take the Class Ring to Mordor!
Gandalf: Oh, will you now?
Chewy: Yeah. Gimme
a road map.
Gandalf: In that case, I’d
better come with you.
Chewy: For the last time, I HAVE
A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Aragorn: Here, you have my
sword.
Chewy: Great. Another
traveling companion.
Aragorn: (stares blankly)
What? I said you could have the sword. I’m not going
with you! (Ms. Cavanaugh glares) Oh, fine.
Jenna: You want my bow? (glares) On second thought, you can’t touch it. I’d
better go.
Kellie: Hey, me too!
Courtney: Me three!
Brian: (runs in) Chewy!
It’s not true, is it? You’re taking a vacation with them and I wasn’t invited?
Chewy: Uh, you can come too.
Justin and Jason: (runs in)
Us too!
Courtney: OH MY GOD! This makes
everything worthwhile! (to the Jason and Justin)
Wanna have a go at some . . . swordplay – if you know what I mean?
Justin: Sure.
Courtney: (swoon) You can blow my Horn of Gondor, baby – if you know what I
mean. (to Jason) You too,
sweetcheeks.
Council: (vomit) Scarred
. . .
(Later, by
the shards of Narsil . . .)
Courtney: Behold! Narsil, the
pencil that was broken! (pricks her finger on it)
Recently sharpened, I see.
Aragorn: (reading The
Hobbit) Go away.
Courtney: Whatever. (leaves)
Me: (appears) I thought
he’d never leave.
Aragorn: I was about to drive
the freakin’ pencil up his ass! (they kiss a whole
lot)
Me: I love you, Aragorn, and
you’re really, really, hot, but don’t you think it’s time to accessorize? (hands him pendant) This is a symbol of our everlasting
love. Not to be worn with gold.
Aragorn: You said it. (much more kissing)
(Much later, somewhere in the
wild blue yonder, Courtney is ‘swordfighting’ with Justin and Jason)
Courtney: You swords are so long
. . . if you know what I mean.
Jason: I could eat you for
second breakfast. (They both jump on top of Courtney)
Aragorn: Jesus! Get a friggin’
room!
Gandalf: Hey, look! Birdies!
Kellie: Cool! (gets out binoculars)
Crebain: I spy, with my beady
eyes . . . a fellowship!
Gandalf: Oh, he’s good. Let’s
play again.
(Even
later, on Caradhras . . .)
Jenna: Look at me! I can nance
around on the snow!
Aragorn: Great. Why don’t YOU
carry Frodo?
Jenna: (makes a face)
Hobbits are not good fashion accessories. Now, that pendant . . .
Kellie: Hey guys, let’s take the
Moria exit. My cousin Balin will give us a royal
welcome.
Gandalf: No!
Kellie: Yes!
Gandalf: No! Chewy, you choose.
Chewy: Well, the snow does
nothing good for my hair. Let’s go to Moria.
(They go to Moria. Chewy’s
hair immediately puffs out.)
Brian: Thank god!
Kellie: Hey, look, my relatives
are dead!
Justin: Figures. They SO need a
better interior decorator.
Kellie: Hey, these stone pillars
were ordered right out of Elle Decoration!
Justin: Funny. COSMOhobbit!
says they’re SO last Age.
Jason: Baaaaaaah. (throws stone down well) No! My lucky rock!
Kellie: Ha ha.
Orcs: Mmmmm, fellowship! Yummy!
Troll: Yum! I had Bill the Pony
for breakfast!
Jenna: How dare you! (kills him)
Chewy: Hey! I want attention!
I’ve been stabbed here!
Aragorn: You have an arrow in
your hair. Get over it.
Chewy: (pulling on it) It got stuck in the gel.
Brian: Look, a bridge! (starts jumping up and down) Wheeeee!
Gandalf: Stop it! You’re too fat
for that! (bridge breaks) Uh-oh.
Brian: Nyah-nyah. (sticks tongue out) Karma!
Chewy: I’ve never wanted you
more!
Gandalf: Augh! Too – disgusting!
Must – jump! (jumps)
Aragorn: Way to go, suckers.
(In Lothlorien)
Haldir: Ew,
dwarf! Have a breath-mint!
Aragorn: How are ya, buddy ol’
pal?
Beth: (enters) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight . . . huh!
Where’s ol’ Gandy?
Chewy: (nervously) He . .
. fell.
Courtney: He jumped. Damn
suicidal types.
Brian: Hey Jenna, what’re they
singing?
Jenna: A . . . lament for
Gandalf.
Brian: Really? What do they say?
Jenna: Okay, okay, it’s a dirty
song. They must have read it in PlayElf. Dumb Lorien elves have no
decency. But they do have shiny hair.
Chewy: Hey, Beth! Do you want
this ring? I’m gonna get something nicer for Brian.
Beth: No, thanks. Wanna look in
my sacred pool . . . if you know what I mean?
Chewy: No! I
just said, I’m with Brian!
Beth: I’m with Eye Candy. So
what? They’re both pretty but dumb.
Chewy: Nah, Brian’s just pretty
dumb.
Beth: Oh. Here, lets do shots. (hands him Light
of Earendil)
Chewy: (pockets it) I’m
saving this.
(On the road again . . . )
Kellie: Gandalf! Make Jenna stop
splashing!
Jenna: Heeheehee. My Elven hair
is always perfect!
Kellie: I don’t care about my
hair.
Courtney: Obviously.
Jenna: I wouldn’t talk. You’re
obviously a fake blond.
Aragorn: Yeah, I’ve met your
brother Harold. He’s a brunette. So is your dad.
Courtney: Hmph. Look! Orcs! (everyone but Chewy runs off) Gimme the
Class Ring, punk.
Chewy: AUGHHHHHHH! No!
Courtney: Fine then. (sees Justin and Jason) Hey, boys!
Orcs: (snarl) You said you loved us!
Jason: We do!
Orcs: Then who’s that? (shoot Courtney)
Courtney: Alas!
Justin and Jason: Wasn’t me! (run off with orcs)
Aragorn: (runs up)
Courtney! Dude, you’re dying!
Courtney: I would have followed
you, my brother, my captain, my King!
Me: (runs in) You little tramp! (kills her)
Ha! You won’t get him now!
Aragorn: Hi sweetie. (goes to kiss her, she disappears, accidentally kisses
Courtney) Ewwww! Contamination!
Jenna: We must purify him! (dumps him in the river) Ta da!
Kellie: Lets
go hunt some Orc!
Aragorn: (rolls eyes)
Yes, Courtney would want us to avenge her precious hobbits.
(Chewy is sailing away)
Chewy: Sailing, sailing, over
the bounding main!
Brian: Wait up!
Chewy: I’m sorry, Bri. But it’s
over!
Brian: You can’t mean that!
Nooooooo! (dives in)
Chewy: Oh, for heaven’s sake!
C’mon! (pulls him into boat)