Text Box: A/N: I am not making fun of God. The commandments were just in a good form that everyone knows. I am making fun of LotR. I don’t want flames from angry Christians, please. Or any other religion that feels left out. A/N: For those of you who are incredibly stupid, the bolded lines are the Commandments. Disclaimer: Let’s guess who owns these characters. Hmm? Anyone? That’s right, Tolkien! Tolkien’s Commandments One day, Estel and Legolas were walking along (before the Fellowship) and talking. Aragorn started to say something, but was cut off by a great booming voice. It said, “Thou shalt not follow any plot line but mine.” Legolas whimpered, “Elves have very delicate ears. We can hear you without shouting!” Estel was looking around for the voice. Finally he looked up and his mouth dropped wide open. The voice said, “Thou shalt not worship any authoresses who don’t write as well as me.” Legolas screamed, but Estel, not even noticing, poked Legolas and pointed up. Legolas looked up and his mouth also dropped wide open. For a good reason. There was a giant head in the sky, à la God in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The voice boomed again. “Thou shalt not mispronounce each others’ names. I gave you appendices for a good reason.” Legolas frowned. Appendices? What the heck was this wacko talking about? Nobody puts their names in appendices. You tell them to people. Then they know how to pronounce them. The voice again: “Remember that thou art all mine. Copyrighted.” Estel turned indignantly to Legolas. “We’re his!? Who does he think he is? You can’t own someone. No slavery!” The voice said, “Respect thy personalities, and thou shalt not be tempted by Mary-Sues.” Legolas asked Estel, “What are Mary-Sues? New weapons?” Estel replied, “No idea. This guy is a wacko.” “Thou shalt not act OOC, no matter what the authoresses write.” Legolas wailed, “I’m CONFUSED!!” Estel muttered, “Authoresses? OOC? What the hell-” but was cut off by the voice. “Be faithful to thy homosexuality.” Legolas and Estel turned to each other and said, at the same time, “We are NOT homosexuals!” They both turned to scream at the man in the sky, but he cut them off as if he hadn’t even heard them. “Thou shalt not steal thy neighbors’ elves unless thou art truly desperate.” “Whoa…” said Estel. Legolas laughed and said, “I hope you weren’t thnking of ’borrowing’ me.” Estel vehemently shook his head. The voice came again. “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s hobbit unless all three of you are consenting adults.” “That’s just dirty. And sick.” said Estel, shaking his head. “And perverted,” added Legolas. “Ew,” said Estel, shuddering. “Besides, there aren’t any hobbits anywhere near us,” said Legolas. Estel gave him a strange look, but the voice interrupted again. “Thou shalt not lie about thy affairs. This adds spice to the plot.” “What the hell?” they said simultaneously. The man in the sky looked around and smiled. He disappeared, the clouds closing over the spot he had been. Estel stared upwards, then returned his gaze to Legolas. All of a sudden he was very attracted to Legolas. Legolas looked at him. How had he not noticed how hott Estel was? All of a sudden some hobbits appeared out of nowhere. And an elf from next door. That was all it took for the unnecessary sex to begin. It was very interesting watching them try to explain it away without lying to the people who found them in the middle of a huge orgy in the middle of the courtyard a little while later. Back to Fan Fiction

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