Act 2: The Two Trousers
(Chewy and Bri are hangin’
around Amon Hen)
Chewy: I’m hungry.
Brian: That’s not my problem.
Chewy: The Class Ring is heavy.
Brian: You should have ordered a
smaller one.
Chewy: I’m gonna hook up with
that slimy gray thing that’s stalking me.
Brian: WHAT?!?!? NOOOOOO!
Gollum: Oh yesssss my
precioussss my love.
Brian: Why doesn’t he use
commas?
Gollum: Commassssss are bad yes
they are precious.
Brian: He also seems to have a
sycophant problem.
Gollum: Yessssssss
precioussssss.
Chewy: Show us the way to
Mordor!
Gollum: What’s in it for me?
Chewy: Bri will sleep with you.
Brian: Hey!
(On the
plains of the Riddermark . . .)
Aragorn: Orcs! Orcs! Where are
you?
Jenna: The game’s over! Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Kellie: (huffing and puffing)
This – is – why – dwarves – don’t – run – track!
Jenna: Wheee! I’m fast like the
Kellie: What’s that?
Jenna: My special Elven
mother-of-pearl HAIR CLIP!
Aragorn: Shut up! We need to
find Jason and Justin!
(In the fair city of
Homa: Thoedred, Theodred! Noooo!
Don’t go into the light!
Theodred: Shut up. (dies)
Homa: Hey uncle, your son is
dead. Can I have his DVDs?
Theoden: Sure, sure.
Bob: (skulking and leering)
You’re purty.
Homa: (does Twizzler thing)
Take that!
Bob: AUGHHH! (runs away to skulk elsewhere)
Eomer: Don’t
you make no eyes at my sister!
Bob: Ha ha! Bye-bye!
Homa: (goes outside) Yay!
My dress is blowing in the wind! God, I love this hobby!
(Jason and Justin are riding
piggyback on the Orcs)
Jason: Wheeee! Faster, horsey,
faster!
Justin: Nooooooo! I dropped my
pretty brooch!
Orc #6: Shut up, dinner!
Justin: Who you callin’ dinner,
punk?
Orc #6: Yoo!
Justin: Oh yeah? Oh yeah?
Orc #6: Oh yeah! Bring it,
brother!
Justin: Gah! I’m getting’ outa
here!
Jason: Me too! (they run off)
(The next morning . . .)
Aragorn: Eomer! Dude!
Eomer: Dude! Who the hell are
you?
Aragorn: Many names have I been
called. Stupid, loser, idiot, old man, freak, wannabe, poser . . .
Eomer: Dude! You’re such a
wingfoot!
Aragorn: Hey, there’s another
one!
Jenna: Seen any hobbits lately?
Eomer: Nah. Seen
Orcs though.
Aragorn: Thanks, dude.
(They ride over to a pile of
Orcs)
Kellie: Looks like somebody’s
brothel went wrong.
Jenna: (holds up a leather
whip) Hey, wasn’t this Jason’s?
Aragorn: Yeah! He used it on
Courtney! (shudders)
Jenna: Alas! Well, not really,
Aragorn: Dammit! I see a hobbit
track going into the woods!
Kellie: I wonder who they went
to snog in Fangorn. Yuck.
(They go into Fangorn)
Jenna: Hey, look! Whiteness!
Aragorn: Augh! It’s the White
Wizard!
Gandalf: No, it’s me, you twit!
Kellie: (shudders) You’re – you’re CLEAN. And SPARKLY.
Gandalf: (proudly) I’m
the new poster-boy for Mr. Clean.
Aragorn: What about those
hobbits?
Gandalf: Oh – they ran off with
a tree.
Jenna: They’re ALWAYS running
off with someone. Courtney would be most displeased. (thinking)
So they were with Courtney – then she died. Then they ran off with the Orcs –
and THEY died. And now they’ve run off with a tree . . .
Aragorn: Augh, shut up.
Gandalf: You’re right. Let’s go
to Edoras.
(They are riding to Edoras.
Homa is standing on the overlook, her dress blowing in the wind)
Homa: My gleeful hobby strikes
again!
Gandalf: Hey! We’re here to see
Theoden!
Guard #8: No!
Gandalf: Yes!
Guard #8: Fine, but you gotta go
through a metal detector.
Aragorn: Darn! (hands over sword)
Gandalf: Heehee. My staff isn’t
metal.
Bob: Why have you come? They are
enemies, my King!
Gandalf: Oh yeah? Take this! (starts doing a jig)
Bob: Aughhhhhhhh! Noooooooo!
Theoden: Aughhhhhh! (starts to convulse)
Homa: Hey, cut it out! (Aragorn
hold her back) Mmmmmmm! Yummy!
Me: (appears again and
tackles her) Hands off, bitch! He’s mine! (disappears)
Theoden: (wakes up) Hey
guys. What’d I miss?
Gandalf: Your son is dead.
Theoden: Oh. Can I have his
DVDs?
Homa: No! They’re mine!
Theoden: Aw, man. I musta been
dead drunk when I agreed to that.
TBC!!!