| The Pains of Sleep |
| Ere on my bed my limbs I lay... Duo tossed himself down on the thin mattress, rubbing his tired eyes and trying not to remember times past. Father Maxwell's sturdy gaze burned behind his lids, so he stared resolutely at the ceiling, attempting not to blink. It hath not been my use to pray With moving lips or bended knees; He wished at least that Heero could be with him. Cold and unfriendly as he might seem, the stoic pilot's cobalt eyes held a special warmth for him; some kind of understanding that made his fear and guilt melt away. But silently, by slow degrees, My spirits I to Love compose, In humble trust mine eyelids close It was a feeling Duo hadn't had since he'd last stood in that church he'd loved so much...the chestnut-haired boy swallowed, pushing back the painful memories that always chased away the good ones. Heero made him feel safe in a way even Solo had never been able to match. His love was undemanding, and just his presence exuded comfort and blissful escape from the harsh reality of war. With reverential resignation, No wish conceived, no thought expressed, Only a sense of supplication; Heero was his buffer; he provided an outlet for Duo's pent-up energy and emotions while protecting him from the hell their lives had become. Duo allowed his eyes to close finally, remembering with crystal clarity the Perfect Soldier's offer of friendship. The boy had come to him after a difficult battle one day, sweat and blood somehow not marring his flawless features, and placed one hand on Duo's shoulder. Marvelling at the gentleness in that touch from a grip that could bend steel, Duo almost didn't hear Heero's words. "Don't give up," the pilot said to him. "Please." A sense o'er all my soul impressed That I am weak, yet not unblest, Since in me, round me, everywhere Eternal Strength and Wisdom are. Then he had enfolded Duo in his slim arms and let him cry. Since that day, they had never been far apart. The nightmare of the world receded for the two boys. Duo went to sleep each night with Heero's protective arms around him, and his dreams were untroubled. Until the inevitable happened, and they'd been called away on separate missions. But yesternight I prayed aloud In anguish and in agony, Up-starting from the fiendish crowd Of shapes and thoughts that tortured me: The dream had started innocently enough. Duo was flying, long hair unbound, through the night sky. He felt excited, eager, like he did just before going into battle. Soon enough, along the ground, he spotted his targets. They were already under siege by his comrades--not the other Gundam pilots, but familiar nonetheless. As he drew closer, he saw people running everywhere, shrieking. There were children.... A lurid light, a trampling throng, Sense of intolerable wrong, And whom I scorned, those only strong! Without a second thought, Duo dived into the fray, scythe gleaming cold and cruel in his bare hands. A fire burned in the pit of his stomach, driving him on as he swung the blade into the first of his victims. Warm blood splattered onto his naked flesh, filling him with glee and nausea simultaneously. He felt a tightening in his loins as he experienced true battle-lust. A severed head fell from his scythe, the eyes maddeningly innocent. Angry, confused, and frightened, Duo cut on. Thirst of revenge, the powerless will Still baffled, and yet burning still! Desire with loathing strangely mixed On wild or hateful objects fixed. Fantastic passions! maddening brawl! --A child's scream was silenced by Shinigami's cold blade-- And shame and terror over all! Then Duo was a child himself again, hiding in the street while those about him died--all the people he knew and cared about. Quatre, Trowa, Wufei--even Heero, and while he felt sharp steel slice into his flesh and looked into his own violet eyes, he knew it was his fault. He had caused this terror. He was Shinigami, and all those he touched found their death. Deeds to be hid which were not hid, Which all confused I could not know Whether I suffered, or I did: For all seemed guilt, remorse or woe, My own or others still the same Life-stifling fear, soul-stifling shame. Awakened with a start, Duo had found himself in a cold sweat. A few moments passed, and the terror subsided, leaving the young pilot empty, torn, and guilt-stricken. So two nights passed: the night's dismay Saddened and stunned the coming day. His mission complete, Duo found himself hiding alone in an abandoned shack deep in the woods. One of the other pilots would be retrieving him soon, he knew. He just hoped with all his heart it would be Heero. The intensity of the nightmares increased every night spent away from his savior, and only Heero could take away his pain. The third night, when my own loud scream Had waked me from the fiendish dream, O'ercome with sufferings strange and wild, I wept as I had been a child; Tears streaming down his face, Duo clambered shakily from the bed and knelt on the cold wooden floor. In desperation, he mentally summoned an image of Heero, sitting on the bed above, disshelved hair falling in his eyes. "I understand, Duo," he would say. "I know what it is to kill an innocent. But we must continue on in order to save thousands more from dying. Don't give up." And having thus by tears subdued My anguish to a milder mood, Such punishments, I said, were due To nature's deepliest stained with sin, For aye entempesting anew The unfathomable hell within, The horror of their deeds to view, To know and loath, yet wish and do! Such griefs with such men well agree, But wherefore, wherefore fall on me? The braided boy felt tears well up in his amaryllis eyes once more. Without Heero's loving gaze to back up the words, he couldn't quite convince himself of his own innocence. Duo started to rise--and was stopped with a firm hand on his shoulder. "Have you been crying again?" a husky voice asked. Relief flooded Duo's face, and his tears now flowed in earnest. "Heero...." The other boy knelt beside him, embracing him gently. He knew the meaning of the tears; it was always the same. "Don't give in, Duo," he said. "You can't. Aishiteiru." Feeling in those whispered words the absolution he so desperately needed, Duo drifted into a dreamless slumber. He was safe now, from himself. He was whole. To be beloved is all I need, And whom I love, I love indeed. --owarii |
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