Declaration of Independence

��When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one of good lingual conscience to throw off the shackles of such a horrid system of communication as the language known by its adherents as �English,� that one must provide ample reason for such an extreme action as has been previously detailed.

��We hold these truths to be self-evident, that languages are designed to clearly communicate ideas and abide by the rules established at their institution. That any language that refuses to acquiesce to this standard can be overthrown, and a proper language set up in its place. Good reason would show that long-standing languages should not be overthrown on a whim, but this English monster has shown itself not only to be unresponsive to these rules and laws laid out from the beginning of time, but to be destructive of itself and its supporters. To prove this, let the world be exposed facts that have heretofore been concealed by the language�s facilitators and partisans.

It has knowingly ignored any semblance of reliable rules regarding accenting and pronunciation.
It has required the use of letters such as the �C� and �X,� even while rendering that use redundant and illogical.
It has taken upon itself the duty of editing itself where the previous edition was more accurate and reasonable.
It has deformed all words of common usage so that an average conversation can occur in which no regular verbs conjugations are used.
For encouraging multiple pronunciations of words with a single spelling.
For prohibiting the use of prepositions at the end of sentences.
For articulating to word "dough" so dissimilarly than the words "tough" and "rough."
For creating and celebrating disunity in the language betwixt the different nations in which it is commonly spoken.
For including in the vocabulary of said language words of such uselessness as �did,� �are,� and �had.�
For having the guile to call the aforementioned words �helping verbs.�
It has required words such as "raze," "rays," and "raise" to be pronounced equally.
It has subjected the citizens of the entire world to its heinous precepts and regulations.
It has maliciously set out to confuse its followers with rules that require pauses to be made at all commas but that disallow commas to be put at all pauses.
It has brainwashed its teachers into trying to uphold its so-called �rules� while still praising the great authors, none of which actually follow such rules.

��In every stage of these oppressions we have tried to peacefully secure a reliable and respectable communication system. We have petitioned innumerable times for spelling and grammar reforms, to no avail. The leaders of said language have repeatedly ignored previous entreaties, and we feel it is now acceptable to separate ourselves of this union and take for ourselves a new language.

��We, therefore, the representatives for the discontinuation of the English language, do hereby declare ourselves free from the fetters of tyranny and take upon ourselves any such language as we find necessary to provide for us insofar as our needs for communication takes us, except French, the oppression of which is equal to, if not worse than, the oppression we have just freed ourselves of.

[revised 05.14.02]

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