The following are selected quotations from the television series "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (BtVS). They belong to Joss Whedon or his production company, Mutant Enemy, Inc. They are reproduced here in the sincere conviction that, one day, every educated person will be expected to memorize lines from BtVS, just as the educated of earlier generations were expected to have memorized lines from Shakespeare or "Fire Sign Theater." (I kid about the latter, although that has happened in some circles.) Notice: Not only have I not cited the episode and act from which each line or dialogue is taken, but, by and large, the quotations below have not been checked for errors. In one instance, I have found that I had three different versions of the same quotation, and all three were wrong! (That one, at least, is accurate now.) However, I believe the following to be a fair approximation of the dialogue to be found on BtVS, and that it well represents the genius of Joss Whedon.

The Wit and Wisdom of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

[A spell goes awry, leaving everyone with amnesia.]
Giles: We'll get our memories back, and it will all be right as rain.
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy boy accent. You Englishmen are always so� Bloody hell! Sodding, blimey, shaggin', knickers, bollocks�Oh, God, I'm English!
Giles: Welcome to the nancy boy tribe.

Spike: Oh, poor watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cup o' tea, cup o' tea, almost got shagged, cup o' tea.

Giles: Spike, if I want your opinion I'll... I'll never want your opinion!

Giles: Might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence, even.

Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes. That's why one slays them.

Giles: If your identity as the Slayer is revealed, it can put you and those around you in grave danger.
Buffy: Ok, then. I won't wear my button that says, �I'm the Slayer. Ask Me How!�

Giles: I was ten, when my father told me I was destined to be a watcher. He was one, and his mother before him. I was to be next.
Buffy: Were you thrilled beyond all measure?
Giles: No. I had very definite plans about my future. I was to be a fighter pilot or a grocer.

Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life was like, "Uh oh, pop quiz." Today, it's �Rain of toads.�

Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know.

Xander: My valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.

Willow: When I'm with a boy I can't say anything cool, or witty�or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.

Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good.

Willow: It's like this dream I had about Xander [suddenly realizing she has revealed too much]� except that it wasn't about Xander. It was about someone else. And it wasn't even me. It was a friend of mine, and she doesn't remember it.

Xander: I cannot stress enough how much I don't have plans.

Buffy: I didn't jump to conclusions. I took a small step, and conclusions there were.

Xander: We're right behind you, only further back.

Buffy: I think I speak for everyone here when I say, "huh?"

Xander: It's time for me to act like a man�and hide.

Buffy: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinse-y.

Xander: A black eye heals, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life.

Buffy: Oh, no. I have to go take an English make-up exam. They give you credit just for speaking it, right?

Xander: And we thought just because we didn't have any money or any place to go, that this would be a lackluster evening.
Willow: I know! We could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own teabags and ask for hot water.
Xander: Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail.

Giles: We have to talk.
Buffy: I don't suppose this is about happy squirrels?
Giles: Vampires.
Buffy: That was my next guess.

Xander: I guess it's time for a little reconnaissance.
Buffy: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
Xander: That was the Renaissance.

Xander: Being popular isn't so great. Or so I've read in books.

Xander: Every school has 'em. See, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards, and some mean kids.

Buffy: Mr. Flutie�
Principal Flutie: All the students here are free to call me Bob.
Buffy: Bob....
Principal Flutie: But they don't.

Principal Snyder: It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten.

Principal Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: Students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed, and also smoking.

Principal Snyder: That Summers girl. I smell trouble. I smell expulsion and just the faintest whiff of jail.

Buffy: I don't want any trouble. I want a life, a house, and a tea cozy�I don't even know what one is, but I want one.

Principal Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually, that would be one of the five.

Principal Snyder: A lot of educators tell students, "Think of your principal as your pal." I say, think of me as your judge, jury and executioner.

Buffy: We knocked 'em dead.
Xander: Which they already were.

Buffy: Add it up, it all spells, "Duh."

Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.

Giles: All right. I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century, and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: OK, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.

Xander: Danger? I laugh in the face of danger�then I hide until it goes away.

Xander: It is a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug a phone.

Buffy: How long do you think that he can stay angry at me, anyway?
Willow: The emotional marathon man?

Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?

Xander: I think the student exchange program is cool. It's a beautiful melding of two cultures.
Buffy: Have you ever done an exchange program?
Xander: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?

Giles: But this is why I think we should all keep a level head in this.
Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one that things would roll off of.

Giles: You should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance where I am clearly right, and you are clearly wrong.

Xander: I don't get your crazy filing system!
Giles: It's called the alphabet.
Xander: Would ya look at that!

Willow (on telephone): I just talked to Buffy, and yeah, I think she's feeling a little insane. No, not bitchy crazy. More like homicidal-maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, OK?

Xander: And they say that young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but I've learned to be afraid.

Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
Xander: Yeah, I'm irrational that way.

Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared�not good.

Buffy: You need a personality, stat.

Xander: So, how goes the slaying?
Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
Buffy: Pretty standard vampire staking. Oh, but I met a nun, and she let me try on her wimple.
Xander: OK, now we're back to frightening.

Xander: Hi, for those of you who just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person.

Cordelia (to Willow): Excuse me. Who gave you permission to exist?

Cordelia (Seeing Willow dressed as an Eskimo at a costume party): Near faux pas. I almost wore the same thing.

Buffy (to Willow): Cordelia�s been very nice�to me, anyway.

Cordelia (Finding Buffy with Willow and Xander): Sorry to interrupt your downward mobility.

Xander: I'd give anything to be able to turn invisible. I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, I�d use my powers to protect the girls' locker room.

Cordelia: Gee, Xander, what are you gonna teach when you fail in life? Advanced loser-being?

Xander: Does anyone remember when Saturday night meant date night?
Cordelia: You sure don't.

Xander: There's a total explanation for this.
Cordelia: Yeah, you're a pervert!

Cordelia: People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike? It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg. Like my pain meant nothing!

Cordelia: Nobody told me I was supposed to bring a gift. I was out of the loop on gifts.
Giles: It's traditional among... um... people.

Cordelia: Why are these terrible things always happening to me?

Xander: Karma?

Cordelia: What does this do?
Giles: It� uh� extracts vital organs to replenish its own mutating cells. Cordelia: Wow! What does this one do?
Giles: Um, it elongates its mouth to engulf its victim's head with its incisors.
Cordelia: Ouch. Wait, what does this one do?
Giles: It asks endless questions of those with whom it's supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done.
Cordelia: Boy, there's a demon for everything.

Buffy (to Cordelia): Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

Cordelia (praying): And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless, they really deserve it or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible�.

Cordelia: Great, now I'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day.

Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open. Sound is coming from it. This is never good.

Cordelia: You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?

Cordelia: So, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Cordelia: Mom started borrowing my clothes. There should be an age limit on Lycra pants. And Dad, he just locked himself in the bathroom with old copies of "Esquire."

Cordelia: We came here to do the thing I can never tell my father about, because he still thinks I'm a good girl.

Cordelia: I do well on standardized tests. What? I can't have layers?

Buffy: I wasn't going to use violence. I don't always use violence, do I?
Xander: The important thing is, YOU believe that.

Buffy: What part of punching you in the face did you not understand?

Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way or... Well, actually, there's just the hard way.
Darla: That's fine with me.
Buffy: Are you sure? Now this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content.

Darla: You know what's really sad?
Buffy: Bad hair on top of that outfit?

[After knocking Giles unconscious]
Buffy: When he wakes up, tell him... I don't know. Make something cool up. Tell him I said it.

Xander: How could you let her go?
Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not "let" her go.

Cordelia (to Giles): You know, one of these days you're going to wake up in a coma.

Giles: They came after me, but I was more than a match for them.
Buffy: Meaning?
Giles: I hid.

Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah, does it ever get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles: Yes. It's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everyone lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.

Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?
Giles: We few, we happy few...
Spike: ...we band of buggered.

Angel: Why are you riding me?
Buffy: Because I don't trust you. You're a vampire. Or is that an offensive term? Should I say, "undead American"?

Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that.
Angel: No, I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck.
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.

Willow: So he is a good vampire? I mean on a scale of one to ten. Ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night. One being someone who's not.

Xander: Angel's our friend, except I don't like him.

Angel: Looking in the mirror every day and seeing nothing there�it's an overrated pleasure.

Willow: How do you shave?

Angel: What's the plan?
Buffy (holding up a stake): Don't fall on this.

Buffy: You read my diary? That is not OK! A diary is like a person's most private possession. You don't even know what I was writing about. �Hunk� can mean a lot of things�bad things. And�and when I said, �his eyes were penetrating,� I meant, �bulging.�
Angel: Buffy�
Buffy: "A" doesn't even stand for "Angel," for that matter. It stands for "Achmed," a charming foreign exchange student. And that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you, at all....
Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched her from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear.
Buffy: Oh.

Willow: You two are so right for each other. Except for the, uh�
Buffy: Vampire thing.

Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: OK, then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Willow: So, you feeling better about Angel?
Buffy: Well we talked, then he ripped out the heart of a demon and fed it to me, and then we talked some more.
Willow: See? That's how it should work.

Buffy: My boyfriend had a bicentennial.

Willow: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: Yeah. What's a "bitca," anyway?

Willow: Buffy's looking at Parker, who, it turns out, has a reflection; so big plus there!

Xander: He's, like, 10 years older than you, right?
Willow: Which is, like, 100 years younger than your type!
Buffy: Yay! Someone who doesn't remember the Industrial Revolution.

Xander: Oh, look, Demons! Don't see those everyday�unless you're us.

Xander: Who's a little fear demon? Come on. Who's a fear demon?
Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
Giles: No, it's just tacky.

The Wit & Wisdom of Daniel �Oz� Osbourne

Xander: You're considered somewhat cool.
Oz: I am?
Xander: Is it because you always tend to express yourself in short, non-committal sentences?
Oz: Could be.

Xander: Is it hard to play guitar?
Oz: Not the way I play it.

Larry: I would love to get me some of that Buffy and Willow action, if you know what I mean.
Oz: That's great, Larry. You�ve really mastered the single entendre.

Oz: I can see why you would be upset. Oh, that was my sarcastic voice.
Xander: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Oz: I've been told that.

Buffy: Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class.
Oz: Which could also be construed as �the brain thing.�

Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night, and I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
Willow: Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say, yes.
Oz: Yeah, it helps. It creates a comfort zone. Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
Willow: Oh! I can't!
Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.

Xander: Yep, vampires are real. A lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow 'll fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.

Principal Snyder: You will sell [candy] to raise money for the marching band. They need new uniforms.
Xander: Yeah. Those tall, fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh?
Oz: But they go with everything.

Buffy: We have a marching jazz band?
Oz: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats. Scary.

Angel: Why don't I believe him?
Oz: Well, he lacks credibility.

[On Willow�s concussion]
Willow: My head� it feels big. Is it big?
Oz: No, it's head size.

Oz: Looks dead, smells dead, yet it's moving around. That's interesting.

Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.
Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.

[Buffy takes out her frustration on a park bench.]
Oz: On the plus side, you killed the bench, which was looking shifty.

Oz: Guys, take a moment to deal with this. We survived.
Buffy: It was a hell of a battle.
Oz: Not the battle. High School.

Oz: So, do you steal weapons from the Army often?
Willow: Well, we don't get cable, so we have to make our own fun.

Willow: Oz is a werewolf.
Buffy: It's a long story.
Oz: Got bit.
Buffy: But obviously not that long.

Giles: Clearly we're looking for a depraved, sadistic animal.
Oz: Present.

Giles: You hunt werewolves for sport?
Cain: No, I'm in it purely for the money.

Cain: First they tell me I can't hunt an elephant for its ivory. Now I've got to deal with People for the Ethical Treatment of Werewolves?

Xander: We're in the Crime Club, which is kind of like the Chess Club. Only with Crime. And no Chess.

Giles: I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming the text.

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake through the heart, no muss, no fuss.
Buffy: Slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Xander: Obviously, you're not dating Cordelia.

Willow: I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah�1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow!
Willow: Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a "meow" before.

Xander: When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?
Buffy: I'm sorry, but never.

Cordelia: Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is.

Buffy: Do you really love Xander?
Cordelia: Well, he kinda grows on you, like a Chia Pet.

Xander: But you know what really bugs me? OK, we were kissing. It was a mistake, but I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.
Willow: Darn tootin'.
Xander: And they burst in rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.

Cordelia: I wish that Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.
Anya: Done.
Cordelia: That would be cool. No wait, I wish Buffy Summers had never been born.
Anya: Done.
Cordelia: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.
Anya: Done.
Cordelia: In fact, I wish all men, except maybe the dumb and really beautiful kind, disappeared off the face of the Earth. That would be so cool.

Willow: I don't like it. The thought that there's a vampire out there that looks like me.
Xander: Not looks like�is you.
Buffy: It was you, Willow, in every detail. Except for you not being a dominatrix�as far as we know.
Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night. Please!
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh, yeah.

Cordelia: What? Do I have something on my neck?
Vampire Willow: Not yet.

Willow: That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky�and I think I'm kinda gay.

Vampire Xander: Isn't that what they called the Slayer?
Vampire Willow: "Buffy," oooh, scary.
Vampire Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's heart.

Willow: Personal question?
Xander: Yeah, shoot.
Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?
Xander: Willow, how can you? I mean, that's really bent! She was grotesque!
Willow: Still dug her, huh?
Xander: I'm sick. I need help.
Willow: Don't I know it!

Buffy: When the apocalypse comes, beep me.

Giles: Sorry to barge in. We have a slight apocalypse.

Buffy: Do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or�God�even studying! But I have to save the world�again.

Glory: Did anybody order an apocalypse?

Buffy: Any apocalypse I avert without dying�yeah, those are the easy ones.

Riley Finn: When I'm around you, Buffy, I find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.

Buffy: I told you. I said, "End of the world," and you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh."
Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.

Jenny Calendar: You're here again? You kids really dig the library, don't you?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Jenny Calendar: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course, you'll have to kill him.

Giles (Practicing pick up lines): W-w-w-what I'm proposing is, um�and I-I don't mean to appear indecorous�is-is, um, a-a-a-a social engagement, um, a-a-a-a-a date, if you're amenable.

Giles: I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.

Jenny Calendar (to Giles): You have got to read something that was published after 1066.

Giles: Everything's terrible. Total catastrophe.
Buffy: Giles, what's wrong?
Giles: Have you seen the new library? There's nothing but computers! There's not a book to be seen!

Xander: Whoa, Giles has a TV! Everybody, Giles has a TV! He's shallow like us.
Oz: I got to admit, I'm a little disappointed.
Giles: I, ah, uh, uh...
Willow: Well maybe it doesn't work�like a piece of art.

Xander: Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here.

[Xander rescues Giles who has been brainwashed.]
Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head and make me see things I want.
Xander: Then, why would they make you see me?
Giles: Oh, right. Let's go.

Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission he says, �please,� and afterwards I get a cookie.

Vampire: Slayer.
Buffy: Slayee.

Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and women have the babies.

Willow: I'm going to have a hard time explaining this to my dad.
Buffy: You really think this'll bother him?
Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go to Xander's house just to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" every year.
Buffy: Yeah, I see your point.
Willow: Although, it is worthwhile just to see Xander do the Snoopy dance.

Cordelia: This is great. There's an un-killable demon in town, Angel's joined his team, the Slayer's a basket case�I'd say we've hit bottom.
Xander: I have a plan.
Cordelia: Oh, no, here's a lower place.

Angel (as Angelus): You know, I never properly thanked you for sending me to Hell.
Buffy: No.
Angel: I'm wondering� where do I start? A card? Fruit basket? Evisceration?

Angelus: Dear Buffy. Hmmm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?

Angelus: I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been such a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured someone, they didn't even have chainsaws.

Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too couple-y around Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?

Whistler: I'm a demon, technically. But I'm not a bad guy. Not all demons are dedicated to the destruction of all life. Someone has to maintain balance�you know, "Good and evil can't exist without each other, blah blah blah." I'm not like a good fairy or anything. I'm just trying to make it all balance. Do I come off defensive?

Whistler: You know, raiding an Englishman's fridge is like dating a nun. You're never gonna get the good stuff.

Willow: Anya, you're a vengeance demon. Just teleport!
Anya: Well, as it turns out, teleporting isn't a right; it's a privilege. I withdrew a vengeance spell last week, and this is my punishment. I can only teleport for official business. I have to file a flight plan and everything.

Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the power of the wish. I brought ruin upon the heads of unfaithful men. I offered destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe, and now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High as a mortal�a child�and I'm flunking math!

Anya: I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well, gosh, I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch.
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.

Xander: Be still my heart. Oh, wait, it is.

Anya: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.

Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?

Willow (Imitating Anya): I'm Anya. I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services.

Anya: I know how you talk about me behind my back. "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human, and strangely literal."
Willow: OK. No. 'Cause no one talks like that.

Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
Bartender: ID. [Anya glares at him.]ID.
Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Bartender: ID.
Anya: (sigh) Gimme a Coke.

Anya: Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins, twenty years old. Born on the Fourth of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now.

Anya (Singing): Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes,
They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses,
And what's with all the carrots?
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?

Giles: Come down, and we will go about fixing this in a sensible fashion!
Anya: Sensible! You think it's sensible for me to go down into that pit of cotton-top hell, and let them hippity-hop all over my vulnerable flesh?
Giles: Fine, then just stay up there and keep making bunnies! That's a capital plan!
Anya: What capital? I never know what you're talking about. "Loo," "shag," "brolly"... What the hell is all that?
Giles: What? There's no way that you could remember me saying any of those words.
Anya: Oh, bugger off, you brolly.

Giles: Yes, Anya? Apart from your incredibly un-infectious enthusiasm, have you anything else to contribute?

Anya: We drop a piano on her. I mean�it always works for that spooky cartoon character when he beats that nice hunter with the speech impediment.

Xander: Why can't we just once find a bunny-worshipping cult?
Anya: God, thanks for those nightmares!

Anya: Here's something you should know about vengeance demons. We don't ruth with the "sorry." We prefer "Oh, God, please stop hitting me with my own rib bones!"

Anya: You know who else aren't American? French people.

Anya: So this is Angel. He's large and glower-y, isn't he?
Xander: He's evil again.
Angel: I'm not evil again. Why does everyone think that?

Vampire: She's dead to me now�mostly 'cause I killed and ate her.

Vampire: When I kill the Slayer, it will be the greatest event since the Crucifixion, and I should know�I was there.
Spike: Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there, it would've been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.

Big Vampire: Does this sweater make me look fat?
Sunday the Vampire: The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple.

Spike: I did a couple of Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag. Who am I kidding? I love to brag!

Joyce Summers: I love...what you've neglected to do with the place.

Joyce Summers: Buffy, what do you think?
Buffy: Oh, no. Love Doctor Buffy is not in. I'm not qualified to give dating advice. I've had exactly two boyfriends and they both left. Really left�left-town left.

Joyce Summers: Have we met?
Spike: Yeah, we have. You hit me with an axe once. Remember? "Get the hell away from my daughter!"

Spike: What�re you doin', love?
Drusilla: I'm naming the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day.
Drusilla: No, I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion.

Spike: How was your walk, pet.
Drusilla: I met an old man. I didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth.

Spike (to Buffy): Dru bagged a Slayer? She never told me. Good for her�though not from your perspective, I suppose.

Drusilla: We're going to destroy the world, wanna come?

Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: It doesn't say, "Spare me," by any chance?

Drusilla: How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with coffee?

Drusilla: Do you love my insides, the parts you can't see?
Spike: Eyeballs to entrails.

Buffy (Holding Drusilla hostage): Now, let everyone out of here or your girlfriend fits in an ashtray!

[Angelus gives Drusilla a human heart for Valentine�s Day.]
Drusilla: Oh, Angel! It�s still warm!
Angelus: I thought you�d like it. I found it in a quaint little shop girl.

Willow: [Spike] wants me to do a love spell.
Xander: What?
Willow: Drusilla broke up with him.
Xander: Gee, and we had all hoped those crazy kids would make it work.

Joyce Summers: Well, she sounds very unreasonable.
Spike: She is. She's out of her mind! That's what I miss most about her.

Spike: I've been all wrong-headed about this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. If I want Dru back, I just have to be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I should have done in the first place. I'll find her, wherever she is, and tie her up and torture her until she likes me again. Love's a funny thing.

Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home.
Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine. I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, that you got Anya hurt, invited a vampire in, got kidnapped.�

Zombie Boy: I think I'd like Dawn to be my girlfriend.
Buffy: Wrong sister. I'm the one that dates dead guys.

Harmony: Hey, I don't have a pulse. Cool. Can we eat a doctor and get a stethoscope so I can hear my heart not beating?

Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Oh. Can I make him a vampire?
Spike: No. [Pause] Actually, yes. Go on. Do Mel and the kids, too.

Spike: Harm, what are you doing.
Harmony: I'm writing �Spike loves Harmony� on your back.
Spike: Why?
Harmony: I don't know. It's fun. I'm bored. You can write on me.
Spike: I've got to get back to work.
Harmony: You love that tunnel more than me.
Spike: I love syphilis more than you.

Harmony: I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books 'n stuff.
Spike: What? "Evil for Dummies"?

Harmony: At last we meet, Slayer.
Buffy: We've already met, you half-wit.

Harmony: Being a vampire sucks!

Spike (unable to bite Willow): I don't understand. This sort of thing has never happened to me before.
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right when it started. Well, let's try it again�. Damn it!! What's wrong with me?
Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me it doesn't!
Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came here looking for Buffy, and settled. You didn't want to bite me. I just happened to be around.
Spike: Piffle!
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always, "Oh, you're like a sister to me," or "Oh, we're such good friends."
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Willow: This doesn't make you any less scary.
Spike: Don't patronize me; I'm 126 years old!
Willow: You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again?

Spike: Wait, I'm safe! I can't bite anyone! Willow, the other night in your room�tell them what I did!
Willow: You said you were going to kill me and Buffy.
Spike: Yeah, bad�but get to the part where I couldn't bite you.
Willow: It's true. He had trouble... performing.

Spike: I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.

Buffy: Will, how much do you know about the chip?
Willow: Spike's chip? Well, I remember trying to dig up stuff back then, but, you know, turns out when a secret government agency studies vampires and puts chips in their brains that keep them from hurting people, they don't really build web sites.

Harmony: Do you know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? He can't pick flowers!

Spike: I lie awake at night thinking about you.
Buffy: You sleep during the day!

Buffy: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go Home!!
Spike: It's blood! That's what I do!

Buffy: Spike loves me. I'm not joking.
Xander: Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true.

Joyce Summers: Honey, did you lead him on in any way?
Buffy: Uh... I do beat him up a lot. For Spike, that's like third base. Besides, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this thing has been blown way out of proportion, and he's gone back to wanting me dead.
Willow: Here's hoping.

Joyce Summers: You belong in a good old-fashioned college with keg parties and boys. Not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.

Buffy: I killed Angel! Do you even remember that? I would've given up everything I had to be with him. I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life, and I put a sword through his heart because I had to!
Willow: And that all worked out OK.

[Speaking of vampires in mixed company]
Xander: Some of Buffy's "friends" played a funny joke. They took her stuff, and now she wants us to help get it back from her �friends� who sleep all day and have no tans.

Buffy: When you look back at this in the, oh, three seconds it takes to turn to dust, I think you'll find the big mistake was touching my stuff.

Dawn: I like music. I'm very into Britney Spears' early work, before she sold out�so, mostly her finger painting and macaroni art.

Spike: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.
Dawn: Maybe I'm not evil, but I don't think I can be good.
Spike: Well, I'm not good, and I'm OK.

Dawn: I feel safe with you.
Spike: Take that back!

Dawn: Lurk much?
Spike: I wasn't lurking, I was standin' about. It's a totally different vibe.

Spike: Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye, all warm where nothing can eat you?
Dawn: Is that supposed to scare me?
Spike: Little tremble wouldn't hurt.
Dawn: Sorry, it's just that I'm badder than you.
Spike: Are not!
Dawn: Am too. You're standing in the bushes hugging a bent box of chocolates, and I'm....
Spike: What? Sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with your mates?

Buffy: So, Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday.

Buffy: How was school today?
Dawn: The usual. Big square building filled with boredom and despair.
Buffy: Just how I remember it.

Anya (playing a board game): Crap. Look at this. Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children and more cash than I can reasonably manage.
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Ooooh! I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Anya: You've got to plan babies, or they'll run roughshod over your whole existence.

Anya: Anybody else feel that?
Willow: What?
Anya: A cold draft of paralyzing fear?

Anya: Overwhelming? How much more than "whelming" would that be, exactly?

Xander: Jeez. You mean Oz just sent for his stuff and didn't even call her? That's pretty harsh.
Anya: I only wish I had my powers back. I'd liquefy his entrails for her.
Xander: That's sweet.

Xander: Now who's with me?
Spike: I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics; and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once; and I don't fancy a single one of you at all; but�. Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing.

Spike: We're out of Wheat-a-Bix.
Giles: We are out of Wheat-a-Bix because you ate it all�again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Wheat-a-Bix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you�ve just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
Spike: Sissy.

Anya: This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
Xander: OK, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Giles: Please don't.

Giles: I need you to take Spike for a few days.
Xander: What?
Spike: What?
Anya: What?
Spike: I'm not stayin' with him.
Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
Spike: I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away.
Xander: That's not exactly one of my fantasies, either.

Xander: What's taking you so long?
Spike: Give me a second I'm packing.
Xander: Hey! That's my lamp! You can't steal my lamp!
Spike: You're what, shocked and surprised? Do I have to remind you that I am evil?

The Master: You're dead!
Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty�which is more than I can say for you.

The Master: You were destined to die. It was written.
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

Buffy: Mom, the only way you get a new Slayer is if the old Slayer dies.
Joyce Summers: Then that means you... When did you die? You never told me you died.
Buffy: It was just for a few minutes.

Giles: Who are you?
Kendra: I am the Slayer.
Buffy: We got that part, honey. He means your name.
Kendra: My name is Kendra. I have no last name.
Buffy: Can we say, "Stuck in the eighties"?

[Kendra and Buffy slay vampires together.]
Kendra: Two Slayers.
Buffy: No waiting.

Kendra: We have to go back to your Watcher to get orders.
Buffy: I don't take orders. I do things my way.
Kendra: No wonder you died.

Kendra: That's what I've read in the handbook.
Buffy: Handbook? Handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?
Giles: I'm afraid it wouldn't help you much in your situation.
Buffy: What's that supposed to mean?

Wesley: Does everyone know about you?
Buffy: She's a friend.
Cordelia: Let's not exaggerate.

Cordelia: What are you doing Friday night?
Wesley: Uh� I� uh� As always, my sacred duty as a Watcher prevents me from� ah.... Why?
Cordelia: I have a paper to write for English and you're English, so I thought.... (to others) What? Is it so wrong to be getting an insider's perspective? (to Wesley) I study best in a good restaurant. Around eightish? Think it over.
Xander: And on the day the words "flimsy excuse" were redefined, we stood in awe and watched.

Giles: Buffy no longer needs a Watcher.
Cordelia: Well, does Wesley have to leave the country? I mean, you got fired, and you still hang around like a big loser, why can't he?

Cordelia: I demand an explanation.
Xander: For what?
Cordelia: Wesley.
Xander: Uhh� inbreeding?

Xander: I still don't know why we had to come here to look up information on a killer snot-monster.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot-monster from outer space. I did not say that.

Xander: Why don�t you fight him?
Spike: I would, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.

Buffy: What are you doing here, Spike? Five words or less!
Spike (counting on fingers): Out... for... a... walk... bitch.

Dracula: Do you know why you cannot resist?
Buffy: 'Cause you're famous?

Xander: Blackmail is such an ugly word.
Amy: I didn't say "blackmail."
Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up.

Giles: I can�t believe you�re fool enough to do something like this!
Xander: Oh, I�m twice the fool it takes to do something like this.

Xander: "Something weird is going on"? Isn't that our school motto?

Giles: Here comes Buffy. Now remember: discretion is the better part of valor.
Xander: You couldn�t just say, �shh!�?

Giles: Yes, Xander, once again you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form.

Buffy: This'll probably go faster if we split up.
Lily: Can I come with you?
Buffy: OK, where did I lose you on the whole splitting up thing?

Giles: This ring is worn only by members of the Order of Taraka. It's a society of deadly assassins dating back to King Solomon.
Xander: Didn't they beat the Sunnydale Elks in the Adult Bowling Tournament?
Giles: Their credo is to sow discord and to kill the unwary.
Xander: Bowling is a vicious game.

Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.

Buffy: Honey, we have to talk about invitations. Do you want to be "William the Bloody" or just "Spike"? Because either way it will look majorly weird.
Spike: While "Buffy" just adds that touch of elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with "Buffy"?
Giles: A valid question right now!

Anya: I'm thinking about buying something very expensive, maybe an antelope.

Xander: [Mr. Right] can come along any minute.
Buffy: Yeah, and the minute after that, I can terrify him with my alarming strength and remarkable self-involvement.

Buffy: A guide, but no food or water. So it leads me to a sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?
Giles: Buffy, please. It takes more than a week to bleach bones.

Anya: Well, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, whoa, I'm eleven hundred years old. I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans.
Tara: I go online sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad, and it's depressing.

Buffy: See, that's my secret to attracting men. You know, it's simple, really. You slap 'em around a bit, you torture 'em, you make their lives a living hell and, sure, the nice guys, they'll run away. But every now and then you'll come across a real prince of a guy like Spike who gets off on it.

Spike: Oh! So that's all. You just come to pump me for information?
Buffy: What else would I want to pump you for? I really just said that, didn't I?

Anya: We're just kinda thrown by the you-having-sex-with-Spike.
Buffy: The who-whating-how-with-huh?
Anya: OK, that's denial. That comes before anger.
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike! !
Anya: Anger.
Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well muscled...
Buffy: I am not having sex with Spike�but I'm starting to think you are.

Buffy: I'm not exactly quaking in my stylish-yet-affordable boots but there is definitely something unnatural going on here, and that doesn't usually lead to hugs and puppies.

Buffy: Aside from getting rescued, what is it that you do?
Anya: I provide much needed sarcasm.
Xander: Um, that would kinda be my job, actually.

Xander: For what its worth�.
Principal Snyder: It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath, an airborne toxic event.
Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me, and I can only hope that one day I'm in a position to be that honest with you.

Giles: A fourteen-year-old is too old to be babysat, and it's not fair to her.
Buffy: What'd she make you do?
Giles: Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough, and talked about boys.
Buffy: I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my fun-time, Buffy-party night involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window; so if you wanna trade�no wait, I wouldn't give that memory up for anything!

Giles: And you're certain she was a robot?
Buffy: Absolutely.
Tara: Well, she practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass.

Xander: Robots are the strangest people.

Robot-Buffy [Programmed according to Spike�s specifications]: Angel's lame. His hair grows straight up, and he's bloody stupid.

Dawn (Sarcastically): Right. And Spike built a Robot-Buffy to play checkers with.
Tara: It sounded convincing when I thought it up.

Spike: Big fight against evil coming up. The more good guys we've got, the longer we'll all live.
Principal Wood: Is that what you are, a good guy?
Spike: I haven't heard any complaints. Well, I have heard a few complaints over the years, but then I just killed whoever spoke up, and that was pretty much that.
Buffy: He's joking.
Spike: No, I'm not.

Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamed that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.

Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?
Willow: Uh huh.
Buffy: See? I told you... old reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks.
Buffy: What?
Willow: "Old reliable"? Yeah, there's a sexy nickname.
Buffy: I-I didn't mean it as�
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm "old reliable."
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot�
Willow: That's Old Yeller.
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.

Willow: I'm trying to storm off dramatically, and it doesn't work if you follow me.

Willow: So, how did it go?
Xander: On a scale from one to ten? It sucked.

Cordelia: Everything has been taken away because Daddy made a little mistake on his taxes�for the last twelve years.

Wesley: The Council's orders are to concentrate on...
Buffy: Orders? I don't think I'm gonna be taking any more orders. Not from you. Not from them.
Wesley: You can't turn your back on the Council.
Buffy: They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.

Buffy: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it.

Faith: You can't trust guys.
Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.

Faith: Isn't it weird how slaying always makes you hungry and horny?
Buffy: Well, I do sometimes crave a nonfat yogurt afterwards.

Buffy: I went to Angel's last night, and Faith was there. They looked sort of... intimate.
Willow: No way. I know what you're thinking, and no way.
Buffy: You're right. Faith would never do that.
Willow: Faith would totally do that. Faith was built to do that. She's the "do that" girl.
Buffy: Comfort, remember? Comfort here.
Willow: I mean, please. Does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see. Is he breathing?
Buffy: Actually, no.

Faith: Oh, yeah. Give me the speech again, please: "Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
Willow: It's way too late.

[Faith is impersonating Buffy.]
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Faith-as-Buffy: 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it.

Mayor Wilkins: There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that to be factually true.

Mayor Wilkins: I have two words that are going to make all your troubles go away. Miniature. Golf.

Xander: Haven't you heard? The Mayor's going to kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. (Pause) Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
Cordelia: Yeah. Me, too.

Principal Snyder: Congratulations to the class of 1999. You all proved more or less adequate. This is a time of celebration, so sit still and be quiet.

Mayor Wilkins: Graduation doesn't just mean your circumstances change, it means you do. You ascend to a higher level. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing.
Buffy: He's gonna do the entire speech?
Willow: Man, just ascend already.
Buffy: Evil.
Mayor Wilkins: So, as we look back on (begins changing into a demon)...on the events that have brought us to this day we...we must all...AHH!! It has begun. My destiny. A little sooner than I expected. I had this whole section about civic pride, but...I guess we'll just skip to the big finish!

Anya: Will you still make me waffles when we're married?
Xander: No, I'll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them.

Anya [practicing her wedding vows]: I, Anya, promise to cherish you... Ew, no, not cherish. Uh, I promise to have sex with you whenever ... I want, and, uh... pledge to be your friend, and your wife, and your confidant, and your sex poodle...
Tara: Uh, �sex poodle�?
Anya: Yeah, why?
Tara: Um, I'm not sure you should say �sex poodle� in your vows.

Anya: I, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, to honor you, but NOT to obey you, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic, and who do you think you are, a sea captain or something?

Olivia: All the time you used to talk to me about witchcraft and darkness and the like, I just thought you were being pretentious.
Giles: Oh, I was. I was also right.
Olivia: So everything you told me was true?
Giles: Well, no. I wasn't actually one of the original members of Pink Floyd. But the monster stuff, yes.

Devon: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies.
Oz: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords.
Devon: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.

Buffy: Plans? We had plans?
Riley Finn: Well, you said, "Come over tomorrow, and we'll hang." And then I said, "OK." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.

Buffy: How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched �Passions� with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

Xander: I'm still spinning on this whole fairy-tales-are-real thing.
Oz: So what do we do?
Xander: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go trade my cow in for some beans.

Buffy (Noticing a large pile of books): Is this all research or just some kind of stress test for the table?

Anya: I guess you guys could use my help. Willow's not very good with the practical strategizing, except when she's evil.

Evil Willow: Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me you love me?
Xander: Well, I was gonna walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kind of cartoon-y.

Buffy: Xander must've broken the talisman.
Dawn: How do you know there was a talisman?
Buffy: There's always a talisman.

Giles: That's the flora kua alaya. A native of Paraguay, if my botany serves.
Willow: Is there anything you don't know everything about?
Giles: Synchronized swimming. Complete mystery to me.

Dawn: I'm sure there's tons of stuff like this. You know, procedures we can use that don't involve magic spells. Just good, solid detective work. And we can develop a database of tooth impressions and demon skin samples, and I could wear high heels more often.
Buffy: Wow! That was so close to being empowered.

Xander: Poems. Always a sign of pretentious inner turmoil.

Xander: Sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow will get this look�this what-the-hell-do-you-see-in-her look.
Spike: I know that look. A lot of people never really got Dru, you know.
Xander: She was insane.

Buffy: I think we need to get him some fresh blood.
Willow: Do you want me to kill Anya?

[In song]
Xander: Will our lives become too stressful,
If I'm never that successful?
Anya: When I get so worn and wrinkly,
That I look like David Brinkley?

D'Hoffryn (gazing on a frat house massacre): Breathtaking. It's like someone slaughtered an Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.

Xander: Is there something more emphatic than hate? Can I revile the plan?

Adam: I am a kinetically redundant, bio-mechanical demonoid, designed by Maggie Walsh. She called me Adam, and I called her Mother.
Buffy: She pieced you together out of parts of other demons.
Adam: And man, and machine. Which tells me what I am but not who I am.
Dr. Angleman: Adam, Maggie would want you to stand down.
Adam: Yes, but I seem to have a design flaw.
Dr. Angleman: Oh, God.

Adam: Scout's honor.
Spike: You were a Boy Scout?
Adam: Parts of me.

Xander: Spike's working for Adam? After all we've done for... Nah, I can't even pretend to act surprised.

Adam: You failed me.
Spike: Let's not quibble about who failed who.

Jonathan: Wish I'd stayed in Mexico.
Andrew: I didn't like it there. Everyone spoke Mexico-an.

Riley: Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing.

Willow: Nervous?
Xander: No way! I'm full of that good ole kamikaze spirit.
Giles: Xander, just because this is never going to work, there�s no need to be negative.

Dawn: Anchovies, anchovies,
You're so delicious,
I love you more, than
All the other fishes!

Vampire: Oh my God!
Buffy: Oh your God, what?
Vampire: Well, not actually my God because I defy Him and all His works. Does He exist by the way? Is there any word on that?
Buffy: Nothing solid.

Buffy: Are you mad at me?
Riley: No, no. Not at all. I'm planning your death, but in a happy way.

Dawn (to her diary): Willow and Tara are witches, which is so much cooler than being a Slayer. I told my mom once that I wish that they would teach me some of the stuff they do alone together. Then she got all quiet and made me go to my room.

Anya: How 'bout you? Ever play Shiver Me Timbers?
Tara: I'm not really much for the timber.

[About Giles' singing]
Anya: Does he do this often?
Xander: Sure, every time the earth rotates backwards and the sky turns orange.

Xander: Here's your cup of coffee, brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid.
Giles: Thank you. Horrible.
Xander: Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea, anyway?
Giles: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.
Xander: OK, but you�re destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype, here.

Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.
Cordelia: You mean training?
Xander: I stand by my phrase.

Everyone [Singing]: There's nothing we can't face.
Anya: Except for bunnies.

Spike: Buffy's a great mom. She takes good care of her little sis. Like when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it.
Social Worker: I'm sorry, did you say�.
Buffy: Crib! Crib. He said, �crib.� You know kids today and their buggin' street slang!

Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath?

Xander: Once you get back your soul, doesn't that mean you start, like, picking up your own wet towels off the floor?
Willow: No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there.

Buffy: These vampires have been here for a while. They've nested.
Spike: So, what are you saying? They're a couple of poofters?

Xander: Yeah, great knife. Although I think, technically, it may be a sword.
Jack O'Toole: She's called Katie.
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial-killer of you.

Kennedy: What's your story, Willow, I mean, witchcraft? Wow, that sounds New-Age-y.
Willow: No, it's safe to say that what I practice is definitely Old-Age-y.

The First Evil: I'm not a demon, little girl. I'm something you can't conceive. The First Evil. Beyond sin, beyond death. I am the thing darkness fears. You will never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate...
Buffy: All right! I get it! You're evil.

Willow: Last time I tried using magic, The First, it turned it around on me. Got inside. I felt it just surging through me�every fiber of my being�pure, undiluted evil. I could taste it.
Kennedy: How's evil taste?
Willow: A little chalky.

Kennedy: Let's start with the easy stuff. How long have you known... that you were gay?
Willow: Wait! That's easy? What, you just assume that I'm gay? I mean, presume much?
Kennedy: OK, sorry. How long have you enjoyed having sex with women?
Willow: Hey! What? You think you have some sort of special ... lesbi-dar or something?
Kennedy: OK. You know there's a better word for that, right?

Rona: Gotta go with a stake. It's classic. I like the feel of wood in my hand.
Kennedy: Lost me there.

Buffy: You're all gonna die. But you knew that already, 'cause that's the cool reward for being human.

Willow: Maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.
Xander: For 21 hours?
Willow: It's addictive, you know.

Xander: Oh yeah, fall for the old let-me-translate-that-ancient-seal-for-you come-on. Do you know how many times I've used that?

Giles: Um, Anya, while I completely trust you to take care of the inventory and the money, dealing with people requires a certain finesse.
Anya: I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom. I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can distract him with coy smiles and bribe him with money and goods.

Anya/Aud: The rapid reproductive rate of our rabbits...has given me an idea. I can give the excess out to the townspeople, exchanging them not for goods or services, but for goodwill and the sense of accomplishment that stems from selflessly giving of yourself to others.
Olaf: Ha, ha, ha! Sweet Aud! Your logic is insane and happenstance, like that of a troll.

[Buffy becomes temporarily telepathic]
Oz: (Thinking) I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist. (Out loud) Hmm.
Xander: (Thinking) What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me!
Buffy: God, Xander! Is that all you think about?
Xander: Actually.... bye!

Xander: Will hiding in a cabin with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?
Buffy: No.
Xander (to Willow): Told you.

Xander: You're dealing with all of us.
Spike: 'Cept me.
Xander: 'Cept Spike.
Spike: I don't care what happens.

Faith: This town. Walking anywhere after dark is like an extreme sport.

Faith: You're protecting vampires? Are you the bad slayer now? Am I the good slayer now?

Spike: That tension in the air wasn�t all about you. Giles tried to have me killed for Buffy�s own good.
Faith: That makes me feel better about me, worse about him and kinda shaky about you.

Giles: Spike, I have a mission for you.
Spike: Oh, really? 'Cause, you know, sometimes our missions end up with you trying to kill me. I'm not fond of those.

Andrew: Oh, and there's a box full of ointments. I used one of these on a rash once.
Anya: Show me.
Andrew: Well, it's healed up, but it was sort of red and crusty with itchy places.
Anya: Show me the box full of ointments, you little freak.

Andrew: We will not be afraid to protect it with our very lives.
Anya: Yes, we will not be afraid to protect it with his very life.

Anya: I'm scared. I assumed that you'd be scared, and I'd be sarcastic about it!
Andrew: Think of happy things. A lake, candy sticks, bunnies.
Anya (Gritting her teeth, tightening her grasp on her sword): Bunnies! Hoppy, floppy, bunnies!

Dawn: We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.
Xander: All those shops gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys R Us. Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world about them?

Dawn: Do you know that ancient Sumerians do not speak English?
Buffy: They're worse than the French.

Kennedy: We'll just start with what we know, and take it from there.
Xander: Great. So far we know Jack about squat. Let's go from there.

Willow: Via, concursus, tempus, spatium, audi me ut imperio. Screw it! Mighty forces, I suck at Latin, OK? But that's not the issue. I'm the one in charge, and I'm telling you open up, Portal, now!

Other Memorable Speeches & Dialogues

Giles: This world is older than any of you know, and contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons, demons walked the earth; made it their home�their Hell. In time they lost their purchase on this reality, and the way was made for the mortal animals. For Man. What remains of the Old Ones are vestiges: certain magicks, certain creatures.

Mr. Trick: Sunnydale. Town's got quaint. And the people! He called me "sir"-- don't you miss that? Admittedly, not a haven for the brothers. Strictly the Caucasian persuasion in the 'Dale. But you gotta stand up and salute their death rate. I ran a statistical analysis and, Hello, Darkness! Makes D.C. look like Mayberry, and nobody sayin' boo about it. We could fit right in here. Have some fun.

Angelus: Acathla, the demon, came forth to swallow the world. It was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before it could draw breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would be wont to look. Unless of course they're putting up low-rent housing.
Spike: Let me guess, someone pulls out the sword.
Drusilla: Someone worthy.
Spike: The demon wakes up and wackiness ensues.
Drusilla: He will swallow the world.
Angelus: And every living creature on this planet will go to hell. My friends, we're about to make history�end.

Spike: We like to talk big, vampires do: "I'm going to destroy the world!" That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision, with a real passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester Bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?

Buffy: When I killed him, Angel was cured. Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and something went through him, and he was Angel again. He didn't remember anything that he'd done. He just held me. But it was too late, and I had to. So I told him that I loved him and I kissed him and I killed him.

Angel: It told me to kill you. You were in the dream. You know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again.
Buffy: I know what it told you. What does it matter?
Angel: Because I wanted to! Because I want you so badly! I want to take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't care.

Angel: Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.
Buffy: You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this Evil did bring you back, but if it did, it's because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it. Angel, you have the power to do real good, to make amends. But if you die now, then all that you ever were was a monster.

Spike: And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: Is today the day I die? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it. Not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it. Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp, that look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now, you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. Every Slayer has a death wish. Even you. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world: your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies�they all tie you here. But you're just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second�the second�that happens, you know I'll be there. I'll slip in, have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson.

Anya: Are they gonna cut the body open?
Willow: Oh my God! Would you just stop talking? Just shut your mouth. Please.
Anya: What am I doing?
Willow: How can you act like that?
Anya: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? Is that the helpful thing to do?
Xander: Guys...
Willow: The way you behave!
Anya: Nobody will tell me.
Willow: Because it's not OK for you to be asking these things!
Anya: But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's... there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, "Well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever." And she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair. Not ever, and no one will explain to me why.

Whistler: Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we? Helpless puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Jonathan Levinson: Whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history, and we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks and gives you this. It's from all of us, and it has written here: "Buffy Summers, Class Protector."

Giles: I had no idea that children, en masse, could be gracious.

Forrest: This is the burden we bear, brother. We have a gig that would inevitably cause any girl living to think we are cool upon cool. Yet, we must Clark Kent our way through the dating scene, never to use our unfair advantage. Thank God we're pretty.

[�Ken� is a particularly vile demon.]
Buffy: Hey, Ken, want to see my impersonation of Gandhi? [She bludgeons the demon to death.]
Lily: Gandhi?
Buffy: If he was really pissed-off.

Buffy: Oh, why can't you people just leave me alone.
Rupert Giles: Because you are the Slayer. Into each generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One. One born with . . .
Buffy: . . . with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil�blah, blah, blah. I've heard it, okay?

Giles: As long as there have been demons, there has been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One, born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness, to find them where they gather and to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers.
Buffy: He loves saying this part.

Spike: What's this? Sittin' around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot? It's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What? Can't go without your Buffy? Is that it? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them for justice, and for the safety of puppies and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!