09/09/2001

Neelkan's Room, White Tower, Tar Valon

It's fairly early morning. The sun is up, though not a lot of light is
streaking in through the window yet. Neelkan opens the door and comes back
inside the room, trying to be as quiet as possible. Today so far has been
very, very hard on him, but he's going to do his best to get this done. He
left during the night, the sun still down, and snuck out to do all the
things he needed to do. He has a small bundle under his arm, and looks
around the room in the dim light.

Zaidah has had enough heart ache of late. She certainly doesn't needed the
added pang of waking up... to a cold and empty bed. And thankfully... she
doesn't have to. While she may grumble about the other restrictions of
being pregnant... she has no qualms about taking advantage of being to
sleep late. Otherwise, she would already be awake by now and running the
Trainees in circles around the practice yard. She'll take an afternoon
shift or something. She stirs slightly beneath the sheets her hand coming
up to rest beside her head on the pillow, her palm facing up and her
fingers gently curled in their natural, relaxed position. It is not the
hand of a Lady, with its calluses on the pads and knuckles. And the scar
that caresses her left cheek is not something one would expect to find on a
woman of house al'Caar, but the serenity of her expression in sleep... and
the way the sheet gently molds to her naked body... all fit the image. A
gentle smile plays on her lips as she dreams pleasantly of her love.

You know, it's a very, very good that this didn't turn out to be a bad
thing. Neelkan knew the risks when he went out like he did, but he also
felt obligated to do it right away. He smiles a bit as he sees her, but the
pain of his meeting with Denn is still heavy in his expression, making the
smile very soft indeed. He moves across to the bed, pulling off his Gaidin
cloak and tossing it on the foot, then kneels down beside the bed, the
bundle going to the ground. He watches her for a few moments, then reaches
out and takes her hand as he says, "Zai?"

~And even when I dream of you... the sweatest dream would never do. I'd
still miss you baby, and I don't want to miss a thing.~

Zaidah stirs and yawns, trying to move her hand to rub it against her eyes,
only to find that it's being otherwise occupied, and a soft smile spreads
across her face, wrinkling her scar slightly. Now... normally, Zaidah is
-not- a happy person in the morning (especially after copious amounts of
alochol which Neelkan discovered) but this is something she doesn't mind
waking up to. Her eyes slide open and breathes in deeply, the sheet rising
and falling with the rhythm of the motion of her chest, and as it comes
out, it comes out as a soft, happy sigh as she gazes up at him. "Mmmmm,
morning pumpkin." She lifts his hand to her lips, and kisses it softly,
then blinks the sleep from her eyes a bit and notices that he's dressed.
And for an instant panic flicks across her features. He's not leaving is
he? He can't be leaving again! She just got him back for real! No... he
wouldn't do that. She pushes the feeling aside and lets herself trust him.
Because... if she can't trust him... who can she trust?

Neelkan smiles at her, and her nickname for him. He only has to hope that
he's the only person she'll ever call 'pumpkin' again. But he won't think
on that right now. He's not exactly the best person in the world himself.
"Hey." He reaches up with his now free hand and touches her cheek gently.
"Sorry t' wake ya. 're ya feelin' a'right?" There's something in his eyes
that speaks of insecruity, and his smile isn't as much as it normally is,
but that's another issue all together. He's still not fully recovered from
what happened with Denn. In many ways it was more painful than the Arch
where he left Denn...

Zaidah chuckles softly. "Yes. I'm feeling fine." Her tone says he's being
silly and just because she's pregnant doesn't mean she's turned into a
porcelain doll or anything, but she's not mad. He cares how she's doing,
and she's not going to complain about that, as long as he doesn't try to
tell her how to run her life... c.c too much. But she notices the pain in
his eyes and his muted smile and the bells go off in her head so she frowns
softly. "What's wrong?" Did she do something wrong? Has he decided he
doesn't want to be a dad after all? Is he leaving her for another woman?

Neelkan opens his mouth, then shuts it. How is he supposed to tell her he
went to see Denn before the sun was up and ended up telling her something
that no doubt broke her heart. He shakes his head and answers instead,
"Don't worry 'bout it." He pulls his hands back and reaches down to pick up
the bundle. "I.. I went out 'n got somethin' f'r ya. I had t' pound on
dozens a'doors t' find someone willin' t' wake up and get it together f'r
m'." He shakes his head. He's tired from all the walking around too. Not
just from his visits with Denn and Kaomi. "Ya.. ya don't have t' accept it.
I understand if ya just thump m' o'er the head with yer staff f'r even
implyin' 'at ya might... but..." Grrr. He opens the bundle and pulls out a
thick silver choker, the front of it slanted downward in a 'V' where
something is meant to be attached. No doubt she would recognize what it is.

Zaidah is not usually that easily dissuaded but... the choker is rather
distracting. Her brown eyes widen as he pulls it out and for a long time
she just looks back and forth between it and him, it and him, it and him.
Time to sit up. She tucks the sheet under her arms and does so (not that he
hasn't seen all that before but it might be a little... ahem...
distracting). "Neelkan..." her voice is full of awe as she gingerly reaches
out with her fingers to take it and turn it over quietly. This was not...
something she had ever expected. Neither of them seemed like the type to
let themselves be tied down so completely (well... figuratively speaking..
um.. ahem) and she never thought... that she could be so -happy- to receive
something like this. He's actually not the first man to propose to her, but
he's the first one to do it... without her laughing in his face. She looks
up from the piece, up into his eyes and whispers softly, "Why would I thump
you over the head?" She needs a knife for it though, which might be
difficult to get this far from Eharon, but... they'll find a way. "Neelkan
I... I don't know what to say..."

Neelkan is practically holding his breath. No, he never was the type to
want to be tied down. But the Tower has changed him in more ways than one.
Physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. He never cared much
for the Light one way or another before he came here. He could have easily
been turned to the Dark if the right person had gotten their hands on him.
"I.. I know that you probably never wanted to.. but.. I just.. if you're
going to have our child.." He shakes his head. Words. Not always his strong
suit. "Just.. say yes or no. It won't change how I feel either way... I'll
still be with you to raise our kid.." But he'll feel bad if she says no.
His mom will kill him for not marrying the woman he got pregnant. "And I
know you're a Lady now, and I'm not exactly Lady husband material...
but..." He shuts up now, no more rambling.

Zaidah laughs! But she's not laughing at him. Well... she is actually, but
it's because he's cute, not because... well.. we don't need to go into her
past. It was bad. It's over. Words... yes, words more often than not tend
to get in the way. "Shut up and kiss me." She doesn't wait for him to
though, instead she grabs his collar and pulls him to her, taking his mouth
in a passionate expression of her love, and when she comes up for air...
she grins against his lips, and whispers... "Yes." But again, she doesn't
give him time to respond before she's kissing him again.

Neelkan does indeed shut up, and he returns the kiss that he is given,
though there is something causing him to hold back. She's just going to
have to get used to it for a while. He feels so guilty for having to hurt
Denn like he did, but there wasn't much a choice in the matter. He still
cares for Denn, even loves her after a fashion, but Zaidah... He pulls back
after a few moments of the more kissing, and says, "I already talked to the
silver smith to order a sheath for it. I was lucky he even had a collar.
Seems some poor fool had to return one he bought during the love weave
fiasco... But we can wait as long as you want."

Zaidah grins a little. "There's no reason to wa- Wait... there might be. I
should at least write the head of my house to tell him what I'm doing. At
least that way he can send the proper gifts." She let him know in no
uncertain terms that she might belong to the house but that she was going
to do whatever she damn well pleased, and considering she's the bastard
daughter... she wouldn't have been useful to marry off to anyone anyway,
but it's going to be interesting to have people with more Eharoni than
Essenian blood in them... although since she and Neel are both
half-breeds... their children will only be 1/2 Eharoni, but that's a
strange thing to think about at a time like this. "But if he doesn't reply
within a fortnight then I'll assume everything is fine." Isn't that cutting
it a little close? Well... maybe she can have someone Travel her there so
she can talk to him instead. But... something is still wrong. She knows
this as she knows she loves him. The Female Gaidin reaches up to gently
take his chin in her fingertips and looks him in the eye. "Neelkan...
what's wrong?" It's obvious in her eyes that she's concerned.

He doesn't want to say. It's very obvious. Neelkan nods to everything she
says, though he doesn't even consider that he might be marrying into a
noble family at all. He doesn't really care about that. He's not marrying a
noble house, just Zaidah. But of course, she knows something is wrong, and
/that/ is what he doesn't want to talk about. He chews on his lip for a few
moments, then sighs, pulling himself closer to her and wrapping his arms
around her. His eyes close as he pushes his face into her shoulder and
chest. "Denn. I had to tell Denn about us. I don't think she'll ever want
to see me again. I can't really blame her though." He sighs. He can't help
it. He did promise her he would be her Gaidin. And then he had to tell her
he couldn't, then give her the reason why. He broke a promise. That hurts
nearly as much as seeing how bad it hurt her when he said it.

Oh... For a moment Zai's chest tightens and she feels like she's going to
be sick but... it's obvious that... he chose her, but.. the thought of...
it being another way... well... she knows how -she- would have reacted to
that and so she just holds to him tightly, partly for her own comfort and
partly for his. "Neelkan... I'm sorry..." but not -too- sorry. I mean...
she wouldn't want him not to have told her... or not to have anything to
tell. But there is one thing she can do. "Neelkan... I... I've never told
you... how happy and honored I am... that out of all the women in the
Tower" yes, she knows he cares about -lots- of them, and she won't claim
that it doesn't bother her a little but... now that he's given her the
choker... the edge has definately been taken off that sting. "You chose me.
I know I wasn't your first.." and no she doesn't mean sexually. She means,
the first woman to touch his heart, "But... I swear that I'll do everything
in my power to make you happy. I... I love you."

True, Zaidah wasn't the first woman that Neelkan fell for. And even when he
was in love with her, he didn't realize it until much later. Long after she
realized how she felt. He's a little slow when it comes to these things,
and after what happened with Espi he didn't want to venture admiting to
himself, or anyone else, how he felt about any woman. He does laugh a
moment though. "Zai, Zai, Zai... I'm the one who's supposed t' try t' make
ya happy. 'member? Yer gonna have a knife t' drive through my heart if I
e'er displease ya." He's jesting, somewhat. He doesn't /want/ her to kill
him.

Zaidah grins. Of course he doesn't want her to kill him! She doesn't want
to kill him either thankfully. Though like most Eharoni women... she won't
be shy about using that knife. But not to kill him. That's one of the
perqs. She strokes his cheek lightly with her fingertips and giggles.
"Well... I don't know about your -heart- but I'm sure I'll find -some- way
to put it to good use." She winks at him. "And I'm certainly not going to
complain about being made happy... but that's not very difficult." She
kisses him softly, already thinking of plenty of ways to distract him from
feeling guilty. But that's just Zaidah. Did you know you were marrying a
nymphomaniac?

Neelkan laughs. "Just be careful where. I want our kid to have at least one
sibling." He winks lightly, then moves to stand up from where he's been
kneeling and leaning. "Ya'll have t' decide whether ya wanna take m' name
'r keep yer own." He pauses a moment, pondering. Zaidah il'Sharil... He
certainly won't be taking her name, but as far as most people are
concerned, he doesn't even /have/ a last name. All the 'Just Neelkan,
damnit' talk stamped most mention of his true name. "Yer welcome t' keep
yer own though."

At -least- one? @.@ All of a sudden Zaidah is wondering what she's getting
herself into here. You mean she has to go through this -again-? And she's
only just barely started too! The bemused, slightly dumfounded look on her
face kind of makes her look like a dead fish... but a cute, nice smelling
dead fish. Her mouth is just open and her eyes are kind of wide. And
where's he going? Zaidah pouts. "You're leaving? I'm sure the Gaidin will
understand. You have a pregnant fiancee to take care of." She reaches out
to catch his hand and tug him back towards her. She'll have to think about
the name thing. That does have kind of a nice ring to it... but it would
mean giving up her mother's name... but on the other hand she knows what it
means to a child to have a father, and that's part of it.

Neelkan resists being pulled back, but not enough to actually prevent
sitting on the bed. He does however prevent looking below her face, due to
the fact that she's wearing only a sheet. The guilt over Denn is too heavy
in his mind and he doesn't want to do anything out of an emotion other than
love and desire. He went through /that/ in the Arches when he reached out
to Kaomi's shadow in a moment of need. He reaches up and touches her hair.
"'Ey don't know 'at yer m' pregnant fiancee yet, firefly." He teases her
with the nickname he gave her the night they got drunk together. "'n while
ya need t' rest, I need t' get myself back into shape. Ya can come down 'n
watch if ya want."

Zaidah frowns a little. Logically... she should realize why he's not too...
enthused... but she is not a very rational woman. Passionate, emotional (no
matter what she might say to the contrary) but not logical, so of course
she jumps to the conclusion that... for some reason... there's something
wrong with her. Except... the choker... he's not the kind of guy to ask a
woman to marry him... unless he wanted to. Even if he had gotten her
pregnant. Which is probably why she reacts the way she does to his next
words... arching an eyebrow at him. "Watch? You don't expect me to give up
being a Gaidin do you?" Cause... if that's the case then she's going to
find uses for that knife sooner rather than later.

There's a long, long, long moment of silence. Neelkan just looks at her for
a long time. Either he isn't sure how to answer that, or the thought hadn't
even crossed his mind to mention it. Whichever the truth is, he waits a
long moment before trying to form words, "Zai.. I won't ask ya t' stop
bein' a Gaidin. Ya earned it, 'n I'd ne'er want t' take 'at from ya." He
would have beaten the crap out of Raeth (or at least /tried/) if he would
have thrown Zai out of the program when they found out she was a woman.
"But.. yer gonna have t' b' careful 'til the kid is born. Not 'at I don't
trust yer ability, but.. if anythin' happened t' ya 'r the baby..." He
shakes his head. No need to go down that road again. "I.. just don't want
ya goin' on any battles 'r workin' t' hard, a'right? At least til the
baby's born."

He's right... damn it. She hates it but he's right. But she's not going to
admit that right now. Instead she slides from the bed, wrapping the sheet
around her. "I'm not handicapped yet, thank you very much, and until I am I
have every intention of continuing my duties." So much for sleeping in.
Zaidah... why are you doing this? She actually doesn't have the faintest
idea. The last thing she wants is for the baby to be hurt but... it's the
principle of the thing! It's like saying she can't do it... and we all know
how she reacts to things like that. c.c

Siiiiiiigh. Stubborn woman. Neelkan grumbles a moment, then stands up from
the bed himself and moves after her, "At least let me put the choker on f'r
ya. No doubt anyone who knows what it means is gonna talk, but..." He
already asked Kaomi, and... told Denn, so he doesn't care who talks. Of
course, Aidou will likely give him a piece of her nice sized logs for not
telling /her/ but what's done is done. He reaches to take the choke and
moves to put it around her neck. Luckily, it looks like it will fit. He
didn't have a chance to get a custom made one. But this one, at least,
looks decent. The guy under the love weave influence knew what he was
ordering. Just... don't ask /who/ the poor sap was.

Who was the poor sap? o.o Sorry, it was too good to pass up. n.- He's not
arguing? He's not going to try and force her to stay put? Zaidah doesn't
know how to react to that. She she just... nods and watches him as he puts
it around her throat, one hand holding up the sheet while the other
gingerly rises to touch the choker once it's on. She smiles softly... a
smile which slowly turns to a sad one. "Does... Kaomi know?" Wait, what is
she thinking? Of course she knows. Neel isn't the kind of Gaidin to not ask
his Aes Sedai's permission before taking a step like this... But she can't
help but... feel guilty. Why should they get to be happy when Kaomi... has
lost -her- love? Not that she would give up Neelkan for the world but...
And my she certainly does switch gears quickly.

There's a pause, then the choker snaps shut. Not a perfect fit. Neelkan
ponders for a moment if he should have a new one made or not. But at least
it isn't too tight or anything. It was actually too big for the person he
had it made for originally. Yes, Neelkan was the poor sap. Right after
Kaomi bonded him, he hopped down into the town like a love-drunken fool and
ordered a wedding choker. And then spent all morning trying to remember
which place he went to. The guy charged twice what he had originally this
time though, probably because Neelkan never even picked it up. He kinda
wanted to forget he'd ever done such a stupid thing when the love-weave was
made common knowledge. He isn't going to let Zaidah know about that one
though, which is why he sorta lied when he told her how he got it. If he
hadn't known there was a choker in the city (hopefully) still, he probably
would have just ordered one this afternoon and waited til then. As for the
question of Kaomi he pauses a moment, then nods. "I told her." He feels a
little bad himself, but he won't bring himself to go into it.

Zaidah nods... and then smiles weakly, kissing him softly again. "Why don't
you head down, pumpkin? I'll be down in a little while..." Apprently, he
isn't the only one who feels the need to have talks with the Amyrlin. "All
right?"

Kissing her lips back, Neelkan runs his fingers over the choker lightly. It
wasn't made for Kaomi really. It was, but not really. It was made for the
woman he loved more than life itself. At the time it was ordered, yes, that
was Kaomi, due to the influence of the weaves. But now? Zaidah is the only
one who even comes close to that feeling he had then. And since this
feeling is not forced by weaves, it's even more precious and much more
real. "I love you." he adds after a moment, then turns to grab his cloak
and slip out the door.