09/09/2001

Amyrlin's Study, White Tower, Tar Valon

A simple office, matching the temprament of the woman who works here. A
carving of a man balanced on one leg about to throw a javelin, done in
polished wood, is present on a small table. An old desk, battered and
comfortable rather than polished majesty, is present as well, along with a
few simple chairs. What need for externals when the woman herself is able
to provoke so much awe? Papers are kept in neat arrays across the desk, and
a few boxes, warded, hold sensative material.

Dominating the wall is a huge map with push pins within it, detailing the
movements of armies across the world. A supply of pins hangs from a bag
from the frame of the map. Black is for Dark armies, white for Light
armies, some with little flags detailing where each army originates: red
for Manetheran, etc. A soft blue rug covers the floor.


There's a brief knock to announce his presense, then Neelkan steps inside.
From the emotions through the bond, Kaomi can feel that he's a little on
edge this morning, and feels more than a little guilty about something. Not
to mention some good old emotional pain. "Uh.. Kaomi?" He scratches at his
hair uncertainly, then moves inside and closes the door behind him. "'r ya
busy?"

"Not too busy for you, my friend." Kaomi says softly. She pushes an entire
stack of paperwork to the side and gulps down what has to be her fourth cup
of blackroot tea. And its not even dawn yet. She moves from around the desk
and sits down in one of her overstuffed chairs, motioning him to the other.
Right now Kaomi's pain has all just dulled into acceptance of events. She's
been overstimulated and now can't feel much at all. It just resolves itself
into an unending cycle of work.

There's a small bundle under Neelkan's arm, and for the last couple of
hours, she would have sensed that he's been awake (after a.. ahem.. night
with Zaidah) and in the city for time. And also up in the higher levels of
the Tower, where he had a rather painful moment. "Uh.. I won't take t'
long. I don't want.. ya have so much.." He growls at himself. Can't even
speak to her coherently. He never stumbled over his tongue this much with
her before. He calls himself a few curses (involving milk) and then moves
over to sit down. "I need to ask you something about Zaidah."

Milk? A look of confusion settles over Kaomi's features. Finally she just
offers you a pungent, steaming cup of blackroot. Always makes /her/ feel
better. "What is it, Neelkan?"

Milk's the way he curses. Maybe it'll catch on one day. Neelkan rubs a hand
through his hair, then takes the cup and drinks on it, only to end up
coughing a moment. This guy can swallow strong alcohol without a twitch and
this causes him to flinch. "Uh.. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed t'
say this." He studies his hands around the cup. "Uh.. If ya say I can't,
'en I won't. I just.. can I ask.." He is /so/ nervous. "I want t' give
Zaidah a wedding choker." Which in Eharon is the equivilent of becoming
engaged.

"Why would I prohibit that?" Kaomi asks, a look of genuine bemusement
stealing over her features. "I want you to be happy..." she looks down.
"Do...do you need the bond released?" She can't understand why she suddenly
feels upset at that. Maybe its because at that point she'd be truly alone.
But she won't stand in the way.

Neelkan looks up at the question, obviously startled, and that's without
his ever emotional presense. "Released?" There's a moment of confusion,
then he shakes his head, "No, no.. I don't want t' b' released. I want t'
stay yer Gaidin. Unless ya'd rather release m' 'at is..." He was never good
at knowing what was going on inside a woman's head. The bond didn't help
with that much, unfortunately.

Kaomi shakes her head quickly. "I hardly ever leave the Tower, Neelkan, so
there's no reason why your duties should conflict." She pauses for a
second, a sudden idea hitting on her mind. She grabs another cup of
blackroot and ponders it, but doesn't mention it yet.

There's more than a little relief in Neelkan, though it seems clear that he
didn't honestly think she would say no. "Now all I gotta d' is hope she
doesn't beat m' o'er the head with 'er staff f'r thinkin' she'd e'er
actually marry someone, much less me." He laughs for a moment, though his
mood isn't that jesting. Again, he knows that his worries are likely
unfounded, but they are there.

"I don't think so," Kaomi says softly. "She cared for you the entire time
you were in that coma. Day and night." She sighs. "I am sorry that my
attempt on Graendal backfired on you, Neelkan. That was inexcusable pride
on my part." The overweening source of her problems of late.

"Don't worry 'bout it." Neelkan shrugs lightly. What happened in that
ter'angreal hurt, a lot, but he doesn't blame her. "I'm sorry I couldn't
bring Raeth back." He knows it's a touchy subject, but it's one he feels
personally guilty about. He saw Raeth. And for a moment he was even
/normal/.. or sort of at least.

Kaomi just shakes her head mutely. "It was a long shot in either event,
Neelkan." She sighs and for a moment that...numbness...in her just grows
stronger. She won't feel it and that's that. In her Dreams something
terrible still is to come with Raeth, but she can't let herself think about
it.

Luckily, Neelkan hasn't had any prophectic dreams. Thank the Light. That
probably has something to do with the fact he's only had a few nights of
real sleep in weeks as it is. Spending that month in a coma and all.
Perhaps he will have dreams in a few days, but he's hoping they stay
silent. There's a long moment of silence, then he speaks, "I told Denn
a'ready." He knows she probably wanted him to speak to the White before any
of this occured, so he did. And that was probably the source of the guilt
up above.

"What did she say?" Kaomi asks gently. She knows Denn well enough to
surmise it probably didn't turn overtly ugly or anything, but she also
knows the White was hurt. A messy, messy thing all the way around, to her
mind.

"She told me to leave." Neelkan says softly. He doesn't want to think about
it right now. He already feels bad enough for breaking his promise to her.
Making her that upset didn't help much. But it isn't like he could just let
her find out from some Trainee who'd heard a rumor that Zaidah and Neelkan
were engaged.

Kaomi leans over and squeezes Neelkan's shoulder for a moment. "It could
not be helped. You have to follow your heart." She gives a wan smile.
Listen to her, speaking of hearts. Two years ago she didn't know her heart
from her shoes.

"M' heart, 'eh?" Neelkan shakes his head, as if to say that he doesn't
think his heart is always the right way to go. But then again, when has he
ever chosen the right way to go. "I wish that I could just make everyone
happy."

"Not possible," Kaomi says a touch briskly. "If that were possible than
there would never be any war or strife at all. There'd be no need for
/society/. Everything you do is going to have a consequence for someone
else, and sometimes that is going to mean someone gets hurt."

"That doesn't mean I have to like it." Neelkan grumbles openly. Grrr. Grrr.
"'n I hope 'at yer not hurt t' much by.. uh.. what ya saw in.. ya know." He
doesn't want to say more. But she should know what he's talking about.

"No." Kaomi says softly. "Lets not let it become a point of awkwardness
between us. First, it was cooked up by your subconcious, which you have no
control over. Second, if anything, I ought to be mildly flattered, hmmm?
Put it out of your mind. Its over."

Neelkan blushes a little at the flattered bit, and hides his face in the
nasty tea cup. Nasty tea. He'd take good ale any day. He clears his throat,
coughing more than a little because of the taste, then says. "So ya really
don't mind?" He's just checking, starting to move to stand up. He needs to
get back to Zaidah before she wakes up and finds him gone. He may be more
than a little clueless when it comes to girls, but he knows she won't like
waking up alone.

Kaomi shakes his head. "I want you to be happy, Neelkan. That's important
to me. And I want Zaidah to be happy too." Her voice is firm and there's
nothing in the bond that would deny that.

There's a moment. Neelkan stands there and doesn't say anything. He could
try to leave, but he's having a thinking moment. Those are so rare. Finally
he adds, "There is one other thing.. uh.. Zaidah's pregnant. I understand
'at's against tradition, 'n ya may get some flack f'r it.. but.." No one is
going to take away his kid, damnit. But he resists saying that. He has
learned some self control these two years.

For a moment Kaomi just stares at him, startled. Then: "Congradulations."
Warmly, she means it. "I would point out that Zaidah herself is completely
against tradition, so I don't see how the damage can get any worse."

Neelkan smiles. "She's probably gonna kick m' f'r tellin' ya 'fore she
could, but a couple of the Yellows a'ready know, so no doubt you'd hear
about it sooner or later." Likely sooner. Neelkan has little respect for
Yellows. "I'm gonna d' m' best t' keep 'er from goin' t' hard on 'erself,
but she's so bloody stubborn... She's prolly gonna insist on training.
Could ya make sure she doesn't get sent on any battles at least?"

The Amyrlin stands, going to her desk and pulling out her trusty notebook.
Remove Zaidah from active duty roster. "The grounding order will be written
up this afternoon," she promises. No pregnant women in battle. That's just
not going to happen. "Send her to me if she wishes to get upset over it."
Bloody women who try to be more male than the men.

He /knows/ she's going to get upset over it. But maybe she'll listen to
Kaomi. Neelkan moves over to grip his Ward's shoulder as he smiles at her,
"Thanks. I'm not gonna try t' make 'er stop being Gaidin. She can still
help with trainin' 'n e'erything, I just don't want 'er t' push 'erself.
I..." He doesn't have to finish. But he couldn't bare it if he lost either
of them again.

"We'll just have to reassign her to a duty around the Tower only. There are
Gaidin with those," Kaomi says, patting Neelkan's hand with a smile. He
doesn't have to say it. She knows. She knows all too well.

The smile brightens a moment, but not quite as bright as it would have been
if he hadn't already broken someone's heart today. Neelkan removes his hand
and adds, "Ya'll prolly see Zai sometime in the afternoon." He has no
doubts that she will resist his arguments against over-doing things. But at
least he isn't so bad that he'll insist she stay in bed and not move for
eight months. After what happened in the Arches, it's almost a surprise he
/doesn't/. He gives a half bow (as much of a bow as he ever gives), "And
ya, Kaomi, need t' get some sleep t'night. If I have to make one of the
Yellows slip something in your tea..." He's only /half/ teasing. Gaidin are
supposed to do things like this. "Ya need some rest. Yer not gonna d' any
good f'r anyone if ya work yerself t' death."

She's heard that one before. "I sleep," she assures him, laughing. In truth
she's sleeping a little bit more than she used to, if only out of weary
depression. A whole six hours. And she now takes a whole hour every evening
to relax. The work-a-holic is improving somewhat. "Go propose to your
lady."

Oh good. Neelkan doesn't have to push her too much, it seems.Not that he's
exactly known for being the best sleeper himself. Luckily the Gaidin bond
has helped with that a lot. Allowing him to go longer without sleep. He
slips outside after a nod and a small grin, "Will do."