08/22/2001

Into the Fire

Summary: Having been returned to the Tower in a coma after his experiences
in Jaramide, Neelkan only has a small amount of time for his body to remain
alive. Using the power of the Dream, Kaomi and Zaidah go into his mind to
try and return what's left of him to his body. And the Neelkan they find is
quite different from the one they knew and cared for.

Players:

Neelkan
Kaomi
Zaidah

Emitter:

Neelkan



Upon entry into the arches that trapped the young man their both worried
about, the first thing that becomes clear is heat. Intense, skin blackening
heat. Light is the next thing that is easily disconcerned. Bright yellows
and reds and even peircing blues ripple and fight for domenance, flowing
ever higher before you. The heat is so thick that it shimmers and makes
everything beyond it appear moving and out of focus. The flames are no
exception. There is solid ground. White-colored stone, like one of the many
bridges over the river surrounding Tar Valon. The flames have no fuel with
which to burn, but they do not seem to need it. The stone is unflawed by
the heat that would crisp skin of someone who got within a few feet,
standing up against the heat easily as it was made to. Even though, parts
of it have been touched with black where the flames have obviously been
burning for some time. Nothing can be seen beyond, except a few blurry
silhouettes. You two are on the side of the bridge that is closest to the
island itself. The complete absense of people make it the strangest sight.
The only sound that can be heard is the loud roar of the wall of fire.

Almost expiriementally, the Amyrlin looks down to herself and tries to
switch to cooler clothing. Is this more akin to Tel'Aran'Rhiod or to the
arches? This will be the acid test that finds out. Her gaze is intense, but
other than that her features betray little, though she narrows her eyes at
the fire as if it were a personal enemy of hers. She glances over at Zaidah
to see how the other woman is doing.

Zaidah is nervous, but confidant. It's been months now and she's probably
as good at this mental control stuff as she's ever going to get. She just
wants to find Neelkan and bring him home. She nods to Kaomi to let the
woman know she's already and then peers into the flames, wondering just
what to expect. "Neelkan? Are you here?"

The wall of flame shifts slightly, the colors and bright lights fading out.
The roar dies down to a low rumble, easily allowing other sounds to be
heard over it. The flames become a canvas for a testament in the occurances
of the last month. Why it is being shown is anyone's guess. Perhaps it is
because Neelkan has been reliving the events he experienced inside the arch
for weeks and months now and his mind is allowing the images to find solid
foundation. The first thing that is apparent is the sound of slow
footsteps, impacting the stone floors of the Tower. Then an image appears
on the flame canvas, only half-opaque. Neelkan. And he's carrying
something. No, someone. Or perhaps something was more appropriate, because
that someone is not moving. The images take a moment to collect, but once
he is inside the infirmary and lays the body down on one of the many empty
beds, it becomes clear who that person was. Zaidah. Blood has soaked
through her shirt from a wound on the stomach, and blood sticks to her
hands, and Neelkan's as well. His entire front is more or less touched --
if not covered -- by it as well. Once she's laid down, he sits on a chair
and lowers his head against the side of the cot, his hair touching her
shoulder as he closes his eyes and seems to wait. The oddest thing though,
is even when this is Neelkan, a man not exactly known for restraining his
emotions, his face and entire being almost seems... empty. If anything, he
looks tired. Infinately tired.

"Light," Kaomi murmurs softly, witnessing this. Her half formed attempt to
change her clothing dies in midstride, and her hand stretches out a tad,
towards the scene. But she does not move forward. "Light," she repeats,
ever so softly. Then she shakes herself out of it and says, softly, to
Zaidah, "It seems as if the ball is in your court tonight, so to speak."
Not that she expected anything less.

Zaidah stares at the scene and is both awed and hurt. Awed that... her
death is what brought him to this, and hurt that... it would have to happen
to him at all. But this is just great, the ball is in -her- court and...
she's standing there with her thumb up her ass. As if she'd actually know
what to do. So she does the only thing she can think of. She calls out to
him. "Neelkan! I'm here! Neelkan! Look at me, damn you!"

And for a moment, it almost seems as if he hears her voice. His head lifts
up from the cot, but a second later the cause is apparent, and not from the
girl. A clear voice heard in the background, seeming to come from within
the flames themselves, "What happened?" Neelkan looks over, the tired
expression still apparent. He pushes himself up carefully and walks over to
the Yellow, a sister that while not one with a major role in his life, does
have a face and a name in the real world. "Take care of her. I'll be right
back." He speaks without his accent, a sure sign that he isn't entire
together at this point. The Aes Sedai moves to stop him and he brushes her
off as stubbornly as ever. The scene fades, the picture returning to the
flames, only to reappear in another place. 

This time in a dungeon of the Tower, one of many. This one is unique
though. There's a circle of candles around some kind of strange alter, most
blown out, one or two still burning, the flickering light giving little
illumination. The background of flames negates any need for it though. On
the floor beside the alter is yet another body. Eyes open still with her
last moments. Tendrels of smoke line her body, and over her heart on her
chest, a hole has been burned in her shirt. No stomach wound, but this
Zaidah is just as dead as the one they saw before. Neelkan kneels down
beside her and carefully arranges her body, smoothing her eyes closed and
placing her hands over her stomach. The same voice is heard again, the same
words almost too, "Light, what happened?" The Yellow apparently followed
him. He doesn't look up, he doesn't say anything at first. Reaching forward
he smooths a lock of hair off the body's forehead, then says in a very soft
voice, "I killed her." The flames take over again.

"We are going to have to walk through there, I think." Kaomi says, very
softly. Almost matter of factly. "It should not hurt us. Remember that this
is only a phantasm of his mind." She hopes. She smooths down her stole for
a moment and says, "I think I can use the bond we share to intensify our
presence here, and make us more noticable. But you'll have to hold on to my
wrist or something." She does /not/ suggest holding hands like little
children.

For an instant Zaidah's clothes flash and she's left standing there...
naked, the firelight flickering off her body. Her usual clothes coalesce
though and she turns to look at Kaomi. To prove a point... she puts on her
hand, placing it into the flames. The pain is real enough, as is the smell
of burning, smoking flesh, but she removes her hand clamly and shows it to
the Amyrlin seat. "I'm afraid as your only awake, sane, acting Gaidin, I'm
going to have to advise against that, Mother." Well... sane is a relative
term. "But if you think the Bond would help then that should be safe
enough." She's turned completely off right now. It's almost as if... she's
sharing Neelkan's lack of emotion. But that can't be, can it?

The flames that lick and burn Zaidah's skin remain unhendered for the
moment, the images overlaying the fire return. The infirmary again. Two
voices this time. The same Yellow, and a second one. This one doesn't have
an real-world counterpart, but then that is never needed when this is his
mind. The faces aren't even that clear. Just the voices. "She was
pregnant?" the new voices asked, shocked. "Whoever heard of a pregnant
Gaidin." "What else could you expect from them allowing a woman to finish
training. It had to happen eventually." "This will cause a horrible
scandal." "The Amyrlin doesn't want it mentioned in public. I think she's
trying to keep it from him." The Yellow nods, as if she expected nothing
less. The image seems to back up, through a doorway. And leaning against
the wall beside the frame is none other than the person they were supposed
to be keeping it from. He closes his eyes for a moment, then pushes off
from the wall and walks away silently, eyes downcast.

Kaomi 's eyes widen in a non-verbal, 'oh shit.' She starts to intensify the
bond, wrapping it around both of them until they are bathed in a bright
white light. Please let that get his attention. "Neelkan!" She shouts. "It
is fantasy! Zaidah is here, and alive, and waiting for her to come back to
you! This is just a fabrication of your mind!"

Zaidah freezes, and slowly turns to look at the scene. Pregnant? She puts
her hale hand on her abdomen and furrows her brow into the flames. Now he's
just being melodramatic. Or... did he... is this his way of telling her he
wants kids? She's so thoroughly confused, so instead of thinking about it
she joins in Kaomi's shouting. "Neelkan you have to look beyond the
illusion! That's all it is! Please! I love you! Come home. I miss you so
much... Please Neelkan!"

At Kaomi and Zaidah's yells, something does happen. The wall of fire thins
for a moment, the other side becoming partially clear for the first time. A
sillhouette of a person sitting on the egde of the bridge, legs hanging
off, body half hunched over with elbows resting on knees. Normally
dishelved hair is even more so, hanging down in front of his face, obsuring
for the most part. The other thing that is easily noted, and very odd, is
the fact that this person is unshaven. Neelkan, while sometimes allowing
for a little stubble, has never let it grow out that far. He doesn't move.
He doesn't look up. And the flames solidify again before anyone can take
more than a few steps.

The images it solidfies behind is that of Kaomi's office. Neelkan doesn't
knock, he just pushes the door open and steps inside. The happens here are
less coherent than the ones before, as if his memory on it isn't quite as
burned in as the others. After a few moments there is some conversation
that can be made out. "You've never closed your emotions off from me
before, Neelkan." She starts to continue, but he looks up at her, eyes
almost blank and says, "I'm not now." The roar of the flames overtake any
response she might have had to that. When something can be heard again,
it's Neelkan speaking in the same tired, calm voice, "I need to feel
something..." The image of the Amyrlin stands up and starts towards the
door as if to order a drink or some food. In a quick motion, the red head
clasps her arm and pulls her to a stop. What happens next is something that
would normally be extremely strange, but this entire experience can be
chalked up on the strange broad. He grabs her by the shoulders and leans
down and kisses her. The image starts to fade, but his voice can still be
heard, softly, "I need to feel something. I need to know I'm still alive...
And I know I'm not the only one."

The white flames flicker and twist in embarrassment. And something else,
something which Kaomi quickly buries. Because... he is /not/ the only one.
And despite the fact that she was under the influence of a ter'angreal at
the time, she can still remember the firey little man's lips upon hers. She
lowers her eyes to the ground. It is because of /that/ which began this
whole mess, because of her own lack of self control. So moments later the
flame burns strongly again and her face is stern stone as it always is. But
her determination burns brightly as well. Here are two people who love each
other...Zaidah and Neelkan. And she is /going/ to bring them back together
again. People often don't realize how deeply she cares about others. Its
hard to, as uncomfortable as she gets: with emotion, with displays. But it
is because of that passion that she can fight the way she does, and push on
through so many hurts.

Zaidah almost rushes forward when she sees the figure behind the flames,
but they roar up again and she is thrown back by the blast of hot air. Any
futher pleas or screams she had though... are cut off by the scene before
her. She doesn't look at Kaomi. It's not the Amyrlin's fault he's...
thinking these things. She puts a hand to her heart and winces, looking
away, trying to block out the sound of his voice, and... failing miserably.

The scene that returns is one that probably doesn't help Zaidah feel any
better. The office is a mess, papers scattered off the desk, chairs
overturned. Neelkan is putting his boots back on and watching the floor
next to his feet intently. When he stands up, he takes off the arm bracer
that was given to him after the raid of the ter'angreal cache and lays it
on the desk, then he moves towards the door and steps outside silently. His
cloak is also left behind, perhaps out of symbolism, or perhaps because a
certain tiny Amyrlin is using that as a blanket and only covering. The
flames thin a little bit again, but not quite as much as before. The one
thing left to show is a pyre. Zaidah, dressed in clothes that he picked
out, nice, but not too womanly. Something that she would be caught alive
in. Dark reds. She always liked dark reds. Or perhaps he just liked seeing
her in dark reds. He walks up to the unlit pyre and reaches up to his ear
and removes the hoop from his right lobe. He leans over and carefully puts
it in her ear. Apparently, in whatever world this is, he did actually get
around to piercing her ears like he'd always said he would. Next he pulls
out a choaker, easily recognized as the wedding choaker worn by people from
Eharon. He places it around her neck, then fixes the dagger on. The dagger
with one stone in the hilt. A white stone enameled in black. The stone that
represents a son that died. He presses a kiss on her forehead, another on
her lips, then finally a last one on her stomach. He moves to the foot of
the pyre, picks up the fan that his sister made for him, and lights it
himself. The flames from the pyre mix in with the flames of the dream. And
when one starts to go down, the other goes with it. The wall narrowing and
fading, the heat receding.

Kaomi puts a hand on Zaidah's shoulder. "This is not reality," she murmurs,
softly. "Do not allow yourself to be hurt by such things. Anyone could see
that even here, in his mind, he was only seeking comfort when the one he
truly wanted was gone." She'll deal with her own /discomfort/ later. Raeth
is the only person she's ever shared /that/ intimacy with. Her heart
constricts for a minute and then releases, slowly. She swallows the lump in
her throat. They don't know if its going to work even here. And she can't
save /Raeth/ this way.

Zaidah closes her eyes tightly and nods. She's right of course, and while
she's angry at him for even thinking such things... his actions towards her
"corpse" melt the heart which threatens to tighten into a chunk of ice.
"Thank you," she whispers softly. Then she looks into the flames,
determination chiseled into her face. She holds out her unburnt hand to
take Kaomi's... not suggesting they hold hands like children.. just doing
it. She takes a deep breath and plunges into the flames first. At least
that way if it's not safe... Kaomi'll have fair warning. *Neelkan? Where
are you?*

The pain is momentary, and liveable, but not gone completely. Sitting on
the edge of the bridge, the partly detailed silhouette is easily seen now.
Though compared to the fire, and the images overlaid on the flames, Neelkan
looks almost dull. Almost as if someone managed to pull the color out of
his hair, and skin tone and clothing. Black. He very rarely wears black.
Today is one of those times though. Clasped in his hands is the fire
fueling fan. He hears the movement off to his side and reacts, if slowly,
glancing over with just as dull blue-green eyes. He doesn't even seemed
surprised to see Zaidah and Kaomi crashing through the flames.

Kaomi hisses in pain as the flames lick at her body, but its over quickly.
"Neelkan. Do you see us? Can you hear us?" Her voice is soft, intense. She
grips Zaidah's hand tightly. Since Zaidah suggested it. You know. That's
the only reason. Right.

Riiiiight. Nothing to see here. Move along! But that's ok. Zaidah doesn't
complain. "Neelkan?" She doesn't know whether to be relieved or even more
sad. He's looking at them... that's a start! Right? "We're here...
Please... come home." Slowly she starts to walk towards him, and since
Kaomi is holding one hand... she has to hold the burned one out to him. See
what I go through for you man?

For a long time, Neelkan stares at them almost blankly. As if he sees them,
but his body just can't seem to react to it. Tired. So very tired. That's
the only real thing that can be seen. He studies the burnt hand that's held
out to him, but makes no move to take it. His eyes move away from them
slowly and he looks over the edge of the bridge, down into the moving water
below. The water that would normally strike embarassing fear in his heart.
Right now, he would probably be happy to /have/ fear. Slowly he speaks,
voice drawn out more than nessassary, "Home...? What is home extactly..? If
it were just you, I'd think I'm finally dead and you've come back to take
me.. but Kaomi isn't dead. So I must be imagining things again. Though
normally both of you come. Only one of you." Maybe his mind isn't exactly
together right now.

Kaomi releases Zaidah's hand and decides to be the 'bad cop.' "Neelkan,
enough. I know these visions have been horrifying but that is all they are.
Lets wake up now. Zaidah here has been worried sick and she's not
attractive moping around like a mooncalf. I apologize that my attempt to
trap Graendal backfired so horribly on you. Home to the real world. This is
just a world of your fears."

Imagning things, huh? Zaidah glances to Kaomi and smiles weakly at the
"insults" Hey, if it works, she'll be happy to play along. Now that she has
her other hand free, she walks over and grabs Neelkan by the wrist,
pressing his palm against her stomach. "Is this what you want? I don't know
if it's true or not... but it can be." She's never really pictured herself
as a mother but... if that's what it takes to get him out of this. "If it's
true... then I need you. We need you. I can't do this on my own. I'm alive
Neelkan. All you have to do is take my hand and we can go home..."

Finally some emotion manages to surface over the rest. Confusion. Neelkan
glances over at both of them, as if he isn't sure what they're saying.
Almost as if they happen to be speaking in another language and he has to
shift through the subtitles that are done really badly. Finally he manages
to ask, "This isn't real? You're not... dead?" Then suddenly he frowns.
"Which one are you? Which one is she Kaomi? You wouldn't bring me the other
one, would you?" He looks at the Amyrlin, eyes pleading. But it does sound
like he's talking gibberish to people who don't know all the details of
what happened to him.

"What in blazes is he talking about?" Kaomi murmurs into Zaidah's ear,
obviously taken aback. Now SHE is the one reading the bad subtitles. She
just looks at Neelkan utterly bewildered, then back to her not-quite-gaidin
hoping that the latter will have a clue. All this baby talk she ignores.
That is one thing SHE is never going to do.

Zaidah furrows her brow at Neelkan. "If you can't understand him how am I
supposed to?" Zaidah whispers back at Yu- I mean the Amyrlin. "Wait! The
other one! Zashta thought I was a traitor when she came back because she'd
met what she thought was me in Jaramide. And then before... there were
two... there was the one in the infirmary... and the one at the altar. They
were different." You notice these things when it's... yourself. She turns
back to Neelkan. "I'm the one who loves you Neelkan. Remember? When I was
pretending to be a boy and you helped me with my broken rib? And didn't
tell anyone? You were the first man to ever see me cry. Don't you remember?
When we thought Ra-..." she swallows hard on the word "Raeth was going to
kick me out? I'm sorry Neelkan. I should never have let you go..." Yeah, if
only he wasn't so damned pig-headed. "If you come home... I promise, I
won't make the same mistake again." She leans forward, hope and sadness
mingling in her brown eyes, and if he lets her... she brushes her lips
softly across his, hoping... praying... fearing.

Neelkan makes no move to confirm or deny Zaidah's revelations, but he does
listen when she speaks. For a long moment he doesn't say anything. Perhaps
the mention of Raeth stured a memory he'd rather not have. One of his hands
unclasps from around the metal fan and he starts to reach towards her, only
to have his hand stop. He stares at his hand as if fasinated by the strange
pale gray color of it. Could his existance in this world be fading? And
what happens if he fades completely before they manage to pull him out?
Well, let's not find out. He looks up at her again and says, "Is this some
kind of dream then?" It seems his memory of the world outside the arches
isn't entirely intact yet. He doesn't remember Graendal slipping the
bracelets on his wrist, and he never knew what they would do, so it
probably wouldn't help if he had remembered. "She.. she tried to kill you.
She was trying to become you. But she couldn't as long as you were alive...
I killed you, to save you... But I failed..." He pauses, as if that's the
worst thing ever. "I didn't want to fail. I did everything I could.. I
actually killed you.." Started out she, but fell into yous. That's the
confusing part of having an evil double.

Kaomi wills the white blaze that surrounds her and Zaidah to touch Neelkan
as well, embrace him. "Dream world is as good a term as any. It was only a
nightmare." Softly, so softly. "Wake up. Take Zaidah's hand, and wake up.
She is alive, and warm, and waiting for you." Damn it, but negotiating
treaties is easier.

Zaidah smiles softly. "You didn't kill me. I'm right here Neelkan." She
holds out her hand again, her eyes pleading with him. "You didn't fail.
Come... let me show you..." It's working. It -has- to be working.

Dull blue-green eyes stare silently at her hand now. Then slowly, very
slowly, he starts to reach out again. The light from Kaomi helps to give
him some color again, pulling him more fully into this state, but before
Neelkan's hand touches Zaidah's... he pulls it back. "Ya'll be 'ere 'en I
wake up?" His accent. That /has/ to be a good sign. And instead of the
tired, emotionaless (and sometimes confused) voice of before, he sounds
almost like a little boy who's been hurt one too many times and is afraid
to even open his eyes for fear of what might be on the other side. The fact
that he's not even twenty is very apparent suddenly.

"We are in your room right now." Kaomi says firmly. Like a mother. Only one
with normal sized breasts. (o.O) "Come along." Well, what can she do but
coax like nothing at all is wrong? Nothing to be frightened of here. Just
take the hand and come back to sanity.

Zaidah wraps an arm around him and buries her nose in his hair. "Just open
your eyes," she whispers softly. "I'll always be there when you wake."
Inwardly, she giggles at Kaomi's motherlyness, and makes a mental note to
give that woman a hug. Er... c.c When no one else is around to see.

Motherlyness? Neelkan grunts when he finds himself being hugged, almost in
protest, but more out of sheer guyness. He's not really complaining, but if
he didn't it probably wouldn't seem right. He manages to look over at Kaomi
though and watches her for a moment. Mother-type? No. Certainly not. Chosen
big sister more like it (In contrast to the five he had no say in the
matter whatsoever about). Though admitedly there /were/ some warm fluffy
feelings mixed in there left over from memories of the love weave that
didn't help the sisterly persona... and... while he's looking at her his
cheeks suddenly color and he quickly looks away, buring his face in
whatever of Zaidah he can. Embarassed or not, at least he's feeling again.
And ready wake up as well.

Closing her eyes, Kaomi concentrates, pulling all three of them out the
same way she put her and Zaidah /in/. She had to have Neelkan's
willingness, she sensed, but now that she has it...she pits her mind on
making this entire nightmarish landscape fade.

Zaidah opens her eyes and instantly sits up to look down at Neelkan. Come
on... come on... wake up. It -had- to have worked. She glances over at
Kaomi to see if she's awake as well and holds on tightly to Neelkan's hand,
kissing the back of it and squeezing tightly and... ignoring the residual
pain in her own hand.

Eyes don't open first, but signs of awareness do appear. Neelkan's
breathing becomes a little less slow and steady, and he swallows a few
times to try and get moisture into his dry throat. He shifts, feeling the
pressure on his hand and returning it very weakly. He hasn't moved much in
a few months, he's going to need some physical conditioning before he'll be
much use as a Warder. Finally his eyes do peek open, and immediately close
again, muttering a very raspy, "Ow." under his breath. His eyes haven't
actually /seen/ light for a month, so obviously it will take some time to
adjust. They open again, squinting, looking up at the women who came to his
rescue. Then, before he can do much more than look, he turns his face away
from them and tries to hide the tears that have been trying desperately to
form since the damned arches.

Kaomi doesn't mind the tears. She reaches forward and rips that cursed
bracelet right back off of Neelkan's wrist. "Gotcha," she tells it.
Insidious little fool thing that it is. Bah. She puts a hand on Neelkan's
shoulder and squeezes. "Thank you for returning, my friend and Gaidin." She
then steps out, figuring that Zaidah and Neelkan will want to be alone...

And figuring that she is not the person who can handle tears!

"Kaomi!" But Zaidah is too late. Burn it. Well... she can go thank her
later. She looks down at Neelkan and brushes a fingertip along his eyelid
to pick up any tears that might fall. "Sssssshhh love. It's ok. You're here
now... I-" But can she really blame him for needing to cry? She's certainly
done her share of crying the past few months... "I love you." It's all she
can do for him right now.

Later, Neelkan is going to need to know what that was. Later, he's going to
ask about it. About why it felt so real, but so unreal at the same time.
Why he can remember three distinct segments, the last one the longest, and
worst. But each one he knows were... off. The first two especially. The
third one seems more like a possibility than the others... but he knows the
first two never happened. Perhaps that's why the third is so scary. And so
painful. His emotions have been shut off since the happenings. Since she
died in his arms and took his heart with her. Now he can feel it, and all
that pain is just piling over and over, digging, and cutting; burning and
beating. Which is why he can't ask what that was. Not right now. Maybe in a
few hours when he's completely coherent. Right now he just reaches up and
pulls Zaidah closer to him, buring his face in her shoulder, and using her
clothes to soak up the tears. And unfortunately, he's going to be like this
for a while.

Zaidah is happy to be a handkerchief for a while. At least he's not
emotionless anymore. -That- freaked her out. "Ssssshhhh. It's all right."
At least this time she has a much better idea of how to console him. She's
just going to hold him and let him cry as long as he wants and gently
stroke his hair and coo to him and just.. be there.

And that's all he really needs right now. Someone to be there. That was
probably one of the worst things about the last arch. No one was there when
he needed them. Two Yellows, Kaomi... but besides that, the halls, the
entire city... were so empty. Which makes one think that maybe the bracelet
was starting to lose it's effectiveness. But actually, that probably was
emphasising one of his worst fears. No matter how much Neelkan will insist
he doesn't need people... he /needs/ people. He needs people like everyone
else needs air.