SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it.
Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing,
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly
pull
it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve.
Once at the mall, they always seem
surprised to
find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on
the
shelves.
On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely,
if
he were a man, everyone in the
universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical
Chia
Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitzen's rack would already
be
on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have
reindeer,
he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get
lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask
for
directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
-Men can't pack a bag.
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with
all those elves.
-Men don't answer their mail.
-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in
jest, as
anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
-Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
to
pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite
guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening
test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance!
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