Ithialin skipped his classes the next day; confused and upset, he didn't know if he could face that Yarua girl in public. She must have surely guesses he had some feelings for her, she was so perceptive. Ithialin blushed despite himself and sunk deeper into his covers.
In his true fashion, Ithialin had managed to stay hidden in the safety of his own bed. He was lucky enough he didn't share the candidate barracks anymore, despite the fact he was still a candidate. The other riders had felt he was too old, and had been here to long, to be satisfied in the place. They'd stuck him instead in a room with another lad who Ithialin noticed was a rampant skirt-chaser.
Good thing Yarua doesn't wear skirts. Ithialin thought jealously, and shook his head, muffling a groan under his pillow. Last night he'd seen Yarua again in the dining hall, and she'd completely ignored him. She spent her time socializing with a group of older girls, all of whom dislike Ithialin for his rejections of them. It didn't help that each one spotted Ithialin eyeing Yarua throughout the meal.
Girls are fardling wherry-brained. Isn't that what you used to say Corru? None of them have a sense of seriousness, or what's truly important. Ithialin never agreed with Corru's sense of women, for Ithialin had been raised by a very strong one. His mother protected her children with a fierceness that proved she had a sense of what was important. She gave up everything for her children. The only ones to suffer for it of course were her children.
Stop complaining. Ithialin ordered himself. You were never bad off. And it got easier when you came to the Weyr. Ithialin's face soured. This was the second Weyr he'd been too. After he'd failed his first two hatchings elsewhere, the Weyrleader had sent him to DawnSisters, cause they were recovering from a plague and needed people to make the Weyr strong and healthy again. It still stung that the implications behind that suggested he should find an occupation in the Weyr and raise a healthy family there. Something that indicted he wouldn't he a dragonrider.
Ithialin was struck with another pang of longing for Corru. That boy had made everything alright. He would have eased Ithialin's fears, teasing him and cuddling at the same time. Ithialin missed the way Corru's hands would brush against his cheek reassuringly and tempting Ithialin to be less than innocent. Ithialin, more than anything, wanted someone to be with again. A dragon might ease the need for companionship, but only another human could ease the longing for love.
Oh Yarua. Why did I leave you yesterday? Will you hate me now? You're too much like my own lost love for me to handle that. Ithialin's mind went along the paths of morose romanticism as he thought of Corru and Yarua, and he entertained himself with thoughts of the two of them being alive at the same time; and Ithialin having to choose between them, for they both loved him beyond reason.
Ithialin smiled. That would be the day, when he had to choose between Corru and some girl. Of course he'd choose Corru. But Corru was gone, so what of Yarua now? Did he truly desire her as herself? Or only because of her likeness to Corru? Or, as Ithialin had hoped, was he changing from a "greenrider" so to speak, to a "skirt-chaser" like his roomate? Life would be so much easier that way, and maybe he'd finally get chosen on the sands.
Life was just too confusing. Ithialin decided. I can't figure this out on my own. But who could I turn to here? He could easily enough confide in one of the male greenriders, but they'd encourage him to stay true to Corru, and to men in general. They were strong advocates and recruiters for their way of life. Ithialin smiled warily. It wouldn't do to ask one of them, he'd end up more confused and possibly in some situation he didn't want to be in. Who knew who he'd let take advantage of him in his current state of mind?
Well, then there were the "controversial" girls. Ithialin groaned inwardly just thinking of dealing with one of them. They seemed to detest men, and would be glad to see him in his current state of mind. Searchriders? They're used to dealing with emotionally unstable people. Ithialin smirked, and decided against it. Even though there were four Searchriders now, they were too busy to deal with a boy, no, a man, of his age.
Yarua. A voice said from inside his head, and Ithialin pushed it away. Talking to the object of his confusion wouldn't help. He'd rather think he was talking to the dead Corru. Corru would have been understanding, and not pushed him to anything he wasn't ready for. Yarua wouldn't understand at all. Yarua, who was so much like Corru......
I don't even know Yarua. Ithialin told himself firmly, and decided he could deal with his problem himself. It wouldn't hurt to learn a little stability.
That decided, Ithialin was quickly loosing his mood to contemplate, and wanted to get up and out in the fresh air. Maybe he'd go to class afterall, and maybe Yarua would be there.


A few days later........ "But what do you mean I can't stay here any longer?" Ithialin shrieked at the Weyrwoman, who rubbed her head tiredly. Her eyes were rimmed with circles, and her hair was a mess. Ithialin could tell she was under a lot of stress; but he didn't much care. She was sending him away, he didn't owe her anything.
"Just what I said lad." Amera said sharply, and sighed. "We have too many new candidates coming in for this clutch, and all our riders have good feelings about this lot. For cripes sake Ithialin, you haven't Impressed for five hatchings. Aren't you getting tired of standing out on the hot sand alone? I dont' want to sound harsh 'Thil, but you're getting old to be playing the Impression hopeful."
Ithialin furrowed his brows.
"Impression hopeful? I won't pretend to know what that is, but I'm only nineteen Weyrwoman! There are other candidates older than I am!"
"Of course there are Ithialin, but I think you'd do better at Quinalt. They need candidates desperately. That clutch is way past the day it's supposed to hatch. The Weyrleaders are concerned there won't be enough standing and some of the hatchling won't Impress."
"So what you're saying," Ithialin said bitterly. "is that a dragon would be so desperate, it's more than likely I'd get chosen? Or, are you implying that this will be a final test, because if such a desperate dragon wouldn't want me, I stand no chance ever?"
Ithialin could see he'd hit on something, but Amera brushed it off with a wave and watched him intently.
"Listen Ithialin, I know you've been forming some close ties around here. You can come back when you Impress, but I really think you'll stand a better chance of getting a dragon if you go to Quinalt."
Ithialin felt himself fighting a loosing arguement. So with a shrug he tried not to think of Yarua, and of Corru, and said,
"Fine. I'll go. But don't expect me to be pleased with it!"
Amera concealed a small little smile, and shook her head.
"No, no, of course not. I wouldn't dare expect such a thing." With that she turned to go make plans for Ithialin's departure, and Ithialin was left wondering if this was something he could use to talk to Yarua about. Yesterday she had found him sulking in the firestone shed, and he'd confessed to her how hurt he was at Corru's death, and how confused he was becoming over life. He hadn't mentioned his new infatuation with her of course, that would be foolish. She'd comforted him in much the same way Corru would have done, and said whenever he needed someone to talk to, she'd be there. Ithialin reciprocated the offer, and Yarua gave him a bitter look.
Well, we gotta start somewhere. Ithialin thought and smiled ruefully. At least that's what Corru said at first.
Ithialin went off to find Yarua, and ask her if she'd care to have a private dinner with him that night. Afterall, he did have to start somewhere.