Isolde sat alone in her small room in the Headwoman's apartments, trying to ignore the noise of Jelle's newest foster son. The boy was two and currently screaming at the top of his lungs for something or other. Isolde didn't bother to go take care of it. She may be the oldest, but she didn't like children and decided she never really would. She supposed it'd be different when it was her own child-but this brat surely didn't do anything for those maternal strings. She only wanted him to shut up so she could think.
She decided she missed being young-when her and all the other children her age would go out to the lake on a rest day and spend the whole day fighting and playing and getting sunburns. Isolde missed being young-missed the comradery you had before you developed a real personality. Back then everyone had been more or less the same-and they'd all gotten along.
Now Isolde was sure everyone was against her. All she ever did was try to help, and no one cared. No one thought she was good at it, no one wanted her to help. Isolde didn't understand that. She had so much knowledge just waiting to be tapped, and no one cared. She'd heard them all say they thought she was stuck up before-but that wasn't true. She wasn't stuck up. Was she?
Of course not. Isolde told herself. You're just helpful, and some people just can't stand the idea that they need any help. Isolde was pleased enough with that answer to move on to the next question.
Why did her birth mother search Narana? Isolde, with only a bit of a force reality check, realized that Narana was a perfect person for a search. She was kind, caring, tolerant and empathetic to everyone. She was right to make a perfect green candidate, the personality fitted perfectly, and Isolde decided she'd be glad for her friend-despite the arguement.
But why Zacia to search Narana? Zacia made a point never to look amongst the "weyrbrats" for candidates. Zacia wasn't an official searchrider, but she searched actively nonetheless. She was the Weyr's strongest supporter that ties should be maintained across all the Holds, Halls, and Weyrs and one should never turn inwards to find riders unless it was truly called for.
But why didn't she come to me then? She knows I'm here. She could have at least asked her precious Kirtith to come take a look at me. It's not like I've ever told her I really don't want to be a dragonrider. Isolde didn't see the irony of that statement, and decided next chance she got, she would seek out her birth mother and ask to be searched.
The sound of the wooden door being slammed signified Jelle was on one of her rare day-visits home. Isolde listened as her foster mother comforted the crying boy, and then greeted the other two children home that day. They both said Isolde was there, supposed to be watching them, but she'd shut herself away in her room.
"Isolde, come out here for a minute please." Jelle's voice carried, and Isolde padded to the door and out into the main room.
"Yes, what is it Mother?" Two young girls and Jelle glared at her angrily. Isolde ignored the brats and concentrated on placating Jelle. "I'm tired today Mother, I don't feel well..."
"I heard about you and Narana."
"Well, so what?" This wasn't like when they were five, and if you fought with your best friend your parents came in and tried to solve the problem for you.
"I just thought I'd let you know I don't think you worked that situation very well."
"I have a lot on my mind." Isolde leaned against the wall and kept her eyes to the floor. She didn't want Jelle to see the red rims around them. The Headwoman immediately knew something was wrong-it always was when Isolde wasn't talking, and was thinking instead. The girl only thought about things when something went wrong in her life.
"I'm sure you do." Jelle said, and told the younger children to go outside, and take the baby. It was such a nice day afterall...and the weyrlings were down by the lake. The little ones ran outside gleefully after that, and Isolde tried to go back to her room. "Ahh-ah, no you don't girl, come over here where I can talk to you."
"You can talk to me here." Isolde argued, but obeyed.
"Now, you're old enough to deal with your own problems, and your own friends. That's not what I want to talk to you about." Isolde couldn't help but raise her eyebrows in curiousity.
"Oh?"
"It's been nearly two months with you working in the kitchens. I wanted to say I'm very pleased with how well you've handled the situation. You're a harder worker than I think I give you credit for Izzy, and I just wanted to say that to you."
Finally, some recognition!
"And," Jelle continued, "here's your reward." From seemingly out of nowhere Jelle produced a small, leather, sack that seemed to bulge. Isolde took it, heading Jelle's warning to be gentle with it. What was this? A uniform of some kind? A new badge to indicate her position? Some might not believe it since she was so young. She opened it and peered inside. She nearly threw it down in disgust.
"Well?" Jelle's voice was excited, and Isolde faked a smile as she pulled the fire lizard egg from the sack and cradled it close to her. "I know it's not what you had in mind-but I figured it was an apt reward. So few kitchen workers have them you know. It's the largest one left..."
"Charming." Isolde murmured, and dutifully took the egg over to the hearth, and the pot of sand that was waiting there. Funny how she hadn't noticed it before. Jelle must have put it there on her way in.
"Don't you like it?"
"Yes, I love it beyond measure." Isolde said quietly to herself, and shrugged. Then louder, "This isn't really what we discussed though." Jelle frowned in disappointment.
"We hadn't really discussed anything child. I told we I'd see what I could do, and this is what I did. Any other girl would be thrilled to death."
"Well I'm not any other girl!" Isolde exploded. "I wish you'd stop treating me like I were. I don't like children, I don't like pets-including flits!, I don't want to be a dragonrider, and my own mother cares more for other girls than for me!"
"No whyever do you say that?" Jelle's tone was harsh. She had no great respect for any woman than Zacia, and that's why she had fostered Isolde in the first place. Zacia hadn't wanted to give her daughter away-but had had no choice.
"She's the one who searched Narana Mother! How could she?"
"She, I'm sure, did it just to aggrivate you. She completely guessed which one of your random, unexplained, illogical moods that would put you in, and she did it just to prove herself right. What, if anything, do you want from her Isolde?" Jelle sounded aggrivated, as if she'd been getting somewhere for months and then finally realized she was back where she started.
Rebuked, Isolde blushed and turned away. "I don't know. Something I guess. She ignored me.."
"You ignore her." Jelle pointed out, and Isolde shook her head.
"That's different."
"I don't see how. Anyway, I must get back to the kitchens-there's some sort of meeting tonight amongst Weyrleaders and I must make sure they roast that wherry properly."
Jelle left, and Isolde fought back the wave of tears. Did no one care for her at all? No one understood.... "No Henarik, you don't put the tubers in until the water's boiling. Here, see Ssarra's? Like that." Isolde smiled gently at the older drudge, pleased to help him learn the best way to boil tubers. And to think, he'd been doing it wrong for countless turns. Isolde shook her head. She may not be management yet, but she could still help out in good ways. It looked good for her-and the others would say how much of a help she'd been to them too.
Lately Isolde's friends had been ignoring her, saying behind her back she wasn't as good at everything as she thought. Isolde thought that was a poor reason for being angry at someone-because you thought they weren't competent, but she'd show them. She would prove, behind a shadow, that she could handle whatever got dished out her way.
So she made sure all three of the people stewing tubers were doing okay, and then she took out a big pot and started doing the same. In retrospect, this work made her glad Jelle had given it to her. She could really learn a deeper appreciation for what the workers went through, and how they viewed their jobs, then if she went straight to kitchen assistant. But it was still tedious work, and you always had to listen to anyone your superior, even if they didn't know quite what they were doing.
Patience girl. You've only a few more days, and then you're promoted. There's a positon as secretary for the Weyrleader coming up...you could organize so much of the Weyr internally then. I'm sure it wouldn't matter that I'm not an official scribe. Isolde stared off in her daydream. It was really too bad that the current Weyrleader was so smitten with his Weyrwoman, he was truly handsome...and despite her realistic nature Isolde was still a fan of one-in-a-million chance romance, and think of being the Weyrleader's mistress!
Isolde finished up her work in the kitchens, helping everyone set out there tubers in an attractive fashion on the plate. She ignored their whining that it was only being sent up for seasoning-it didn't matter how they looked at all. Isolde didn't care. She was running late as it was. As she'd agreed to go to the weyrling lessons for Jelle, she made an effort to go to every single one.
She ran into Narana on the way out. Isolde waved, and Narana waved shyly back. Narana was the one friend who wasn't in the middle of shunning Isolde, but Isolde knew Narana took plent of heat for it-and she admired her friend for that.
"Where are you headed?"
"Weyrling lesson." Isolde said dejectidly.
"Me too!" Narana squeeked, and squeezed Isolde's arm. "I've been searched Izzy, me!" Narana twirled and skipped and Isolde only stood there open jawed. How had Narana gotten searched? She asked.
"Oh, well," Narana smiled, "I was by the lake watching some of the weyrlings playing with their dragons, and I guess I was kind of crying.."
"Kind of crying?" Isolde smiled. Narana just nodded playfully.
"More tearing than anything, I was jealous of the people who had their dragons, and all...and I wanted to be searched so badly. And than Zacia came along, with Kirtith, on their way to the lake.."
"Zacia?" Isolde stiffened. "My mother Zacia?" Narana nodded and continued.
"So she saw me and asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't help myself, I just told her, and she hugged me and said Kirtith thinks I'd make a good candidate for the clutch..."
But Isolde was already lost in her own thoughts. Zacia, who had seen Isolde, her own blood daughter, crying countless times before and never done anything. Zacia, who ignored Isolde to no end because "Jelle was there for that kind of thing", had felt the compassion to fake-search one of Isolde's friends?
"She was just being nice to you, felt sorry that you were so upset over nothing." Isolde said coldy to Narana, and the other girl fought back the trembling lip and stopped stark still, hands on her hips.
"Just why do you say that oh-so-perfect Izzy? You think I wouldn't be searched? Why? Are only you capable of doing anything of worth? I hope that's not really what you think. Zacia might just do it out of pity, but no dragon would! That green Kirtith spoke right into my mind and told me I'd make a wonderful greenrider!" Isolde forced herself to laugh.
"That's all you want to become? You're a girl, you could hope to ride the queen you know."
"Why should I? I know I wouldn't like such an arrogant priss of a partner in my life. So much work, so little reward."
"Only power and prestige!" Isolde blurted out, and Narana shook her head and walked away.. Isolde cursed after her friend, ignoring the crowd of people watching from various points within earshot. "You just wouldn't understand." Isolde said at last. "She just doesn't understand."
What Isolde thought Narana should understand, even she didn't know, but it seemed the right thing to say. She whirled around and walked off...in no mood to go to the lessons that day.

Isolde sat alone in her small room in the Headwoman's apartments, trying to ignore the noise of Jelle's newest foster son. The boy was two and currently screaming at the top of his lungs for something or other. Isolde didn't bother to go take care of it. She may be the oldest, but she didn't like children and decided she never really would. She supposed it'd be different when it was her own child-but this brat surely didn't do anything for those maternal strings. She only wanted him to shut up so she could think.
She decided she missed being young-when her and all the other children her age would go out to the lake on a rest day and spend the whole day fighting and playing and getting sunburns. Isolde missed being young-missed the comradery you had before you developed a real personality. Back then everyone had been more or less the same-and they'd all gotten along.
Now Isolde was sure everyone was against her. All she ever did was try to help, and no one cared. No one thought she was good at it, no one wanted her to help. Isolde didn't understand that. She had so much knowledge just waiting to be tapped, and no one cared. She'd heard them all say they thought she was stuck up before-but that wasn't true. She wasn't stuck up. Was she?
Of course not. Isolde told herself. You're just helpful, and some people just can't stand the idea that they need any help. Isolde was pleased enough with that answer to move on to the next question.
Why did her birth mother search Narana? Isolde, with only a bit of a force reality check, realized that Narana was a perfect person for a search. She was kind, caring, tolerant and empathetic to everyone. She was right to make a perfect green candidate, the personality fitted perfectly, and Isolde decided she'd be glad for her friend-despite the arguement.
But why Zacia to search Narana? Zacia made a point never to look amongst the "weyrbrats" for candidates. Zacia wasn't an official searchrider, but she searched actively nonetheless. She was the Weyr's strongest supporter that ties should be maintained across all the Holds, Halls, and Weyrs and one should never turn inwards to find riders unless it was truly called for.
But why didn't she come to me then? She knows I'm here. She could have at least asked her precious Kirtith to come take a look at me. It's not like I've ever told her I really don't want to be a dragonrider. Isolde didn't see the irony of that statement, and decided next chance she got, she would seek out her birth mother and ask to be searched.
The sound of the wooden door being slammed signified Jelle was on one of her rare day-visits home. Isolde listened as her foster mother comforted the crying boy, and then greeted the other two children home that day. They both said Isolde was there, supposed to be watching them, but she'd shut herself away in her room.
"Isolde, come out here for a minute please." Jelle's voice carried, and Isolde padded to the door and out into the main room.
"Yes, what is it Mother?" Two young girls and Jelle glared at her angrily. Isolde ignored the brats and concentrated on placating Jelle. "I'm tired today Mother, I don't feel well..."
"I heard about you and Narana."
"Well, so what?" This wasn't like when they were five, and if you fought with your best friend your parents came in and tried to solve the problem for you.
"I just thought I'd let you know I don't think you worked that situation very well."
"I have a lot on my mind." Isolde leaned against the wall and kept her eyes to the floor. She didn't want Jelle to see the red rims around them. The Headwoman immediately knew something was wrong-it always was when Isolde wasn't talking, and was thinking instead. The girl only thought about things when something went wrong in her life.
"I'm sure you do." Jelle said, and told the younger children to go outside, and take the baby. It was such a nice day afterall...and the weyrlings were down by the lake. The little ones ran outside gleefully after that, and Isolde tried to go back to her room. "Ahh-ah, no you don't girl, come over here where I can talk to you."
"You can talk to me here." Isolde argued, but obeyed.
"Now, you're old enough to deal with your own problems, and your own friends. That's not what I want to talk to you about." Isolde couldn't help but raise her eyebrows in curiousity.
"Oh?"
"It's been nearly two months with you working in the kitchens. I wanted to say I'm very pleased with how well you've handled the situation. You're a harder worker than I think I give you credit for Izzy, and I just wanted to say that to you."
Finally, some recognition!
"And," Jelle continued, "here's your reward." From seemingly out of nowhere Jelle produced a small, leather, sack that seemed to bulge. Isolde took it, heading Jelle's warning to be gentle with it. What was this? A uniform of some kind? A new badge to indicate her position? Some might not believe it since she was so young. She opened it and peered inside. She nearly threw it down in disgust.
"Well?" Jelle's voice was excited, and Isolde faked a smile as she pulled the fire lizard egg from the sack and cradled it close to her. "I know it's not what you had in mind-but I figured it was an apt reward. So few kitchen workers have them you know. It's the largest one left..."
"Charming." Isolde murmured, and dutifully took the egg over to the hearth, and the pot of sand that was waiting there. Funny how she hadn't noticed it before. Jelle must have put it there on her way in.
"Don't you like it?"
"Yes, I love it beyond measure." Isolde said quietly to herself, and shrugged. Then louder, "This isn't really what we discussed though." Jelle frowned in disappointment.
"We hadn't really discussed anything child. I told we I'd see what I could do, and this is what I did. Any other girl would be thrilled to death."
"Well I'm not any other girl!" Isolde exploded. "I wish you'd stop treating me like I were. I don't like children, I don't like pets-including flits!, I don't want to be a dragonrider, and my own mother cares more for other girls than for me!"
"No whyever do you say that?" Jelle's tone was harsh. She had no great respect for any woman than Zacia, and that's why she had fostered Isolde in the first place. Zacia hadn't wanted to give her daughter away-but had had no choice.
"She's the one who searched Narana Mother! How could she?"
"She, I'm sure, did it just to aggrivate you. She completely guessed which one of your random, unexplained, illogical moods that would put you in, and she did it just to prove herself right. What, if anything, do you want from her Isolde?" Jelle sounded aggrivated, as if she'd been getting somewhere for months and then finally realized she was back where she started.
Rebuked, Isolde blushed and turned away. "I don't know. Something I guess. She ignored me.."
"You ignore her." Jelle pointed out, and Isolde shook her head.
"That's different."
"I don't see how. Anyway, I must get back to the kitchens-there's some sort of meeting tonight amongst Weyrleaders and I must make sure they roast that wherry properly."
Jelle left, and Isolde fought back the wave of tears. Did no one care for her at all? No one understood....
A light scratching noise from the heart caught Isolde's attention enough to distract her from her thoughts.