He Wonders

 

 

Category: um, angst. L/R, L/OC

 

Disclaimer: They're not mine- I'm a poor and having fun... take pity...

 

Distribution: my site, WRFA, anywhere else please ask first :)

 

Summary: He realizes his past should mean nothing to him now; not when he has Jean’s solid friendship and Marie’s bone deep love, but at night he dreamed of someone he couldn’t remember in the morning…

 

Author's notes: I keep wanting to invent some tragic back-story for Logan, well, at least some tragic love story, but it always gets in the way of some good Logan/Marie lovin’! I’m hoping I can work out my frustrations here. Oh, and I know, the whole Jean thing… well, she kinda played well into the idea, and it’s clear that Logan doesn’t really dislike her all that much, so… yeah. Also, I guess it’s Post X-1 because she’s there, but there’s really no distinct timeline.

 

Feedback PLEASE at: [email protected] I love anything constructive! Blatant flames, however, will be disregarded and used to roast s'mores....

 

*~@~*

 

Marie hovered over Logan’s right shoulder, watching as Jean read the output from one of her machines.

 

“I’m fine,” Logan mumbled.

 

“Just let me finish Logan,” Jean said, a scowl across her face.

 

Marie said nothing, letting her eyes talk for her: deep pools filled with emotion over his latest near death experience. With a sigh he let them finish, unsure of all the emotions stirring within him. It was always hard to take down another lab.

 

As soon as Jean pulled off the diodes, he was off the table. Both women were sensible enough not to follow the Wolverine as he stalked off.

 

As Logan walked away he wondered, not for the first time, what drew him to these two women. Something about Jean’s composure, her calm regal style and methodical mind stirred his senses. Something about Marie’s ability to be sweet, her deep eyes, and her fire stirred his soul. It was as if… as if…

 

At night he dreamed of someone he couldn’t remember in the morning: a blurred out face that welcomed him home to a cookie-cutter military base house with an embrace that he longed for, morphing into cries of pain and terror as she’s pulled away from him, dragged across the floors of the lab as he kept away from her, his body unable to heal the horrors they’d inflicted upon him this time. When he wakes up in the cold sweats he can’t picture her face that he knows so well in the dream. No name rolls off of his tongue. The sweet sound of her voice fades into mystery stirred only by an errant piano cord now and again.

 

He wonders, not for the first time, what they really meant to each other.

 

He wonders, for the hundredth time, if she is dead.

 

He wonders, for the thousandth time, how badly they hurt her.

 

He wonders, for the millionth time, if he’d done his best to try to save her.

 

He wonders, every day now, if he should be trying to look for her, even though he can’t remember her.

 

He wonders, looking at Marie and Jean, if she had all the traits he admires in them. If her warm hugs and gentle kisses are more than just an illusion he’s created for himself.

 

And he wonders if she remembers him, or if he’s simply a nagging ghost of a memory, an unshaped face that haunts her dreams, too.

 

When he stops wondering, he realizes she’s been lost to experiments and to his mind’s own black hole of missing memories. He knows she’s been taken by time, too. She would have aged by now, moved on in the years between now and his battered memories of a long ago war. He realizes his past should mean nothing to him now; not when he has Jean’s solid friendship and Marie’s bone deep love.

 

He shouldn’t think about her when he climbs into their warm bed at night, but he does. Images of a lab from long ago linger with the sights and smells of the lab they’d infiltrated today, pulling the fragments of memory to the forefront. It makes the memories harder to escape tonight, even as he tries to lose himself into Marie’s body-length embrace.

 

He wonders, and he hopes, and he dreams that she’s found the peace in her own life that had eluded him until now.

 

And he wonders when he’ll learn to forget her.