» I was born another time and space. Distant cosmos driftwood of celestial-magnetic fields folding some strange current at the beach. If I told you all about my travels, would you be inclined to step out the door yourself? All the rules re-written. Faded ticket stubs and memories make this real. Familiar glow, now everpresent. Shapes and colors permeate the scenery. Disclosure of wisdom. Seeking endlessly.
» Five years seems so long ago to be happening right now. Spring daze when I stumbled into friends new and old, smoking a fortune in silver + gold. I'll let the story unfold:
» I was walking to ease my depression, wondering where she'd gone. On the green field outside our high school I ran into some kids I knew. We started talking and then I did a serpentine dance around some girls sitting nearby; I was courting Persephone. Then Ben and Erin went home. Alfred and I wanted weed; he had ten bucks and I got a dimesack off of D (who went to grammar school w/ me). Then we went back to Alfred's house, a place I hadn't been since I was a little kid. Familiar smells of old leather and years of pipe-smoking (though his father had now quit), some scent in that house that really was the start of this nostalgia I can't shake. We smoked out one of the old tobacco pipes, blaring Vivaldi and the Rolling Stones while I rattled the maraca I'd stolen from school.
» After a while Erin came over. We spoke awkwardly to each other, but I enjoyed searching people's minds. Then Cinta came over and she was very interested in me. I had never been with a girl before, so I didn't really understand. Erin actually interested my mind, but my heart was weak and ready for snatching.
» When I got home to my father's house that night I was excited about reconnecting with my childhood friend. I went up to my room, on the third floor, turned off the light and switched on the strobe, I stood on my bed spinning a wooden staff to the broken light. My father came upstairs and I told him whose house I had been at (the fact I had been puffin was nothing new.)
» On Monday I went to the high school after the kids got out, as was my habit, although I had been expelled for several months. When I walked through Harvard Yard, I saw some Interstate trucks, and looked for my friend John. His father worked for Interstate, and John often helped out illegally, but I could not find him. I was depressed. I went home to my mother's house. I wanted some weed but I realized I had left Tom's number at my father's house. So I walked to the bus stop and stood there, talking to myself out loud. The 77 bus takes me up Mass Ave to Harvard Square
And all around town you got
to take the number 77 is
how I tell you, uhhhh...
-from "Jolly Joseph" by Jacob Miller,
off the album Mix Up Moods
and then I walk further up Mass Ave into Central Square, where my father lived at the time. So I got the number and walked back to Harvard, where I ran into Mohammed and some of his friends. I had been good friends with Mo since 7th grade. He was from Somalia, and had lived in several countries in Africa and spoke about five languages. The group he was with that night, they were impressed by my insanity.
» "You wanna see me act crazy?", I teased. "Buy me a bottle of Robitussin." One of them agreed to my request, and I gulped 8 ounces down in Au Bon Pain, placing the empty bottle on the table of a couple having coffee as I left.
» Centuries of urban development cannot hide the truth about this town. Cambridge is a beautiful village of the American Soul. A gentle vortex of energy, with the psychic river of Mass Ave running through. This city I've grown up in could be the end of the universe, perched beside the mystery of Atlantis.
» That night I met a young man named Michael. He invited me on a walk, to smoke a blunt with a band of homeless youths. Graciously I accompanied this motley assortment, sharing stories of LSD and cough medicine. Michael jokingly told me he'd taken cough medicine 120 times. This figure wildly impressed me at the time; I've since lost count of my own use but hold an estimate between 300-400 times. [add another 20-30 since I wrote that line earlier this year]
» I discussed some of these memories yesterday with Erin, now my wife, and our friend Caleb. I can only ask God to bless all the people I once knew, as I start to shrug the heavy responsibility of resentment. Time heals wounds, but also gouges new ones.
» But that night time didn't exist., sitting on a trash can bumming smokes, listening to Ozzy on my discman. Michael asked to borrow my CD player for a few minutes to listen to his Christina Aguilera album. I agreed, under the terms that I would then get to listen to his CD, although at the time I didn't think much of Christina's music. That was to change.
» Several times I lost sight of Michael, paranoid this guy I just met would walk off with my CD player. Here I am a spoiled white kid, not offering enough trust to this guy who'd been kind enough to invite me in on their sesh. Oh well, I guess I trusted him enough, to let him use it in the first place.
» When he was done I got to hear Christina, for the first time with open ears from cough syrup. I had the immediate revelation, "This is the greatest music in the universe." After a while I returned the CD and started to walk home, once more listening to Ozzy. A no-shit, traveling punk asked me what I was listening to, and gave his approval to the Ozz-man...he also asked my name, and said that his son was named Gabriel (a popular name for babies these days it seems...) Walking down Mass Ave, this is when I got the impression of the vastness of Cambridge. I lay down in the park near my house for a few minutes with my eyes closed before finally going home. Then I listened to a symphonic rendition of Dvorak's Slavonic Dances in the dark, and space melted. Quite a different experience from the piano four hands version I initially fell in love with. I've never since seen the CD, or this Egyptian music that I listened to once with Erin and Cinta, at the library again.
» I should tell you a bit about the library before I go on. The Main Branch, right next to the high school (Cambridge Rindge and Latin or CRLS) where I used to go (along with Erin, Alfred etc...) It was the middle of my first Coricidin binge (see paeg C C+C)...I was expelled from CRLS several months before, and I had started going to Dearborn Academy in Arlington before dropping out on the second day when my teacher wouldn't let me listen to Appetite for Destruction in class. Anyway, as my parents tried to figure out what to do with me, and I prepared to live on the street, well, I would stay up all night, as I was on DXM every other day, in the morning I would get a coffee at the corner store near my Dad's house, and walk over to the Library/High School, screaming along to G'N'R on my headphones as I sipped the coffee...I showed up at the Library before it was open, before even the bums got there and started waiting for it to open (as I did, to read Antonin Artaud and Carlos Castaneda) before the students arrived at CRLS so I could talk to people I knew as they came in...I was in paradise during those Astral Weeks, when one day on Coricidin I heard my name spoken...I turned around and there was Johanna, who I had been thinking about recently.
» I was attracted to her pain, and even more to her freedom that was strong enough to withstand the pain...but then, I don't really know her. I talked my head (which I was out of) off and bummed endless Newports from her...was it a sign she liked me? Standing outside Broadway Market, Cinta walked by and told me I had no pupils at all! Then Johanna had to go back to class, and I went to my mother's house, to roll around on the floor and listen to Guns N Roses some more. I returned after school to buy a gram of weed and bring Johanna back to my father's house to smoke it.
» I went on a trip to Arizona with my mother in April 2001, fantasies I'd find Peyote and Bufo Alvarus toads...I wanted to trip! Already took two hits of acid earlier that week (the sun so bright the sky -- no buildings to obstruct, just experience that bright electromagnetic chaos), but then when I got back...
» The last night, I stayed up all night drinking coffee in the hotel room. I didn't eat or sleep for over 30 hours when we got back to town, I ran into someone in Harvard Square I thought he'd stopped dealing...I walked home up my street, found a half-empty beer can by the curb and drank it. I got upstairs to my room and put the 18 hits of acid in my mouth. As soon as I started chewing the walls began to glow in the ultra-violet spectrum and vibrate intensely, pulsing and shaking back and forth...
Fall 2002 or "Days in My Mind, Nights in the City; Love, Cheese and Crackers........."
» After months and months away from my friends, at the end of the Summer Cinta joined the Army and I was completely alone...until two good friends reached out to me.
» The first was Erin, now my wife, but at the time, our romance was forbidden (and predicted) by Cinta's jealousy...anyway, in August Erin and Laurel came by my house (while I was deep in isolation writing an earlier version of this book) and I let Erin come in, to give me some birthday presents (slightly late, but then considering we didn't talk to each other....and I wanna say I'm still pissed and disappointed in my will, for letting me bow in submission to the first girl to show an interest, no matter how cruel she became, but yet I'm proud at my ability for love and compassion unconditional, my reverence of women which unfortunately became fear, insecurity, inadequacy. I needed the time away from my friends though, whether Cinta was good to me, the period of sobriety helped...anyway close paren, Erin gave me some presents including a picture of Axl Rose I had told people a year ago that I wanted, and she remembered, now I am looking at it on my wall in this Autumn of 2006 as I type...my heart opened slightly that day when she came over...
» The second was Alfred, who dropped by at lunch or after school I forget, but he came and saw me on my first day of school, my fifth and final year, at the time back at CRLS...he'd been on a road trip with his father, had dinner with Benicio del Toro, and he also had presents for me...I believe he burned me "Some Girls", Roy Orbison's Black and White Night, and Os Mutantes....
» In school lonely the new story began...Days in My Mind....and then I started slipping, turning back to cough medicine gradually until I lost control.
» Erin and I were talking about that time the other night...when God brought us together and even earlier the first time you see it something unexpected like when we were in English class together, Erin and I (and John and Owen, Tristan, Chino...) she would leave class all the time because of social anxiety...I was inspired, similarly crippled by anxiety, to see that I could assert my emotional needs and leave class when necessary...or, after a while, I would leave whenever I felt like it.
» Then some of us were split off into a new group, taught by Emily...when John and I saw her outside of class the first time, we wondered jokingly if she was the teacher, assuming she was a student. We wouldn't mind her leaning forward to talk to another student with her back to us, those tight brown pants on...Erin wore similar pants, I remember...Julian and I both noticed her back pockets as she walked away...and tight shirts her ample breasts attractive, a girl you wanted to talk to...she wasn't in Emily's class, no, but her best friend Cinta was, who had just moved back to Cambridge...she dressed -- you might say provocatively, I'd say, disgustingly -- and she was quite loud and obnoxious -- noxious -- poison...Erin my sweet, sweet medicine, this is neither here nor there, get back to our romance
which we tried several times
making out at Alfred's, we tried to have intercourse
again drunk at Julian's,
the time we took cough syrup together (her first) comes to mind, as when I started falling in love with her...
but our romance began that Fall, I recall...I took the syrup one night, after a long sobriety...I made plans to meet up w/ Erin and David...David's house was a few blocks from mine, so we met at Friendly Corner and walked to Porter Square...David had just broken up with Mary over the phone, or was about to...he was scared, (she was older and very tough -- people called her Scary Mary, although she wasn't scary to me, but she had piercings and like I said was tough) I was not scared, I was high on DXM, and happy to be with friends...when Erin found out I was on cough meds, she secretly (to David and I) went into CVS for Robitussin DM...a product I have also told Everett several times, is both more unhealthy and less effective than Maximum Strength...but anyway, we went back to David's house and stayed up all night, Erin eventually disclosing her state, and taking a long patient time to sew a patch onto the hood of David's hoody...
» You awoke from that nightmare to find you couldn't fall asleep. It had always been like this. For a brief moment you thought it was getting better. I could've told you otherwise, but where was your head? Gone on errands, I suppose. I tried to warn you, just like you tried to be the good guy. You never wanted to hurt her, you said. You never wanted to hurt yourself. Then how'd you get here, masochist? Take the time and learn from your neighbors, and the animals who simply walk around the shopping mall. A surrealist's heaven is this romantic's hell. At least I get to write it all down...I gave up on you a long time ago, you know. By the way, you don't got a cigarette, do you? I'd sure like one just about now. Enough to send you into the city tonight. You can't escape the trained mind of a scientist's stare, 'case you were wondering. I'll find you. Just give me some time. Just give me some time, just give me some time. That's what you always used to say. Then one day reality said, "See ya." I wouldn't wanna be ya. Not that I'm complaining. You've done a lousy job so far. Why don't you just go ahead keep fucking things up for everyone? It is what you're good at. You fucking piece of shit. Fuck your scheme for world domination. You couldn't conquer the cold aisle at your local CVS/Pharmacy waiting to pick up 60 .5mg Klonopin, but at least maybe then you'd fall asleep. And wake up in the ER again. Good riddance to your existence. I hate you, I really do. Well, maybe you're alright sometimes. But I'm not giving in to your tricks. No pity from me. When I pick that gunk off the bottom of my sneakers, I feel a wee bit of sympathy; not for you. You wasted my life. Now I'm wasting you. So get ready. You lean up in bed and reach for the drink that isn't there. You dial the phone, but no one answers. And still you're surprised. I can't believe you. If I hadn't created you I'd swear you didn't exist. They told me I was nuts. I told them it was you. They still don't believe me. You stumble to the bathroom to take a piss. You glance into the mirror. You see my face. But no one cares anymore. Your cold body collapses to the ground. I step out of the mirror and take the last cigarette from behind your ear. I put it between my lips, and walk over to your kitchen. I flip on the front-right burner, hold my hair back, and dip the fag into the flames. I suck the smoke into my lungs as you burn in hell. That's right, motherfucker, I exhale. You've never seen anything like me before. I'm glad we met.
» Gabe#2's funeral was brief. Eldro gave the speech. He talked about how fucked up they'd gotten last Tuesday...or Thursday. Oh wait, that was this morning; G2 wasn't there at all. I think maybe I was with Debba drinking cough syrup and eating Saltines- Eldro continued, but everyone had already gone home, so he headed off to the bar to tell his story to someone who might give a shit...that's a big 'might'.
» Did you hear? The new Gabe2004 model's coming out. I'll surely be replaced as obsolete. But that's what time does to us every instant. You can never step into the same river once. Some God must have mercy on me, and spare me extinction. Right? What if eternity stopped here? Well, it does. I know that I can move in any direction I want. That 2004's got nothing on me. I won't be replaced. I'll be here forever. I shall achieve immortality. I'm that kind of a guy. Seriously, what would they do without me? How would the universe operate, since I brought it into existence. What's that you say? It can go on without it's creator? But how? Through the sustainer and the destroyer- the voices continue, but no one's there. I must be hearing things. Or rather, reading things. I'm always reading into things too much. Maybe I'm just a regular guy. No, no...I am a God. I am God. I am, therefore the world. I think, therefore existence. No, somebody definitely is here. I can tell, they're getting closer. Let me type out their footsteps tap-tap-tap someone's knocking on the door now they're approaching me and, no you can't take me away I told you I'm immortal. I thought up all this nonsense in the first place. You owe me your lives. -Gee, thanks. Congratulations on that whole big bang thing. But now, if you don't mind, I'm afraid you must come with us. The new 2004 model is ready to be put on the market. You're through, don't you see?
» I just drank 8 ounces of Maximum Strength CVS brand Tussin...it's been 27 months since I drank cough syrup (I've been a wuss and only taken the pills, which are worse for you and get you less high for the money but don't have that unmistakably awful taste) I puked up some of it but I hope it doesn't affect the distance I travel...I remember that stuff'll take you all the way...you've probly read 'bout how my mommy gave me Triaminic as a child, I also remember the first time she gave me Robitussin when I was older I thought it was horribly disgusting. But then one day, six and a half years ago, in February of 2000.....it was less than a week since I had first smoked weed, so my mind was opened and ready to be wider...I was on the internet, on erowid.org (now www.erowid.com I believe) reading about different drugs...my friend had told me how ill acid and mushrooms were, and I wanted to trip. I saw different drug names I had never heard of, and clicked on DXM, thinking it must be some rare designer drug.
» In fact, DXM stands for dextromethorphan hyrdrobromide, the active ingredient in many cough medicines. They used to put codeine, but too many people took it to get high, so they replaced it with DXM. It must not have taken very long for people to figure out what that did to ya....my thought was, "You mean you can get high drinking Robitussin? Far out!" expecting it to be a lame high, certainly not approximating the weirdness of pot. I walked the two or three blocks to CVS in Arlington (my mother's house is close to the Arlington border in Cambridge) and purchased one 8 oz. bottle of CVS Maximum Strength Tussin (being cheaper than Robitussin brand, but having the same ingredients, 15 mg DXM per serving, the highest concentration in any cough syrup, and without additional dangerous ingredients...definitely avoid taking high doses of anything with acetominophen.)
Goodybe��..to sweet, sweet medicine
I hope we'll still be friends�����
Goodybe��..to sweet, sweet medicine
until that cough comes back again��..
» Well, goodbye for now (its been almost four months!) but what a tale to tell�
T» hat first time was crazy�.after drinking the entire 8oz bottle, which took 45 minutes (I needed long breaks between sips), I waited for hours with nothing happening�I really didn't expect much to happen�then I went outside for a walk. It was hard to put my sneakers on, feeling like I was drunk and stoned at the same time. I walked one block to the bus stop, threw my can of Sprite into the trash can (I could never figure out if this memory existed, whether this event actually occurred) and now, the universe having slowed down, walked back home.
» John�John, who was that? John was my best friend�he seemed far from my mind, everything familiar seemed to belong to someone else, not me�the lights off, my mother and sister in bed, I turned the TV on, closed my eyes and wandered through the house, viewing a different room of bright colors with a different layout, climbing under a hallucinated table and banging into a real one in external reality�fumbling around with my eyes closed, until my mother came out and wondered what was going on�.
» The next morning I didn't feel so good�that was February 2000, and I only had one more memorable DXM trip before the Fall�watching Apocalypse Now, quite losing my mind, I realized the logical necessity of reincarnation
and I am the reincarnation of Jim Morrison and, well, you just can't get acid like you could in the 60's, and that's a good thing or I would have abused a lot more than I did, as it is when I flipped out on 16 hits, that was CRAZY!!! but Jim, you didn't drink the cough syrup, no you never 'tussed, 400-500 times like me
brain fried
severe atrophy
help me
this story continues
Five years seems so long ago to be born another time and space.
Six years now...
the fragile heart of last Spring when I wrote this story
that magical Spring where it all happened
May, 2007
what strange magic was in the air
when I met them
Johanna had sat on my bed
I was up all night masturbating
7 in the morning MTV
sad, I walked to the high school
and found my friends
Alfred, Erin, and Ben sat there on the grass
Alfred and I sat there puffing on the grass
now Erin and I spend each day insane in marriage,
the soft hours our boys cry like Spring rain
rewind back to 2001, Autumn...
The Cast Party
» I asked if anyone wanted some chicken. Only Jason said yes. So, for the two of us, I took the frozen, breaded chicken wings, and drumsticks, sprinkled them with pre-shredded cheese, and put it in the microwave.
» I went upstairs. On the second floor a line had formed outside my Father's study where some girl was giving head. I went up to my room with Eric and Bill. Eric normally charged me money for weed, but since I was hosting the party, he rolled a joint to share in my bedroom. I showed Bill how to smash hockey sticks and baseball bats through the walls of my room.
» Right as Eric was lighting the joint, Jason tried to come in the door. I wanted him to get the fuck out, there were too many heads on the joint already. I tried to push the door shut against his body weight, but he forced the door open and announced that the Police were downstairs.
» Alright! What a party! Before any real drug or alcohol use began, the Police were there to break it up.
» Peter had poured some peppermint shnapps into a big bottle of Gatorade. I drank from the bottle as I spoke with the police.
» Upstairs, Bill was still trying to smash the walls.
Jason said, "Dude, not with Po' in the house!"
» We came upstairs, the police and I, and they saw the horror of my bedroom. Plaster dust everywhere. The chessboard sticking out of the wall.
» They took me to the station. My mom came and got me and I walked away from her and went to Julian's house to reunite with members of my party.
» When I came back to the house a few days later, I looked into the microwave and found the cold chicken with congealed cheese covering it.
