Why?

By Donna

Duncan escorted Sarah Jo into her house, carrying for her the basket that contained the calico mother cat and her colorful brood of kittens.  Doc had mumbled something about checking up on her in the morning, and had driven the surrey towards the stable. 

“Where would you like them?” he asked as he closed the door behind him.  

“My room,” she said, her chin quivering a little.  She didn’t understand why Doc seemed so distant to her.  “It will be fun to watch them romp around.” She walked slowly up the stairs with Duncan at her side.  

He put the basket down in the corner of her bedroom and then very slowly and tenderly took Sarah Jo into his arms. “It will be okay, my sweet. I’m here for you. Doc will be too. He just needs time to sort things out in his head.” 

The pretty little nurse nodded. “I need a bath,” she said as she leaned into his hug, hiding her face against his muscular chest. “Why don’t you round up some food for Patches and a sand box for her to use.  If you want, you can go get you something to eat at the hotel.  I don’t think I’ll be able to eat much, if anything.” 

“You need to eat something, Sarah Jo. Maybe some soup? I can bring us back some.” 

She nodded without any real enthusiasm, and then gathered some clean clothes to put on after she bathed and then went into the bathroom to run her bath. Once Duncan was sure she would be okay alone in the house, he went on his errands. 

He stopped by the Hotel first, and asked Lupe for some nourishing soup to take back to Sarah Jo as well as something good for a nursing cat with a large litter of kittens. Lupe told him she would fix him up with what he needed, and if he would come back in a little bit, she would also have some fresh baked homemade bread to go with their dinner. The Highlander thanked her, and then went in search of something to use for a litter box. 

He located what he was looking for, and then took it back to Sarah Jo’s house.  Knocking on the bathroom door, he asked how she was doing. 

“I’m fine,” Sarah Jo replied. “Just soaking away all the dust from the road.” Duncan told her that he was heading back over to the Hotel to pick up their dinner and the food for the cat. 

Sarah Jo listened for the sound of his footsteps going away and the distant muffled closing of the front door before rising up out of the bathtub and drying off. She put on clean underclothes, and then wrapped her robe around her before heading back to her bedroom. Once there, she debated either going ahead and dressing for bed, or to put on a clean dress. As she puttered around in her wardrobe, looking for something to wear, she came across the carefully folded novice’s habit that she had put aside for good after her trip to the monastery.  

Sarah Jo froze, then with trembling hands, clutched it to her breasts. The tears she had been struggling to hold back all day overflowed. 

“Why?” she sobbed. “Why, God? Was I being punished for making the wrong decision? For choosing not to take my final vows? Or for loving two men? Why, God, why???”  

When Duncan returned a few minutes later accompanied by one of the priests who had asked if he could come talk to her; they found her weeping uncontrollably, her face buried into the novice’s habit she had been wearing when she had arrived on Edan. Not knowing what else to do, Duncan gathered her into his arms and just held her, making soft, reassuring noises. 

It made Philip's heart ache to see her like that; she was normally such a cheerful, helpful person. Although he knew they weren't supposed to ask why certain things happened of their Lord, he asked Him anyway - this should never have happened.  

To Duncan, he asked softly, "Duncan, do y'think it might be possible for Sarah and I to have a word alone?" 

Duncan kissed the top of Sarah Jo's head. "Sure," he said. "Why don't you go fix the two of you some tea, and after I help her get dressed, I'll bring her down to the sitting room where you can talk." The priest nodded and left them. He was just bringing the tea into the sitting room when the two of them came down the stairs. Sarah Jo had stopped crying, but she was white faced and silent as they entered the room. "I won't be far," he promised, and then after kissing her, he left, closing the door behind him. 

After pouring for the two of them, Philip settled next to Sarah Jo on the sofa. He of course knew that she'd come close to being a nun, and said softly to her "Y'mustn't think that God is punishin' you for not takin' your final vows. This was in no way any fault of yours. I used to think th' same thing, that it was my fault someone I cared for a great deal died because of me, though a lot of soul searchin' and friends like Derek and Nick have me almost convinced it wasn't. I need a bit more work, but they're very stubborn." A bittersweet smile appeared on his lips, then faded. Maybe telling this girl about his own demons that he'd carried for so long would help her face her own. 

 Sarah Jo covered her face with her hands, struggling not to start crying again. "I'm sorry," she said, then wiped her eyes." It must have been horrible for you. I..., I was so happy when...," she stopped, unable to put into words the grief she felt at losing the baby that was just beginning its life inside of her.  

Philip put his arm around her and comforted her close, hugging her gently as he said softly, "And I wouldn't think it too impossible that God sends th' soul of your son or daughter right back to you, to complete their journey into this world as th' child of a very loving mother and father. I'll bet he or she is just waiting for ya, watching you from above and waiting for their time to return to you. It will happen, Sarah Jo; we priests know these things." This time the gentle smile he gave her stayed, so she could draw strength from it. 

She was quiet for a moment, then she spoke in a soft whisper. "Could this have been a punishment for being with two men? And not waiting until marriage?" She knew as an immortal, marriage was not always a good thing. The pain of losing a mortal mate would be too horrible, and with the game, marriage between two immortals was usually not a good idea.  

He felt his heart ache again at seeing the pain and doubt in her eyes; he recognized it from the times he'd seen it in his own, after Ellen's death. He chose his words carefully, and asked her, "Sarah, were you happy, caring for Ben and Duncan enough to be able to share yourself with them in this special way?" He watched her intently. 

"Yes," she sobbed. "I never regretted being with either one. But now.... now I just feel dirty... unclean..."  

 He hugged her a little tighter, not letting her guilt start to eat at her again, before he continued, "Then you've no reason to feel either one of those things. God wants us to be happy; remember, it was He who gave us the ability to love. When you found that happiness with those two men, and the child created from it, I'm sure He was rejoicing right along with you. But things happen that we can't know the reason for; I'm sure He felt the same anguish seeing His own son die on the cross that you feel over losing your son or daughter _ He was a parent too. There is evil in this world just as there is good, and sometimes, try as we might to stop it, it gains the upper hand, temporarily. And when it does, although it might be the hardest thing we've ever had ta do, no matter what it costs us, we must not let it win permanently, or else it truly has beaten us. We must learn ta go on; it's in this way that we triumph over that evil, once and for all. I had someone teach me that a little over nine years ago, a wonderful fellow priest of mine named John Murphy, and I'm passing it on to you in the hopes that it'll help you the same way it did me. When Ellen died, he showed me that it was not my fault, even though she'd done it when I told her I was taking my final vows; the problem was within her own heart. Each of us has the power to control our own lives, and I'd like you, as one friend to another, to not let this stop you from taking back control of your own; to go on and become that loving mother, and see your child or children grow up and make you a grandmother, in time. You've a rich, full life ahead of you, Sarah Jo; all you have to do is reach out and take it, and not let anything keep you from it." He looked into her sweet face again, wordlessly handing her his handkerchief for her tears. 

She wiped her eyes and then took a deep breath, letting what he had told her sink into her heart. "Thank you Father for those words," she said. She was still hurting from the loss, but she was beginning to feel the overpowering weight of guilt start to lift from her heart. "Could you pray for me now?" 

He felt his own heart lighten at the sight of the help he'd given her taking effect, and he smiled, "I will, if you will pray with me." They both bowed their heads, and together recited the Lord's Prayer and, in a special appeal to the one who speaks for mothers everywhere, the Hail Mary. When they were done, he reached into his pocket and drew out a rosary; handing it to her, he said softly, "Whenever you feel as though things are getting too much for you once again, I want you to recite your prayers on this. It was given to me by Father John on the day I took my final vows, and it has been a symbol of strength for me ever since then. Would ya do that for me, Sarah? You will be in my prayers every night, I promise you that. We'll do this together." 

Tears threatened to overflow again as he took her into his arms and hugged her. It would take a while, but he was sure she would be alright. Especially if he, the other priests, her two lovers, and the rest of her friends here on Edan were there to support and be with her during the healing process.