Nights were the hardest to deal with. Katherine Dixon managed to keep her days full, falling into the role of the cheerful, industrious little worker doing her part to insure their continued survival on this new world. Rising before dawn, she began to work, continuing with hardly a break all through the day and well into the night.

A foot powered treadle sewing machine had been found, as well as a spinning wheel and weaving loom. Using some of the cloth that was stockpiled in the mercantile, she made dresses and shirts to measure for any of Edan’s residents that needed them.

But looking to the day when that stockpile might be depleted, Katherine borrowed one of the now green broken mounts that had been brought into town, and rode out to Farmer Grey’s place. He had just sheared some of the sheep, so he bagged up the fleece for her and she took it back to town where she and Sarah Jo started to the arduous process of carding the wool to prepare it to be spun. There were a few dyes in the mercantile, but the selection was limited, so Katherine started to gather natural materials to use for dying the wool once it was spun.

Canning jars, lids and paraffin were abundant, so Katherine also started to put up preserves of the different fruits and vegetables that were ripe. She found a couple of bee hives and harvested the honey, and made a thick, rich molasses type of syrup out of some sorghum type of grain that she found in a nearby field. Some of the people exploring the area brought back samples of a sugar cane type of plant that could also be used to make a sweetener.

Wheat, rye, corn and oats were plentiful. The ladies were able to coarse grind the wheat and other grains for making bread, using for yeast a sourdough starter that had to be kept fed and growing. There were also plenty of root vegetables to be found, such as potatoes, yams, carrots and turnips. Bushes full of either fruit, bean or pea pods were also available, and part of the daily chores for anyone not occupied with something more important was to go and gather food.

With all that needed to be done, Katherine’s days and evenings were busy. She would stay up well past midnight, quietly spinning or sewing. When her eyes no longer focused, she would finally crawl into her lonely bed. Methos was pre-occupied with things, and when she and Duncan had tried a repeat engagement, they had ended up fighting when he had accused her of only wanting to be with him because of Connor’s quickening rattling around in his head. So, Katherine was left feeling even more alone than ever at a time in her life when she desperately needed someone.

Even when she did crawl into bed, sleep never came easy. More than one night, she never slept at all. And when she did drift off to sleep, the nightmares caused it to be anything but restful. She would wake, tears streaming down her face and sobbing quietly.

It was one of those nights where despite being almost totally exhausted, sleep continued to elude her. Sitting in the middle of her bed, hugging her knees to her chest, Katherine battled with the ghosts haunting her life. After several hours, Katherine gave up. Rising from the bed, she dressed again and quietly slipped out of the house. The town was dark. No one else was awake at that ungodly hour of the morning.

Katherine walked up and down the streets of Edan, feeling more lost and alone than she had ever felt in her entire life. Eventually her mindless wanderings led her to the front door of the little mission, and she let herself in.

The church was dark except for the faint flickering of the remains of a few candles. Crossing over to the small altar, Katherine lit another and then knelt down to pray.

After awhile, Katherine fell quiet, tears trickling down her face as she stared at the flickering candles. "Oh Connor, me love, why did ye leave me?" she whispered, lapsing back into a soft Scottish brogue. "God, I miss you so much. Yer dyin’ left me adrift without a reason to live." Her quiet sobs filled the silence of the chapel.

For a long while, she said no more, just continued to weep in the darkness. After awhile, she sighed deeply, trying to get herself together. "Duncan told me that he buried you with your bonny Heather. I can only pray that you’re finally at peace, my valiant Captain. Lord knows I have no peace of my own right now," she added, her accent fading away. "He is a good soul, your man Duncan is. But I think you knew that already. But what you made him do has torn out a piece of his heart as well, even though he knows why it had to be so. And since he has the knowing of it, eventually there will come acceptance. At least for him."

She shook her head and laughed sadly. "I laid with him one day, Connor, and in the doing so, I think I managed to give him a wee bit of peace. And for a short time, it helped take away a portion of the hurt from my own heart as well."

She fell back into silence again and wiped her wet face with the back of her hand as she heard the soft sound of footsteps behind her. There was no warning buzz, so she knew it wasn’t Sarah Jo following her. Whoever it was, she really didn’t want her emotional turmoil to intrude onto that person as well, so she ran through her mind, slamming shut all the doors on her pain and loneliness.

Father Alec wasn’t fooled though. It was his business to know when someone was hurting. The priest paused at the back of the church as the rising sun peeed through the stained glass windows, waiting for her to get her composure back before approaching.

"Would you like someone to pray with you?" he asked, gently putting his hand on her shoulder. He felt her flinch and stiffen for a moment before she relaxed.

"Thank you Father," she said with a shake of her head. "But there is nothing you or anyone else can really help me with. It’s just something I have to work out on my own."

"It’s not good to cut yourself off from others who would like to help you, my child," he said softly.

"I’m not a child," Katherine mumbled. "Although I have to admit I am acting like one. I should gird my loins so to speak and stop feeling sorry for myself. Life goes on. Etc. Etc." She tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice, but failed.

The priest dropped to his knees beside her. "Katherine, look at me," he said firmly. She glanced up at him with pain-filled eyes. "You are right. You’re not a child. You are a 430 year old woman who has lost someone who has been the other half of your heart for most of your life. It’s normal to grieve. It’s also normal to want to reach out to someone to be comforted in your grief." The way her body jerked for a brief moment told him he had hit a raw nerve dead on.

"I tried that," she said, closing her eyes so she didn’t have to look into his face. She knew that they weren’t her beloved, but every time she saw Father Alec or Gideon, it just added to her sense of loss. "But afterwards, I just felt guilty." She sighed deeply. "Maybe it would have been better if that guy chasing me down the alley had caught me. It would have been over then. Sometimes I wonder if I had a way of ending it right here and now, if I wouldn’t be tempted to do myself in."

Father Alec shook his head. "If you were of that mind, you wouldn’t have run away from the man bent on killing you, now would you have?"

Katherine sighed. Even hurting the way she was, she wasn’t the suicidal type. The will to survive still ran strong and deep. But it was tempting. Extremely tempting. All she had to do was go to the other side of the river. Surely one of the men over there would be more than delighted to end her pain once and for all.

"Father," she said slowly, "would you be after hearin’ me confession now?"

The priest looked at her intently. Was she asking for absolution so that she could find a way to bring her life to a close? Something in the desperation that he saw in her sky blue eyes told him that she was. "No. I won’t. Not if you are going to walk out of here and try to find a way to die. I’ll not be a party to that. Katherine, we need you here. God put you here on this world for a purpose. All of us for that matter. You may not know what it is, but there is a reason. Will you give Him a chance to bring whatever He has planned to a complete fulfillment in your life?" He reached out and squeezed her hand in support.

Katherine’s eyes closed, tears running down her cheeks as she wrestled with her inner self. The priest waited patiently beside her, sending up silent prayers on her behalf that in the end she would choose life. After awhile, without a word, she stood up and walked away from him, head down. But to Father Alec’s surprise, she didn’t head for the door. Instead she went over to the side of the church where a small, upright piano sat.

Sitting down on the stool, Katherine sat there for several long minutes before she began to play. And then she sang. Her words were so soft he almost couldn’t hear them, but as she sang, she seemed to draw strength from them. Father Alec knew as he listened, that she meant them with all her heart.

As the last notes of the song faded away, Father Alec had to wipe a film of moisture from his own eyes. The meaning of the promise that she was making with those words touched his heart deeply.

Katherine looked up from the piano and managed a smile. "Thank you," she said softly. "I already knew this deep inside of me of course, but I guess I just needed a reminder." She stood up to leave.

"I’m here if you need me. Anytime, night or day," the priest said gently as he made the sign of the cross on her forehead. "Go with God, Katherine Dixon. He will never fail you."