Chapter 4:

 

Forgiven

 

 

"How many times shall I forgive my brother..." ~ Matthew 18:21

 

 

I don't understand this. I just don't. None of it makes any sense whatsoever. It all happened so quick. One minute he's here with us, and the next we're on a break out of nowhere while he's in complete other state getting the help he's needed to get for at least the last year.

 

He's getting help. And I know it's what had to happen eventually. But why do I feel so crappy about it then? God, I'm so screwed up right now. I didn't even talk to him before he left, 'cause I just had to shoot of my mouth and clock him one the day before... Why am I so damn stupid?

 

I mean, Kev got all on AJ's case anyway within the next couple of days. Why did I think it was so damn important to go off on him right then? And now my hand's busted and AJ's gone...We all hope he'll be back in a couple more weeks but it's hard to know for sure.

 

Stupid basketball game. I'm such an ass-hole. Okay so we were all playin' around the other day. Me, Bri, and AJ anyway. And we had to like, drag Aje out to the court, 'cause he'd been in a pissy mood since forever. But Brian thought it'd be good if we'd include him, maybe it'd get his mind off crap.

 

So we're out there, me and Bri are just shootin' bricks, 'cause we thought it'd be fun if we let Aje kick our asses. Thought maybe he'd get a kick out of it and wanna hang out more instead of being by himself all the damn time.

 

Well, needless to say, it wasn't working out at all how we thought. AJ wasn't with us five minutes before he wanted to bail and go "chill." I don't know what happened, then. I just went off--started cussing him out, calling him names and telling him all this shit that isn't even true. Let's just say what Kevin said was mild compared to what I said.

 

And the next thing I knew, I hit him. Punched him so hard that my hand got broken. It knocked him back a few steps. But the worst part about it is that he just kinda stood there and looked at me... God, he's the one with the temper, he shoulda hit me back! But he just stood there and stared at me, his eyes tearing from the blow... And then he just kinda walked away.

 

I was working up the guts to apologize when he came to us a week ago or so and told us that he needed to go and get help. I never said a word to him after hit him...I just let him get on the damn plane and didn't say so much as a word to him!

 

Anyway, I haven't done shit for more than a week now. I feel like such an idiot. The only one that knows what I did is Brian, and he's not even brought it up. He just kinda shook his head when I did it and went after AJ... It's probably a good thing that he did.

 

A couple more days, and guess what? Yep. I still haven't done much of anything. I always say how much I'd love to just relax for a day, but I never wanted it to happen under these circumstances. But... I feel like even more of an ass right now, 'cause a couple hours back, AJ called.

 

I always figured if he were gonna call one of us it'd be Howie. I mean, why the hell would he wanna say anything to me? But he did I guess. I feel so shitty. It makes me guilty to think about and more guilty to write it. He called...because he wanted to apologize.

 

He wanted to apologize, and I’m the one who pounded him and cussed him out. He was like, "Nicky, listen. You had every right to hit me and say what you did. I've been a prick, dude. And I'm sorry." I just kinda sat there like a retard and started telling him how he shouldn't be sorry, and I was the prick, but he just told me to shut up and hear him out. He didn't just say sorry for that, but for everything. For letting things get so out of hand and for not handling stuff better. I couldn't speak. I was done.

 

I can't tell ya what, but something about him was different. He sounded a hell of a lot happier, for one thing. A couple weeks ago, I woulda never heard him tell me I was in the right for punching him, or offering an apology where none was expected. But he did. I don't know what it is about that place, but whatever it is, I want some dude. He seems so cool with himself now, and happy. I just feel like an ass.

 

AJ, man, if you ever find this...I'm sorry, too. I hope you know that.