Chapter 4

When Brian and Nick came back to the hospital, the activities we were submerged in were a hell of a lot more interesting than blackjack. I don’t know which of us they saw first, me or Kevin. But we were both a little surprised to see them.

It was only 1:30am.

Brian and Nick had agreed to two-hour shifts. Even if we had gotten to the hospital at midnight they would have had to be there at 2:00am. Either way, they were early. And they looked nervous…

“What’s going on?” Nick asked immediately before he had even taken a step inside the waiting room. He closed the distance in eight quick strides, his blue eyes shining with borderline hysteria. His eyes were red… He had been crying? Nick? Nick never cried. And I seriously mean never. He didn’t even cry when his grandmother died a few years back… To see his eyes so red was a definite eye-opener. Then it hit me.

They knew something we didn’t.

Kevin stood up, concerned. “What’s wrong?”

Brian came up next to Nick with a hesitant step. He didn’t so much as make eye contact with me. He just looked directly at Kevin. “What’s going on?” he repeated Nick’s question for him.

I frowned and stood also, knowing something was up. I tried to catch Brian’s eye, since he was obviously the one more in control at the moment. Nick was shaking. Brian stared expectantly at his cousin, completely blocking me out of his view. Though for a split second, he glimpsed at me. That one look was enough to get me scared.

“Wait,” Kevin said, confused. “Why’re you here so early?”

Brian frowned. The tables had been turned. Now it was Frick and Frack who were confused. “We got a call at the hotel that something went wrong?”

I sat down, hard.

~From the journal of A.J. McLean

<~*~>

It was late the next morning when the sedatives finally wore off. Howie would have gone crazy with terror if he had woken up alone in a hospital room. Luckily, it was Brian and A.J.’s shift, since A.J. refused to leave the hospital. After Howie’s immediate surgery the night before, they had had to sedate him further, making positively sure that he wouldn’t wake up until the aftershock in his body had worn off.

Brian noticed Howie awake first. Howie was shocked at both of his friends’ appearances. They both looked as though they hadn’t slept. He had a sneaking feeling he was right. Momentarily he forgot he had lost his voice and tried to say “hey”. He was fleetingly panicked when his throat burned at the attempt, then the realization sunk in, and his face fell. It hadn’t been a dream. It hadn’t been some horrible nightmare… It had been reality.

His voice was gone.

<~*~>

I know it seems really weak to cry, but I was scared. I lost my voice… It was part of my soul. Have you ever lost part of your soul? I didn’t think so.

I sing for a living, but it’s more than that. It’s what I use for, well, I don’t know. Reassurance? Something like that… It’s like what kept me sane all these years. I dealt with things by leaning on music. It’s like how the others relied on me. When I had no one to turn to, the music was always there for me. Now it’s gone. The music inside me died.

Brian tried to convince me they would fix it, that they’d get rid of whatever was causing this. I don’t care what he says. In my mind, I’m going to be mute forever. I heard what the doctors said outside my door. They thought I was sleeping. They said my voice box was completely disintegrated. Then why am I even alive? Isn’t my voice box indispensable? I don’t even care anymore. Out of anything that could happen to me, this is the worst. Now I can’t sing… I can’t even talk. Paralysis would be better. At least then I could sing.

But I can’t. I suppose I should try and accept it. That’s what Kevin told me. He told me I had to get on with my life. What life? My life was music. And now that’s gone.

He said, “Howie, listen. I know this is hard for you. Just don’t think about the future. Just think about now. You need to move on. There’s nothing you can do.”

Kevin, ever the realist… It may seem harsh, but I needed to hear someone tell me the truth. Everyone else was masking it, making it sound like it wasn’t that bad. They tried to tell me everything would go back to the way it was before. We’d go back to the studio and finish “Drowning”. We’d go on with the tour…we’d do this…we’d do that… But everyone knew nothing would be the same again.

But everyone is too afraid of letting me break.

~From the journal of Howie Dorough

<~*~>

Five months later…

“I don’t know what else we can do for him, Mr. and Mrs. Dorough,” Dr. Raymond said, shrugging. “The infection is dormant, and has been so for several months. We’ll keep a close eye on him, of course, but I don’t see the need for him to stay here any longer.”

Paula nodded reluctantly. “But what is it?” she persisted, wringing her hands.

Dr. Raymond sighed. “We believe it is some kind of cancerous specimen…”

“But you told us it wasn’t cancer,” Hoke argued.

“It isn’t,” Dr. Raymond agreed.

“Then what is it?” both parents asked exasperatedly.

Dr. Raymond shook his head. “I’m afraid we don’t have much more than what we found out two months ago.”

“What did you find out two months ago?”

Dr. Raymond, Hoke, and Paula turned around quickly to find Howie standing in the doorway, watching on curiously. His friends stood behind him. A.J. stood next to his friend, speaking on Howie’s behalf. Howie waited for an answer, crossing his arms across his chest, signaling his determination.

“Tell him,” A.J. said forcefully. “I think he has a right to know, don’t you?” He directed the question at Dr. Raymond pointedly. Dr. Raymond knew he, Howie, and the rest of the group were tired of being lied to. Now they wanted answers.

Kevin flanked him. A.J. was Howie’s supporter. Kevin was restrainer to both. Brian and Nick hung back, watching on with peaceable eyes. They weren’t part of this argument…not yet.

Dr. Raymond frowned. “Well, Howie… Two months ago your infection stopped…well, moving. Living, I suppose.”

Howie’s eyes widened.

Kevin was confused. “Wait, it was alive?”

A.J. moved closer to Howie, frowning curiously. It was a reminder to the doctor that if he didn’t say anything more, A.J. would beat it out of him. That is, if Kevin didn’t knock Raymond senseless first.

Dr. Raymond cast a wary expression at A.J. and looked at Kevin. “We believe so. But it isn’t anymore.”

A.J. narrowed his eyes. “Or so you think.” His band mates looked at him oddly. “Just because it didn’t do anything for three months doesn’t mean it’s dead,” he explained.

Howie shot him a terrified look as if to say, “Thanks a lot! That helps!”

A.J. gave him a reassuring expression, but couldn’t think of anything to say to right what he said. He knew Howie wouldn’t listen to a story anymore, so he wouldn’t waste his breath lying. Especially when Howie knew him well enough to know when he lied and told the truth.

“I don’t think it would be wise for you to stay by yourself,” the doctor said to Howie. “Because if you need help at all, there’ll be no way for you to use the telephone.”

Howie and A.J. held a silent conversation with nothing more than their eyes communicating for them. A.J. realized what Howie was thinking and frowned. Howie gave him a pleading look, but A.J. shook his head. The spectators in the room watched on, half mesmerized. A.J. ignored Howie’s unspoken protest and turned back to Dr. Raymond.

“He’ll stay with me,” he announced, shooting a threatening “right?” look at Howie.

Howie sulked momentarily, but under his friend’s fiery eyes, he finally nodded.

“I will too,” Nick volunteered.

“Me too,” Brian agreed.

The remaining Boys with the exception of Howie stared at Kevin expectantly.

The eldest singer rolled his eyes with a fond smile, resisting the urge to make a joke on their “Backstreet Slumber Parties”.  “I’m in,” he said, smiling reassuringly at Howie.

Paula smiled at her son. “You’re lucky,” she told him.

Howie tilted his head to the side, frowning curiously.

Paula nodded at his band mates. “To have friends like them.”

Howie didn’t make any acknowledgement on her comment for a few moments. Then he gave one of his infamous half-smiles that lit his eyes into individual chocolate gems. He looked at each of his friends, all of them watching for his reaction. Each of them returned the smile. When Howie looked back at his mother and nodded, he was smiling in a knowing, mysterious way, as if to say, “I know.”