Chapter 6:

Hell is Freezing Over

When we finally arrived at the studio, I was so tired that I had to keep pinching myself to stay awake. I'm used to only getting a few hours of sleep a night but for some reason, I couldn't seem to shake the sleepy feeling out of my body. I also felt the beginnings of a nasty headache coming on. The first person I saw was Kevin. I tried to walk past him to put my backpack down but he grabbed my arm.

"You're late again Nick," ah so it was going to be one of those sessions...great just great.

"Sorry" was all I said before I moved past him and put my bag down. After I dropped my bag, I yawned and tried to stretch out the knot I felt forming on my neck. I then walked over to the breakfast table to get a bagel.

"So, by the looks of you, I say you decided to go out after we talked huh Carter?" A.J said as he sat down next to me chowing down on a doughnut.

"No, I'm just tired. I had a hard time falling asleep last night." A.J nodded seeming uninterested in what my reply was going to be.

"Are you ready to lay down your vocals today man?" Jesus, I hadn't even looked at the song. That's what I forgot to do. Well, not that I forgot but I was holed up in the bathroom waiting for some maniac to come and kill me.

"Um...yeah I guess" I said rather unenthusiastically.

"Well, damn, Nick don't sound so excited about it. I know it's not like your first priority or anything but you could I don't know, pretend your happy to be here or something." He then grabbed his food and walked away from me leaving me in the room alone.

I didn't mean to upset A.j. and maybe under other circumstances I would have yelled at him or apologized but instead I sighed out loud surprising myself to hear the level of hurt that was in my voice. I decided to just sit right where I was until someone needed me for something. I knew the mood I was in wouldn't allow me to do much more than that.

My peace and quiet was interrupted by my name being called over the loudspeaker telling me I needed to go into the sound booth to record my vocals. I got up and did what I was told. Brian and Howie were already in there and they motioned for me to put my headphones on and stand in the middle of them. I noticed that Brian didn't even look at me. Luckily the lyrics were right in front of me so I was able to do a semi decent job. At least that's what I thought until...

"God, Nick that sucked!!" I looked over at Brian and couldn't believe that just came out of his mouth. If that wasn't bad enough he continued, "Yeah, Glen we definitely need to do that again because Nick was way off." I looked up in the control room and saw Glen, our producer for this album talking with Kevin and A.J and couldn't help but wonder what they were saying about me. I then glanced over at Howie and Brian and saw that they were engaged in an intense conversation. That's when I figured out I needed out of this room now! I put down my earphones and left the room. No one followed me except for Joe. I went into the bathroom and threw some cold water on my face and then out of nowhere started to cry.

I managed to pull myself together in record time. One thing I learned from my years in this business is how to have a five minute breakdown and then get back to work. We all had them from time to time. I think I have witnessed every single guy in the group have one. I've always been able to hide mine. Except when J went into rehab. I think I would've actually been able to hide that one if it weren't for the painkillers I was on for my hand. The entire universe saw me breakdown then and ever since, I've been labeled a cry baby.

I walked back into the booth and was greeted with an icy stare from Brian. I tried my best to just ignore it but I couldn't. Not anymore.

"I had to pee so I went to the bathroom, you gotta problem with that?"

"You could have said something, we were ready to start about five minutes ago." Brian said with that all to familiar look of disgust on his face.

"I was only gone for like five minutes. So shoot me. God what is your problem anyway?" I didn't want to have this fight but he wasn't letting it go.

"What is my problem? What is my problem? ... you're my problem. Do you even know this song Nick? No probably not. Why because it wasn't a priority to you. Well, you know what Nick, I'm tired of waiting for you. We are tired of waiting for you. Get your act together or move on!!!" After his little speech he threw his headphones down and stormed out of the room leaving all of us stunned.

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Did you ever have a moment in your life when everything just felt surreal? For the few minutes right after Brian blew up at me things just felt strange. I almost felt like I was floating or something. Everyone was just staring at me, waiting for me to do something, react in some way whether it be good or bad. My mind told me to go after him, talk things out. My legs however said just stay right here. Howie walked over to me to make sure I was okay and even though I wasn't, I put on my mask. My mask, just like fame, had become part of my life. It generally came out when I would hear someone making fun of us, talking about our careers being over, my weight and various other things that may come up. I would put on my mask and it would shut out all of the negativity I felt. At least that's what it would appear to do. Now I felt myself putting that mask on again only this time it was to shield me from my best friends.

"Nicky, are you okay?" I looked at him with a slight smile trying to think of something witty to say.

"Sure, but I think it's kind of funny that after throwing a fit about me leaving, he blows up and leaves himself. I'm not sure if it is, but Alanis would call that irony wouldn't she?" wow that was even better than I thought it would be. Howie just chuckled and walked away.

"I think it's time for a break guys. I'll see you in about 90" Glen said feeling the tension still in the air.

I walked out of the room, mask still firmly set on my face and headed back to the waiting area. When I got to the door I heard murmurs in the room and couldn't help but eavesdrop.

"Rok you need to calm down, you don't mean what you are saying" I could here J say. since when is bone suddenly the voice of reason?

"Don't tell me to calm down Alex. I'm done. He is a selfish little child who doesn't care about anybody but himself!" Those words cut through my soul but I couldn't turn myself away from what I was hearing even though I wanted to more than anything.

"Brian, seriously man. I know your just mad, relax and talk to him. Give him another chance."

"I'm not going to do that Bone."

"But Brian.."

"No"

"He's your best friend. Your brother" then Brian said the words that haunt me still after all that has happened since he uttered them.

"Things change. People change and our relationship is over. It's been over for a while."

I sank down against the door and pulled my knees up in a ball and rested my head there. He was right. I couldn't even be mad at him because he was right.