White
flowers arranged in a ring lay upon the dark paneled coffin. The
preacher’s words of God’s goodness and grace, and a plea of forgiveness for his
sins...
“Who’s
sins Preacher, who’s?” Brian wondered sadly as he clutched the hand of his
fiancé, who squeezed back. Leighanne handed him another kleenex, the
tears just wouldn’t stop flowing. He turned his tear-stained face to look
down the row of fold out chairs containing his Backstreet brothers and their
loved ones. They all seemed to share the same grief. Poor Howie, he was
taking it the hardest of all... He blamed himself, Nick had used his keychain.
Brian wanted to reach out to him, but found that he couldn’t. No
one could reach out to him, Howie’s eyes just couldn’t see past his personal
guilt. Brian shook his head, he of course had blamed himself. Why hadn’t
he stayed? He knew how tired Howie had been, he was even the one who told him
to take a nap. Why didn’t they all blame him? Loud sobs from the front
row shook Brian from his thoughts. Nick’s family sat there.
Jane
and Bob Carter, the ones Nick wanted to get back at with his... action that
took his life, sat stiff and rigid. Their pale faces and eyes staring
straight ahead at the casket in front of them. They did not sit by each other,
but on opposite sides of the row. Bob and his new fiancé, a young
woman of maybe 28, sat beside him. The children all sat with Jane. They
blamed each other. The war for custody of the remaining Carter children waged
on with a newfound ferocity. Neither one of them wanting to admit to
their mistakes, instead they claimed it was the other’s influence and became
obsessed with the idea that it would poison the other children...
The
children... BJ had donned a pair of dark glasses to hide her red swollen eyes.
She sat quietly folding the same kleenex she had been holding since the funeral
in her lap, finding new complex shapes for it to form. She had nothing to say
about what had happened. She hadn’t even blinked when she had been informed.
All miserable people find their pleasure sooner or later, and Nick had
found his... in death. Every now and again she would put her arm around
her younger sister Leslie who sat doubled over in her lap sobbing quietly.
She prayed for Nick’s soul, he had left this place in an attempt to flee life’s
Hell, but ironically he may have just driven his way right into the real one.
Angel, Angel the Barbie Doll, was the one who wailed and screamed in
outrage, her older brother wasn’t dead. Nick couldn’t die, he was supposed to
be there...for her! Her loud sobs filled the tent. Her twin brother
Aaron sat beside her not offering her any form of comfort. He instead stared
angrily at the coffin, at both his parents. He was alone now, he would
never believe how selfish his older brother had been. How could he?
Brian
rose with others, it was a small private service, only 30 to 40 people in
attendance. Forming a rather thick line that was far from being single
file, the attendants trekked from the large open tent area to the soil where
Nick would be buried. It was at the first break of dirt that Aaron Carter
finally broke down and cried. He had never cried, not even when he had
heard what happened. He had been rather calm, consoling his sisters,
calling Angel again... He never spoke a word about his brother to anyone,
but everyone knew that he had been hurt deeply, and everyone wondered when was
he gonna break. Both Bob and Jane Carter reached out to their youngest
son, who dodged their arms and found his way to Brian. Brian opened his arms
and gave Aaron the hug he wouldn’t accept from him days before. Leighanne
stepped aside to let Kevin, AJ, and Howie through. They stood beside
Brian, not making any moves to comfort Aaron, but yet trying to ease him with
their nearby presence. They all stood in silence watching the grave
diggers throw back shovel after shovel of the precious dirt that would soon be
claiming the body of their loved one. The preacher continued to
speak, his words reflecting off Brian as he concentrated on the parting dirt,
on the dark coffin, on the head of blond hair in his arms. He remembered when
Nick had been Aaron’s age... he remembered holding him when he was homesick,
when he was scared... Now who would hold him? Brian prayed that God
would... he prayed that God would accept and take Nick, even after what he
had done. That was one of the first things Brian had done when he was
told... he got down on his knees, on Nick’s bed, over his lifeless body, and
prayed for his redemption.
Kevin
watched the tedious work of the diggers intensely, for if he didn’t watch them,
then he would have to look at the others. That was almost too much for him to
bear. He hadn’t been able to help Nick, he couldn’t save his little
brother and he couldn’t help but think it was his fault. How did he ever let it
get this bad? Why hadn’t he noticed earlier that Nick needed help. He had
toured with the boy for a year and hadn’t noticed a damn thing... Nick had lost
30 pounds on that tour when no one cared enough to give each other the time of
day. Kevin watched the tapes of the old Millennium tour. He noted the
drastic changes in Nick’s appearance in shock... he had lived right under this
kid for months and couldn’t see that he was hurting... he never noticed the
rapid weight lose, the dark circles under his eyes, the fake smiles.. Yes the
fake ones.
The
night of Nick’s passing Kevin had gone crazy digging up every picture, every
video he had ever had, that might show him an image of HIS Nick. The happy
smiling Nick with the endless bundles of energy. The one that drove him crazy
and sometimes made him so angry he could scream. He’d give anything to
have Nick annoy him like crazy, testing out new ways to make him scream.
He grinned thinking about the time Nick had put itching powder in his
bunk. He remembered how mad he had gotten, but the wicked smile on Nick’s face
had been priceless... just like his life had been... because Kevin had all the
money anyone could ever wish to have and he would gladly give it all in exchange
for Nick’s life... but his money just wasn’t enough.
AJ
stood trembling, huddling beside Kevin’s tall frame. He just couldn’t
seem to get warm. He wiped at his cheek again as another tear escaped the
confines of his sunglasses. Nick was dead... Nick, little Nick the
video game champion, the one daydreamed about being in the NBA, the one who had
once proclaimed his love for Amanda Williford to a whole ocean while he, AJ,
and Brian were sailing on his boat. That kid, that carefree blond goofball of a
kid, was going in the ground today... cause he thought his life wasn’t worth
living. Who was made to think his life wasn’t worth living. AJ shook his
head, images of Nick laughing and clowning around, spouting some ridiculous
sonnet that made no sense as an explanation for why he did the
crazy things he could do sometimes. Nick, the water baby,
complaining when he was made to leave the pool or the ocean. Nick, the
one notorious for his stupid answers during interviews, the one who could find
something to laugh at in anything. AJ frowned, he sure couldn’t find
anything funny about this though. His eyes darted to the dark coffin that
now contained Nickolas Carter’s shell. The sounds that had come from
him when he realized that Nick was gone and there was nothing anyone could
do about it frightened even him. He never knew he could cry that hard, or care
that much. Nick had been the baby brother none of them ever had, and they had
been the big brothers Nick never had. He sighed as he thought about that,
being an older brother came with certain responsibilities. AJ supposed he
hadn’t always been a good influence. He chuckled about the time he tried to
teach Nick how to smoke when he was 16. AJ really got it when Howie had
come out looking for them and saw what they were up to. His own mother
had never yelled at him in that way.
“What’s
so funny AJ?” Kevin’s soft husky voice tickled in his ears. AJ jumped a bit
before turning his head slightly, “I was just thinking about that time I tried
to to teach Nick how to smoke.”
Kevin
stared at AJ incredulously through red eyes, he smiled lightly, “He was so sick
afterward he promised never to smoke again.”
AJ
nodded, “I taught him a valuable lesson that night.”
“You
did,” Kevin said with a nod, putting his arm around AJ’s trembling shoulders
and pulling him closer as AJ began to cry.
Howie
watched AJ break down again on Kevin and watched Kevin hold him. Howie
shook his head and watched his brothers, the dirt breaking, and most of
all the casket. The guilt was eating at him hungrily. The guilt for
Nick’s suicide. He didn’t know.. How could he know? Everyone had said to
him... but Howie knew that if he hadn’t of been the one to stay, if he had been
awake, no one would have to be here. They would be in Spain somewhere
watching a sunrise, staring at the ocean... NOT STARING AT A COFFIN WITH THE
DEAD BODY OF A TWENY-YEAR OLD INSIDE OF IT! He wanted to throw a tantrum,
he wanted to pound the ground, shake a tree, kick open that casket and let Nick
out. Let him sit up and brush the dirt from his tuxedo... He shut his
eyes tight as tears squeezed out of them. Nick had looked as if he were
sleeping...make up had brought out a small flush in his cheeks and an evenness
in his skintone that was almost inhuman in its beauty. His blond hair was
arranged neatly with a few strands of it falling into his closed eyes... Those
gray blue eyes Howie longed to see again, but a thin thread kept those eyes
from opening. A thread kept those soft pink lips from ever parting to
draw a breath again. With one look at his body, Howie knew he was gone,
and he would never have his Nicky again. No more yelling in the night
because Nick was losing his battle with his Playstation. No more waking up to
plastic spiders on his pillow, and half eaten pieces of candy in his mouth.
He bowed his head as his shoulders shook again with sobs. He felt
arms going around his shoulders, he looked up to see AJ and Kevin both trying
to stifle their tears so that they could console Howie with his. He
didn’t want to be here.... he didn’t want this.
“Oh
God,” Aaron’s brown eyes widened in horror as he realized the diggers had
completed their task. They were now walking to the wooden box that contained
his brother... his brother! They were going to put his brother in the cold
ground... Nick wouldn’t like that! Nick wouldn’t like it at all! It would
be dark in the box and even darker once placed in the ground. He was
gonna be so scared, they hadn’t even given him a light! They couldn’t do
this! Aaron broke free of Brian and began running towards the casket, the
diggers were placing it in the crypt above the grave they had dug. He
felt hands trying to grab him but he ducked past them. He made it to the casket
and fought to open it, he would go too. Nick wouldn’t be alone, Nick didn’t
like the dark and certainly wouldn’t like to be in it alone. Aaron would
just have to come too. He opened the lid just before he felt someone’s
arms close around his waist and begin to lift him away, “NO!” he began to
scream. Nick lie on the white silk looking like a pale blond angel, his
blond hair gleaming and his fair skin taking on an ethereal glow from the
reflections of the sunlight off the white silk. In his hands was a small
bouquet of roses. A gold necklace, his famous gold necklace with the anchor
charm, hung around his neck. Aaron’s hands grabbed for something, anything on
the casket, his brother... he couldn’t be taken away from him. His fingers closed
on the necklace and he grimaced as the delicate chain broke. Aaron was
wrenched away from his brother’s casket holding the anchor and partial chain
from the broken necklace. The casket was closed again, and locked.
Aaron cried as he realized the man who had pulled him away was his
father! His father, the cause of all of this! He punched Bob in the
stomach as soon as he put him down and ran away, he ran as far from the burial
site as he could get. He crouched under a tree by a small headstone and there he
stayed until Howie came to get him.
Howie
stared after Aaron’s retreat in pain. He saw Brian try to chase him and stop.
He sobbed freely in his fiancée’s arms. AJ and Kevin were at Brian’s side
now. They all watched in silence as Aaron’s scene played out. Oh Aaron...
Howie thought sadly, now he felt he had to be the man in the family,
permanently. Howie blinked back a tear. Soft gasps were heard from behind
as the coffin was now being lowered into the ground.
Mandy
and Brent were the first to step forward and throw roses on the coffin as it
sunk into the earth, followed by Jane Carter and Nick’s sisters. Then Bob
and his fiancé. Last came the Boys, Nick’s surrogate older brothers. They,
instead of roses, threw seashells. Nick had loved the ocean, and they wanted
him to take a little part of it with him. After the coffin finally stopped its
descent the preacher spoke a few more words and tossed in the final rose. After
that the funeral was over, that was it. Howie watched as people began to file
out, like they had just attended the movies... or a concert! He turned back and
watched as the diggers began to throw dirt on Nick’s coffin, burying the pretty
roses that had been so lovingly thrown on the top. “I hope you’ve found
your peace now Nicky,” Howie whispered. He looked up to see a “V “ of
white birds flying overhead and a sea of storm clouds drifting in from the
bay... “Good bye.”
Howie
slipped away from the grave only to run into Brian, Kevin, and AJ, “Wanna sing
something to him Howie?” AJ asked softly.
“Like
what?” Howie frowned, “and please don’t say Show Me The Meaning Of Being
Lonely.”
Brian
smiled slightly, “No, lets sing something he would like.”
“How
about our first song guys?” Kevin said cracking a smile, “Lets see if he
remembers this one.”
AJ
laughed lightly, “I’m not even sure I remember it Kev.”
“Lets
try anyway,” Brian said. The Boys stumbled over and went into the chorus
of “Tell Me That I’m Dreaming.” They stopped and sang all together for Nick’s
parts. They grinned at what a pip squeak he used to be, and smiled as they
heard his high pitched voice in their minds. That’s how they wanted to
remember Nick, happy, smiling, young... Back in the good old days when
singing and performing had been fun and the responsibility had been lax.
They
got a few applause by some people leaving the burial that had stopped to listen
to the performance. They smiled and walked together, heading towards the
limousine, but Howie broke away, telling them to wait for him, he’d be back.
Howie scouted out the cemetery finally finding what he was looking for.
Aaron sat hugging the small necklace to his chest, large tears rolling
down his face. His suit was a mess streaked with dirt and grass stains.
“Aaron.”
Howie
approached him. Aaron looked up trying to wipe away the tears and succeeding in
leaving dirty smudges on his cheeks.
“It’s
time to go.”
Aaron
nodded and stood up. He took a deep breath and sighed, “He doesn’t like the
dark Howie... He’s gonna hate it in there.”
Howie
shook his head, “Aaron, Nick’s not in there. He’s somewhere else, in a better
place, where he can watch over all of us.”
“Leslie
said he was going to go to hell...”
Howie
blinked, Leslie had said that, “No, Aaron. Hell is for bad people, and
Nick wasn’t bad, he just made a mistake... and God will forgive him. He’s
ok now, Aaron, and he’s always gonna be here with you to look after you.”
Aaron
rolled his eyes, “I am not a 6 year old Howie! I don’t believe in that shit
anymore! I don’t believe in anything,” Aaron’s eyes were dark and empty,
“I gotta go Howie, I gotta family to take care of now.” Aaron walked
away with his shoulders slumped and his head down, and Howie didn’t try to stop
him, he knew he couldn’t...
He
looked down at the ground where Aaron had been sitting and noticed a glint of
gold. He bent down to retrieve it, it was Nick’s anchor necklace... He
squeezed its warmth in his hand and tucked it away in his breast pocket, “Maybe
I couldn’t save you Nick, and I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the
most... But I can be there for Aaron and BJ, and Leslie, and Angel. I’ll watch
over them Nick, I’ll save them... It’s what I can do to make it up to you
little brother, and don’t worry, I won’t let you down. Not again, not ever
again.”
He
raised his face to the sky as the first crackle of thunder made its roar heard.
A trickle of rain touched his face and he held out his hands to receive a
second, “I know you heard me Nick, and I hope you believe me. Have faith in
me.”
His
head turned slightly as he caught a flash of beige and the sight of AJ rushing
towards him with an umbrella, “Geez, come on D, its starting to pour.”
“Yeah....”
Howie nodded he ducked under the umbrella AJ was holding and walked away
towards the limousine leaving the scenery of the cemetery behind. Please
have faith in me Nick... Your family, is my family now, and I’ll stand in your
place... Rest well brother, I hope you have everything you wanted now.
The End