Gosh. I don�t remember what the last entry contains, or even when I entered it. So I may be a bit repetitive�but I don�t think so, cause most of the �drama� happened last night. The first bit of drama was when Joseph came over and I offered to cook him dinner, he said �aw I really want a hamburger� so he comes over and eats, then he gets into bed and begs for sex, which I don�t particularly want to give him cause every part of his body hurts and�oh whatever! No one cares, least of all me.

Before he came over, before all the bad stuff happened. I was IM�d from someone on AOL. (Yes I am an aol user). And lo and behold�who did I find out it was? Rob!!! Rob who�s unfortunate timing (and my unfortunate lack of a backbone) managed to destroy a relationship that had been building for years. I�d known him for years anyway, and he came out to visit me twice, and the day after he left to go back to New York (where he lives) I met Chris. A damn shame for all involved. I think Rob really hated me for a long time after that, and I just felt awful, cause I never meant to hurt anyone.

I think it was the only time I have ever been a part of a �nice guys finish last� story. Rob was so sweet and affectionate, and liked a lot of the same music I did. I used to listen to Wait by Sarah McLaughlin (that is spelled sooo wrong) and think of him.

Of course I didn�t even have the guts to tell him Chris had moved in with me, so I had Chris do it. I cried for three days. Roxanne by my side the entire time. Roxanne and my friendship was never the same after this, I blamed her for my loss of Rob, she later blamed me for not standing up to Chris on her behalf. A lot of bad juju was flyin around that apartment we were living in. Sometimes I think even in that first week he lived with us, you could kind of feel trouble brewing in the house. Like there was just a little more static electricity in the air than usual. Whatever, I�m probably hallucinating.

So for years I lamented the loss of Rob. I tried to call him when Kathy, Chris, and I lived in the house in Hobert, it was after Chris and I broke up for (I think) the second time. But he wasn�t very talkative, and was pretty mean, so after about a half hour of uphill-battle conversation, we didn�t talk again for a while.

For a long time I used to think that everything that was happening to me by knowing Chris, was that way because of what I�d done to Rob. It was back then that I swore that if I ever got another lapdog, I�d never let him go. Very dramatic, I know�but I planned to keep that oath sacred. I think I�m still trying today. I still think about Rob a lot. I wonder how he�s changed, etc. I miss him a lot sometimes, mostly I just smile fondly when I think of him. I remember him very kindly. A nice kisser, a nice guy all around. Easy to talk to. Very easy to love�.Gosh, Roxanne just hated him, they didn�t get along in the least�.Roxanne and I just patched up those differences created way back then just a year ago (about) It was at the last larp, the one where Roxanne accused me of giving her a miscarriage through �magick� which I am not a big fan of anyway.

Sometimes I think petty paganism causes too many problems for anyone�s own good. I do believe that you should never write anything in blood and give it to someone unless you�re REALLY REALLY sure that loving them forever won�t KILL you spiritually **grin** Which is basically what happened to me. But not with Rob, even though I really miss him and would LOVE to take a 15 hour drivin roadtrip to go and see him out there in Newburgh, New York. Gosh, to see the Hudson River again�to cross the Kingston Bridge. To see the Kingston mall again � I�d love to see Rhinebeck Architecture, to be able to tell the owner that I work in Chicago now and make great money at a great job and to thank him for what he taught me.

You want to know what he taught me? Alright then, if you insist. He taught me not to overshadow your skills with personality. I was a temp at Rhinebeck Architecture and Planning (I wish I had a way to link that, but there�s no web page for them listed on any search engine I�ve found.

I�m also looking for a pic of my infamous boyfriend while I was in New York. The only time I�ve ever been a truly �kept woman� he was very good to me and paid for food and helped me out when I needed it, so it was with his wife�s money�.checking around on the archives, I can see they are still married too. He isn�t even really handsome enough to be living such a playboy lifestyle, but he�s doing it, so whatever his secret is, if you could bottle it you�d be a millionaire.

Especially the part about how his wife is still with him. When she is the successful one. I think that blows me away more than any other part of the whole thing. Oh well, I was young and na�ve then (I had just turned 18 when I met him�he was 54 at the time) So you can see how easy to manipulate I was. So sad when I look back on it. But on the other hand, if I hadn�t gone to New York, I probably would have never met Rob. Who lived in Newburgh, while I was staying in Red Hook, hmmm. Wonder if I can find links for the cities�.

I�ll update you on how my evening with Joseph is going. It looks right now like I�m going to leave early so I can get to his office BY five, not leave here at five. I�m going to limp my sorry butt two blocks to his office, and basically I don�t think he�s ever going to drive me to work again. He tried to use it as a power thing �well, gas and part of the tolls� Like he expends any ANY effort when he takes me to work with him! If I was going that way anyway, I wouldn�t charge someone else, and besides, whenever I have change, I fill up his change thing�does he even say �Thank you?� I DON�T THINK SO!!!

Okay, no use in getting myself riled up, it�s not like it will do any good anyway. I have to be calm and cool tonight, talking to a man who begs for sex when he�s asleep, and then tries to tell me �I didn�t even want to have sex with you last night� the next morning. I hate it when people try to screw with my head, it�s really not fair.

Wish me luck. I�m going to need it. God knows I�m not getting an apology and flowers�.God forbid he do something any other NORMAL man would do. I can�t wait for Kathy to get back into the area in April, that way I�ll have a roommate, and won�t be so darn lonely in my apartment. Oh. Also, I was supposed to move in with Gus in two weeks, but he and Becky got back together so I�m stuck where I am, which would have been nice to hear from Gus, instead of calling him and hearing her answer�he�s such a wimp sometimes.

That�s it. I�m done for today.

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