If I was going to stalk someone, it certainly wouldn't be you
Trust me...

What I am:
1) Healthy
2) Smart
3) Attractive
4) Sexy as all hell
5) Intelligent
6) Pleased with the life I've created for myself

What I'm not:
1) Needy
2) Clingy
3) A stalker

You heard me correctly. I am not a stalker. I know, you're thinking "Of course not, what fool would think that?" Well....surprisingly enough...someone does. Can you believe it? Of course not..neither can I. There is still a part of me that says, "No, he couldn't have possibly said that...could he?"

Unfortunately it seems that some people cannot manage sex with friends. It's really a shame. I thought it would be a fine plan. Pick a friend, one that you think won't get emotionally attached, and run with it. No big deal.

It all seemed so simple before it happened. I even made sure to ask what the intent was before going through with it. I wanted to make absolutely sure that the words relationship and girlfriend weren't used. They weren't. I was content.

Then everything started to go very, very wrong. I cannot really explain how it happened, but ever so subtly it was obvious that the "friend" label had been, if not replaced, then modified somehow. I wasn't going to ask, not wanting to deal with whatever emotional baggage PK might have. I have *such* a bad history of being friends with boys and things just get all strange...this one, I was hoping beyond hope that it wouldn't get messed up, cause he has the potential to grow up to be a decent guy. He's only 27, he has a lil way to go still before being able to claim adult status. Especially under the "actions speak louder than words" clause. I just assumed he had a harmless crush that he was alternately enjoying and trying to beat down, therefore he would be really nice one minute, and really not nice the next. I thought he would work through it.

Then he called me a stalker. Not only a stalker, but one that he wasn't interested in at all. Not one whit. I'm paraphrasing, of course. I was told by someone who thought I would find this particular hurled barb funny, due solely to the fact that it was such an outrageous accusation. On the contrary, I did not find it humorous in the least, I found it an affront to my very personality. That anyone could be so blind not to see that I chase no man has to have something seriously wrong with them. That a woman saying "no" and ignoring your advances to the point of getting a phone call and actually saying "He was down here a while ago, I don't know where he is" when he is in actuality less than ten feet away, that these things mean I am in any way obsessed, in love with, or in admiration of him enough to warrant stalking says so much more about the man who uttered those words than it does about me it is not funny. Not even a little bit.

The saddest part, in my opinion, is that once you are labeled by a person, no matter how inappropriate the label may be, you have no chance at all of being able to convince them they are incorrect. The more you fight it, the more you sound like you're trying to cover something up rather than defend yourself. Nonsense prevails, Modesty fails, grace and virture turn into stupidity...That's a really good song, and there's one verse that I think is particularly appropriate.

From "All This Useless Beauty" by Elvis Costello

She won't practice the looks from the great tragic books
That were later disgraced to face celluloid
It won't even make sense but you can bet
If she isn't a sweetheart or plaything or pet
The film turns her into an unveiled threat

I'll only give my quick personal explination, because I assume most people can read lyrics and understand them. It's referring to lables that are created for roles in society. Lately I've been the unveiled threat, whether or not I've actually been one. For no other reason than I was there and someone wanted to believe it.

Okay, I will be the first person to admit I do not have a soft personality, far from it. I am abrasive and harsh to an extent that I am not pleased with. That does not mean that everything I do has an ulterior motive. I am one of the most honest people I know. I do not understand how somone can misunderstand me so completely and so very repeatedly.

I should have known something was horribly wrong when I told him about this wonderful, interesting man I hoped to make the acquaintence of. Talked about him for a good solid fifteen minutes. What does he do? He went back to his place and told his ex-girlfriend I had a crush on him. Crush, like a twelve year old schoolgirl. I don't have crushes. (Well, actually I do, but not with him...) I let it go because I figured he needed some kind of self-esteem boost and saying I liked him was his way of feeling wanted and good about himself.

Really, I promise, lesson learned. Nipping things like that in the bud will be the way of the world from now on.

I will admit I found him attractive. Of course, anyone who knows me knows that I find most people attractive, because I judge based on personality, not outward appearance. The ex that I found more attractive than the angels in Michaelangelo's heaven was referred to as "Howdy Doody" by more people than I could count. I didn't care, to me he was ... was ... undefinably beautiful....but I digress. I found him attractive..he was funny, nice, polite, made me laugh, and it was such a nice change from years of stony silence and glares that I was slightly interested. Interested, of course, in something completely different from what he expected. Maybe it's that librarian look I have. Some people don't realize I'm capable of having sex without wanting to bear children and buy a house in the suburbs.

I've always thought that was my charm. You can take me anywhere, and I have the class and composure to fit in...but take me to a party, and I can fit the atmosphere pretty well. I am a social chameleon. I have definate preferences on where I like to go and what I like to do, and they certainly don't involve beer and brats, but once in a while, everyone needs a break from being what they are used to, and you just cut loose and have a good ol time.

Oh, speaking of charm, class, and snobbery. I may or may not have mentioned in this journal so far that I have been called a snob more times than I can count. Why? I eat sushi and drink evian. I shop for clothing exclusively at Lane Bryant, I shop for shoes exclusively at the Naturalizer. I do not think this is where the upper eschelon of society are eating and shopping. Really. Some people, on the other hand, do think so, and think that I am among their ranks. In reality, i just have good taste. I want to buy clothing that lasts a few seasons, I want to wear shoes that are comfortable, etc, etc, etc. It makes perfect sense to me.

Digressing again, I eat fast food as little as is possible. I read lots and lots of books, and enjoy discussing them with other people. I like to leave my house. I like to go places. I enjoy doing things. I want to have the freedom, for the rest of my life, to order wine with my dinner and not have to worry about getting "a look" from the person I'm with. I want dinner and a movie (or something) before going to bed with someone (if they expect to speak to me again) I want someone who doesn't try and force me to communicate when I'm not in the mood to talk. I would like to meet someone who appreciates the fact that when they are in a bad mood, I keep my mouth shut and don't ask them "whats the matter" because I know they'll tell me what's wrong when they want me to know what's wrong.

So there you have them, the spelled out differences between a friend and a boyfriend are all right up there. Listed. Not in any order of importance, and it's certainly not a complete list, because most of it is subconscience judgements that we make about other people every day and just don't notice.

Above all else, I would like to date someone.
It probably sounds silly, but for the majority of my life I've just been walking along minding my own business and then, out of nowhere, I find myself looking at a Bride magazine that's been thrust into my hands and my boyfriend is asking what colors the bridesmades dresses are going to be. I'm okay with monogomous dating, that's fine, but I don't want someone to try and slip a ring on my finger within three weeks of knowing me. Not ever again. I want to make sure I know the other person before even a verbal committment is made. Not just say "well, he seems like a nice enough guy, i may as well go ahead and be with him...i can always leave later" knowing that every day you stay, it's that much more difficult to leave. Not that I want to leave. I'm really fed up with that whole scene, but because of that I'm much more cautious in the beginning, instead of diving in with both feet and then cutting and running later. I feel that's probably more far for everyone involved.

Friends are wonderful, diverse people that you want to spend time with and learn new things from. Boyfriends need to have common interests, common goals. The easiest way to sum it up is "It's a nice place to visit...but I wouldn't want to live there"

PK is most assuredly a nice place to visit, but I would rather live alone.

later that afternoon......

I was thinking about the conversation I had with ... hmmm ... I can't think of a good non-name for this person. He has the same initial as someone else who's already taken. I can't use his last initial because that's claimed already as well. I have no idea what his middle name is, and I know he's going to be mentioned fairly regularly, so he needs *something* I have it! Hee hee. He's now N.

I was thinking about the conversation I had with N last night, and we were talking about Chris. I rarely talk about him with other people, for fear of the "pity look" that makes me want to smack them until they cry like a baby.

But we managed to have a decent conversation about it. I laughed, I sniffled a little. It really made me feel good...i think it makes him feel good too. I hope so.

When B goes away I'm going to have to start playing Ultima Online more than I have been. I want a house, I want money, I want to tame dragons and then sell them to unwary souls for herds and piles of money, which I will then use to buy a...um...a...I realy don't want to say "mounted fish" but it's the only thing coming to mind...how sad *giggle* It's a good game, I promise. Really fun stuff.

N also told me that I should take the gossip with a grain of salt and let it go...then lamented that he didn't have a situation like PK does. I reminded him that I was one of the members of said "situation" and that I was pissed about it. N rephrased his wish to only include girls with very low self esteem, "Or else it just doesn't work well" (I laughed) then after some more storytime, I got off the phone (the natives were getting really restless!)

That's right!! B is here!! B is here!! Go read about B Here!!!!

~Dryad~

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