jobspoop

Places We've Worked

Corey and Mike have had their share of shit jobs, including the shit job they currently have. Shit jobs are shitty. Here, we will tell some stories of our detest for places of work. Hopefully you will enjoy them. Jobs are stupid. You should quit.

Corey's Shit jobs

My first job ever was at the Rising Sun, Indiana Dairy Queen. This job was actually cool for one reason...FREE FOOD. We used to make shakes and see who would drink them. We had one that had coffee, mustard, ice cream, and pickle relish in it. It tasted like balls and buttcrust. Not that I've ever had either of those, but I can imagine what they taste like.

I worked at Kroger's right before I went off to college. They put me in the produce department. Being as I knew nothing about strawberries and eggplant, this was an obvious choice for me. I made sure peaches were placed butt-up in the produce racks and shit like that. I ate grapes. I also made like Rollie fucking Fingers and threw rotten veggies and fruit into the dumpster for fun. SMASH!!!

Vincennes University thought it was a good idea to put me in charge of 50+ guys in the dorms. My rule was simple...if I don't know then they don't know. No one ever got in trouble in my wing except for me. I kicked ass. They paid my room and board. I met my wife there. She spent the night. VU's rule was NO WOMEN AFTER 9 pm. She left the next morning. Again, I kick ass.

I worked at Bigg's the summer before I joined my band, Somebody. They put me in the electronics department, in charge of the CDs, cassettes, books, and magazines. Books and magazines are not electronic...yet. I am developing an electronic magazine that will rule. That's all I can tell you about that right now. They are screwed because the Unions are coming down on them. Unions give you more money than Bigg's will. Don't buy anything from Bigg's...except for my electronic magazine when it comes out.

Sgt. Preston's is where I worked while I was in the band in Lafayette, Indiana. I ate for free here too. This was good because I was poor. They didn't pay worth a shit. I took my pay in steak sandwiches and fries. I spilled grease on the floor one night. It was dirty and made me fall. OUCH!!!!

Menards...my nards...my nads. Hardware. They flew me to Eau Claire, Wisconsin on a private jet. We were trained there on all kinds of things. I sold carpet and other types of flooring. Who the fuck cares. I saw Tony Stewart there. He drives their NASCAR vehicle. I wanted to shit on him.

hh Gregg thought they could pay me well. They are stupid as a fucking mule deer. They were going to pay me on my sales. This was in Aurora, Indiana. No one cares there. I sold a VCR and some other stupid crap. Washers and Dryers are dumb. Indiana hicks hang their laundry. We had one guy that would demo the kicker boxes with Sir-Mix-Alot's BABY GOT BACK. He was stupid too. He would always stop the song when Sir-Mix-Alot said, "I like big butts", except he would shut it off right before he said butts. What a dumbass hick.

I emptied slot machines at the Grand Victorian Casino in Rising Sun. Dumb. I had to wear a black jumpsuit. Dumb. I counted over $75,000 in coins, DAILY! That was from just one floor of slot machines. Dumb. I don't have that money. Dumb.

Guitar Center was cool because I could play drums. Other than that, it sucked. Their payscale was shitty. I had to sell 12 times as much as I made to even think about getting a bonus on my check. I was hired as a manager, but they replaced me when I hired a one-armed drummer. I called him beans because at the end of his knub, he had these little things that looked like beans. They were his fingers.

Mike's Shit Jobs

* Note - Mike has had a lot of jobs, so this may not be in chronological order.

My first job was at Thriftway, bagging groceries. That fucking sucked. Those assholes would make me go get carts in the rain. That is bullshit man. I also got to clean up spills and bag groceries for the popular kids who came in and didn't have to have jobs because their parents were rich yuppies. Fuck you. Oh yeah, and the break room sucked, the walls were orange and yellow, the seats were hard and orange, and the microwave had more food crusted on it than an obese jackass who died from overeating. Fatty. Oh yeah the music they played over the speakers made me want to shoot myself.

I worked at TCBY Yogurt with my friend Scott Gravitt. We had to serve yogurt to people. I was always afraid I wouldn't put the right amount of toppings on some Yuppie's smoothie, and they would yell at me. They had this thing called a "Shiver", which was the same exact thing as a Dairy Queen "Blizzard". Those things were such a pain in the ass to make, and finally I realized that I could just tell the people who ordered them that the "Shiver" machine was broken. Then I wouldn't have to do anything. One time My friends and I brought a shopping bag and a back pack when I was closing by myself, and we filled them with pints of yogurt. It was "The Great Yogurt Heist" We stuffed my friend's freezer and lived like Kings of Yogurtville. Also, that same night, I was mopping the floor and fell down. TCBY sucks.

Where to begin? I worked at Little Caesers. The free pizza and crazy bread was good. Other than that this job was not rewarding. The manager was a raving bitch. One day I found out that Little Caesars gives managers bonuses based on the toppings quota they use in a week. Like, if they use under a certain amount of cheese in a week, they get a bonus. With this knowledge in hand, I started throwing buckets of cheese into the dumpster every day so she would never get her bonus. I soon found out it was fun to throw other things in the garbage. Pizza pans, cutters, tubs, buckets of various toppings, pizzas, anything really. I made pizzas just to throw away. Managers are stupid. One time a girl who wasn't even an assistant manager started bitching and I do mean bitching at me to mop the floors "right now". I was in the middle of folding boxes, so I told her I was busy. Then she started yelling at me. I told her to "shut the fuck up, you are not the manager, and if you want the floor mopped why don't you get your ass over here and do it yourself?" She didn't mop the floor. Neither did I, but she did tell the manager that I cussed her out and I got a warning. Dumb bitch. They also had football shaped pizzas. That is stupid. One time, I hooked my girlfriend's family up with pizzas that I overloaded with toppings, and they were like 3 inches high. Awesome.

I worked at BP. This job was incredibly boring. I got free fountain drinks. Nice. I also got to rotate the hot dogs on that grill thing, so they could sit there all day. They made me wear this bright yellow shirt on Tuesdays for their Gas Special. I got fired because I stopped coming to work.

Hollywood video was a decent job. Except I had to wear a tuxedo shirt and a Cummerbund and bowtie. I looked like an opera watching jackass. The manager's name was Max. He was cool. We traded porn. He went to bat for me when the company higher ups tried to fire me because I had long hair. So then those corporate douchebags fired him instead. Disrict managers are made out of monkey crap. I had to restock shelves with the popcorn buckets that are probably still there. Don't eat them.

This may be a long one. I was a busboy at Tumbleweed. That fucking sucked. I had to clean up after these people and their stupid kids who made messes that seemed impossible to create. I cleaned up guacamole, salsa tortilla chips all kinds of bullshit. The manager there was Scott. He was a huge fatass. He would stand in front of the grill line where people fill trays to take food to the tables, and he would eat things off of people's plates before the waiter delivered the plate to the table. And he would eat off of different plates WITH THE SAME FORK. Damnit fatty, why do you think you're so fat? Hands off the porridge! He was a dickhead too. We always said he fucked the restaraunt Like literal sexual intercourse with the restaraunt. See the cactus in the logo up there? We would say he would spread his ass checks and lower himself onto the tip of the cactus. He was a loser. I found a new hobby while working there. There was a huge lake of sewage behind the restaraunt, and every day I would fill up a bus tub and throw the contents into the Sewage lake. I would throw beer mugs, silverware, plates, bowls, glasses, crayons, food, anything really, it depended how pissed off they made me. The madder they made me, the more shit went into the lake. I used to take the little crayon holding cactus from the tables, and throw them out onto the road. Tumbleweed sucks. I call it "Tumblefuck". I always went home smelling of mexican shit.

I worked in the produce department at Meijer. My friend and I would throw tomatoes at the walls of the cooler, and also, cherry tomatoes into the loudspeaker. That job sucked. We lit the inventory book on fire, and instead of actually taking inventory to see how much fruit to order, we would just make up numbers. Then the dumbass manager would order the fruit and we would have way too much fruit, and it would go bad. We had fun on the intercom, and we made fake signs to put out with the fruit. Our manager would get pissed. We put signs up on his "Produce Manager" plaque that said things like "Touched only one time" and "Ripe for Tonight" and "World's Biggest Fruit" He didn't enjoy that.

I worked at Kroger as a 3rd shift cashier. I basicly sat on the register eating Spaghettio's and reading magazines. Then the asshole stockmen decided I wasn't doing enough work so the manager made me help them stock dog food. Asshole!

I worked there for my first job after I had a broadcasting degree. This was a station for old people who are half dead and the other half drives in the slow lane in front of me. It was decent. Then I realized how shitty it was. There was only one other person in the news department besides me. He smoked so much I thought he was walking burnt lungs. The good thing about that is he coughed all over everything. Especially the keyboard. The keys were so black, I couldn't tell what letter was on them. They made me board op for this bullshit show called Plant Talk on Saturday mornings. So, I would just turn the volume down on the satellite feed for a minute or so, then turn it back up. I bet the old gardeners were going crazy. Normally I was in charge of the afternoon news. One of my favorite things to do was make noises into the mic over the soundbites as I played them so you couldn't understand what was being said in the sound bite. Stupid news. At the last minute, the other newsman had to go out of town and I had to cover his shift for a week. That sucked. So, I decided not to come in that weekend for Plant Talk and I decided not to record news briefs to air over the weekend. When I got back to work the next Monday, the station manager was not happy. He started yelling at me, and said "I think you should reconsider this career field.. blah blah blah manager talk", and I said "I think you should stop being such an asshole." When the other newsman got back to work the next day, I was fired. He made me turn in my pager. (I was supposed to be on call, hence the pager, but I always kept the pager buried under crap in my car so they couldn't get a hold of me.) Hey asshole, howabout you stick dead air up your gaping ass!

I worked for a temporary service right after that because I needed money. The found me a job doing "filing and office work" for Cintas. I figured I could put up with that shit for a little while so I showed up. When I got there, they told me I would be standing at the end of this conveyor belt and lifting crates off the belt, then stacking them up. ALL DAY. That really sucked. Look Cintas, I'm not some grubby ass loser who is satisfied lifting heavy shit all day. That sucked, I walked after the 3rd day. Then Cintas and Belcan were calling my house trying to find out why I didn't go to work for a week. UM... Because I was lifting heavy shit and doing a job even a retarded monkey with no dick wouldn't do. FUCK BOTH OF YOU.

Your uniforms suck

I worked at Suncoast. It wasn't that bad. Except when they made me run the vacuum.

I worked at Avon for 1 week. That's all it took for me to realize it was the portal straight to hell. I didn't even finish training. I got the fuck out of there faster than I've ever ran a mile in school.

I worked at a different BP. This time I was allowed fountain drinks, and Frozen Pepsis. WEEEEE. I just lisetened to the radio, and ate stuff for free, even though maybe it wasn't free. One night I didn't come in to work the late shift, so I guess they fired me. I don't really know. Who gives a fuck? I don't.

Walgreens is an economy sized hell hole. I worked in the photo lab. The best part of that was that I spilled chemicals on myself every fucking day. I also got to lift the heavy shit off the truck when we got deliveries. I guess that's because everyone else who worked there was an old lady. Damnit! They never made Ester unload the truck. Just because I am a man doesn't mean I'm strong. And why in the hell would I want to unload a fucking truck anyway? Hey Walgreens, eat some ghonorrea.

I worked at Lucent Technologies for a few months. I answered phones for people needing phone equipment. Normally, I got on the internet, and tried not to take calls. I was making $28,000 a year, for basically not doing much. The job itself was depressing. I called in sick on Reds opening day one time, and parked in the work parking garage to go to the Reds game. Work is stupid. I got fired from here because work told me I couldn't take off to go see KISS in Detroit. I did anyway, and I saw KISS in Detroit. When I got back, they brought me and my Union Representative in and explained to me that they were firing me, and they had all these form all nice and filled out, and were ready for me to try to fight it, or make a statement of some kind. I just said "Ok well, I don't really care if you fire me. I think it's bullshit. But whatever." My union rep paniced and told me not to say that. It didn't matter I got fired. So fucking what. Hey Lucent Technologies, how do you like going out of business losers? Eat shit.

I worked at a second Kroger, and I was a cashier. I rode those motorized carts around after the store closed. I didn't have to stock any stupid ass dog food at this one.