Eulogy Declan Smith

(April 2, 1951 - June 1, 2001)

By Carole Pink

 

I was drowning in a sea of

Anonymous faces in anonymous rooms.

Filled with

Anoymous helpers for an anoymous God.

I was hungry and tired and feeling alone.

Until I saw you

Standing on the steps of Philips Brooks House

Smiling and seeing my total confusion.

Reaching out and trying to connect to me.

Making me seen and known.

Offering me recovery that was second to none.

 

Later in love then out of love then in love.

Then the seperating depression and denial of feelings.

My depression was destroying me and killing us.

I think perhaps I was a fool, but a fool in pain.

Can I ever forgive myself for pushing away the love

I felt I didn't deserve?

 

You wore a blues man fedora pushed back and aviator glasses.

You reminded me about the joy of living.

Your mustache and scarred lip grinning.

Your sweet and gentle hands touching.

Your belly laugh and deep wisdom guiding.

Your incredible wit saving me and all who knew you.

Your lips graced the saxaphone which you loved so deeply.

And sometimes graced mine.

Charles Mingus was often playing on the stereo.

We practiced swing dance in your kitchen,

Laughing as we crashed into the refigerator.

 

We both had our darkness.

We drove ourselves a little crazy.

And we did our best.

I was so afraid and so hidden.

But you saw me. This was your greatest gift to me.

And the real beginning of my long journey back to myself.

 

Declan, now a guardian angel of all recoverying souls,

I will always remember you with joy in my heart.

Forgive me for not being ready for you.

 

The saving grace is that there was nothing I could do about it.

My illness swept me away for a long long time.

 

In your new state,

Far beyond this world,

Yet only a breath away.

If you can.

Remember me.

And know that,

Despite all my pain

What I remember about you and I

Is love.