3August

England vs Austrailia, 3rd Ashes Test, Trent Bridge
2nd-6th August 2001
Day 2

As England's fielders came onto the field this morning in the sunshine, there was an air of expectancy around the ground - the expectancy for England to make a complete cock-up of the position they were in.

Brett Lee offered little resistance, being dismissed for 4, just one more than his overnight score, by Alex Tudor. Then England settled into their usual routine of lack-lustre bowling and fielding. I don't care how good a pitch is for batting, a number 10 of Jason Gillespie's ability should not be looking like a top-order batsmen. The bowling was off line and length, and was easily despatched. Gilchrist at the other end scored 54 runs, taking his average in the test matches to 99. No, Gilchrist isn't that good that he should be averaging 99 runs against a supposedly high-class team, and serious questions need to be asked.

But anyway, Gilchrist was finally dismissed by Tudor trying to dispatch an almost half-volley to the boundary, and nicking the ball to Atherton at first slip. Glenn McGrath added two more runs before edging Tudor to Butcher in the slip cordon, giving Tudor the impressive figures of 5-44.

England came out in the second innings with a defecit of 5, which may sound insignificant, but in the context of England's second innings bowling would have meant the Aussies having to hit two further scoring shots (no sixes were scored), and in those two balls needed a rain shower might have come along for two and a half days, saving England from the embarrassment of the test match's logical conclusion. Anyway, we'll get onto all of this later.

Trescothick and Atherton both fired this time, and the openers posted their first 50 partnership before Trescothick was dismissed by Warne for 32, in a freakish manner. Trescothick stretched down the pitch and swept Warne powerfully, hitting Hayden at short leg. The ball sprung up off him, Gilchrist lunged forward and caught it. Umpire Venkat called for the third umpire's assistance in determining whether or not the ball had carried. Of course those twats who create the rules decided that the third umpire may only answer the question is out, and regretfully had no power to comment that Shane Warne had actually overstepped, meaning the ball should have been a no-ball, and therefore Trescothick should have been given out. One has to ask, with all this brilliant technology created by geniuses, why can we not find competent upmires who have the capability to see if a foot is behind a line or not? Also perhaps the no-ball rule should be abolished when England are playing, as no umpires feel compelled to use it.

Butcher came in, scored a run, got hit on the pad by Brett Lee and promptly went back out again. Ramprakash came to the crease to join Atherton, who went on to score 51 before being given out caught off Shane Warne, although replays are inconclusive as to whether or not he edged the ball. Stewart walked in confidently, had a big inside edge off Warne's bowling which forced the ball onto the stumps, and swiftly he walked away.

This was followed not too much later my Ramprakash doing a rain dance down the pitch to Shane Warne. Indeed when he got back to the dressing room it must have been pouring angry crickters, as he missed the ball and enabled Gilchrist to have a cup of coffee before stumping him for 26, leaving England on 126 for 5. Finally, White failed again with a meagre 7, giving Warne his 5th wicket.

Day 3

On the third morning the England contingent of the crowd were busily trying to get false Austrailian passports, to cover up the embarrassment of being associated with the nation of hopeless cricketers. Ward was dismissed by Gillespie for 13. Croft did his Stewart impression, chinese cutting the ball onto his stumps for 0 off Gillespie, and Caddick nicked the ball through to Gilchrisht off the same bowler. Finally Tudor was dismissed by Warne for 9, giving Warne figures of 6-33. England had a lead of 157, meaning of course Austraila needed to chase 158 for victory. England felt confident that they were in with a shout.

And they were! In fact Darren Gough had two shouts in the first over for lbw against Matt Hayden, neither of them being given. Austrailia pacily moved onto 36 before Slater was dismissed by Caddick. Ponting made 17 before Robert Croft took his wicket, leaving the aussies on 72-2. When Hayden fell a few overs later and the Aussies were on 88-3, the alarm bells must have started ringing. Then only two runs later Steve Waugh tore his calf muscle and retired hurt, and with Austrailia effectively 4 wickets down, England started to believe in themselves.

So Mark Waugh (42*) and Damien Martyn (33*) decided to embarrass England, destroying the poor and inaccurate bowling, Austrailia reaching the target before tea on this third day, leaving them 3-0 up in the series, and having won the Ashes. Some reflections:

- Croft's match bowling figures of 3 overs, 1 wicket for 10 look impressive. His career figures of averaging 88 per wicket, however, don't.
- It is official, Ian Ward is the worst batsman ever to bat in the top order
- It is official, Mark Ramprakash is the second worst batsman ever to bat in the top order
- A whitewash is starting to look like a decent result for England, considering that most teams in Austrailia's position would refuse to play again, and concentrate on those tough county matches.
- Someone needs to go and see Nasser Hussain, and ensure that his fingers are still broken for the next two years or so.
- Graeme Hick has better averages than Croft with both the bat and the ball. Food for thought?
- Mike Watkinson has better averages than Croft with both the bat and the ball. Food for though?
- We'd be better off not wasting money on umpires for England matches, as the pattern is simple. If Austrailia appeal, it's out; if England appeal, it isn't.

Until next time, ciao!