Untitled
by Angela

Buffy hung up the phone slowly as she absorbed Willow�s words. Spike wanted to be human? He had gone to Buffy�s witchy friends in hopes that they could rid him of his demon. It just didn't seem right. Spike loved being a vampire. He loved being evil and he loved killing things. It was sick. But in a strange way there was something dangerous and provocative about it, but she shook those thoughts from her head. She hated that she continually had to stop herself from thinking such things. The stress of protecting Dawn must have really gotten to her. But she was slowly realizing that perhaps Spike was right - there was something between them. It wasn't pretty, but it was real. And that terrified her more than any demon, loosing her mother, Glory, or the thought of being completely responsible for Dawn�s well being. It meant that her world was no longer black-and-white, stored in clearly marked boxes in the attic of her mind: one labeled �wrong� and one labeled �right.� Oh, how she hated the shadows�

Buffy entered his crypt, and found Spike asleep in his bed. She approached his side slowly and said nothing for a moment, only gazing at his sleeping form. There was something eerie about the fact that his bare chest did not rise and fall with his breathing � the knowledge that his heart lay still, but was somehow more passionate and full than that of many other men she knew. She realized that she had never seen him shirtless before, though she had admired his muscular body somewhere in the back of her mind countless times before. Now she watched him with hungry eyes, intently gazing at his toned torso - his strong arms, his broad chest, and his defined abs. In her mind, he was a cupcake. The last, lonely cupcake that sat on the kitchen table, reserved for another person but begging her to eat it. On the outside, it was perfect, the soft white icing asking to be licked and the heavenly smell hinting at the treat she would taste when she finally took a bite. Greedy and hungry, she would carefully reach up and wrap her fingers around it, pulling it towards her. She would peel off the wrapper slowly and carefully, discarding it off to the side, and proceed to slowly lick off just a little taste of the icing. Then she would sink her teeth into the delicious warmth of it - devouring the food in no time but savoring every bite nonetheless. When it was all over, she would lick her fingers clean of the icing and would be left with the guilt of the stolen treat, the satisfaction of the aftertaste, and the regret that her snack was over.

Somehow minutes had elapsed in the time that she had been in his presence, and he had awakened without her realizing it. Now her eyes shifted slowly up from his abs to meet his eyes, and she blushed hard, wondering how long he had been awake and if he realized what she had been doing. He was smirking. Oh God, he knew. He was so arrogant�and somehow even that turned her on. She shifted uncomfortably under his piercing gaze, feeling his eyes scanning her body now. Suddenly she was self conscious, even though she knew he liked what he saw. She was uncomfortable because of what had passed between them�the shared appreciated of one another�s bodies. She wanted to leave, and was about to turn and flee like the coward that she often felt like when he broke the silence between them.

Propping himself up on his elbows in bed, the covers slipped down his body a little further and she wondered if he was naked under there. �So � what brings you here on this lovely evening, Slayer?�

She was surprised that he had not commented on her wandering eyes, but was relieved. But in another way, it scared her even more that he seemed to show a concern for her feelings � that he had chosen not to embarrass her. The knowledge that he understood her.

Buffy had to think before she could answer him. Why was she here again? She kicked herself inwardly for making a fool of herself in front of him, and then kicked herself again for actually caring what he thought. Now unsure of what exactly to do with her empty hands and needing to sit to be comfortable, she slowly lowered herself to the corner of his bed. She was surprised at how soft it was � Spike seemed like such a hard person, she assumed his bed would be equally hard. Then again, she knew that he had a soft spot somewhere in him�maybe his bed reflected his need for love and comfort. Why was she so confused? She forced herself to stop thinking and spit out an answer.

Willow. Something about Willow. She could still fill Spike�s eyes on her. He must think she was an idiot, just sitting there saying nothing. Suddenly she remembered, and relief washed over her. �I want to know why you tried to make yourself human.�

Now Spike was the uncomfortable one. He shifted a little awkwardly, former arrogance from Buffy�s admiring gaze now gone. �I don�t see how it�s any of your business,� he snapped, and then regretted it. He should choose his words more carefully if he ever wanted her approval. He was about to take it back when she spoke.

�It doesn�t make any sense, Spike. You love being a vampire.�

Spike scoffed. �It�s not like I really even count as a vampire anymore.�

He looked so sad, Buffy felt a pang of sadness for him. Whatever he had been had died in a sense � in a way he had lost himself twice: once when he was turned, and now again with the chip. But was it really the chip that had made him change? The chip was just an antidote, not a vaccine. It only stopped him from being bad; it certainly didn�t make him good. Why was he different now? Was it because of her? Had she made him into what he was now? And was who he was now someone that he wanted to be?

�Chip or no chip, you�re still a vampire.�

Spike sighed. �Bloody hell, I�ve been such a sodding idiot.� All this time, I was trying to make myself into the one thing I never wanted to be.�

�What�s that?�

�Human. But less than that. Weak. Stupid and weak. I already lived that life before I was turned. I don�t want that anymore. I swore I�d never go back to being average � I didn�t care if I was evil as long as it meant that I was someone. I wasn�t a nobody anymore. People paid attention to me�if they didn�t, I made them pay attention to me.�

Buffy wasn�t exactly sure what he meant by that, but she assumed it had to do with death, blood, violence�all things she was familiar with. She had been just an ordinary girl once, just like Spike had been an ordinary man. Being the Slayer changed that forever. Now she would never be normal � she would never be like everyone else. But something inside knew that it was right, and that the last thing she wanted to be was average. So like Spike, she thought�

Back to the conversation, she wondered out loud, �If you didn�t want to be average, why did you ask Willow to make you human?�

For the first time in the years that she�d known him, he actually looked sheepish. Or maybe that wasn�t the right word � was he embarrassed? Surely not. He was one of the cockiest people she knew. But it was best not to think of the word �cock.�

�I did it for you.�

In some way she had expected that, but she didn�t really know why. �You did it for me?� Surprise, surprise � she was confused.

�Yes, for you. I tried everything to make you love me, Buffy. I thought that maybe if I changed my ways, you might finally see me as a person, not an animal.�

An animal? Was that how he thought she saw him? �I never said you were an animal.� But had she thought it?

�You didn�t have to say it, love. I could tell. Even when I gave up the whole violence bit, you still didn�t see me for who I am � you saw me for what, I was � just another vampire. An especially annoying one at that. So I figured it must be the demon in me that you hated � and suddenly I wanted to get rid of it so badly I about went crazy. It made so much sense at the time�but then when I was talking to Willow, I realized that I didn�t know where I begun and where the demon ended. And when it was all over, who or what I�d end up being.��

Buffy was surprised at his bluntness and his honesty, and it was only then that she realized they had reached that level. She didn�t have to avoid the questions anymore. She didn�t have to avoid the looks. She didn�t have to avoid her feelings. Almost unconsciously, she scooted closer to him, placing one hand on his bare chest.

�I can�t believe you�d do that for me.�

He searched her eyes to tell what she was feeling, and he saw that she was sad. Why was she sad? Did she feel guilty because of how she had treated him? He suddenly wanted to cry. He had suffered so much for her, and now finally, here she was, saying thank you in her own way. He wanted to be angry�he didn�t deserve what she had put him through. But somehow it only made him love her even more.

�I would have done anything to make you love me�� he trailed off, unable to finish. He didn�t want her to see him cry.

Buffy hung her head, as if in shame. A single tear rolled down her check, plunging off her chin and meeting its death on Spike�s chest.

Spike was horrified. He had made her cry. �God, I�m sorry,� he said, thinking he had done something to cause her sadness.

But Buffy cried because of her own cruelness. She had made him feel like he was nothing, when he had tried so hard to show her that he wasn�t. Had she realized it too late?

�Don�t be sorry, Spike,� she said. It was her turn to be honest. �Don�t be sorry for what you are, and don�t be sorry for who you are. I didn�t fall for a part of you or some twisted version of you. Please, just be Spike.�

The words haunted Spike, as he remembered his desperate plea with the Buffybot to �just be Buffy.� He didn�t want anything else � he wanted her. Not a version of her, not a twisted replica, as beautiful and loving as she may be. He wanted the stubborn and biting Buffy, the strong and independent Buffy. Plain and simple, he wanted her�all of her. Could it be true that she only wanted him to be himself, too? Could she actually like him � maybe even love him one day � for who he was?

There was one unfortunate fact. �I�m a vampire, Buffy. I�m a killer. And I enjoy it, and that disgusts you.�

She chose her words carefully. It didn�t exactly disgust her � she loved the thought that he was so dangerous. But it did frighten her. All she said was �I�m afraid, Spike.�

�What are you afraid of?� He was intrigued. He couldn�t believe that she had actually admitted it � admitted that she was not invincible. She was so powerful, but she was lonely. She was afraid. Just like him�

�I�m afraid of your power. I�ve never known a man before that was more powerful than me.�

�I�m not more powerful than you.�

�Physically, no.�

�If I could challenge you to a dance, I would, you know.�

�I know. But neither of us would win. You�re not stronger than me, but I�m not stronger than you either. Physically, I guess you could say we�re a perfect match.�

Those words excited Spike. He loved the double meaning, and something about the way her thumb was rubbing unconsciously in a small circle on his chest made him think that she her thoughts were going in the same direction as his. But she continued talking. She really did talk a lot sometimes.

�As far as everything else goes � well, you know things about me, and understand things about me that even I don�t. And that scares me, that someone knows me better than I know myself. And what scares me even more is that I think I know things about you and understand things about you that you don�t. I�m afraid, because you kill purely for the thrill of it � the rush�and the fact that I think I do too. I�m afraid because you and me are so right and so wrong in so many ways. Nothing is black-and-white here, and I�m lost.�

She met his eyes now, and saw her own feelings reflected there � she wasn�t sure what they were exactly, but she knew that whatever she was feeling he felt too. Slowly, as if in a dream, he pulled her to him, threading his calloused fingers through her hair and wrapping one muscular arm around her waist. He kissed her, slowly and with a tenderness that neither knew he was capable of. Buffy quivered slightly in his arms � there was very human gentleness and pureness to the kiss, and at the same time a kind of animal hunger. Slowly she realized that this was passion, and that it was sweeter than anything she had ever experienced before. It was a new feeling, and that scared her more than anything.

Both pulled away from the kiss perhaps more confused than ever and longing for more but knowing that now was neither the time for this. Buffy felt as if she would never be able to tear herself from his arms.

Needing to break the intensity between them before he simply broke down and made love to her right then and there, Spike spoke. �I know you�re not ready for this yet,� he said. �It�s alright. I understand.�

He seemed so disappointed, and she admitted that she was too, but she knew that he was right, as always. She sighed, saying, �I�ve got a lot of gray issues to sort through. I just need some time.�

Spike smiled, a small, weak smile, but an understanding one. �Don�t worry love,� he said. �I�ve got all the time in the world.�

FINIS

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