Waking

 

 

 

I.

He was, to put it simply, a busy man. Evening classes, interning at the hospital, homework and familial obligations filled his waking moments, making his non-waking ones seem brief, sweet and stolen. Days rushed headlong into each other, dream-like, sliding past his eyes like falling sand. He barely noticed- preoccupied as he was- until, at the tender age of 24, Kido Jyou woke up and realized he was alone.

It was small at first. A process just beginning. One night he staggered home from a grueling 40 hour shift at the hospital through the wild fall rain, colder than snow. His apartment was dark and still, slightly stuffy with the scent of moisture. The answering machine was dark, no email, the shower echoed his footsteps. In his rough robe, he sat and waited for the kettle to boil, washed over by the slow rhythm of the kitchen clock.

Tick.

Tick.

He had to force his eyes to focus, squinting at the characters on his calendar. Yesterday had been Yamato's birthday. Vaguely, he remembered hearing something about it. An email probably. Barhopping? Must have sent a card. He took care of things like that automatically now. Slow images of mighthavebeens tracked across his tired memory. Taichi laughing loudly at his own crude joke as Yamato slapped the bar for another round. Knowing Tai would have to be carried home. Knowing Yama would be the one to do it. Ken and Daisuke ducking out early, one after the other. Iori rambling as he only did when drunk. Koushiro's fiery hair muted in the warm light of the bar. The sound of the kettle boiling furiously pulled him back from his half-dreams.

 

Yes, pouring, he probably would have had fun.

 

 

 

II.

 

Small instances, meaningless alone, began nibbling at the edges of his consciousness. He ate alone at the University café, walked in his spare time, slept, listened and read with a dim awareness that they had been nibbling for some time, unnoticed. He dodged his mother’s queries about girls or girlfriends by rote. Old hat. It hadn’t sunk in before, so why should now? He supposed, later, that it was really the reunion that did it. The first time he saw them together. Of course, it- all of it- had been a long time in coming. Well, they say hind-sight is twenty-twenty.

Koushiro had informed him. Right at the end of their weekly study date, the only regular contact he had with the others any more, he had said it.

 

-Saturday night.

 

Wide eyes. Blink.

 

-You’re not doing anything, so you’re coming. Casual but nice, ok? We’ll pick you up around eight. Ja!

 

Then he had walked off with a wave and a grin tossed over his shoulder, not giving Jyou the time to argue or ask. Questions: Huh? How’d you know I have the night off? We?

 

He drummed his fingers nervously, waiting in a soft grey sweater and dark slacks. His chair by the window looked out on neon and grey building sides, stark window sockets. They were early. Seven fiftythree was the door bell summoning him to Koushiro’s distorted image. Breath stilled for a moment by the glass bubble, but forcing himself to move. He undid the chain, slipped on his shoes, grabbed for his wallet, knowing the way to it by feel, opened-

 

Koushiro’s eyes were nightdark, racing approvingly up his long form. Miyako giggled from his arm. Smiles, greeting, yes ready, OK. When walking from the quiet into the vast hum of a Tokyo night, put one foot before the next. They went.

 

 

 

III.

 

The restaurant was brightly lit and cheerful, red-swathed. Traditional yet casual. Tasteful. Must have been Sora’s pick. His presence was greeted with cheers and exclamations, hearty slaps on the back or hugs. Everyone was there, even Mimi- absorbed in conversation with Sora and Hikari down the table. She must have been visiting from America. Drinks, a buzzing haze of conversations, laughter. Taichi challenging everyone to arm wrestle. Daisuke accepting only to lose when Ken tickled him, demanding a rematch. The food arriving just in time. Some time during the night it dawned on him that this was a new year’s feast. Was it new year’s already? No, next week. Then the toasts and Koushiro tapping his glass with a spoon. Deliriously happy to announce that he and Miyako were going steady. Applauding just to be polite. Applauding to drown out the heavy thud in the pit of his stomach. Forced smile, unable to not watch the kiss.

 

-Well Jyou, called Taichi from the head of the table, looks like you’re the only one we have left to hook up!

 

Vaguely stunned, as the table came alive with ribbing and merry suggestions. Daisuke winking at him, implying loudly that he shouldn’t let himself be tied down, using the term ‘lay-dees’. Mimi and Sora assaulting him with blind date offers. Parry. Dodge. Takeru’s light hearted impressions of his fictitious personal add. Taichi and Yamato cackling madly about some TaichiandYamato thing. Koushiro and Miyako, trapped in each other’s eyes. Thankful, oh so thankful when the attention wandered off him. The eye of the storm wasn’t calm at all.

 

 

 

IV.

 

He had had two weeks to push it from his mind. By all rights he should have been able to. It was a stubborn, clingy, distracting thought that dogged him through classes and dreams. Hallways full of invisible doors. Groping for the handles in the dark. And eventually he showed up to distract him in person. Not even molecular biochemistry exams could push him out when he was sitting right there. Koushiro. Koushiro and Miyako, now. Koushiro and Miyako?

 

-What about us? His piping tenor came hard on Jyou’s duskier voice. Then, hard against it.

 

-You. you? You’re- tonguetied.

 

-Going together?

 

Nod. Yes.

 

Crisp laughter, a fruit so heavy it breaks its twig and falls into space.

 

-Honestly Jyou, I wonder if you even notice where you are sometimes.

 

Realizing his mouth is working mutely.

 

-We hooked up almost a month ago. I like her a lot. We have fun.

 

His eyes distant and dusky, lowered into memory. Sick sinking in the pit of his stomach. Spluttering the first topic that came to mind.

 

-What did Taichi mean when he said I’m the only one left?

 

A startled look.

 

-Well… you are.

 

His face must have been blank and uncomfortable, because he launches into an explanation right away.

 

-Mimi has her American boyfriend. Sora has Jun. Hikari and Iori. Takeru’s new girlfriend- Himiko or something. Ken and Daisuke. Myself and Miyako of course and

 

-Ken and Daisuke?

 

-Yes. He says it slowly, patiently. They came out the time before last. Don’t tell me you hadn’t noticed them before then, though. They’re even more obvious than Taichi and Yamato. It was kind of funny- how surprised they were that we’d all seen it coming

 

-Wait. Taichi and Yamato?

 

-They came out the time before Ken and Dai- weren’t you there? It’s not like it’s been some big secret at any rate. That was almost two years ago now.

 

Two years. Was he there?

 

-I don’t think I was. Little more than a whisper now, a thread of speech stretching down into shadow. I probably had to be at the hospital.

 

-Oh… you know, I think you’re right. A lapse back into silence, but no return of concentration. Two years. Two years in which he had not noticed his friends living and falling in love. And now, he was the last.

 

-You were there when it started though. Quietly, the words emerged from the gulf between them. I remember that much. When we all went drinking with Yama after the Wolves broke up.

 

Muted lights and the dust of the nighttime sidewalk at the back of his throat. Misty laughter, warmth. Drunk. Koushiro’s black, black eyes on him, sparkling. Tai leaning heavily against Yamato as they walked, face buried in the side of the taller man’s neck. He had been there. Been there with his eyes shut. Koushiro smiled approvingly at his look of recognition and changed the subject.

 

 

 

V.

 

Throwing himself into his work was no use now that he had started to Notice. It hardly seemed fair. He’d been content. Really. Useful. He’d been Making Something Of Himself. He’d noticed all he needed to, dealt with it accordingly and left it at that. He hadn’t needed to Notice, hadn’t wanted to. Sleep became sweeter, if anything. More welcome each time he slipped into her embrace. He never Noticed when he was asleep. Focus: Class. Homework. Tests. Hospital. Call mother. Hello, mother how are you? No, not yet. Yes, I’m looking. The night he heard someone breathing in the dark apartment and panicked until he realized the breath was his own.

 

It was easy to blame Koushiro, so he did. Created a cool distance and ignored the concerned looks. Sora called for a while; that stopped when she broke up with Jun. Life shifted onward like the slow wheeling of the stars.

Jyou did his best to ignore it.

 

 

 

VI.

 

He had run into them quite by accident… and it accidentally turned out to be the best thing that had happened to him all month. The mall felt lofty: the bright mobile hanging over the food court shifted gently in a sourceless draft. Bland public arts: makes a space modern: hieroglyphics of purple plastic and chain. Help.

 

-Jyou! A warm voice from a warm body. TaichiandYamato.

 

A genuine smile felt strange. New-old. Forgotten. It slipped over his face and right up into his eyes. Hand shaking and settling, a throwback to the old routine. Laughing at Taichi in J. Crew as he strutted from the changing rooms. Milkshakes. Catching up.

 

They felt natural and right together. The comfort of a long married couple, squabbling over dishes for their new apartment. Sitting in each other’s laps: finishing each other’s sentences. Afternoonlong shadows across their stroll in the park. Their apartment, bare and new but already a home somehow, family pictures, them together in 9^th grade muddy from fighting but holding hands. A long time in coming. A unit.

 

Blind.

 

-You want something? Yamato from the kitchen, the polite one.

 

-Beer! Always the loud little boy since he’d known him. Men now. Men in love.

 

He closed his hand around the proffered bottle, smiling real again at Yamato as he sat close to his boy on the couch. YamatoandTaichi again. Right.

 

-So what are we going to do about you, hm? Can’t have you running around lonesome. You need a good man to help you relax.

 

-Tai! Scolding eyes narrowed. We don’t know that! Half-hidden words in his eyes. Watch them.

 

-No, it’s fine. I don’t really have time for anyone. They’d never get to see me, especially with my big thesis coming up. I technically shouldn’t even be out with you.

 

Bluebrown widened eyes. Chuckling.

 

-No, no, it’s been totally worth it. I needed the break, or I wouldn’t have been at the mall in the first place. It’s good to see you guys. It’s been too long.

 

Smiles filled the silence adequately. Reminiscing. Takeru dropped by later with his latest girl. Eventual parting, phone numbers and promises. Then lying between smooth sheets and thinking. Reminiscing about reminiscing. A unit. Complete. A bittersweet happiness for friends cradled him into sleep.

 

 

 

VII.

 

As always, work had to come first. Drowned out everything. But, eventually, Sora on the phone. She was secretly a sadder woman than when they’d last spoken; though they slipped back into their confidence as if they’d never left it, her voice was peculiarly empty.

 

-How’s your thesis coming?

 

-Good, actually. I’m finally done with the draft. I’ll have plenty of time to perfect it. Or something close to that.

 

-I don’t know how you do it, Jyou. You’re always so responsible. A smile in her voice to answer his. Of course if you weren’t you wouldn’t be you. I don’t think I ever wrote a paper I didn’t pull an all-nighter for. The end of the semester was my hell.

 

Talking felt good to both of them. He could hear the relief in her voice. Welcome distraction. Should I bring it up? Only carefully.

 

-At least you’re done with school forever.

 

-Yeah… now I just have to work. So much easier! But don’t worry, you’re almost out of school now. Then you too can become a productive adult like the rest of us!

 

-Sora, you’re so fresh.

 

-You love me for it.

 

-I do.

 

A long, fond pause. Smiling still feels foreign, but less so. Forgetting to think about it.

 

-So, what’s it going to take to talk you into one little, innocent blind date? I know some real lookers from work.

 

Incredulous Beat.

 

-OK, I can hear your thoughts from here. I’m not a pervert Jyou!

 

-Well, what am I supposed to think? You work at a preschool, for goodness sake!

 

-Other adults do work there you know. Amusement-colored.

 

-I know. But you know me: I can’t be too careful.

 

-Enough skirting the question young man. What weaseling do I have to do? Dish!

 

-Sorry, Sora. No amount of weaseling will clear up my schedule. You know I don’t have time to date.

 

-I… Yes. A sigh. You’ve told me repeatedly. I’m just worried about you Jyou. You cut yourself off from everyone else. It’s not healthy to be so alone all the time.

 

-I know you do, but you have to understand. I really don’t mind. It would be unfair of me to see anyone right now.

 

-Even your friends Jyou?

 

Shock. What?

 

-You never see us. You barely even come to our reunions, and when you do bother to show up, it’s like you’re not there at all. And you wonder why we’re all so concerned?

 

Further shock. Concern?

 

-I- ah, Sora. I’m sorry. I’m just-

 

Further sighing by his ear. No, Jyou, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to accuse you. I guess I’m still a little weird after that whole thing with- well, you know.

 

-Jun? Gently. Quietly.

 

-Yes. Quieter.

 

-Do you think talking about it might help?

 

A longer pause. Fear frozen, thinking he’d stepped too far.

 

-Maybe it would, though you’d think by now I’d’ve talked myself out. A breathless half-chuckle. I spent literally hours on the phone with Mimi, after it happened, crying. She practically nursed me through the whole debacle. Shaky-voiced. You know, I never thought I was that strong until Jun convinced me I was. She used to call me her rock. But then she leaves, and I realize I leaned on her just as much as she leaned on me. More I guess, since she could leave and I just fell over and broke.

 

A sudden image of her standing dry-eyed with the handset by a window, gazing out at the scudding white clouds. All her tears long cried. Her voice got suddenly much smaller.

 

-To make things worse I had to fend off a rebound resurrection of that old crush. A sucked-in breath. Lip bitten. You remember?

 

-Of course. Use the patientvoice. Doctor’s voice. How could I forget all the nights you called me up in tears from your sleepovers?

 

Bitterish laughter with a little smile in it.

 

-I really should have known that would happen before I turned to her, you know? But at the time all I wanted was her voice in my ear, telling me it would be all right. Selfdisgust. That should have been the first sign. I know by now how futile it is, but I can’t ever seem to give up for good.

 

-Don’t blame yourself, Sora. So you slipped back into an old pattern. You needed that comfort, that security. It’s only natural.

 

A smileflavored silence now. Bright like the westering sun.

 

-Curse your practicality Jyou. You always say just the right thing to ruin my angst.

 

-I’m sorry? Uh… Can I do anything else for you while I’m at it?

 

-Could you turn into a hot, available girl?

 

-Sure. Lemme go dig out my pumps and girdle.

 

There, he’d finally earned a chuckle.

 

-Well, that was a mental image I did not need.

 

-What? I’m not hot enough for you Takenouchi Sora?

 

-To put it politely, Jyou… no.

 

-I am wounded, Sora. You’ve ripped out my heart and drop kicked it with your damn steel toe boots. Again.

 

-Hey! No fair dragging my high school fashion sense into this. Don’t make me bring up the entire year you refused to wear anything but black.

 

Outright laughter now, raising and falling in the calm apartments. Subsiding into comfort, cooling joy.

 

-Sora?

 

-Yeah?

 

-Thanks for calling.