write3.page

3May2002
I took his hand, across the cold gray seat between us. His book was lying flat, catching some of the flickering light as we moved fast across the city in the subway train. It made a horrible noise, and we rocked side to side along with it. He looked at me, and pushed his glasses up by scrunching his nose. He took his hand away and stared at the ground.
�What�s wrong?� I asked.
�You can�t do that.� He said. I looked at him and turned my body toward him. He looked away coldly. It had become so used to his touch, his words even created armies of my arm hairs. They wanted to fight for more.
�What are you talking about?� I asked, contorting my face in my depths of confusion.
�You can�t do that. You are leaving. You cant start things and leave.� He said. I looked at my watch.
I had been in the rainy alleyways, riding on the train for 3 weeks now. Forests of 100 story buildings. Loud and fast life. A vacation. A new experience. Cities I have never seen before. I pushed my hair away from my eyes and placed my hand over his. His hand had shown it all to me. He had shown me everything he had. Everything I had asked.
�I know. But I�m really not TOO far away.� I said. �If that is what you are afraid of.�
�What are you insinuating?� he asked. I took my hand away and pulled it to my face. I started chewing on my nails. I looked at him a couple times, and how his hair fell into his eyes. I wanted to move it for him, and slide into his lap and give him a long drawn out kiss. Not even affection would save me now. Stubborn boys and their ideas. Their nullifying possibility. Their inability to even try.
�I don�t know.� I said. I stared out the glossy scratched window.
�Well. That means I don�t either.�
*****
�So, did you enjoy?� Sara asked as she met up with me racing down the corridor to drag my baggage away.
�Mmm. Yeah.� I said, watching the metal triangles push together and fall apart as bags slid down dangerously.
�How did things go with that guy?� she asked. I shook my head and looked at her dead on.
�Nothing out of the ordinary, Sara. Nothing at all.�
�I�m sorry, then.� She said, biting her lower lip to avoid talking with me again.
�I�m sorry. I�m tired, and I�m quite disappointed.�
�I understand. I�m really sorry Raissa.�
I grabbed my bag abruptly and we started toward the parking structure.
�Thanks for picking me up.� I said. She smiled and squeezed my arm.
�Anytime, darlin.�
*****
Our apartment hadn�t changed much, but it smelled different. It was dark, and seemed as though the windows hadn�t been opened in my absence. I threw the curtains open to allow the dim light illuminate the couch with a light yellow brown, and opened the patio door, not bothering to pull the screen. I stepped out onto the 6th floor patio and looked at the dreary city below. It was dreary, but beautiful with an icy fog. I leaned against the railing, pulling my sleeves over my hands, and put a cigarette in my mouth. It bounced as I lit it, trying not to uncover my hands to the cold.
�This is the first week it�s gotten really cold,� Sara said standing in the doorway.
�Yeah?� I said. �I�m glad I came back then.�
She smiled at me and sat on the couch, picking the phone up to check the messages. I scanned across the white sky and took a deep breath, leaving my mark upon exhaling. If there had been room for a chair, I would live outside on the patio. Standing room only. Leaning room possible.
�You always leave the screen open,� Sara said, pushing it open all the way.
�I have to�otherwise I feel I�ll get stuck out here on my little standing spot.� She nodded, and wandered into the next room. I finished my cigarette, finding my ashtray gone, and dropped it down to the empty steaming street below.
I started my laundry, pulling wrinkled warm and damp clothes from a little case. They smelled like him. I threw them in the washer spitefully and slammed down the cover. Sara jumped.
�Sorry,� I said, walking into my room and stripping down for the next load. I found a pair of sleep pants and a long sleeve shirt and pushed my hair behind my ears. I took my glasses off and left them on my dresser. I laid down on my bed and watched as the rain began to stream down the window. I always left my blinds open for this very reason. I scanned across the room and saw the time: 6.54 PM. My eyes closed in defiance, and I was soon sprawled over my bed, the cool air of the room brushing across the small of my back where my shirt lifted from the waist of my pants. I hugged the pillow. It didn�t smell like him. I was grateful.
*****
�Hey! I�m so glad you are back in town!�
�Hey, thanks,� I said, looking at her beautiful face, and picture perfect blonde hair.
�I left a message, but you must not have checked them.� She said. I shrugged.
�I don�t remember any message from you,� I said.
�Call Audra,� she laughed. �You would have remembered, I�d imagine.� I looked her over, down the buttons of her pea coat, her skinny legs, down to her perfectly tiny feet. Her scarf brought all the violet blue out of her eyes. Everyone would remember her.
�Well, no need to call now.� I laughed, delving my hands into my pockets. She looked at me and smiled. I stood still, watching people walk past on the street. There were a few raindrops on my glasses.
�So!� she said. I smiled.
�So.�
�What are you doing tonight?� she asked. I shook my head and shrugged.
�Nothing, probably.�
�That won�t do. Come down to the club tonight,� she said. �My Addison is playing.�
�Aw, yeah?� I asked, my eyes sparking at the mention of his name.
�Yes ma�am!� she said. �We can talk and drink and just have fun.� I nodded, and smiled at her a bit falsely.
�Sure. Sounds fun.� I said.
Drinking with Audra was never fun. She was a cute drunk. The kind all the boys tripped over themselves to help laugh. Hold her hair. Wipe her mouth. With their tongues. Worst of all, when she was drunk she disclosed private information about Addison and herself in the most intimate situations. She didn�t deserve him to begin with, and I certainly didn�t need to know about the mind blowing-all night-emotionally purging sex they had. It gave me a sour taste in my mouth already. I was curious, though. About Addison. Cruel curiosity. I pulled my scarf tighter around my neck and looked at my watch.
�I gotta go,� I said. �But I�ll see you tonight.� She smiled and nodded, and ran her hand over her stomach.
�I�m starving anyway,� she said. I nodded at her, and wished her a happy lunch. She must have eaten lunch with an eyedropper. I had remembered suddenly that moment when she was walking away of her pregnancy scare when I was flying out for my trip. She had not mentioned it. I wonder if Addison knew. What had become of it?
I didn�t really have anywhere to go. The idea of standing awkwardly trying to talk to Audra just hurt my stomach. I always wondered if she was cognizant of my inability to hold a real heart felt conversation with her. I didn�t dislike her�we just didn�t have depth. It was so superficial. She was only friends with me because of Addison anyway.
*****
�You need to call Audra,� Sara said. I unraveled my scarf and laid it across the back of the couch.
�Yeah. I just ran into her,� I said. Sara glanced up at me.
�Lucky you,� she said. I laughed and plopped down across from her, unbuttoning my coat.
�Yeah.� I said, �but I did find out that Addison is playing tonight.�
�Oh, really?� she said, putting down her book. I nodded. She smiled and nodded, returning to her reading with an undamagable grin.
I got up, grabbing my coat and scarf and threw them over my bed, looking through the CDs on my desk. They were a mess�50 without cases stacked on one another. I�d pick them up and hold them like a deck of cards, searching through for the one I wanted. I was a pro.
Above my stereo there was a picture of Addison�s band. Addison. Sam. Russ. Ryan. There was a post-it note over Russ�s face. Sara had the same poster, but with post it notes over everyone�s face but Ryan�s. Of course, we had different reasons.
�What time are we going?� Sara asked, poking her head into my room. I looked at the clock: 5.34pm.
�Not until at least 9,� I said. She nodded.
�Wanna go get Thai food then? And a drink?� she asked, smiling. �After I get cute, of course.�
�You are already cute,� I laughed. She winked at me, and smiled.
�Yeah. We�ll have a get ready party, and we can go,� I said, putting the handful of CDs back on their faces. She smiled at me and left the room immediately. I let a big sigh out, and opened the closet door with impending doom.
Russ. Russ was an asshole. I went to school with Addison, and he moved east for graduate school. He started a band, and Russ was the guitarist. They toured, came into town, kept in touch. Hung out and partied. Russ and I had crushes on one another, but he could never think straight. He never acted on it when he was around, and would never let it die when we were apart. I followed the best I could--he was dreamy. But what else can you do? Three weeks ago we were wanting to see each other. To kiss. I offered to come out. Sick of the game. Sick of waiting for things to happen. He never gave me an answer. So I went somewhere else instead. Russ�was the last person I wanted to see right now. But I couldn�t help from doing it. And doing it with every intention of flaunting myself in his face. I don�t know why. It just happens that way. Before I knew it, I was wearing his favorite dress, and had a sexy jacket and scarf lined up to go along with it. I was craving a gin and tonic, and ready to rock. Ready to listen to Audra. Ready to watch Sara seduce Ryan. Again. Watch myself stew in stagnant jealousies. Watch myself drown them.
Within the hour Sara and I were walking down the street and into a small restaurant a few blocks away. We sat down, taking our jackets off, and as we picked our menus up, were joined by Addison and Ryan. They squeezed into our booth, and before we knew it, were eating along with us. Sara was pressed against Ryan as innocently as possible. I was happy for her.
�So how�s everything going?� Addison asked me in a nice speaking tone, as we heard Ryan and Sara talk on the other side of the table.
�It�s going. And you?� I asked. He nodded.
�It�s good. I get to see my girl�you�play some rock and roll�� he said.
�How long are you in town for?� I asked.
�Hmm�� he scratched his wiskery chin. �Probably a few days.� I nodded.
�Where�s Audra now? You are missing out on valuable time!� I smiled. He nodded and smiled at me, and put his hand on my arm.
�She�s out with Russ,� he said. Hearing his name made me stop everything. My skin was on fire. It seemed my stomach stopped. My heart. Circulation in total.
�I see,� I said, trying to wet my dry mouth.
�He�s good,� Addison said. I looked at him and rested my head on his shoulder. He kissed my forehead and rubbed my arm. I let out a large sigh.
�I�m not quite sure what is going on with him, but he�s acting funny. I don�t quite know how to describe it.� He said.
�I don�t even care,� I said. �I�m done with him.�
Addison nodded and took a sip of hot tea. He looked at Ryan, who was talking very closely with Sara, and kicked him under the table. He moved his head toward the door.
�Okay,� he said. They left some cash on the table, and waved. They rushed up the street, past the large front window, and disappeared.
�How happy,� Sara said, her cheeks rosy. I smiled at her, and went back to stirring the mushrooms around in my orange soup. I was suddenly not very interested in attending the show. But I couldn�t let Sara down. It was the least I could do---I knew how it felt.
We walked uptown a few more blocks as it grew dark, and colder than before. We were laughing about the people we passed, which raised my spirits a bit. We ducked into an Irish Pub as it began to sprinkle on our heads, and it was busy with the crowd awaiting the show just across the street. We took a table in the back corner, and each ordered a pint of Guinness. Mine was gone before she could even take 5 sips, and then she offered hers to me. The warmer with alcohol I was, the happier I was to be right where I was. Cigarettes. Guinness. The best Gin and Tonics in town. I stumbled across the street following Sara�s quick movements, anxious to see Ryan without seeming obvious. I knew the truth.
She disappeared once inside, and I walked straight to the bar, sitting on a tall stool, the cigarette burning slowly from my lips.
�Good evening,� the bartender said, winking at me. I smiled at him and put my hands out on the counter. He laid a napkin down between them, and I soon had my gin and tonic without asking.
�Hey, thanks,� I said slowly, looking right at him.
�Not a problem Raissa,� he said. �Let me know when you need something� else.� He moved down the bar to help some other girls. Candy cute, perfect hair, trendy clothes. Malibuesque. I scoffed at their pretty girl drinks, and began to lift my glass to finish the remnants of my drink. The bartender came back and refilled it.
�I love you George.� I said. He smiled at me and leaned onto the counter and kissed my cheek.
�Are you okay?� he asked. I nodded and got up from the bar, walking away in a zigzag fashion.
I slouched into a booth near the stage and was soon joined by Audra. Russ was behind her and didn�t see me. He sat down unsuspecting and looked across the table seeing my eyes glowing from the darkness of the high-backed chairs.
�Shit..hi,� he said, banging his elbow on the table. Audra looked at me and my empty glass.
�Let me get you another one,� she said, taking it and sliding out of the booth. I looked across the table at Russ and laughed.
�What?� he asked.
�You are such a joke.� I said. I lit another cigarette. He watched the smoke sneak over our heads.
�I�m sorry Raissa. I was scared.� He said, playing with a wrapper on the tabletop.
I looked at him and laughed again.
�Ha.�
I stood up just as Audra came back with my drink, and I grabbed it from her hand and wandered somewhere else in the club, hidden by the dark booths. I devised a plan for getting George to deliver drinks to my table as ambiguously as possible, so I could stay undercover. I poked my head over the booth and tried to get his attention without being seen. I popped up and down a few times before I gave up and slid back into my seat. Addison slid next to me, and I let out a loud gasp.
�Sorry sweetie,� he said. I looked at him and took a sip of my empty glass.
�We�ve been looking for you,� he said. �We couldn�t find you in here�we checked up the street�.�
�I�m right here. Where I want to be.� I said.
�Russ wants to talk to you.� He said.
�I don�t want to talk to him.� I said before he could finish his sentence.
�You cant even give him the chance to explain?� he asked me, taking my hand. I pulled it away.
�No. He never tried before. Why now?� He took my hand back.
�You are a bitch when you are drunk,� he laughed at me. I took my hand away and slid away from him.
�If I wasn�t, I wouldn�t survive.�
*****
Addison and the boys took stage around 11pm. The second it was over, I slid out of my booth, said goodnight to Sara. She hugged me, and I stumbled toward Audra.
�Did you see my boy?� she said, bouncing. I nodded.
�Dreamy. Absolutely dreamy.� I said. She looked at me and shot me a serious look.
�What?� I asked. She shook her head and bit her lip.
�What the fuck is wrong with you?� I asked, crudely. I was sweating gin.
�Can you talk to Addison?� she asked me. I stood lifeless and gave her a blank stare.
�Why?� I asked.
�We need to talk when you aren�t drunk.� She said. I looked at her and laughed in her face.
�I�m not drunk. Not yet.� I said, walking towards the bar. I gave George a kiss on his cheek as he made me another Gin and Tonic. He patted my ass and I whispered in his ear-�You better watch it. You know not what you do.� He looked at me as I lifted my glass and he smiled at me.
�I know exactly what I do,� he said. I licked my lips and brushed past him, leaving an empty glass on top of a 20-dollar bill.
The boys were outside loading the van, and I walked right past them. Addison called out my name and asked if I was going home alone. I waved at him, continuing to walk, and eventually I couldn�t hear him anymore.

I took the wrong street for three blocks. I got all turned around somehow, and ended up arriving home 20 minutes later than usual. I tripped over the curb and caught myself, pulling my keys out of my coat pocket, hiding under the front door canopy catching rain.
As I looked for the right key a dark figure came up and broadsided me, pushing me against the door and kissed me. He tasted like warm Guinness. His hair was wet. He smelled like smoke.
�I was worried about you Raissa,� Russ said, his voice scratchy with screaming vocals from the night. I dropped my keys and pushed against the wall and slid down, sitting down. He picked the keys up and opened the gate, helped me up, and ushered me inside the building, up the elevator and to the door of my apartment. My stomach was in my throat as he helped me take my coat off, and locked the door behind us, once inside. I sat down on the couch and put a cigarette in my mouth. He walked over to me and stood in front of me, and pulled it away.
�Don�t smoke. Talk to me,� he said. I looked up at him and laid on the couch. When he moved I rolled off and walked into my room and closed the door behind me. It took him only a minute to unlock it and come inside and relock the door.
�If I called the police, they�d pick you up.� I said.
�Why would you call the police on someone who cares about you?�
�Because they don�t. You don�t. You don�t give a damn about anything at all!� I said, starting to wake up and want to argue.
�I do care, damnit. I�m afraid of you Raissa. I don�t know what to do.� He put his hand on my leg and I kicked it off.
�Bull shit. If you cared, you�d know what to do.� I said. He pushed me down on the bed and got in my face. He held my arms down so I couldn�t hit him, and he put his finger over my lips.
�I do care.� He said. He looked at me directly for a short while. �What do you want me to do?� I stared at him, not speaking. I didn�t know what I wanted him to do.
�Do you want me to drop everything? Move here? Quit the band? Quit my job? Profess my undying love?� he asked. I shook my head. He nodded.
�Good. I can�t do those.� He moved his finger away from my mouth, and as I began to take a breath to speak he �shhhh�ed me. I looked at him and he kissed my lips again. I closed my eyes and melted into my bed.
�All I can do�is tell you I care. Make love to you when I can. And hope it all turns out for the best.� He said. Hardly charming, but it worked. He ran his hand down my side and bit my bottom lip softly. Chills ran up my spine, and I opened my eyes again. He looked at me, taking my head in his hands, and kissed me again. It was long, and perfect. It started slow, and warm, and comfortable, and just kept going and going. My heart was racing. My hand found his head, and ran through his hair, holding his head where it was. Against my lips.
He was pushed against me, kissing me, and I couldn�t stop him. Even if I had wanted to. It felt too good to be desired. It felt too good to finally have him show me. It felt too good to be me. I was singing Sleater-Kinney in my head��It�s too hard. It�s too good. It�s just that when you touched me I could not stand up��
�Let me make love to you,� he said, biting my neck carefully, licking the lobe of my ear.
At this point, I would have let him shoot me.

The next morning I didn�t recognize him. I awoke with a shock at seeing him in my bed, and I rubbed my eyes hoping I wasn�t still dreaming. I wiggled around a bit and he woke up, and wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close. I breathed him in, closing my eyes again. I could hear his heart. Finally. My whole body tingled. I didn�t care about anything else. I just wanted to lay here forever. Do away with the rock, the art, the jobs, and the sex. Even talking. I just wanted to lie against him. Always.

I woke up with my heart racing some hours later. He was still there, but I was going crazy trying to get out of my own skin. I shot up in bed and pulled my clothes on quickly, walking quickly around the house and eventually ending up out on the patio smoking, with bare feet. It was cold, but my stare overpowered it. The ground. The distance to the street. The sky. I bit my lip and smoked furiously, eyes opened wide.
What the hell were you thinking? How did you let him do that?
How did you let him trick you into thinking he cares!?
I was so angry with myself. I washed my face three times and dried it roughly, making it red. I grabbed my clothes as he began to wake up, and slammed the door behind me when I left. I walked down the street quickly and didn�t look back.

When I came back a few hours later, he was gone. I locked the door behind me, laid in my bed and cried, mouthing the words to the stereo�s random selection.
*****
He was such a nice boy, this one. Fresh. New... I only wish I could have met him before I was ruined. Before I was completely and ridiculously wasted on energy and affection. When I think about this I laugh out loud, because it�s foolish to think any of it would make any difference anyway. When was I going to learn you can�t pick and choose whom will care back? Was it so bad to be enamored with so many different things? To be able to meet someone and begin to fall for them? Everyone has to start somewhere. He never gave me the chance.
How can you avoid drama when it is the only way to love? Be loved?
Three years prior I could have been sweet. Not stuck on the bad things that have happened to me. I would have been even more excited and loyal. Not to say I�m not still. I get more excited by simple things than the combined energies of 20 people in their lifetimes. But it isn�t as wonderful as it sounds.
I wanted a kiss I wouldn�t regret. A kiss I could savor and hold true. Something I knew was conceived in sweetness, not drama. Something I would never look back on and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Something to keep in my back pocket and smile about whenever I needed to.
I was afraid to try. But it sounded so good.
Waiting for my day. Waiting my turn.
It was too easy, I guess. I thought circumstances couldn�t be better. But I rarely know the real truth. I only know the Raissa truth. The truth that makes people far away fall in love with you when you want them to. Boys who kiss you turn into long spanning relationships. Boys who tell you no, but secretly want you to. I wish I knew something different, sometimes.
It made me tired to think of such a thing. A kiss that would never happen. It was that premise that made it even more desirable, perhaps. Even all the logic in the world wouldn�t make it.
I promise it wouldn�t be horrible. He�d have a good time. He�d enjoy it too.
But if that was true, I�d have more luck. Those things were never true. Not as true as I hoped them to be, at least. I�m true to everyone. It�s just a damn shame everyone is not true to me. Half-truths, shaded truths. Vague statements and answers. No answers at all.
Sometimes no answer at all is better.
This wasn�t the time.
I wanted a detailed guideline this time.
And I was never going to get it.
I wondered a lot if it was merely the challenge of him showing no interest in me that made me pursue him further. People are competitive like that.
Audra called me early, and devised a makeshift plan to meet up for lunch one random afternoon. Addison and the boys had been gone for a week. I didn�t see them off, but I knew what was going on. I was trying to spend time with Will, like I had before Addison and Co. showed up. I needed to get away from the situation with Russ. Maybe it was a little selfish, but I really like Will. It makes me smile to know there is a nice boy out there. Even if they don�t seem to be for me.
Audra looked distressed. I suspected it had something to do with the pregnancy issue. I never probed.
�Hi,� she said, smiling at me the best she could. I smiled back, trying to be as friendly as possible. Possible for me.
�What�s up?� I asked, looking at her with a serious tone.
�Yeah,� she chuckled sadly. �No use in drawing it out anymore. You remember what was going on when you left?� I nodded and my ears perked.
�Well, I am. I found out I am for sure. I�m 2 months.� She said. �I saw the doctor yesterday.�
�Wow. Congratulations,� I said, my eyes wide. She nodded, and took my hands on the table.
�There is more.� She said. I nodded, and listened, expecting the worse. I got it.
�I don�t think it�s Addison�s,� she said. I looked at her and sat back in my chair.
�No?� I said, secretly relieved for Addison.
�No,� she said shaking her head. �I�m so afraid to tell him. He�s going to leave me.�
�Well, you kind of did this to yourself,� I said, feeling very betrayed for an unknowing Addison. She nodded. She took a deep breath and looked like she was going to cry.
�Who is it?� I asked. She looked at me and shrugged.
�We were going through a rough time, and talked about dating around a little because of distance�� she said. �I know who it is, but it is no one I can call up and tell. There is nothing to be had.�
�I�m sorry,� I said. She nodded. She looked up at me with tears running down her cheeks. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her hands trembling. I felt sorry for her. I took her cold hand as sweetly as possible.
�Okay. Are you going to have it?� I asked.
�Yes.� She said. I nodded.
�And raise it?� She nodded.
�Do you love Addison?� I asked. She shook her head yes and began to cry again.
�If you love him as much as you say you do, then he will be with you. He won�t leave you for one mistake. It�s a bad thing to deal with, but he loves you. He won�t let you down.� I wanted to cry while I talked. She smiled at me and hugged me across the table.
�Thank you so much. I knew you�d know what to say.� She said. I nodded.
�Have you talked to Russ?� she asked. I shook my head.
�No thank you. Next topic, please.�
*****
It was nearing 9pm at Will�s apartment. We were sitting on the couch watching random TV shows having a really laid back evening. He was careful to never get too close. Sometimes I thought about just turning to him and planting my lips right onto his. I expected him to laugh and then kick me out. Needless to say, I never tried. I couldn�t quite comprehend how comfortable I was with him. It was all part of the attraction, I suppose. It was the way I always thought things SHOULD be. But things still weren�t existent. Not with Will anyway. It was almost like he went out of his way to make himself seem unavailable, but at the same time he would give you enough room for a little bit of hope. It was ridiculously tiring. But I fell right into it. I wanted to know what it would be like. I wanted to see how sweet the first kiss would be. I wanted to cuddle up next to him and take a nap. I�m not sure why. These were just the facts.
Eventually I left, smiling at him as I went. I was always wishing he�d pull my arm as I walked away, and bring me close and kiss me. Something smooth. Sweet. Timeless. In the coolness of the night air. The moon bright.
I walked with my head low all the way home. I would have kicked rocks if I could find any on the damp streets. I was tired. Tired of being alone.
Sara�s light was on, but she was in her room with the door closed. Maybe she had a date. Lucky girl.
I made myself a vodka-cranberry juice over a lot of ice, and turned the lights out, walking to my bedroom carefully. I turned the TV on and stuck in a videotape and sat Indian style on the end of my bed as I laughed drunkenly, smoking, listening to the rainfall against the wall. I must have passed out around 3am. I remember as I fell asleep I wished I had someone to keep me warm.
////////////
I was tired. Tired of waiting for things to happen. Not tired of trying, but discouraged. No signs. No direct option or lack of option.
I would spend the next few years in bed to avoid such activity, it seems.
Such is the life of a graduate student.