I had another dream about you last night, which is sickening. I cant believe after all this time my mind knows the truth and deep inside it cant help but dabble on moments and words, and try to fool me into it again. Last night you were kissing my face, my brow, the top of my head, my cheek and you asked �Haven�t I ever kissed you like this before?� and I had to answer no. It was under strange circumstances I ended up in your bed�a broken down car and a convenient invite, usually not the only advantageous thing to be had. But still I stayed, and looked and wished, that all my time was more than it seemed-against the cold wall, outside of reach, any warmth was merely laughing at me. It�s at this time I realize that all I despise is not being honest with you, for all the shit you put me through. Perhaps elaborating more will close the door, and I�ll be able to think straight again. It hits me like the flu�a single memory or two, and it envelops my senses and eventually my head, permeates my pillows and jumps on my bed�I bid it goodnight, shoo the buzzing away, but still it insists that it must stay. It hurts my stomach, and hurts my head, it hurts my heart and sometimes makes me wish I were dead. How unfair is it to you�to me�to not let go of such simple things. Things proclaimed so long ago, that I simply just cannot let go. Looking through my things now, I don�t know what I was thinking. It�s amazing how being caught up in something destroys your power to be normal. But still, against my will I offer to you words, which are to be put away and read far from now, someday when you are ready to admit the truth, when you are sad and hurting too�a day when some nice girl puts you the way you put me. Its hard to pretend I still have anger, and I hope inside and out that we�ll be closer and still be friends. When I move to Irvine for graduate school I want to be with you�to shows, to bars, to laugh at my high school class and to discuss books and writings..after all the trouble you remain standing, and there aren�t any others. Two years until then, I dream about the day. Of course by then, you�ll bid me away. But still I know, I tried for once to live what I wrote. What I intended, and it didn�t work. I�m a great pretender. 14march00 coming into terms with yourself is a harsh reality only then do you notice you immense frailty you sit, you sulk the taste in your mouth just wont fade you poke, you prod why cant it just stay the same? You wait. You wait. When he wont come But you cant forget the night he held you close He danced, he laughed Then he poked your nose You smiled, you cheered You revealed your heart inside his smoky room The rain fell and you watched him sleep You can sleep now, and you couldn�t sleep then You held your breath to listen to his And now you�re turning blue I cant wait. I don�t wait. Take me away like you did before Kiss me again, I wait. 14march00 not even the painters could capture how I feel the happy utopia when I was with you or the sullen unsettled air now when I wait I always have to wait I defy you and return to the rock The music treats me right And caresses me where you fail to appear But it can�t make me like you I don�t smile and my eyes don�t ignite My lips don�t purse in desire of one more night It was so right. It is so right. Order dessert and live it up I�ll be the best you�ll every have I�ll love you like no other ever will. Let me in. 28March00 so planning a trip out without seeing you is crazy. I thought I could do it��I don�t have time..you don�t have time. I don�t want to smother you.� But as the day comes closer my hands long more To touch your soft shoulders and brush your lips The weather brings it all back The storm I watched through your window The note I wrote once you left for work Was it well received? Was I? You say nothing now, no mention to our time..our kisses..us But simple words as we were If I came back would it be complicated? Or would I grow to learn that as my love swells your internal premeditation threads. And you could play me for a fool, again. Do you want me to come back? Are you too nice for your own goo? Too lonely? Too hurt? What were you thinking? I pretend I�m not interested..i don�t care I�m not attracted But then I recollect the images The laugher you inspired The sweet sweat you perspired� The words you said �tell me what to do� close your eyes again and bring your lips close I promise not to hurt you And I hope I don�t hurt me either. 28March00 I thought it would be nice If we just sat out in the dark Smoking softly Our breath floating freely But we never left your room We layed close and laughed You kissed me� And you kissed me again I never thought it would have been so nice I was nervous�so worried you wouldn�t like me And now that things went so well I want to know more Who do you want to be to me? You consume my very thought Your smile, your laugh�your image You pierce through every day And I sit in a daze Who do I want you to be to me? If you asked I wouldn�t say no If you said stop, I�d cry and go But no matter what I want you to know I feel something�something feels right New and unfamiliar Good and fresh Show me again. 17april00 (inside your room) And again the rain drops from the window. The pitter-patter which licks against the cold cement below is the only other audible sound, besides whichever Hugh�s film is on next. Playing currently. The plotting, pleading. All the thinking is just ridiculous. I drink another sip and another sip and smoke. A drag, and another drag. I close my eyes and lay in bed again, this time not sleeping. I cant sleep when I should. When he�s here, I cant sleep. I watch. Like a stalker..I stare. He�s beautiful and I don�t know what to do with him. I don�t even know if he�s mine, but he lends himself to me upon occasion. He left me story on story to read. His words, his most cherished thing besides his movie, music and comic book collection. I wish he�d write about love, about sex. These are things I wish had more depth�I want to know how he works. I�m hoping tonight while I rock he�ll hold my hand. So many things�so many fate like arrows point to places I�ve never been�seen before. But I cant let myself go. Cos I know. I know. I still have 45 minutes until he gets home It�s insane. It�s all insane. I chicken out again. Someday I�ll grow a spine. 26September00 the idea of you is more attractive now any image of you makes me sick especially your face I fell in love with how you made me feel I just assumed it was real I never hesitated to kiss your lips And I always laughed at your jokes Can you at least say you tried? You tried to care? Dared to try? I think of you, but not you I think of what you do and say What made you laugh and cry And how great what you showed me was Not of your body Only your mind. 1october00 it�s a shame only now do I begin to realize what fools we both were. You were a cowardly fool, thinking you could let me go, and use me. I was at least a genuine fool. THAT surpasses any act which looks sadly on me. Maybe fate has me played for a fool�it doesn�t matter. It�s honest. You hurt my stomach. And now the only think I can taste is the sour and bitter memories I�m trying so hard to reevaluate, and to dismiss their attachment, but not the plot. What does not kill me makes me stronger, and you better watch out cos I�m a fucking giant now. 6June2000 you scare me when you speak of her how she casually is the comparison your every experience do you think of her when you kiss me when you pull me close at night needlessly begging me? I hear she�s a jerk I know she broke your heart But I cant stand here with tape and glue forever I�d give you my hands to hold it together If you asked We never say much A simple invite Idle chatter unpertaining to us What we do Do you think of her? Will you spill out your heart? Call me her name? Accidentally think you feel the same? I don�t know how to let go Only live through untimely rips But you. I don�t know what I�m going to do. �I didn�t know they came like that.� 8august00 I wrote a vow before I met you I tried to halt the obsession before it started I wrote a few words I forgot about completely And instead I wasted my time and energy on you �how it is, is how it is� and the way it was, was the way it was if I had the power to forget you I would I tried to protect myself I had to run from you You never held me, you never cared You kissed me out of spite, and ran your hands through my hair You suckered me into loving you And fucking you Silently. You did it all without saying a word. Now I pretend I don�t care I say you are an asshole and I�m seeing someone new But I will never forget Both the pain and joy I derived from you. June01 I wrote a book a long time ago. Maybe you�ve read it. It was about this girl who had trouble, and was the one who always caused it. She obsessed over things, most of which were before her time She longed to live the story she thought up in her mind Her dreams were full or horror and her days some delight But her mind was always turning, even through the night She fell in love too easy, and complicated things so A vicarious lifestyle fit for a queen, or at least a dirty hoe. Going through them now I question so much. What a dirty trick to play on myself�to think this better for my head. I answer questions which are needlessly pushed to my head�make decisions which will never be said. I don�t know how and I don�t know why, but I know this is to go. Laugh all you will�I despise poetry, but it falls so easily upon the page Seek the appropriate. At least then I can say I made some difference. I made you laugh. |
| words for jimmy. |
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