| the party. 17may2002. it is impossible to survive being as antisocial as I�ve become. its not that I didn�t have conversational desire, I had just grown too much pride to dumb myself down to selling my friendship and experiences to the random talkative bunch just off the boardwalk. the streets were all dark�an occasional house had lights along their porch, but if you planned it just so, you could escape. invisibility could be achieved. their laughter permeated the constructs of the block with such incredible audacity I nearly �shh�ed them on many occasions. they would disappear with headphones, but I have a cruel curiosity to pick up bits of drunken conversation. �I won a dance competition with Brian in high school,� rang clearly as I laughed under my breath at the foolish attempt to attract attention. I bet she flipped her hair as she inflected the last word�I couldn�t see through the dark cast shadows of the trees between us. I�m not unfriendly. I�m not elitist or self-righteous, but I can sense the personal gratification of being with myself, and selecting a very enchanting few to fill the spaces alongside. More people walk up the path, disappearing in the shadows but scuffing their feet along the sidewalk. parties of 2 or more laughed loudly as they went up toward the water, not at all ashamed of attention. my ear extended with hopes of catching more stories which would merely define my position. there was a boy on the beach today, smoking and people watching. it looked wonderful. is that how I�m seen? feet from the party and quiet with my notebook and a cigarette dangling�It was tempting to speak to him, but opening his mouth would have ruined his perfection. I needlessly discovered his motivation, defined his stare into the ocean, rejoiced at his nicotine fit. I knew him without sharing a word. If there was any eye contact, there wasn�t anything powerful. But we knew we existed. Understood. We were aware in our personal silences. the incessant talk of strangers struggling to find common ground, exhausting their efforts with name dropping and excessive drinking�is this really what being social is about? These people know nothing about one another. These people know nothing about themselves. They don�t even know they exist. |