Well, there's this box on the wall with a bunch of flippy things in it so that you can maybe not electrocute yourself if you find it necessary to accomplish any electrical work around the house more involved than changing a light bulb. Unforunately, my technical competence in the world of electrons hits a brick wall at "changing a light bulb" and everything beyond that is a black hole for me. I finally tracked down the correct little flippy thing in the box. Now, this was more than a challenge that it might seem.
You see, this house belongs to my sister. She and her family lived here for many years before they bought their new house, then I started renting it from her. My brother-in-law's labeling system in the big box leave something to be desired. For instance the little flippy thing that says "kitchen" seems to turn off the TV in the downstairs family room also. Eventually I found the correct one. Okay, I confess. I just kept turning things off until I couldn't see any light or hear anything that runs on electricity. In the whole house. Seemed to take care of things. I lived through the rest of it.
For the uninitiated, there's an amazing jumble of wires inside a little square thingie once you unscrew the actual little whatsit that holds the light bulb. There are little cone-shaped, plastic hoochybobs that have 2 wires coming out of them. If you unscrew the little hoochybobs, there's very neatly twisted bare wire inside. They don't seem to have any purpose. The wires disappear mysteriously into various little holes hither and yon. The guts of new bulb whatsit don't resemble the guts of the old one. Even a little bit. About this time, I'm wondering if Electrical Wiring for Dummies has ever been published. I sigh and perservere, content in the knowledge that I can't electrocute myself. Maybe.
Well, if you keep taking things apart, eventually you find two little sections of bare wire attached to screws, attached to the old bulb whatsit. This looks promising. Now, to figure out how to attach them to easily accessible screws on the new one. Close examination of the new bulb whatsit reveals no clues. So I climb down from the laundry table where I've been perched all this time (I'm not really overweight you know, I'm just undertall), retrieve the little soft plastic baggie the new bulb whatsit comes in. Eventually, I'm able to decipher the microscopic and distorted (from tearing the bag open) print, in the dark, and discover that a white wire goes to a silver looking screw and a black wire goes to a gold looking screw.
Armed with my new found knowledge, I scramble back up onto the laundry table, repeating the proper sequence over and over again so I don't forget it, pausing the litany occasionally to yell "BE QUIET AND PUT THOSE AWAY!!!!" to Hellchild, who is asking me to identify the people in a stack of pictures he found in a box in the back of the room. *chants in a droning monotone, "I love my children I love my children I love my children. . . "* I attach the wires to the proper screws, jam everything back into the little square box from whence it came, and secure it with the screws that were thoughtfully provided with the new whatsit.
Okay, so it LOOKS good. Now for the acid test. I go over and put all the little flippy things back where I found them. Offer a prayer of thanksgiving, since there's no shower of sparks, noise, or smoke to indicate a horrible problem. Decide to turn it on. Sigh. Search on the floor and table for the long string that attaches to tiny chain attached the new bulb whatsit. Hunt down Hellchild, tell him to untie that string from Winnie the Pooh's neck RIGHT NOW and give it to me. Scramble back up on the laundry table, attach the string. Smile happily. Look around with smile fading. Climb down from the table, and go hunting a light bulb. Find a bulb (I remembered them at the store the other day), scramble (panting now) back up on the table. Screw the bulb in. Smile returns. Pull the string. IT WORKS!!!! Of course, I'm too hot and exhausted now to do anything else for the day, but that stinking light works after a year!
I'll now place an ad in the local paper hiring myself out as an electrical contractor.