A Thousand Days Regret

By Nace M

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Don't own them yadda yadda yadda.

Summary: Isabel's life is nothing but sorrow without Alex.

Category: Alex and Isabel

Notes: Dedicated to the Stargazers.

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It had been three years. Three very long, very lonely years. Everything about her life should have made her happy. She was attending Cal Berkley working on her PHD in anthropology. Hunting for all the clues about her true roots had given her a flavor the type of work such a subject involves. When all the clues about their true place had run dry she still felt that she should be looking for something, and if it couldn't be about her own planet it mine as well have been earth. Her whole life was ahead of her and professionally she would be set, however such a bright future couldn't even make her smile. She hadn't done that in so long. It was in college as it was in high school; Isabel was sought after by anyone carrying a Y chromosome. The years however had graced her with a little maturity and she no longer toyed with them. She didn't see the point it in. None of the beer chugging, football playing, useless frat boys could ever fill the void constantly tearing at her heart. She hadn't even looked at another guy in that way since she'd shown Alex the door. It was the day before the graduation. She thought what she was doing was for the best, she didn't know what would happen if they had gotten closer.

**Flash**

"Can you believe we graduate tomorrow?" Alex asked smiling at his girlfriend lovingly.

"It is a little hard to grasp," Isabel admitted.

"Well at least we'll have each other to get through it," he said.

"Yeah…" she replied her voice trailing off.

"Something wrong?" he asked.

"Alex," she began, her voiced drained of all emotion.

"Uh oh" he said. "I know that tone, I don't like that tone."

"About after grad, did you ever think what would happen to us?"

"Of course" he said. "But I figured anything that comes along we'd get through together."

"Together…" she repeated.

"Yeah, I mean us both getting accepted to USC just shows that we're meant to be."

"Alex, I going to Berkley," she said looking away.

"What?" he shouted.

"I got accepted to Berkley," she said, "…and I'm going to go."

"Wh-Why?" he asked.

"Because of us. I know we've gotten close, and you showed me that I don't have be afraid to let someone in. But I…I still…"

"Still what?" he inquired trying to fight back the tears threatening to spill.

"I'm still afraid, Alex, not of letting you see me but of… What happens when we get older? Marriage? Little half-alien children? I don't know if I want that, and because of it I don't think we should be together anymore. It just wouldn't be fair."

"Fair," he scoffed. "You call this fair?"

"Please Alex," she pleaded. "I need you to understand. If I did this further down the road…I don't want to hurt you."

"Isabel," he said. "You're too late for that.

He slowly got up, took one last glance, went out the door and never looked back.

**Flash**

The utter hurt in eyes his had instantly crushed any self-confidence she once had. Any haughty, icy, down right stuck up thought she'd ever had took a tragic nosedive. Without those defense mechanisms she just couldn't handle guys at all. So she spoke to none of them, no matter how hard they'd tried to talk to her. For months after the break-up she refused to speak to anybody. Barely even keeping in touch with her parents or Max. Due to her growing social nothingness she had no life at all. It was school, work, school, work. That was all. After those few months passed and she finally broke out of her cocoon, she was shy and timid. Though guys still flocked to her undying beauty she found herself incapable of treating anyone like some helpless love slave. It would have made her feel guilty, and that was a feeling she was truly tired of going through.

After completing her first year, she was getting better at not feeling such turmoil every second of the day. Though she still cried herself to sleep every night, her thoughts of Alex had been reduced from about a hundred thoughts a day to ninety-five. Progress was progress she thought. She still didn't have a direction in which to go in school. She had lost her true north and any direction she chose was afraid it might be the wrong one.

In her second year she discovered anthropology. She found diving into other cultures and lives reduced many thoughts about her own. It had given her a purpose and she dove into it head on. All the studying, the research, the amount of focus she needed, greatly chipped away at the wall of misery she surrounded herself with. It was easier to function throughout daily life thinking of someone else's life rather than her own.

In the middle of her third year she was barnstorming the science department and quickly being regarded as an uprising talent. She found it strange to be thought of in such a manner. In high school she didn't think much of schoolwork at all, though still caring enough to get good grades, enough to be accepted to such a prominent college such as Berkley. The comments about her were well deserved however, and she was glad to have found such a passion in something other that loving a bass playing computer nerd.

Her confidence in guys remained the same however, non-existent. Isabel thought it for the best anyway, no need to confuse her focus with someone else in her life. The misery and thoughts surrounding Alex had really begun to fade. She hoped that finally the hole in her heart might be stating to close. She was looking forward to not being so depressed anymore; she just wanted to be for awhile. It was finally coming into view until that one fateful day.

She was in a music store glancing through the new arrivals and coming across a CD by a group called "The Abductions." Her alien related curiosity got the best of her and she picked it up and let out a giggle at the graphic on the front. It was a man getting pulled into a flying saucer by his heart. She flipped it over to see a picture of the band and Alex…Alex was right in the middle of the photo. Instantly she froze, all the pain and misery came flooding back in that one fleeting moment. She clutched the CD tightly in her fingers, let out an uneven sigh, and dared to look at the picture again. She wasn't hallucinating, it really Alex in the picture.

The Whits had broken up in the middle of junior year in high school. Alex hadn't spoke of starting another band she thought he might have given up on the music thing. All rational thought told her to put it back down and walk away but she just couldn't. She knew she needed to have this CD, bought it, and ran back to her dorm to listen to it. Isabel threw "The Abductions" into her stereo and curled into a little ball on the rug as his all to familiar voice flowed from the speakers. She let it fill her, trying not so much to pay attention to the words but the sound rising from his throat, the tones of it sending shivers through her body. The CD ended and she got up and hit replay. Looking through the little booklet that always comes in CD's she read the list of band members.

The Abductions are:
Alex Whitman-Bass/Vocals
Jimmy Esquire-Guitar
Jay Allen-Drums

Her eyes were stuck on the text of his name, as she couldn't bring herself to look at his picture again. The memories both good and bad came flooding back. All the misery and pain she so hoped was finally fading away resurfaced. The tears flowed in streams down her face and she remembered she still loved him. She never stopped but was too afraid committing her whole life to him. She didn't believe in happy endings and was too gutless to accept hers.

Finally prying her eyes from his name, she read the lyrics to the songs still sending tremors rippling through her. Most of them were about adolescent confusion, fear of growing up, or just having fun. It just didn't seem like the Alex she knew. All of his songs in high school were heartfelt beautiful words. Of course most of those songs were about her. These new one's just didn't seem to have that flare of romantic gesture that was the Alex she knew. She was a little disappointed that there wasn't a song about her.

"Get real," she thought. "After breaking the guys heart into a hundred million pieces, any song about you wouldn't be those sweet ballads he once wrote. If he even thinks of me at all anymore."

Flipping to the last page she saw it, a single song whose title alone caused the tears to once again come in streams.

"Stargazer"

She went over to her stereo and skipped ahead to the song, reading the lyrics along to his charged passionate voice. This was singer she knew Alex was, he sang this particular song with raw emotion, and she continued to study the words to see why.

Every night
I look into the sky
I stand alone, trying to cry
Remembering that first time
When we gazed at the stars
And you said that you loved me

Then why did you break up and run away from me?
For months I could not speak coherently
Or look up at the night sky
I only wished to grasp why
How stars could bring so much pain
It's just so much pain

I want you to know
That I still dream of you
I know you could see
If you wanted to
My special place, where we always dance
You're in that red dress
No one know how happy it makes me

But every morning I get up to face reality
I get so cold
Cause' you're not lying next to me
You're off alone because you're too damn scared
And of what I just don't know
But don't be scared of me
Is don't be scared of me

Now every night
I brave a look upward high
I know that you
Look at the same sky
I glare at Aries the Ram
And fight back my tears
It still makes me want to cry
Because I lost my beautiful Stargazer
And still I don't know why

Isabel's hands were shaking so much she could barely read the last line. Even after all this time, the hurt she'd caused him was still the same. For days after she had purchased the album she didn't venture anywhere outside her room, listening to it on continuous playback. It didn't seem to be enough that she was hurting all over again but the clouds of irony decided to rain down on her. "Stargazer" had made the album a hit, and it was constantly played over the radio. The song had made the entire band a success and now you couldn't see a music magazine without the "Abductions" on the cover. Isabel bought all of them, and any other magazine even merely mentioning them. She was reading Alex's interview in "Rolling Stone" and they were discussing the bands new single "Isabel." Her breath caught in her throat as she re-read her name.

"My god," she thought. "I can't believe he wrote another one."

***

"Interview with an Abductee" by Rolling Stone staff writer T.S. Brody.

I've had the pleasure of recently getting to interview Alex Whitman. You know who he is, one of the hottest young talents in the music biz. His band "The Abductions" is rapidly becoming one of the countries best rock trios's. I caught up with him in his favorite hang-out 'Not of this Earth' an alien themed coffee house owned by his longtime friend Liz Parker and her husband Max Evans. It's located in Santa Monica on the corner of Ashland and Kirk street if you every get a chance to check it out, it's really a trip.

Rolling Stone: So Alex tell me about yourself, I hear you're really from Roswell.

Alex: Yeah I am, but it's not what you think. No X-files type phenomena happening all the time.

RS: I see, how was it growing up there?

Alex: Oh you know, typical small town upbringing. Nothing much to do there so I started to play the bass and here I am.

RS: Well your band seems to be doing quite well lately, does that surprise you at all?

Alex: Of course it does. Back in high school my band at the time was only accepted amongst a small little following, but the following eventually got tired of us and we had nowhere to play anymore so that was that.

RS: 'Stargazer' seems to be your flagship song at the moment, can you tell me why that is?

Alex: Uh, well I guess it's because I think a lot of people can relate to it in a way? I don't know really, but I'm just glad that people like our stuff at all.

RS: I see fame doesn't replace modesty.

Alex: No not at all, I don't really like to toot my own horn.

RS: Can you tell us what 'Stargazer' is about?

(Authors note: I noticed Alex seemed to get this sad look in his eyes and he looked away before answering my question)

Alex: It's about…. (He paused for a minute staring down at the floor) It's about the only girl I ever loved.

RS: Aww, so I guess your just an old fashioned romantic?

Alex: Something like that.

(Note: I asked several other questions regarding the song but he didn't really want to answer them, and just kept staring up at the sky.)

RS: so the new single 'Isabel' would that be the girl you're were talking about?

Alex: (another long pause) Yes it is.

RS: Do you still love her?

Alex: (he closed his eyes very tightly, like he expected this question) I do…after all this time I…still… (He looked at his watch) Oh jeez, I really got to go. Rehearsal you know.

RS: Of course Alex, I understand. Thanks for letting me talk with you.

Alex: No problem.

With that he left. I couldn't help but wonder if I had struck a nerve with him. The interview seemed to be going along quite nicely until I asked about that girl Isabel. Oh well, every girl in America seems to want a piece of him, but if they'll get it I just don't know.

-T.S. Brody

***

Isabel felt her tears sliding down her face again as they lightly filled the magazine with little round drops. Alex saying he still loved her caused the hole in her heart to rip open once again. It had also caused a new hope to rise within her, and she knew she needed to speak to him, to hear his voice in person if just for a moment. But how? Someone somewhere must have been smiling down upon her because after the main text of the interview there was a list of tour dates. Two weeks from today "The Abductions" were set to play the Greek Theater right on campus. That second she ran right out the door and to the box office of the theater.

She purchased the tickets and smiled to herself lightly. This would be her chance to set everything straight. To tell Alex why she did what she did, and how she regretted it every second of every day. She would confess that she still loved him, that she never stopped loving him. It would hopefully be the end of all the pain, all the sleepless nights, the thousand days regret that she let the single greatest person she'd ever known slip through her fingers.