Monday, February 24, 2003 4:43 pm

Dr. Finbar Phones STD and Contracts Syphillis 


Good Afternoon,

Time for another soliloquy.

THE DR. FINBAR COMPETITION Mk. III

Since we've prevaricated so much about the winner of our competition, 
let's deal with this matter right away. We can now reveal the prize-
winning entry. If you recall, the task was to come up with a new use 
for the tarpaulin so as to restore its place in the public's affections.

Here is the winning entry, as selected by Pete and Sam.

    Tarpaulin:

    Obviously - the new Australian flag.

A great idea, but more importantly, a quick read for Pete and Sam.

Prize-winner, you know who you are. And we know who you are. And we 
know who we are. Get in touch, and we will arrange delivery of your 
285 sugar packets and your autographed Dr. Finbar lyrics sheet of our 
choosing.

Since this incarnation of our competition series was an unqualified 
success, we may launch another competition in the next few weeks.


LAST WEEK

Last Friday evening at the Old Colonial Inn, the Dr. Finbar Trio made 
its first full(ish)-length appearance, ostensibly to celebrate Neil's 
PhD-passing and Sam's birthday. We'd love to tell you about our 
barnstorming performance and the bevy of swooning patrons, but 
unfortunately, too many of you were actually there, and word would soon 
spread that we are full of shit. Nevertheless, it was a good hit-out 
for our gig in Mildura.

Incidentally, the publican said he was interested in having us play 
again, so a big thanks to all of you guys who came along and drank so 
much. Remember, our playing future depends on your inebriation. So 
each time you come to see us play at a proper gig, be sure to "Drink 
for the Doctor".

And also, a big thanks to those of you who played on Friday. We really 
appreciate your effort, and it was great to see so many of our friends 
on stage! We'd love to give you all a little reward, but we're fresh 
out of sugar packets.


NEXT WEEK

We top the bill at a cafe/pub in Mildura. Our support-act is a group 
of 17yr old schoolgirls, who are apparently managed by one of their 
teachers. Should be interesting. Maybe this will be our opportunity 
to break into the school fete circuit.

Should any of you feel like a jaunt to Mildura to see us play, then you 
are most welcome. But we won't, ah, be devastated if you demur...


YOU COULD BE ORDAINED... YES, YOU!

While waiting for his PhD to come through, Neil felt he needed an 
interim title. So he decided to become a minister. Yes, late last 
year, Neil was ordained as a minister of the Universal Life Church. 
All he had to do was visit http://www.ulc.org, fill out some fields, 
promise to "do the right thing" and his certificate of ordination 
(attached) was sent out.

This is not a joke, by the way. The Universal Life Church is an 
official church in the US. The US has more liberal Freedom of Religion 
legislation than Australia, so it's easier to set up an official church 
there. A friend was telling me of some guys in a US jail who tried to 
establish, and have legally recognised, a religion that required them 
to have sex once a week. If the religion were recognised, the US 
prison system would have been responsible for providing them with all 
that they needed in order to live in accordance with their religion. 
Which, in this case, would have meant procuring women for them. My 
friend doesn't know if they were successful, but I'm sure we would all 
have heard about it by now if they had been.

Anyway, you too can be ordained for free over the web. Then you get to 
call yourself "Reverend". Certainly, Neil is insisting on being 
addressed by his proper title. And in fact, "Reverend" is just the 
basic package. If you want to be higher up in the church you can fork 
over a little money and become a monk, or even a saint! Now, you may 
be thinking that this is not such a good idea. After all, saints need 
to be dead, and monks have to be celibate, don't they? Not at the 
Univeral Life Church! Remember, to become a saint or a monk of the 
ULC, all you have to do is cough up and promise to "do the right thing".


Sleep well,

The Dr. Finbar Trio