|
November
2003
|
||
11/17/03 Wow! It's been a long time. I'm sick right now, but I feel it in my spirit as well as my body. Last night, I was playing minesweeper for too long; to the point where even I felt that it was too much. Olya actually came to me and said she was concerned and thought I was sick. Ouch! The truth is, I felt the same way. It was just a bit of a shock to actually hear someone else say it. One of the things I should have been doing yesterday was preparing for tonight's History lesson, but I've just felt lately like I'm wasting my time with it. I don't really get excited thinking about the opportunity. I put so much mental effort into preparing a 20-minute lesson (that ends up being 30-40) that I don't enjoy talking about and that doesn't seem to be enjoyed and I don't want to do it anymore. So last night, I decided I would rather put off the preparation and play a mindless game. I was at it for a couple of hours. When I do that, I have a sense of waste inside of me. I don't really want to do it, but I'm lazy and nothing else really excites me. I shared with Olya last night (maybe this morning) that I wasn't sure that I was doing the right thing. I want to know my calling. I've been thinking lately about my calling. I'm wondering if I have missed it, departed from it, or if I just haven't been given it. I'm haunted a bit by the fact that I can vividly remember that summer night in 1997 where my heart burned for my lost family members and I felt that I needed to minister to them. I wonder if that was part of my calling that I departed from. This same burning lingers in my heart now as I anticipate going back to the States for a week to renew my visa. I want to share God's love with those that are hurting now, especially those that aren't walking with Jesus. Anyway, I was pretty sure (not convinced beyond doubt, mind you) that I was supposed to come to Russia for a year. There was excitement, opportunity, goals of completing the missions program and getting married. Now, I don't know. There are things to do, but I'm wondering if they are just time fillers. I don't have a drive in my heart to do any of the things. While I type this, I recognize that I have a problem in my flesh with laziness. The same laziness that I struggled with at work when it became mundane, is the same laziness that plagues me now when ministry seems like a time filler and the same laziness that encouraged me to sit in front of the computer playing minesweeper for a couple hours. I am convinced that it will still be there even when I have no doubt regarding my calling. It's always going to be there. Still, I wonder if I've ever been in a place where I just knew that I was in my calling. There are moments when I've felt like I was doing something that I loved and had a drive to do it, but it has never been for more than a few passing moments. This question plagues me too: am I doing, right now, what God wants me to be doing? That is, did He really intend for me, in His best plan, to be in Russia right now? I know that He is sovereign and in control. Though I make mistakes, He is much bigger than them and He is able to complete His purpose in my life and take care of me. I wonder though if I've been really listening to what He is saying to me. What if He wants to guide me somewhere else, but I haven't been able to hear it because I haven't been fellowshipping with Him often enough in prayer? What if He has spoken direction to me through the Word, but I didn't catch it because I'm still struggling with my thoughts on how to approach the Bible. Nothing has changed on that since my last entry. I'm not convinced that it is inerrant or that everything is to be taken literally when possible. I would love to be convinced of that in my heart. It would make my mental stress greatly decrease. But there are questions in my heart that haven't been answered and I am uncertain. I am asking the Lord for truth. Last week was a waste. We had the four-day conference and Olya and I were gone from 7:45am to 10:30pm or later each day. I enjoyed the fellowship. I enjoyed some of the teaching. But I didn't like being there four straight days for the whole day. I don't like conferences. I like hanging out with people, but I wonder how much my brain and heart can really soak in when you are hearing four sermons every day. I felt exhausted afterwards. I didn't like that there was so much time at this conference with noise and talking etc. and so little time alone with the Lord. I missed it. Yet, when the conference was over, I didn't use my week well. I slept in and when I got up and felt to tired and lazy to do anything. I played some computer games. I ate. I watched a movie or two. I checked my email and did some shopping. I ushered at Wednesday's service. I went to a missionary meeting. I prepared for home group. But my devotion time was week and nearly non-existent. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with God, but it just felt like a routine to do the 45 minutes with Jesus. I partly rebelled because I don't want my devotion time to just be a routine. I don't want to feel like I'm doing it so that I can have good discussion points during the men's meeting on Saturday. I don't want to feel like I'm doing it to build myself up to think I'm a spiritual giant. I had the thought yesterday or the day before that I wanted my life to be motivated by love for Christ and showing Christ's love to others. Like Paul and his company, I want to say, "the love of Christ compels us." That is, the love of Christ compels me. The verse in 1 John 4:19, "We love Him because He first loved us" comes to mind too. I am only able to live in love and live to love because Jesus first loved me. I have largely forgotten this and I also realized that I am having hard times receiving His love right now. I just think that to do anything without being consumed by God's love in Jesus Christ is folly. Seriously, it's all in vain. I want to walk by faith and I want to have this faith-walk in love. I want the love of Christ to compel me. That's the only motivation I want for anything. I don't want to do my devotions because I fear having someone look down on me because I skipped a day. I don't want to share the gospel because everybody else is doing it. I want the love of Christ to compel me in these things. Father, you understand everything that I've tried to write down in this entry today. I know that you are here with me and I know that you know the inner workings of my heart. You know my sin and I don't try to hide it from you. I know that part of me last week just may not have wanted to spend time with you. I can't even say that for sure. But I know you are merciful and I know that you forgive. I know that you sent Jesus because you wanted me to be able to fellowship with you. I want this fellowship. And Father, I want to be compelled by the love of Christ. I want to live knowing that I am deeply and forever loved by you. I want my identity and my drive to be the love that you have for me; the same love you showed in Jesus. Please visit me today and cleanse my heart and my mind. Help me to understand the Word. Help me to understand what exactly it is meant for. Help me to live to glorify you. Help me to live, not by law, but by faith in love. I love you, though I can't possible do enough to deserve your love. Thank you for being with me and caring for me. Forgive my doubt, lack of trust, and empty words. Thank you for Olya. Thank you for my family. Thank you that you are allowing me to live here in Russia. Thank you that I can visit the states for a few days. Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for everything. Thank You. Amen. |