|
October
2002
|
||
10/30/02 It's 5:45pm and I'm still here at work. That's actually a good thing. You see, I have had a lot of trouble with being motivated at work lately and I barely make it through 8 hours. There is a lot to get done this week and I wasn't sure if I could do it, (I'm still not completely sure.) especially since Monday and Tuesday I struggled the whole work day. Part of my problem is that I haven't been getting much exercise or sleep, and my diet could be better. I know it makes a big difference and I'm been making some small improvement. I can't help but wonder though if I've been a little depressed again. It recently occurred to me that the last month or so I've been slugglish, avoided time with larger groups of people, lacked enthusiasm, and lacked motivation. I don't want to waste time analyzing it because it seems pointless. We are complicated beings and I think we're affected by a lot of things. All I know is that Jesus is the key. He holds life, in every sense of that meaning, for us. If I keep my eyes on Him and keep moving on, I know He will take care of everything. 10/28/02 I spent this past weekend back in my hometown, East Wenatchee. Saturday morning I met with my former youth pastor (now missionary to Panama). It was nice to see him again after 2 and a half years and to be able to talk about life, missions, and living out the commission of Jesus to "go and make disciples". Again, I was struck by how AWESOME God has been in blessing me with so many wonderful friends and family. Fellowship in Christ is a beautiful thing. I had a hard time in at the church service on Sunday. They were having a guest visiting for a couple of days. She traveled with a group of about 10 others. Apparently she can be seen quite often on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Anyway, I had a hard time because of the presentation. I'm not sure what the point of the service was, but there was a whole lot of very loud and obnoxious music interspersed with prayer, and polished recitations of scripture/creeds which was followed by a long time of asking for an offering and finally capped by a 10 minute sermon. Let me say that I am aware of my frequent struggle with a critical spirit. In times like yesterday's service, I pray and ask God to show me what the person is really saying and not how they are presenting it. I will say that I didn't notice any glaring doctrinal inconsistencies, but there was a HUGE sense that the service was empty. It felt like a lot of fluff with no substance. In some ways I felt pressured to give to them, but I knew nothing about them or their ministry. I didn't know who this lady was and heard nothing of her testimony of how God has called her and how He has been using her over the years. I don't know. I really do hope that God uses her and her ministry team to touch people for the remainder of their visit. I pray that the people are motivated to go out and be a blessing to a broken world. As long as nothing other than Jesus Christ is preached and He is glorified by what goes on, then it's ok with me. 10/24/02 I talked with my manager yesterday about the probability that I would be turning in my resignation some time after November 1st. He was very understanding and said he was happy for me. I was so nervous before talking to him that I almost puked! I said a silent prayer before going into his office and it turned out much better than I thought. The nice thing was that he also said he would miss me because I was an important part of the group. That really meant a lot to me; more than a promotion or raise or whatever. It's just nice to know that people recognize your abilities and value to the organization. So, God was with me and took care of it. Praise Him! I am really excited about leaving, which is pretty unusual for me. Normally, I don't get excited about things until the day of the event or trip departure or whatever it is. This time though I am experiencing a lot more emotion. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have had a lot of time to think, pray, and talk about this opportunity or maybe it has to do with the fact that the is probably the biggest thing to happen to me besides losing Mom to cancer. I am anticipating November 1st to see what the timing will be like. As always, I need more patience. I am confident that the Lord knows what He is doing and that He will work everything out in His perfect time. May my eyes be fixed on Jesus. 10/22/02 I am blessed to have some truly remarkable friends. We all probably know a lot of people who we enjoy being around and have a lot of neat traits, but in my experience the best friends are the ones who can stick with you even after seeing your ugly side time and time again. I am so grateful that God has given me some of these kinds of friends who can admonish me and encourage me to get up and move on as I continue to stumble and struggle with things. These special friends are full of grace from the Lord and it really means so much more than they will ever know. I am thankful for everyone God allows me to meet and I am happy to know each one, but I do want to praise God for those few who have been with me through everything and have always pointed to Jesus. 10/21/02 I think I have finally made a decision. Well, at least I am about 99% in favor of going to Russia. Today or tomorrow I will mostly likely talk to my manager and let him not about the probability that I will be leaving in 2 months or so. There is still the issue of how the change in government departments will affect things, but I have a lot more peace about going to Russia than I did even a week ago. I have felt for a while that it is a very good thing to do, but I didn't have the peace to back it up. I'm not saying that I had peace to stay, I just didn't have the affirmation that it was ok to go. Something happened though Sunday after church service and some time of being prayed for. It was this sense that, yes, this is a good thing. God has provided this and He will work it out. I also received a word to be patient as the Lord works out the timing of everything. I believe He will, but I'm also praying for the patience I lack. Anyway, thanks to anyone who has been praying with me through this. I really appreciate it. 10/18/02 Well, it's Friday and I still haven't made a decision. This is tough. I received one piece of advice from my pastor Karl and that was to not rush the decision. I decided that it wasn't critical for me to make the decision today, so I'm going to ponder it this weekend. I guess I am just looking for peace for one way or another. I see benefits to both options and I'm not going to be able to please everybody or live up to expectations either way I go. Really, it comes down to going the way where I sense God's peace most. It may also be that there is no one way that is better than the other. Maybe the reason I haven't sensed a "call" is that I have to learn more about the discipline of consistently looking to God for direction. So often my decisions are based on what I want without too much consideration for what God might be speaking. I'm not saying that it's necessarily acting in disobedience, but a lot of the time there isn't much thought over whether a decision is the best one. This has definitely been a good exercise in patience and prayer. For any of you who are reading this journal, I would really appreciate your prayers as I try to make a decision. This is definitely the hardest decision I have ever had to make and it affects a lot of things and people. I need wisdom and I need ears tuned to the voice of the Spirit. One possible kink in the plans I heard about today is that Russia is moving the responsibility for visa invitations from one government department to another. The change isn't supposed to go into effect until November 1st, but they may already be in the process of moving things and have a freeze on all applications. What this might mean is that the church may have to re-apply as an inviting organization with the new department. Not only this, but the new department may not be very organized and it may take weeks, if not months to work out the bugs and get invitations running smoothly again. If that is the case a late December departure may not be possible. It's not too bad, but I don't know what to do about notifying my employer if I'm not sure I'll really be leaving at the end of December. Should I wait to find out before making a decision? Should I let my employer know what I'm thinking of doing so they have a contingency plan? I don't know. More questions to ponder this weekend. Oh, I have so many questions. Just pray that I don't make this decision in fear. I want to make it in peace. As always, stay tuned! 10/15/02 A few random things today: I decided I needed to get more exercise so I started jogging this past Sunday. Today will be my second day. My serious lack of energy and focus the past few weeks was the primary motivation. I know regular exercise is important to stay healthy and studies have shown that it improves energy levels, so I thought it would be a good idea to start. The first day wasn't bad, but I noticed my knees creaking when I walk up and down the stairs in the morning. Sheesh! I'm getting old! I had this realization today that my whole way of thinking about work needs to change. I mean, people have to work for a living. There is no way around it and if you think about all the time you will be spending at work over the course of your life, doesn't it seem like a complete waste to not savor that time and find a way to enjoy it? Seriously, living for the evenings and weekends has got to me the dumbest thing people can do, yet it seems like so many of us do just that. Maybe if we realized our need to appreciate that time and cherish it as something God has given us, we would discover that there are a lot of awesome opportunities. Personally, I am so engrained in the current thinking that changing my mindset will definitely be a work of God! 10/14/02 I had a real good talk with Pastor Jeff (Olya's Pastor) last Thursday. After he read my reaction and had a chance to think about it and pray, he had peace about inviting me to go and work with them. From his viewpoint, he is inviting me over to work with them as the primary purpose. If I want to get married in the midst of that, it is my choice. He only requires that I understand my responsibility to him and the church for being involved in "religious works" with them during my stay. I was cool with that and it was my assumption that that was required all along. So basically they are ready and willing to send the invitation. It's up to me to make the decision now. I feel like I have all the info I need, but I must lay my heart open before the Lord and ask Him to search me and reveal any wrong motives or problems. I am setting a deadline of this Friday to make the decision. I want to do that so that I can give my employers plenty of notice if I decide to leave at the end of December. It's a really big decision. It looks bigger the closer I get to a decision. Saturday, I went to my Grand-Niece's birthday party. Many members of my family were there and as I left and pondered the reality of leaving them I was overwhelmed with emotion and started to cry. It's like leaving for college again on a much grander scale. Anyway, I have also felt a lot of excitement at the idea of being with Olya and entering full-time ministry and allowing God to stretch me more. We'll see. 10/10/02 I apologize for the delay in writing. This past weekend I was in Kensington, Maryland visiting Lee. We had a great time. On Saturday we went to the Deleware coast for a few hours at the beach. The weather was warm, the skies were clear, the water was refreshing, and the fellowship was sweet. I am so thankful for the blessing of time with my friends like that. It was also cool to see a part of the United States that I never have before. Yesterday was a hard day circumstantially. First of all, I was pretty tired after flying in late the previous evening and dealing with jet lag. Then I received an email from Olya's pastor that made the marriage/missions outlook a little cloudier. Let me explain. I had asked if someone from their church could call the OVIR (Russian government office that approves marriages) and find out if there are any issues with getting married with a religious visa. The OVIR said that it is possible, but they also stated that if a person's primary reason for going to Russia is to be married then they should go on a personal invitation visa. If my primary purpose was religious, then I should get a religious visa. So Olya's pastor recommended that I get a personal invitation from Olya for my visa. The problem is that personal invitation visas are only valid for 3 months. Obviously, this doesn't allow me to be there for a year to be a part of missions training, get counseling, get married, and live in Russia after marriage. It wasn't the greatest news. The next thing that happened was that I spilled a cup of coffee all over my desk and lap requiring me to go home during lunch to change. The icing on the cake was that I was held up at work at the end of the day causing me to be over a half hour late for my Russian class. Anyway, God is my peace and He provided comfort, hope, and even joy regardless of the circumstances.Tonight I will be talking to Olya's pastor, so it will be interesting to see what comes out of that. I'll keep you posted. 10/3/02 I'm wondering when I will be able to make a decision about going to Russia. At this point I'm not sure if I haven't made one because 1) I'm lazy, 2) it's a big decision and I'm so overwhelmed with the idea that I'm frozen, 3) I need more information, or 4) God hasn't led me in a specific direction. When I first heard about the idea, I was seriously excited. As is usual for me, I started daydreaming about the possibilities. After a few weeks, the seriousness of the idea hit home; going to Russia would mean giving up a LOT and putting myself in an uncomfortable situation. Then I started to go through a period of balancing the pros and cons, examining the details, doing some financial estimates, and other logical exercises. Now I seem to be in this weird state of apartness from myself. It's as if some other guy will be making a decision and I'm just cruising along doing my everyday thing. Admittedly, my prayers for the opportunity have lessened. Right this moment I'm starting to feel like I may be entering a phase of anxiousness where I realize that a decision needs to be made in the next week and a half and start to scramble and think about it way too much. Let's hope that's not the case. Of course, I also hope that fear doesn't keep me from making a decision either. I really feel a need to be alone with Jesus right now and "center down" again; to take a step back and remember that He is God. He is the peace my soul is longing for. He is my hope. I read something during devotions today that kind of made me think of the opportunity. I'm not saying that it really does apply or that it's appropriate for the situation. I'm just saying it made me think about it. "So don't worry about having enough food or drink or clothing. Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matthew 6:31-34) I want the Kingdom of God to be my primary concern.....WHEREVER I'm at. 10/2/02 I went to Subway yesterday and ordered one of my favorite sandwiches; foot long turkey breast on honey oat bread. Yum. Anyway, after the cheese and veggies were added I asked for the usual touch of Asagio Caesar sauce to perfect the sub. The response I was given shocked me horribly: "Uh, we don't have that anymore. Subway discontinued it." You know, I'm not sure what to make of this. My mind started dreaming of having thousands of people fill up Subway executive's email boxes with complaints followed by the execs apologizing and bringing the sauce back. The Asagio Caesar sauce is one of those simple pleasures in life that I have enjoyed. I have NEVER liked sauce on any of my sandwiches (with the exception of barbeque) as my friends and family can attest to, but there was something special about the Asagio Caesar. It was disappointing, to say the least, but at least they still have the spicy Italian sandwich, my all-time #1 favorite Subway sandwich. If they tell me I can't put the marinara sauce from the meatballs on that sandwich anymore, I will boycott Subway. It's that serious! |