How to be an Artist

How To Be An Artist

Ahhh...so, you think you want to be an artist, do you? Well, it is a long and arduous journey, full of danger and intrigue and of course mistrust. In artistry a person must be able to use their brush and their palette as sword and shield to fight the demons in the world. Oh...wait. Sorry, I think that was the prerequisite to being an accountant. They are much tougher than artists, adding those numbers all day. It really puts the piss and vinegar in you. Oh...umm..anyway, in being an artist, a person must either be one of two things. The person must be capable of drawing elaborate objects, using color, and making many revisions to the work. Or a person could simply be a good story teller and hype their work well. A great artist uses both of these things.

What has a wishbone? Does a chicken have a wishbone? CHICKEN RULES! I WANT FRIED CHICKEN!!

Ok, students. Try describing this picture I drew with my great artistic talent cough cough or simply stole from www.corbis.com. For all your goofy picture needs, visit corbis.com! Cough cough. Anyhoo...Finished kids?
Here's what I suggest. Call it "The Struggle of Fate". Speak about how easily fate decides, it gives the gifts to he who pulls with skill and manipulates the world. Yes, that will indeed win your award. Check out that chick's hands. She's a fox. Mmm...

It is full of Muslims. Can I kill it, mommy? PLEASE!! THEY ARE POLLUTING THE ROCK WITH THEIR DAMN DOME!

As an artist, one should avoid what I call "wussy painting". Do not paint things you like or belive in or things agree with. Paint things that rule...or that I think rule. Permissible topics include Napoleon, murder, death, decay, destruction, rape, plump naked chicks, and platypuses. Topics that are unacceptable include anything impressionism, fruit, uncool naked men, race car drivers, sports, haystacks, and simply anything that rages homo.

Follow these steps and you will become a wonderful artist. You'll never have to worry about hunger or making it. You will be a sensation in the artistic world and have all the fly honeys you could ever want. Ah, yes. It is the life. Another martini, sir?

Legal Disclaimer:Dr. Dave and Dream Visions Inc. in no way make claims that the above paragraph is an absolute guarantee. In fact, following this device may well make a struggling artist poor, destitute and unable to afford even a plastic brush. Fly honeys are not also guaranteed. After following this device an artist may only be able to procure honeys or may have to settle with only flys. Flys are not also guaranteed. Martinis are also not provided by Dr. Dave or Dream Visions Inc. Please obey proper drinking codes in your state, country or planet. Please drink responsibly. This also may not be the life. Dream Visions Inc makes no claim about anything.

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