Chapter Five
NeverMind © 2004
Lizzie and Jade slipped in the back door of the theatre, trying to avoid the paparazzi, but a few photographers managed to snap some pictures of them before they made it inside.
“Vultures,” Jade muttered at them.
Once inside, a professionally dressed usher swept them to their seats. “Who are you with, ladies?” they were asked as they walked
“Three hobbits and an elf,” Jade said.
The usher checked his list quickly. “Jade and Elizabeth? Row 7, seats 14 and 15.” He escorted them down the aisle and pointed them down their row. “Enjoy the show, “ he said.
As soon as they had made themselves comfortable, Lizzie turned to face her friend. “Look, Jade, about earlier…” she started.
“Lizzie, I love you, I forgive you, let’s drop it, okay?”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. Let’s enjoy the moment, shall we?”
“Okay, if you’re sure.”
Jade grabbed her friend’s face. “Drop it, please.”
“Jade?”
“Yes?”
“You’re squishing my face.”
“Sorry.”
The guys arrived some time later laden with popcorn, pop and candy.
“We’ll never fit into these dresses if we eat all of that!” Lizzie exclaimed.
“Who says any of this is for you?” Dom wanted to know.
She reached across Billy and pinched her cousin as hard as she could.
“Ow ow ow ow ow!” Dom cried.
“I say some of this is for me!” she told her cousin firmly.
“I wouldn’t argue, mate,” Billy told his friend. “I hear she pinches like a lobster!”
“Shh!” Jade hissed at them. “Movie’s starting.”
“Are you prone to crying in movies?” Orlando asked her as the theatre darkened.
“Yes. Are you offering your shoulder?” she wanted to know.
“Sure thing.”
After the movie and a quick trip to the bathroom to reapply their tear-stained make-up, Jade and Lizzie joined the guys at the after party.
They walked into the room feeling extremely awkward. There were beautiful people everywhere.
“Lizzie?” Jade whispered to her friend.
“Yes?” her friend whispered back.
“I feel really ugly.”
“You’re not, you’re stunning.”
“Yes, but I’m a borrowed stunning. I think these people look like this everyday.”
“Not everyday,” a deep voice said from behind them.
The girls spun around to stare right into the eyes of the king himself.
“Dear god, Viggo! Don’t sneak up like that!” Lizzie exclaimed.
Jade just stood there, jaw hanging slightly open.
“I’m Viggo,” he introduced himself to Jade, taking her hand and kissing it lightly. “I couldn’t help but notice you when you walked in. You are probably the most beautiful woman I’ve seen all night.”
“I-I-I…” she stammered.
“Viggo, this is Jade. She’s a mate of mine straight out of the frozen tundra in Canada,” Lizzie took over.
“Jade,” Viggo murmured onto her hand. “You’re as beautiful as the stone you’re named for.”
“I-I-I…” Jade continued stammering.
“May I get you a drink?” he asked.
“Yes, I think she’s gonna need it,” Lizzie said, grinning at her friend who was more or less immobilized where she stood.
Viggo guided Jade over to the bar and ordered her a martini. She took it from him and tried to control her shaking hand.
“So where in Canada are you from?” he asked, his mouth very close to her ear. His fingers rested lightly on the base of her spine.
“Ummmm… Winnipeg,” she managed.
“Hmm, I’m slated to do a movie there one of these days,” he said, brushing a strand of hair off her neck. “How long are you in England for?”
“A-another two weeks,” she said, nervously sipping at her drink.
“I hope I’m not keeping you from anyone,” he said, letting his fingers trace her spine.
She closed her eyes and arched her back slightly. “No,” she breathed. Good god, she thought, if this man keeps this up, I will take him here and now.
It was just then that Orlando approached the pair. “Viggo, mate, good to see you. Jade, I see you found your way in.” Viggo laughed at the stern look Orli gave him.
“You two know each other already?” he asked, not taking his fingers off her back.
“We, uh, we met on the plane,” Jade said, trying to take her mind of her intense lust.
“Ah, I see,” Viggo said. “I’m interrupting, then?”
“No,” Orlando protested, but his friend didn’t miss a beat. He kissed Jade lightly on the cheek.
“I’ll look you up when I’m in Winnipeg,” he said. “I hope I get a chance to talk to you again tonight. If Mr. Bloom here becomes more willing to share your beauty.” He grinned evilly at his friend and moved across the room to where Billy and Dom were hamming it up.
Lizzie approached Orlando and Jade standing at the bar. “You okay?” she asked her friend.
“I am going to have that man’s babies,” Jade said, staring after Viggo.
“Hot damn! Not again! He always does that!” Orlando cried.
Lizzie cocked an eyebrow at him. “Be careful, Leggy. I will kick your tights-wearing ass.”
Jade had hardly noticed either of them. She shot back the rest of her martini and turned around to order another. Lizzie sauntered off again and Orlando squeezed next to Jade at the bar. She half turned around with her drink in her hand only to find herself pressed up very close to Orli’s body. His very fit and lean body.
He smiled. “Little crowded in here, yeah?”
She let her eyes roam over him. “Yeah,” she answered.
“Enjoying yourself?” he wanted to know.
“Very much so.”
He put a free hand on her hip. “Have I told you how stunning you look?” he asked.
“Once or twice,” she said, downing her drink and indicating for another.
“Hope you don’t mind hearing it more often.”
“It doesn’t hurt,” she said. “I feel a little strange being surrounded by so many beautiful…” she hesitated and stared into his eyes a moment, “…people.”
He grinned. “Hadn’t noticed.”
“You’re very smooth,” she said, half finishing her third.
“Are you at the point of reconsidering my offer?” he asked.
“Getting there,” she admitted.
He laughed. “For the record, I’m a lot of talk. I really have no intentions of taking advantage of you.”
“Why not?” she asked.
He cocked an eyebrow. “How much have you had to drink?”
“Almost enough.”
“Right. What exactly should I expect from you?”
“What exactly do you want?” she asked.
“I’ll admit I’m a little confused. You have spent most of the afternoon keeping your distance from me.”
“Viggo is gone, I’m turned on, you’re incredibly gorgeous, and I am a very cheap drunk.”
“Interesting.” He moved in to kiss her again but Elijah broke in.
“Too good for us, remember, mate?” he said in his best English accent. “Come dance with me, Jade,” he said, pulling her out of Orlando’s grasp.
She smiled sheepishly at him. “I’m beginning to think locking lips with you was not meant to be!” she laughed.
He shook his head. “We’ll see,” he said to himself.
Lij danced with Jade for a while. She was feeling very light headed. The vermouth was doing its job.
“My lips are numb,” she told Elijah.
“Really? So you wouldn’t feel it if I kissed you?” he asked.
“Nope.”
He moved in to kiss her but was body checked away from her by none other than “Billy!”
“Sorry, mate. My English Rose over there put me up to it,” he explained.
“English what? I was just about to make $50!”
“Whoo! This is great music!” Jade declared, flinging herself around the room. She stumbled and found herself in the arms of Craig Parker, Haldir himself.
“Hey,” she said, slurring slightly. “Aren’t you supposed to be dead?”
He chuckled and helped her stand. “Only in the film, love. I see you’re a hot commodity tonight. I’ve never seen the Fellowship this taken by anyone before. I’m Craig, by the way.”
“I’m Jade. Everyone here is really really good looking. Why is that? Is there something in the water?”
“There might be. I never have trusted the English.”
“You’re not English?”
“No.”
“You’re speaking English.”
“Yes, but I’m not from England.”
“Oh. What English are you from?”
He looked at her funny. “You’ve had a few already, haven’t you?”
“I’m a very cheap drunk.”
“Ah, I see. I’m from Australia.”
“Mmm, Australia.”
“Would you care for some water perhaps?”
“Will it make me good looking?”
“I don’t think you need any help with that.”
“Wow, you’re smoother than the last three. I like your smoothing smoothness.”
“Yes, water it is. I think I’m gonna have you cut off for a while.”
“Will you follow me to make sure?”
He laughed. “I might just do that. Anything to make our Orli squirm.”
In the meantime, Orli was having a discussion with Viggo.
“So you see, my friend, that is how you convince women to have your babies,” Viggo explained.
“You are the master, I’ll admit that much, but I still say Johnny could outdo you any day.”
Viggo scoffed. “Depp? Amateur. I’ve got at least three years on that guy.”
“Right.” It was just then that he noticed Jade being held up by Craig Parker and speaking very close to his face.
“What the..?” he exclaimed.
“Look, Orlando, you need to more clearly mark your territory. You can’t just rely on your stunning features and perfectly coiffed hair.”
“Fuck off, Viggo. I’m gonna usurp you if you’re not careful.”
“Not a chance. I have the sword of Elendil.”
“Shut up!”
“Come on, man. Make up your mind. You either want her or you don’t.”
“I want, it’s just… I don’t know.”
“What does your heart tell you?” Viggo asked with a coy grin.
“You did not just say that. I am so out of here!” He walked over to the table where Craig had sat Jade down. He was telling her a joke and she was trying not to spew her water in her laughter.
“Oh, hello, mate!” Craig greeted him.
“Orlando Bloom!” Jade cried, “I know you! You’re really really hot, did you know that? Craig, don’t you think he’s hot?”
“Um, sure.”
“Oh, you’re hot too, you know,” she quickly added.
“Thanks,” he laughed. “I think you let her drink too much,” he told Orlando.
“I’ll have you know I have not bought her one drink yet,” Orlando protested.
“It’s true,” she agreed. “I’ve bought most of them myself.”
“Well, that’s no good,” Craig said. “But I think you should stick with water for a little while.”
“Yes, mummy.”
It was just then that Liv Tyler dramatically flung herself onto a chair beside Jade.
“Hey Livy-loo,” Orli said. “What’s wrong?”
“I’ve been abandoned for a car.”
“A car?”
“Yes, a car. Friggin’ Sean Bean and his new Astin Mini.”
“Who’s Astin Mini?” Jade wanted to know. “Is he any relation to Sean Astin? Why haven’t I met Sean Astin yet?” she was looking around the room to find the missing hobbit.
“All in good time, my love,” Craig said. “Here, drink some more water.”
Jade was trying to climb onto her seat to look around the room. Orlando picked her up and brought her back down before she fell.
“Not a good idea,” he said to her.
She looked up into his face. “Wow. I can’t believe how hot you are.”
Liv was laughing. “Who’s this?”
“I’m Orli’s plane date,” Jade declared.
“Plane date?”
“Yes, we met on the plane ride over here. Now I’m…well, I’m just Jade, I suppose. Hmm, that kind of sucks.”
“She’s Lizzie’s mate from Canada,” Orli explained, sitting her back down.
“Nice to meet you, Jade, I’m Liv.”
“Wow, you’re even more beautiful in person.”
“Why thank you. You’re quite stunning yourself.”
“Who me?” Jade scoffed dramatically. “No. I’m just your regular old plain Jane.”
Craig kissed her hand. “I wouldn’t say that.”
“Again with the smoothing smoothness!” Jade said. “Can I take you home with me?”
“Hey!” Orlando said. “I thought you were going to live under my bed!”
“Not under it, in it, remember?” Jade said, shooting back her water. “Do you want to dance, Liv?” she asked.
Liv couldn’t stop laughing. “Sure.” As she walked past Orlando she said, “We’ll talk later.”
“In your bed, huh?” Craig said to Orlando when the girls had gone. “I didn’t realize you already had a thing with this girl.”
“I don’t. Not really, anyway. I don’t know.”
“Okay, so you haven’t slept with her…yet.”
“No, not yet. I don’t know that I ever will.”
“Why is that?”
“You mean other than the fact that everyone else is trying to get with her?”
“Ah, I see. Do I detect a bit of jealousy?” he wanted to know.
“Jealousy? No, I…fuck, I don’t know!”
“Interesting. You’ll have to let me know how this turns out.”
“If this turns out. I don’t know what the fuck’s going on.”
“Better decide soon, mate,” Craig said. “I don’t know how long you can keep the rest of us at bay.”
“Why is everyone saying that to me?”
“Hot damn, man, have you looked at her?”
“I need another drink.”
Lizzie joined Liv and Jade on the dance floor. “Hi Liv, how are you?” she yelled over the pounding music.
“Just peachy. Quite the friend you have here!” Liv commented.
“She hasn’t been embarrassing you, has she?”
“Oh, not me. Herself a little, maybe,” Liv laughed.
“Jade, sweetie, have you done anything stupid?” Lizzie wanted to know.
“Stupid? Not that I can remember. I’ve almost kissed a few people, but I keep getting interrupted,” Jade laughed. “Oh good, another drink!” she declared as Dom slid by and put a glass in her hand. Lizzie gave him a dirty look, but he just stuck out his tongue at her and cozied up to a beautiful blonde woman across the room.
“Jade, I want you to promise me something,” Lizzie said. “Promise me you won’t sleep with anyone tonight.”
“Can’t promise you that,” Jade said, sucking half of the drink back. “I don’t know who’ll end up in my bed!”
“You know what I mean.”
“Okay, okay, stop freaking out. I’m drunk, but I’m not stupid. I told you, I just desperately want to make out with him, that’s all.” She turned to Liv; “You’re lucky you’re married. You don’t want Lizzie yelling at you to not have sex with hobbits and elves. Especially when she’s already getting some from a hobbit.”
Liv raised an eyebrow at Lizzie. “Elijah?” she mouthed, but Lizzie shook her head violently. Liv’s jaw dropped a little. “Billy?” she asked and Lizzie went red. “That’s awesome!” Liv declared.
Roy came up just then and slipped an arm around his wife’s waist. He said something into her ear and she smiled up at him and kissed him. “Gotta go, ladies,” she excused herself. “It was nice meeting you, Jade,” she said, kissing the girl’s cheek.
“It was nice meeting you!” Jade said enthusiastically. After Liv had gone, Jade spotted Orlando across the room talking with Sean Astin and Ian McKellan.
“Oo, Lizzie, come with me to meet the last hobbit and Gandalf!” she said, tugging on her friend’s arm.
“I’ve already met them, love,” Lizzie protested. “Get Orli to introduce you.”
“Party pooper,” Jade said, throwing back the last of her drink then leaving the dance floor and going up to Orlando. She put an arm around his waist and he looked down, slightly startled, before smiling and putting his arm around her shoulders.
“Gents, meet Jade, Lizzie’s mate from Canada,” he introduced them.
“Nice to meet you,” Sean said, shaking her hand.
“A pleasure, my dear,” Ian added, taking her hand and giving it a warm shake.
“I loved the movie,” she said, trying to sound less drunk than she was. “You both did an awesome job.”
“Why thank you,” Ian said. “Did you come all the way out here just to see the movie?”
She laughed. “No. I hadn’t actually intended for any of this. I just happened to meet Orli on the plane on the way over, and, well, things kind of went downhill from there.”
Sean laughed. “Now there’s something I don’t hear everyday about you!” he told Orlando, slapping him on the arm.
“Ha, ha. Shut up,” Orlando said.
“When did you arrive?” Ian asked.
“Just the other day, but it feels like I’ve been here for weeks already, what with all the hobbits and elves and such that descended on me and Lizzie this morning.”
Now Ian was laughing. “They have a bad habit of doing that,” he told her.
Just then Elijah shouldered his way in between Jade and Orlando. He put a small shooter in her hand and then smiled up at Orlando.
“You’re a fucker, you know that, right?” Orli told him.
“Aww, I love you too, man!” he said, giving his friend a big hug.
“You two just can’t leave them alone, can you?” Sean said, discerning exactly what was going on.
Jade shot back the drink then turned to look at Sean. “Don’t worry,” she said, patting his hand, “Watch this.” And with that, she slipped a hand under Orlando’s shirt and found the pressure points she’d located earlier. Orlando clenched his jaw and grabbed for a chair to support himself as his legs again threatened to give way under him.
“God, warn a guy before you do that!” he muttered.
Jade looked at Sean triumphantly. He laughed. “Well, that’s one under control. What have you got for the blue-eyed wonder here?”
“The Vulcan Death-Grip!” she declared and made for the pressure points in Elijah’s neck. He ducked out of the way before she managed to grab him.
“Looks like you have them figured out,” Sean admitted with a chuckle.
She smiled. “Can I just say thank you for being married?” she told him.
“You’re very welcome!” Sean said to her. “I like this one!” he decided. “Can I beat them up if they do anything stupid to you?” he asked.
“Absolutely! I always wanted a big brother.” She yawned. “Uh-oh. Too much alcohol. I’m getting sleepy.”
“Oh no you don’t,” Billy said, sweeping in and pulling her away from the chair she was about to sit down on. “Come dance with me, beautiful.”
“What about Lizzie?” she protested.
“Don’t worry about Lizzie, she can dance with me anytime,” he said.
“Whoa! What are you doing? I don’t know how to swing dance!” she exclaimed as Billy started twirling her around the floor.
“You don’t have to know! Just follow my lead,” he said with a grin.
After a few more spins, however, Jade knew if she didn’t find a bathroom quick, she would make a disgusting scene right there on the dance floor. She took one look at Billy as the colour drained from her face and he rushed her off to the loo. Lizzie followed her in and kept her hair out of her face as she wretched.
“It’s okay, sweetie, get it all out,” Lizzie comforted her friend.
“Oh god, why did I drink so much?” Jade muttered once she had finished dry heaving.
Liv had come in with water and some aspirin. “Here,” she said to Jade, helping her drink the water. “You okay?”
“I think I’ll be all right.”
“When was the last time you had this much to drink?” Lizzie wanted to know.
“Not since I was 18,” Jade admitted. “I feel so dumb.”
Liv laughed and stroked her hair. “Don’t. You’re supposed to have fun on vacation. Those guys just don’t know when to let up. They’re used to drinking every weekend, so for them, six drinks is just a warm-up.”
“No, Lij and Orli were making a bet earlier today to see who could win Jade over tonight,” Lizzie said between clenched teeth. “They knew exactly what they were doing.”
“No, Orli didn’t get me a drink,” Jade said.
“He didn’t?” Lizzie asked, incredulously.
“Nope. Lij only got me one and Craig was making me drink water. I got at least two for myself, so I’m the dumb one,” Jade said and decided to try standing. “I just feel, well, kind of intimidated by all this – this celebrity thing.”
“You did kind of get thrown in without warning, didn’t you?” Liv said.
“Just a little,” Jade agreed.
“Well, that makes me the dumb one,” Lizzie said. “I’m so sorry, love, I should have at least warned you.”
“No, let’s not apologize anymore,” Jade said, making her way to the sink to freshen up. “What’s done is done. I’ve almost made out with four different celebrities, and almost puked on another. My life could not get any weirder. This night officially does not exist. It’s a Twilight Zone experience and I’m going to leave it at that. No offense, you two.”
“None taken. I know exactly what you mean,” Liv said, touching up Jade’s eye makeup. “I think you’re a fantastic person and I don’t blame you one bit for being overwhelmed by all this. But why don’t we pretend like this night does still exist and you take it easier on the alcohol.”
“Done. I think I might hurl again if I even see another margarita,” Jade laughed. She gargled the complimentary mouthwash. “Blah, mouthwash, puke and alcohol are not a good combination,” she grimaced.
“Well, you smell a hell of a lot better, at any rate,” Lizzie laughed. “Now come on, the night is still young!”
The girls found the guys hovering outside of the bathroom.
“Are you okay?” Orlando asked Jade when she came out.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Billy just spun me around to much,” she said.
Orli breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, good,” he said and hugged her. Jade felt a little awkward, like she didn’t really know what to do in his embrace. She laughed nervously when he let her go.
“So where do they keep the water around here?” she asked with a grin.