Don't eat rocks
Don't take naps in the road
Don't stoke fires with your fingers
Don't throw a brick straight up
Don't breathe car exhaust
If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket
For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them
Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers
The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption
If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes
If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head
Don't flip off the Mafia
If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit
Wash behind your ears, not your eyes
Light birthday candles from back to front
Don't shave with a lawnmower
Just because your body has orifices, doesn't mean you should put things into them
Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets
Although they are sold in Grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside
The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all"
Don't bathe in a tub full of snow
Don't iron clothes while wearing them
The expression "Life in the fast lane" Should not inspire you to live in the road
Don't eat hot coals
Don't escape in to jail
Don't wash floors with cough syrup
Don't kick porcupines with bare feet
Don't sled down hils with interstates at the bottom
Sell at most one of your kidneys