EVERYONE IS LOW?

NOVEMBER 15, 2003

My days have been kinda weird lately. I'm not quite sure why, but as of recently I've been getting a little down and also slightly annoyed. It's not exactly because of anything that I did either. It's just that a few of my friends have been bringing some slight negative vibes around me. I know it's not done purposely, but it's been happening. These few are usually the same people that bring me some kind of joy when I'm low, and to this day they still are. Like I said, though, it's not their intention to bring me down. Everyone has problems, of course. Some choose to bring them up in order to get some kind of closure or just to get someone to listen. Others, like myself, chose not to make them public and try to escape from them as best as they can. There have been rare instances when I actually try to talk to people if they initiate the conversation. I have done more talking than I usually do. However, I feel like it's not worth much. Nothing's really accomplished when I talk. That's probably why I always keep everything inside. However, I've been hearing others' problems lately, and it gets me down since I am seeing the emotion come from their faces. Plus, I can't really help anyone...especially since I can't even help myself. Almost all of the people that I know have some kind of low feeling in one way or another. I think it's just that time of the year when stress and pressure get to everyone. School is winding down and people are struggling to survive the semester. I'm feeling it too. While this semester is nowhere near as bad as my last one (it's better since I enjoy one class, at least), I feel like it's becoming a little worse. I'm not feeling as confident about making it through. I'm not seeing enough of a few of my close friends. All things do not point in the upward position right now. I guess nearly everybody has some kind of anxiety right now. I just hope that things do not become worse, because I really cannot have that right now. I do not want that at all. I do wish the best for everyone...more so than myself. I tend to think more highly or more hopeful for others than I do for me. Also, I've been having an increasing feeling that I do not belong. I'm feeling pushed out among others. These others are not really doing much of anything to make me feel that way, but I feel as though I do not relate as well with some of my other friends right now. If I tried to relate any more than I already do, then I would be trying too hard. All I can do is to be myself, and let the rest fall into place. Yet, I do believe that the more I am being myself, the less I am able to belong. So, I'm not really in a great position right now. I can't do a lot of talking. I can't do a lot of hanging around. I thought that being more open and not being as shy would be beneficial. For the most part, it has been, but I don't totally feel like that right now. I feel like I'm better off just being secluded. I think my that shell should start covering more of me again. The better person that I've been trying to become is not fully developed. Instead of continuing to develop that, pushing myself back in would take less effort. I just don't know what I have to do at this point.

Well, I'm just letting my Saturday night waste away by not doing anything. I don't really feel like doing anything, but even if I did feel like doing something, there is nothing to do. So, I'll just let it pass by. I've slept too much into the day (partly because I went to sleep too late), so I haven't experienced a lot of the day. Weekends go by far too fast. I never really enjoy them in the sense of experiencing some activity. Sometimes, that is good though. I don't know what more to say at this point. I had to force myself to write this. Now, even though I have more thoughts to collect, they will not form into words right now. So, there's nothing more to be said. Peace.